Wicked Game

by Michelle Betham

  “I can’t even begin to get my head around any of this, Kari, but what I do know is that if Joe Millar is a threat in any way to this business …”

  “He isn’t. He isn’t here to hurt us – our business. I think we were just a convenient excuse, a way for him to get to me. To Noah.”

  “You need to talk to him.”

  “I know.”

  “You need to talk to him, and then you need to leave him alone. You need to walk away, you need to fight for your marriage …”

  “Jenna, please …” I hold up a hand to stop her from talking, it’s too much. I can’t deal with this right now. “Please, don’t tell me what I need to do, I know what I need to do.”

  “This business is cutting all ties with Joe Millar, and with Millar Readman. Okay? It might be true, that he isn’t here to hurt our company, but I’m not taking any chances. I’ve put too much into this to see it wrecked by something that wasn’t my fault.”

  “I’m sorry, Jenna. You were never meant to be involved in any of this.”

  “You involved our business, Kari. You put all of this at risk by lying to me. You should’ve told me, that night you saw Joe in the club – you should’ve told me then who he was. What had happened between you. You should’ve told me. And maybe all of this could’ve been avoided.”

  “It wouldn’t have changed the fact that Noah cheated on me.”

  She looks at me as she stands up; gathers her files and papers together, holding them against her chest. “Well, it looks like you’re pretty much even on that score now.”

  I throw my head back and close my eyes again; I breathe in deep and I wish that none of this was real.

  “Jenna?”

  She turns around as she reaches the door, and the expression on her face almost floors me – she’s disappointed, and she has every reason to be.

  “You won’t tell Noah, will you?”

  She lets a few beats pass before she answers. “I don’t want to be involved any more than I already am, Kari. Okay?”

  She leaves the office, closing the door behind her, and I drop my head and sigh again. She’s right. I need to talk to Joe. And then I need to leave him alone …

  Seventeen

  I should walk away now, but I’m not going to do that. The job I came here to do, I’d thought it was done. I thought I was finished. Noah and Kari – their marriage, it’s broken, and that’s what I’d wanted to achieve, wasn’t it? Break their marriage in two, rip their world apart, I’ve done that, right? Wrong. It’s not over yet. Something changed, and that wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. I changed, and now there’s one more thing I need to do, before I leave.

  Feelings – they were never supposed to come into this. They were never meant to exist, she was supposed to be nothing more than a pawn in this game I needed to win. I spieled her shit, in the beginning, and the more I think about that, the more I know she didn’t deserve any of it. She shouldn’t be the one who gets hurt, none of what happened was her fault. I was telling her things that, at first, weren’t entirely true, I just needed to get to her. I needed her to come to me. To believe that what I was telling her was true. But the more I did that, the more crap I spun her, the more real everything started to feel. When I kissed her, what I felt in that moment, that was real.

  There’s something else I need to do now. Before I leave.

  I want Kari Ostberg, for real this time. No more games. No more pretending.

  I want her, for real …

  *

  I look up as he walks into the bar, his hands in the pockets of his black pants, his shirtsleeves rolled up to the elbows, his presence is overwhelming. He takes over a room the second he steps into it, he has a power that verges on terrifying. I know that better than anyone.

  He sits down opposite me, leans forward and clasps his hands together on the table, his eyes locking on mine. Like I said, the power he holds is terrifying. And when he smiles I feel my stomach tighten. I had a whole speech planned, everything I wanted to say to him, I’d thought I had it committed to memory, and now I can’t remember a single word.

  “Jenna knows everything. Who you are … who you really are.”

  He holds my gaze, keeps his expression stoic. “It was inevitable.”

  “Just tell me one thing, Joe. You never meant to hurt our business, right?”

  He slowly shakes his head. “No. Your business was nothing more than my in-road, Kari. My route to you.”

  I believe him. I still don’t trust him, but I believe him. “Then you won’t be surprised to hear that Jenna wants nothing more to do with you.”

