A wave of love passes through me as I gently push inside of her. My movements are slow and intentional. Every kiss means something. Every touch between us tells the other everything we’re feeling in this exact moment.
I’m careful with her, taking it slow, allowing it to mean something.
“Nick.” Her lips are fresh against my neck, and I moan as we ride the wave together.
I slip my hand into her hair, tugging just enough to earn a hearty moan. She takes control, flipping our position, her perfectly poised above me. I sit up, desperate to kiss along her collarbone. She drives us both closer to the edge. Her nails dig into my back, and like I’m afraid I’ll lose her, I grasp her, bringing our chests completely flush against each other.
I don’t know how long we’re here, kissing, enjoying the feel of each other’s bodies. She bites my shoulder, and it pushes me over the edge. My body can’t take it anymore. I grip her hips, lying down, enjoying the show above me as she comes unhinged with pleasure and rides me like a damn roller coaster ride. She takes the highs and lows like she’s never felt another dick in her life.
We are sweet and devastating at the same time. It’s what we’ve always been.
I grit out a moan through my clenched teeth, feeling the flood of pleasure.
Hannah collapses to my chest. Her hair is splayed out next to me, and I run my fingers through the ends, enjoying the sweat between our bodies. Never in my life has it ever felt quite like that.
“Holy shit,” I mutter, moving my hand down to trace the length of her spine. Her breaths are heavy as she recovers.
“That’s how it’s meant to be.” She rolls over, pulling the covers over us. Her body melts to my side, her legs mingling with mine. “I didn’t know it could be so... intense.”
“I could get used to watching you above me.” I kiss her forehead. Pride surrounds me as she wiggles in closer, as if there is nowhere else she wants to be.
“Is that so?” The sexy drawl of her voice has me growing harder. Hannah lifts the sheets, and grins. “Seriously?”
“Oh, yeah.” I begin to roll, and her body naturally slips onto her back.
Like a bolt of lightning, I’m struck with the realization that we didn’t use a condom. Her eyes follow my arm as I reach for my nightstand.
“There’s no need. I’m on birth control,” she says, setting my mind at ease.
“Oh, thank fuck, because now that I know what it feels like to be between these”—I run my hand up to the apex of her legs— “with nothing stopping me from feeling you, I’m not sure I could go back.”
I push her thighs wider and rest between them, holding myself above her. Everything about her captures my attention. The soft blush to her cheeks. How her hair is tangled from my hands finding their favorite place among the golden tendrils.
Running the pad of my finger over her dewy collarbone, I feel her body clench.
“You’re so damn beautiful, Hannah Barnes.” I slip the loose strands behind her ear.
“You make me feel beautiful.” There’s this wonderous tone in her voice. Soft and raspy with a desperation stuck between every word.
I guide myself between her legs and slowly push inside. I swear I almost come when I watch her eyelashes flutter shut. Her chest rises and falls with every push and pull of my cock, working me into this delectable panic I can’t quite understand myself.
I’m struck silent as her eyes open to catch mine. Neither of us look away. Maybe we’re too afraid we’ll miss something the other is silently saying. I don’t know what it is, but this time, our being together feels like a religious experience. She pushes forward and kisses me as soft as a feather floating against my lips.
This time is slow, a little less obvious than before. The first time was more about escape from our own reality, but this time? This time is made up of two equal parts. We are together, and nothing else in the world could possibly matter.
Because whether or not anyone else is ready for it, it’s her and me now.
Chapter Sixteen
Hannah
Today, the guilt and fear resting on my shoulders seems like a skyscraper being lowered onto them. Nick and I, together for the first time, was nothing short of amazing. I’ll never regret it. This type of thing is something I would have talked to Mia about, but if she were here, I’m certain this is the one thing I wouldn’t be able to discuss with her.
Overcome with the need to talk to my best friend, I skip third period, even when I know it’s the worst idea in the world. I haven’t been to the cemetery since the funeral. The reason is it’s uncomfortable talking to her when she’s not really here. Funny enough, I still feel her. She knows when I’m lying.
Even though the sun is high in the sky, goose bumps scatter across my skin.
“You’ve got a good spot here,” I say, already feeling uneasy about talking into thin air. “That’s not even a good joke, I know. You’re probably rolling over right now, aren’t you?” I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and prepare myself for the confessions I’m about to spew. “Mia, you’ll probably hate me, but—”
“Why would she hate you?” Kellan’s voice, out of nowhere, startles the hell out of me.
I jerk around to find him standing right behind me.
“For not visiting sooner.” I glance around the empty cemetery. Okay, I’m avoiding his eyes. I despise lying to him.
“I come here sometimes.” Kellan kneels in front of the headstone and drags his hand over the top, like he’s letting her know he’s here. “I talk to her, tell her how Nick’s doing. She’d want to know. It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?”
“Is that why you came here today?” I ask.
The thought of Kellan talking to Mia about Nick makes my palms sweat. What does he tell her? Is he worried about Nick?
“Nick’s been off lately. In the beginning, I acted like him hooking up with all those girls didn’t bother me, like I understood why he needed to do it.” He pounds the grass beside him with a closed fist. His animosity needs an outlet, and the ground is taking the beating.
