I spun around and stormed toward the cockpit. I couldn’t move fast enough, and my heart was trying to tear through my throat.
“Hello!” I shouted back. “Grayson!”
Bursting through the cockpit door, I swung my head back and forth. Jack was still strapped in his seat, his face bashed into the control panels in front of him. Abraham however, was groaning as he struggled to free his leg from in between the crumbled metal. He had scratches on his face and dried blood running down the side of his head, but he was alive.
“Abe,” I said and placed my hand on his shoulder. “Where is everyone?”
He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and shook his head from side to side. “I…I don’t know.”
“It’s okay, Abe,” Cynthia mumbled.
“Is anyone else alive? I tried…I tried to keep it together,” he groaned in a somber tone.
I grabbed his hand and placed it in between mine. “I know you did your best, Abe. Nobody blames you, it was a crappy deal all the way around. Now, let’s see if we can get you out of here.”
His foot was stuck in between the control panel and the cracked floorboard. It didn’t look like he was injured, but his boot was jammed and he couldn’t free it from his seat.
“One sec,” I said and stomped on the side of the panel.
“Shit, MJ!” he hollered in pain.
“Sorry…I’ll try something else. Cynthia, help me lift this.”
I grabbed the sides of the panel and let out an animalistic grunt. Cynthia did the same, but no matter how hard we pulled, it didn’t budge.
“Stop! Just stop it,” Abraham shouted. “This ain’t working.”
“Hello?” someone called from outside. “Somebody alive in there?”
“Craig?” I yelled back. “Is that you?”
No one answered, so I called again. I shared a confused glance with Cynthia then leaned my head out of the cockpit. I could hear someone rustling around outside then footsteps in the cabin.
“Mom!” a very familiar voice screamed.
CHAPTER 20
VAINLY CRAVE THE LIGHT
It felt so good to hold Grayson. I feared if I let him go he might vanish, like he was a dream or a thin wisp of smoke that might slip through my fingers. And losing him meant more than he would ever understand. He was as much me as he was his father, and now that Toby was gone, Grayson was all I had left to remember him by.
“I love you. I love you so much,” I told him over and over.
We were standing outside of the plane in the cold. The wind had picked up, whispering winters frigid touch, but I could’ve stood out there forever. Just standing in the same place, regretting yesterday and fearing tomorrow.
Craig and two other soldiers, Henry and Chris, were inside, freeing Abe’s leg. The entire panel had to be taken apart piece by piece. Cynthia said he might lose the foot, but there was a silver lining, if his foot hadn’t been crushed he would’ve shared Jack’s fate.
“I was so scared I’d lost you,” I told Grayson as I kissed his forehead.
He squeezed me tighter and closed his eyes. Cynthia walked out of the plane and took a seat on the ground next to us. She had her medical kit with her and started rummaging through the contents. I glanced over at her, thinking how lucky we were to have her with us.
“That’s gonna need stitches,” she said casually.
I looked down at my side and winced. Trying to free Abraham had torn the gash further and now it was pumping out a steady stream of blood.
“I guess so. Can you manage that?” I asked.
Cynthia nodded and brought her bag over. Grayson stepped to the side and she started sewing into my stomach like some macabre seamstress.
“I’ll try to be quick,” she said as she jabbed the needle into my flesh again.
I nodded then squinted my face. The pain of her tugging at my skin was sobering. It reminded me of everything that had happened, everything I had lost. It brought me back to reality like a slap in the face, making me face the bitter truth of it all.
The wound wasn’t as bad as I thought. It took less than five minutes and six stitches to make me whole again. After rubbing some disinfectant on it, I was good to go.
“Thanks,” I told Cynthia.
“Keep an eye on it…infection would be a huge problem. Once we make it to the site, I can get you some antibiotics.”
Humming to herself, she pushed the medical kit back into her hiking bag and zipped it up. Grayson stared at my side like he’d never seen blood before then hugged me.