  He briefly drops his head, a small smile still there on his face. “I get that.”

  “You weren’t really opening new offices here, were you?”

  He raises his gaze, and the smile’s gone now. “I did what I had to do, Kari. That’s all.”

  “What did you have to do?”

  His eyes are still staring deep into mine, but he doesn’t answer that question. And, for some reason, I don’t push it. Even though I should, I know I should, but I don’t.

  “You said it had to happen, Joe. That night. Why? Why did that night have to happen, you still haven’t answered that.”

  He leaves a long pause, and I don’t know if he’s going to respond. If I’m going to get any kind of answer, on any score, but I want one. I need one.

  “It had to happen because that’s what Noah needed. It was the only way he felt he could deal with what he’d done. The only way.”

  He isn’t telling me the truth, he’s just telling me something, in the hope I’ll leave it alone. And I may have no other choice but to do that.

  “I don’t regret it, Kari. That night, I don’t regret what happened.”

  “I do. I regret it all, every fucked-up second, it wasn’t fair on me …”

  “You wanted it too, Kari.”

  “I didn’t know the circumstances, Joe. I didn’t know what you both knew, I didn’t know the reasons why we were doing it, if I’d had any idea, believe me, I would never have agreed. I would never, ever have gone there.”

  “And that would’ve been a shame.”

  “Everything you’ve told me – I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t.”

  “I know that this must be confusing, Kari. That you don’t understand what’s going on …”

  “You’re right. I don’t. That’s why we’re shutting this down, whatever the hell it is, before any more people get hurt.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  I look into his eyes, and then wished I hadn’t. “Whatever you came here to do, Joe …”

  “I came here for you, Kari.”

  I hold his gaze, because he’s making me do that, almost hypnotising me, and it’s only when I feel his fingertips brush against mine that I break the stare and look down at his hand.

  “I’m married …” I murmur, watching as his fingers cover mine, wrapping around them.

  “And he hurt you.”

  I raise my gaze, look back into his eyes, he seems different, somehow. Or am I just being sucked in by him again; dragged under?

  “He did a stupid thing.” I’m defending Noah now. Defending what he did, because I did the same. Didn’t I? I cheated on him. I slept with Joe, and no one was watching. I slept with Joe, and I’d do it again, but I can’t. I have to walk away now. I have to fight for my marriage. “And so did I.”

  His expression changes, he seems sad. Or is that what he wants me to believe? That he’s sad? Disappointed? Does he really want me? Did that night really cause all these crazy feelings to surface? Confuse us? Tear us all apart …?

  “And now I have to put things right. I have to try and make it work, with Noah. Because I love him.”

  He squeezes my hand, and I find myself willing him to hold onto it for just a little while longer.

  “I have to go,” I whisper, reluctantly pulling my hand from his. “We can’t do this, Joe.”

  I stand up, and he’s t
here in front of me before I have a chance to get away, his hand lightly grasping my wrist.

  “I didn’t go about this the right way, Kari, but believe me, I had no other choice …”

  I pull my arm from his grip, look up into his eyes one last time. “And this is why I’m walking away. The cryptic comments, the lies; this was never right. None of it was ever right.”

  “I’m falling in love with you.”

  I look at him, I don’t believe him. I don’t know why he’s saying that, and I’m aware of my heart beating hard against my ribs, I can feel it thumping away, almost too fast. “I’m sorry, Joe.”

  I turn around and walk away, but his voice causes me to stop in my tracks.

  “Kari?”

  I don’t want to face him, I need to leave, but that power he has … I slowly turn around, his eyes locking on mine.

  “Did you feel anything?”

  “I don’t … I don’t know …”

  “Anything?”

  His eyes burn into mine, all I can see is him. All I can feel, is him. The memories of his hands all over me fills my head, the way he touched me. Played me. His body inside mine, his breath warm on my naked skin.

  “Yes,” I whisper. “Is that what you want to hear? Yes, I felt something.”