“And now?” My eyes widen, wondering where Kellan’s going with this.
“And now, I’m angry that he seems okay. He’s not running around with a different girl, but he seems happy, and somehow, that pisses me off more.”
If Nick is happy, then it’s because of me. I know that much, and it’s not something I can tell Kellan. Not anytime soon, anyway. His heavy breathing is reason enough. The thought of Nick being happy without Mia is paying a toll on Kellan’s mind.
“Like he’s forgotten her,” I add.
Knowing Kellan’s biggest fear, and understanding it, has been coursing through my body since Nick and I first kissed. It’s been so easy to pretend it’s just him and me. In reality, everyone else is inside our relationship with us. She’s still here. Sitting on the couch at our feet when we’re making out. In between us in the truck while we hold hands. She’s everywhere, even when we both do our best to pretend it’s just us.
“Exactly.” He reaches over and grabs my hand. “I knew you’d understand. You were her best friend.”
I pull my hand away, hating myself. “He’ll never forget Mia. You know that.” I push off the ground, needing to disappear.
Kellan broods. “I know, but at some point, he’s going to move on. I feel like, when he does, he’ll be allowing her to disappear a little more than she already has.”
“She’s always here, Kellan.” I turn my back, leaving him alone with his sister, and really understanding, maybe for the first time, what it means for Nick and me to be together.
*****
I step outside, and Nick’s crooked smile is exactly what I need to see right now.
After my run-in with Kellan at the cemetery, my entire world feels overturned. He spoke the words I’m most afraid of, solidifying both Nick’s and my fears.
Nervous someone might see us, I glance around the parking lot to make sure we are alone. I may be at work, but t
here’s never a shortage of kids from our school lingering around.
It’s been a week since we had sex for the first time. It happening on Mia’s birthday wasn’t ideal, this much I’m certain of. Even thinking about it, outside of the love I felt in his bedroom, it makes my stomach turn enough to tell me we should have waited. Hell, we shouldn’t have done it at all.
He makes me feel alive and cherished. As far as guys go, I have never been treated so sweetly. We’ve fallen into an easy routine. It’s starting to feel like we could get lucky, and everything will be okay. He picks me up from work most nights I’m stuck here, or I wait after school for him to finish practice. No one’s the wiser, seeing as my dad is the coach. I have a reason to be there. The team doesn’t need to know my being there has anything to do with their left winger.
“You want to get out of here?” Nick pushes off his truck, and reaches a hand out to me.
“Desperately.” I take his hand, and he leads me to the passenger door and opens it. A squeal escapes me when he wraps his hands around my waist and hoists me into the seat.
He pins his body between my legs. I practically melt when he brushes my hair from my face. His lips touch the tip of my nose. Reminding my heart to chill out is pointless. I’m done for.
After shutting me safely inside, he circles the front, hops in, and turns the key in the ignition. “Where to?” He watches me, expectantly, like I have all of the answers.
“Just drive.” I buckle my seat belt, an excitement I haven’t felt in a while taking over my body. “Let’s disappear for a little while.”
Before we are through downtown, he pulls into the gas station.
“What are you doing?” I sit up, looking around. He has a full tank, plenty to get where we need to be.
“We need snacks.”
Ten minutes later, and a debate over what’s better, Mike N’ Ikes or Skittles, we are back on the road. A bag of treats and drinks sits between us. Nick drives for almost ten minutes. Neither of us say a word. The light melody of a country song and the sound of rubber on the asphalt fill our comfortable silence.
The night sky quickly turns a dark navy. The street lights disappear the further we drive. Nick doesn’t ask me which direction to go, and I love that. He takes charge of our impromptu trip.
“Where are we?” I realize I may have dozed off. The sky is now a midnight black, and I don’t recognize a thing.
“You know you snore, right?” He glances at me, thrilled to call me out.
I shift, pulling my seat belt behind my back and lean closer, resting on the middle console. He stretches to put his hand on my thigh, squeezing it.
“I do not snore.” I blink several times, making a point to glare at him.
He’s right, but no way in hell am I about to admit it. I will remain flawless in his eyes for as long as I can.
“You’re so full of shit, Hannah.” A flicker of humor crosses his face. “You know I don’t mind that you snore. If it’s something about you, then I want to know.”
My chest heats from his words.
I prop my chin in my palm and watch him. Maybe I’m looking for a slip of his demeanor to prove this version of Nick I’ve never thought I’d experience isn’t real. He’s stoic. His eyes sparkle in the faint dashboard light, and when he checks me out, he leans closer.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask.
He grabs my hand, forcing me to sit up. He doesn’t release me, though. Instead, he lifts the middle console and unbuckles my seat belt, tugging me closer to him. I rest my head on his shoulder, comforted by his warmth.
“Remember when you said I smiled like a serial killer?” His voice darkens like he’s pleased with himself.
“Oh my gosh!” I smack his chest. “Did you bring me out here to murder me?”
“How did you know?” He licks his lips.
Through the back window, I search the truck bed. “Is that where you hid the ax, zip ties, and tarps?”
“I went with the less obvious and grabbed a kitchen knife.” He parks on the side of the road.