“Mom,” he said and lifted his face. “Mom, where’s Dad?”
There was a stab in my heart and I swallowed what felt like a cement brick. The world had come tumbling down on top of me and I wasn’t prepared. I couldn’t even deal with Toby’s death, much less explain it to my son.
I looked back at him and took a deep breath. Cynthia grabbed her bag and stumbled back into the plane.
“I’ll let you two talk,” she mumbled on her way.
“Um, your dad,” I started.
Grayson gazed at me with his big brown eyes and I started to implode. My hands shook and my heart beat so hard that I could barely breathe. I wanted to lie to him, but I knew that was a dead end. I also knew the truth would tear Grayson apart.
Toby and Grayson were more friends than father and son. He loved him and wanted to be just like him. They had a bond, a connection that I could never understand, but I was happy it existed. With a few words, I was about to tear it apart.
“Mom,” Grayson said with a bit more urgency in his voice. “Where is Dad?”
I could hear the panic building. I could hear the terror in his words that he already knew the truth. It was a rhetorical question and he just needed confirmation, but I didn’t want to give it to him.
“Grayson,” I paused and took another breath. “Your father…he, he didn’t…”
“No, Mom!” Grayson suddenly shouted. “Don’t say it!”
He shoved me away and glared at me like I was a stranger. I reached out to him, but he slapped my hand and took a step away.
“Grayson,” I cried. “Please.”
“He’s not gone. He’s not gone!” he roared.
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“No!”
Grayson collapsed to the ground in a heap of tears. I rushed to his side and cradled him in my arms, but I knew there was nothing I could do. He heaved and convulsed, and I felt his pain all the way down to my soul.
“I’m so, so sorry. He loved you so much,” I whispered in his ear.
I pulled his face into my arms and started to cry with him. It was all I could do, all I could feel was the same pain that was tearing his heart apart from the inside. We were together in that, but I’d never felt so far away from him.
Grayson cried and cried and cursed the world. He shook with despair and bellowed like a lone wolf. I held him tighter and matched his tears with my own. There were no words, no prayers that could comfort him. Sometimes pain just needed to be felt.
I sat on the ground with him for a while, just letting the time pass. It felt like hours and I didn’t move until I heard someone coming from the plane. It was Cynthia and Craig followed by Abraham.
“Are you okay?” Cynthia asked. “I mean, is there something I can do.”
Sniffling, I wiped my face and sighed. “He just…it’s just gonna take time.”
“I um, I had my men…I had them clean the cabin out,” Craig said then paused and looked away.
“It’s going to get dark soon,” Cynthia added. “We should probably go inside.”
“We can’t!” I said a little louder than I meant.
“Why not?”
“We’re not that far from the Mayflower site. We’ve taken too much time already, but we have to get there. If we don’t, we’re all going to…we’re all going to die.”
Craig looked up to the sky then let out a rattling breath. “The sun’s going down. We can’t navigate this unt
il day break. We head out now, we’re likely to get lost and die from exposure.”
I wanted to argue, but I knew he was right. Besides that, Grayson was in no shape to go marching through the woods. The Mayflower would have to wait.
Craig and Abraham turned and walked back into the cabin. Cynthia stayed for a while and just watched us. It wasn’t invasive or anything, more like she wanted to make sure we were okay. I appreciated her being there.
After nearly an hour of crying, Grayson started to fall asleep. I nudged him and helped him to his feet.
“Come on let’s go inside,” I told him.
We started to walk toward the plane, but as we neared the door he suddenly tensed up and dug his feet into the ground.
“What’s wrong Grayson?”
“I’m not going in there!” he snapped.
I knew why he felt the way he felt, but the temperature was dropping. We needed to be inside and I needed him to understand that.
Grayson pushed back against me as he started to breathe like he’d run a marathon. His hands were clenched at his side and his face was drenched in anger.
“Grayson, it’s gonna be too cold out here. We need to stay inside.”