The stray thought that the dark area is the perfect place for a murder makes me laugh.
“That was a bad choice, wasn’t it?” He unbuckles and leans over me. The smell of his cologne makes me forget my damn name, so it takes me a few seconds to answer.
“Sorry, yes, you should’ve gone with the ax. You won’t want to look me in the eyes when you’re doing it. An ax will give you enough space between us.” I hiss out a breath when Nick’s face passes by mine.
He kisses me quickly. “I think I’ll let you live a little while longer.”
“Okay, if you aren’t going to kill me, what are we doing out here?” I glance around at literally nothing. There isn’t a damn thing in sight.
“Having you near, it doesn’t matter where we’re at. Just having you close makes it easier for me to breathe.”
Hearing those things, especially from a guy like Nick, would overcome any girl with excitement. Still, every time he says something so damn sweet, the small mouse living in my head, knocks on my frontal lobe to wake it the hell up.
The decision to take things to where they are will forever be the most complicated thing I’ve done. Betrayal constantly rests on my heart, and yet, I choose not to listen to it.
“Why are we doing this?” I ghost a finger between us. “If it’s so hard, why are we putting ourselves through it?”
“Because no matter how hard it is, it feels right.” The tone of his voice, so positive about this one, irritates me.
“Do you ever feel like you’re betraying her?” I whisper my worst fear.
Nick jumps out and circles the truck, yanking my door open. A cool breeze filters in, and I pull my sleeves down over my hands to stay warm.
“She isn’t here to betray, Hannah,” he barks, surprising me with the angry tone I’ve never heard directed at me. “I don’t mean it like that, Hannah,” he says, tugging at his shirt. “Fuck!”
“When you say those things to me, you have no idea how it makes me feel,” I explain. “And then this guilt settles in, and it hurts.”
There’s so much more behind my guilt he’ll never understand.
“Come on.” He grabs my hand, leads me to the back of the truck, and brings down the tailgate, stepping up with ease.
“Make sure to move the tarps and knives.” I hope my stupid joke eases most of the tension. His hand extends for mine, and with a quick pull, I’m standing in the bed of his truck with him.
Using a sweatshirt as a pillow, he lies down. I hesitate to follow, but his eyes are so soft and inviting that I melt at his side. My head rests on his chest, and the beat of his heart sounds like a song.
A blanket is pulled over us, and we stare up at the cloudless sky. Miles and miles of stars twinkle above us, gifting us with a show. Nick’s fingertips trace along the notches of my spine, stopping to pull my shirt up enough to expose my bare skin.
“Touching you, being close to you, makes me feel alive. I know it shouldn’t. This is a conversation we’ll probably have a hundred more times, because how can we not? My heart belonged to Mia, and you’re her best friend.” His voice hitches in the middle of his words.
“I’m afraid you’ll never feel for me what you felt for her.” There it is. The root to all the evil in my heart. The full truth, and damn if it doesn’t feel like razor blades slicing through my throat.
“Did you know Mia and I used to go out back on my parents’ property and lie under the stars? She used to say it made her feel insignificant, which ended up making her feel like the world was at her fingertips.” His voice is frail from the memory.
“Nick, why are you telling me this?” I brush my cheeks, surprised to find my body hasn’t betrayed me, yet. Those tears want to fall, though. They prickle and burn at the back of my eyes.
“Just hear me out, okay?” He takes a deep breath, and it feels like I’m holding my own for him. “We used to lie out under the stars and talk. Sometimes
it was stupid stuff, or on the rare occasion, we’d talk about more serious things, but it was always out back of my house.” He skates his fingers up and down my back. “I remember lying there with her, on a blanket or in my truck bed, kind of like we are doing right now, and thinking ‘it can’t get much better than this’.”
As discreetly as I can, I wipe away the tears that feel like they’ll never stop. My body is officially in sync with my heart. Listening to the love he has for her hurts like hell. It’s in the softness of his voice, like he’s not here anymore, but in the memories with her.
Nick rolls his body, forcing me onto my back. His right hand lightly brushes the hair around my face while his left rests on my stomach. With grace, he watches the tears skimming down my cheeks, never brushing them away, but accepting them for what they are.
“Hannah, you happened, and I realized I can still feel the way I did. Once she got sick, when I knew I only had a short amount of time left with her, I kept thinking that she was it for me. I’d never love anyone quite like I loved her.”
I wipe at my face, frantic to destroy any evidence of how brutal this feels. “This is too much.”
“Is it too much because of her, or is it too much because you know it’s true, and you’re afraid of what that means? My days are unbearable without you.” He traps my hips between his legs, wrapping his warm, strong arms around my body. “You’re the reason why I know for certain I can move forward. I’ve been so afraid of being caught up in the past.”
“Nick.” This isn’t the first time he’s said something like this to me, but this is the first time it’s felt honest, and I don’t know what to do with that.
He takes a deep breath, sweeping my hair to one side. “The world is going to tell me I’m not supposed to want you.” He kisses the nape of my neck. “Let them, Hannah. Stop making me fight you before the world has their chance to beat me up.”
Under a Different Sky Page 21