“No! You don’t understand. I’m not going back in there. I’m never going back in there. I’d rather die. I want to die, if I died at least I’d be with Dad!”
My jaw dropped. I took a few steps back and really looked at him. There was an anger there that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to quail. I’d let him down for the last time.
“You don’t mean that,” I said lowly. “You’re just angry Grayson…I am too.”
“You’re not angry!” he snapped at me. “You didn’t care. You didn’t love him, you loved your job. This is all your fault!”
“Grayson!”
“No…I heard him the other day. I heard the both of you. You knew all about this and you lied to him. You could’ve done something. We could’ve left sooner. If we had, we wouldn’t have been on this stupid plane. Dad would still be alive. I hate you!” Grayson shouted at the top of his lungs then stormed off.
I started after him, but Cynthia grabbed my arm.
“I’ll get him,” she said.
I nodded and watched her run off after Grayson. I stood there for a few minutes then dropped my head and screamed at the top of my lungs.
My world was falling apart. Everything I’d ever loved, everything I’d ever worked for was crumbing to pieces.
“You okay?” Craig asked as he stepped outside.
I looked away from him and wiped my face. “Yeah…I’m fine.”
“We can set up a tent out here. There’s sleeping bags and stuff inside.”
I took a few steps away and covered my face as I started to cry. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
I took a deep breath of the cold, winter air and my lungs burned. My hands were trembling and the tears on my face felt like ice cubes running down my cheeks.
“Whatever you need, MJ,” Craig said then turned and headed back inside.
He came back out a few minutes later and started to set up a green tarp near the front of the plane. Composing myself, I walked over and helped him then grabbed the sleeping bags and thermal blankets from inside.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
A branch snapped in the distance and I spun around. Cynthia was walking back with her arm draped over Grayson’s shoulder. His face was red and smeared with tears and dirt and the look in his eyes told me he was somewhere else. As he passed me he looked away then vanished into the tent.
I stared after him. I wanted to go inside and hug him, but I knew he needed space and time to deal with how he felt. So instead I walked off and stood by myself.
“He’s gonna be okay,” Cynthia said as she walked toward me. “It sounds crazy, but this is normal.”
“I just, I can’t lose them both.”
“He’s angry and doesn’t know how to express that. He needs to be mad at something, at someone. This will pass and he’ll need you more than ever when it does. Stay strong.”
Cynthia patted my arm and walked off. I leaned my head back and rolled my shoulders. I couldn’t fathom how we’d gotten here. So much had changed so fast and for the first time, I felt completely alone. Not just at that moment, but alone in the universe.
All the planning in the world didn’t seem adequate. We were damned from the beginning. Maybe we’d been lying to ourselves all along. Who were we to play God? Who were we to decide who was valuable enough to be the start of our new civilization? Maybe, we were meant to die here with everyone else.
Swallowing, I tried to wash those thoughts from my head. All that mattered now was that I kept Grayson safe. Everything else was a distraction.
I made my way to the tent and peeked inside. Grayson was wrapped under a bundle of blankets and fast asleep. I fought back tears because I knew, it would be worse when he awoke. You could only escape reality for so long, I knew that better than anyone.
“Craig,” I called from the door of the plane. “I could use your help.”
He made his way outside and I held my finger to my mouth then looked back into the cabin.
“Cynthia, you think you can keep an eye on Grayson for a few? I’ve…I’ve got to take care of something else.”
She gave me a strange look at first. Then it dawned on her and she frowned and nodded. “Take your time.”
“Thanks.”
I turned and pulled Craig away from Grayson’s tent. We walked a little way into the woods and I looked back to make sure we were out of earshot.
“What’s going on?” Craig turned to me and asked.
I swallowed and cleared my throat. “I need to bury Toby,” I said in a solemn tone. “Do you have anything I can dig with?”
Craig grimaced. “I’ll help you. The ground is gonna be hard though.”
“I don’t care. He deserves at least that.”
“Okay, we have some hand tools, small spades that we can use. Let me grab them and I’ll follow you.”
He made his way to the plane and vanished inside. A few minutes later he returned with a bag slung over his shoulder and two metal bars in his hands.
“I can help,” I told him and reached for the bag.
“I got it,” he replied. “Lead the way.”
I nodded and started down the trail toward the remaining part of the plane. My feet moved on auto pilot, mindlessly dragging me to the last place on earth I wanted to be.
The air outside was cold and lifeless. It stung my face and froze tears onto my cheeks. This moment only existed in my nightmares. I just wanted to wake up, to see the morning and know this had all been a horrible dream.
I wondered, what was my life without Toby? What was a soul without it’s counterpoint? I couldn’t live without him, I didn’t want to, yet I was on a collision course with that future.
I paused and took a deep breath. I could see the wreckage up ahead. I knew it was something I had to get over with, but my body refused to move another step. Toby was down there somewhere, he was down there alone.
“You gonna be okay?” Craig asked. “I can handle it, you can stay up here.”
“No…I need to do this. I’ll be alright.”
I sucked in all the air my lungs could hold then started heading down to the crash site. It was colder now and the snow was quickly starting to pile up. My body ached as I climbed over the splintered wreckage and then I saw him.
“Toby,” I mumbled and crawled over the seatbacks.
The sight of him was pain, it was my heart imploding on itself and crumbling to dust. A thin layer of snow had fallen on his face and the cold made him look rigged and stiff. I brushed my hand across his cheek then pressed my forehead against his.
“I love you, I love you, baby,” I whispered.
There wasn’t enough time, there weren’t enough words for us. A lifetime wouldn’t be long enough and now that was gone. I cursed the heavens, I screamed to any God that wo
uld hear me, but it was all in vain.
I held him close, but I knew it wasn’t Toby. His empty eyes gazed into mine, but my husband was no longer there. He said goodbye some time ago and now it was time for me to do the same.
I straightened up and with shaking hands, unlatched his seatbelt. His body rolled to the side and I jumped back.
“We should dig a hole first,” Craig called out.
He’d been there, silently watching me the whole time. I wondered how many husbands, how many fathers and sons Craig had buried. How many men had returned home because of him and how many had faded into memory by his hand. Life was cruel, but death was forever.
“Okay,” I replied.
He offered me a shovel and I grabbed it. Then started looking around for level ground. The plane wreckage took up a large part of the area and what wasn’t covered by debris was mainly hardened rock.
“We can head toward the forest,” Craig said after watching me scan back and forth. “But we need to hurry, it’s getting dark. I don’t want to be out here in the dark.”
It felt odd hearing him say that. I knew Craig’s unit had been to some pretty rough places. Now a night in the woods had him worried, but I would’ve stayed right there with Toby forever.
We walked into the forest and started stabbing into the frozen ground with the small shovels. It was arduous work but needed. It was my last gift to Toby, a final goodbye to the man that had been my life.
We worked in silence. The only noise was the sound of our blades as they penetrated the firm soil. Sweat rolled down my arms and fell into the hole with every thrust. I poured every ounce of myself into the work. Because when it was all said and done I knew, I belonged in that grave, not Toby.
“I think this is deep enough,” Craig said and stabbed his blade into the ground beside the hole.
I gazed into the pit and sighed. It was plenty deep, but I wanted to keep digging. Every minute we dug, was a minute I didn’t have to put Toby’s body in there.
“Just a little more,” I replied.
Craig nodded. I knew he wanted to finish, but he let me have my time. I couldn’t put into words how appreciative I was for that.
I looked up at the dreary sky and sucked in a lungful of the cold, crisp air. Bits of snow flittered down onto my face as the light wind pushed it sideways. My breath turned to mist in front of me and I tightened the grip on my shovel and turned back to the work.
Deconstruction- The Complete series Box Set Page 48