  He comes over to me, he isn’t being fair. This is cruel. He holds all the cards and I hate him and want him, more than I should.

  “You can feel it all again,” he murmurs, cupping my cheek as he leans in to me. “I can take you places you didn’t even know existed, we could be so good together.”

  “Please, Joe … don’t do this …”

  “We could be fucking amazing.”

  I close my eyes as his mouth brushes mine, and just that one tiny touch sends a warning shiver racing up my spine.

  “We did something beautiful that night, Kari,” he whispers, his mouth resting against mine as he speaks, his fingers gently brushing my cheek, I’m all kinds of messed-up now. “And maybe it wasn’t for all the right reasons, maybe it was fucked up, but it was still beautiful. And I want it again. I want you under me, over me; I want you in ways I never thought possible. Ways so dirty, so wrong that even the most open-minded of people would never go there, you do that to me. You changed me. You made me this man, it was you. You did that.”

  I shake my head, keep my eyes closed as he kisses me, and inside I’m screaming. I’m fighting. But in reality, I’m falling, and I can’t afford to do that. I still don’t know who this man is, not really. I can’t trust him. He’s dangerous, and I have to walk away now. I have to.

  Pulling his hand from my face I step back from him; I turn around and walk away before he has another chance to stop me.

  Joe Millar was a beautiful interlude.

  A dream.

  A dangerous fantasy.

  But I need to fight for my marriage now.

  I need to fight …

  *

  I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to hear the truth; the reason why I’m here. Why I had to do all of this. I wanted to end the lies, but I couldn’t do it. If I tell her everything, she won’t understand. She won’t believe me. And now she’s going back to him, giving him a second chance, one he doesn’t deserve.

  She wasn’t supposed to go back to him. But she wasn’t supposed to leave with me, that wasn’t in the plan either. And if I tell her everything, if I end the lies … I don’t know. This won’t be easy, but in the end, I’ll win. She’ll come to me, I know she will, I’ll make sure of it. I won’t leave her alone, I’m not doing that. Noah Ostberg has no idea what he did. He has no idea why I’m really here, no idea who I really am. But he will find out. Eventually.

  I thought I’d got what I wanted.

  I thought this shit was done now.

  I was wrong.

  It’s only just beginning …

  Eighteen

  He looks at me from across the table, and I still don’t know if I can forgive him. I can’t forget, that’s one thing I know for sure. But I have no right to sit here and play the victim when I’m no better than he is.

  “Kari …”

  “I’m not ready to hear it, Noah.”

  He drops his gaze, starts playing with his food, he’s trying, he really is. But it’s been hard. He’s home, but we aren’t back in that place we once were, we’re not Kari and Noah. And I’m terrified that we’ll never be those people again; that what happened has damaged us too much, broken us, too much.

  “I slept with Joe.”

  I have to tell him. If we stand any chance of fixing this we need to face the truth, and fight. Secrets are only going to hurt us even more.

  He looks at me, and for a second or two there’s confusion in his eyes. And then he realises, what I’m telling him. “No,” he whispers, shaking his head, dropping his fork onto his plate, the sound of stainless steel clattering against china echoing around the otherwise silent kitchen. “No. Don’t tell me that, Kari. Don’t …”

  “I want to tell you I did it because I was hurting. Because I was angry; sad, confused. And I was all of those things, but they’re no excuse. I wanted him. At that moment in time, I wanted him.”

  “Jesus, Kari …”

  He drops his head again, drags a hand back and forth through his hair, and I feel a sharp pain cut through my heart. It’s still breaking, shards of it are being chipped away every day, and as I look at him it feels like it’s shattering inside of me.

  “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m sorry that any of this had to happen. That we did this to ourselves. That we broke us.”

  He looks up, and this time his eyes are full of sadness. Pain. It’s destroying me, I don’t know how to make this better. “I broke us, Kari. I did this, and if I could turn back the clock … Baby, I would give anything to be able to do that.”

  “I know.”

  I reach across the table and take his hand, it’s a reflex action. One I couldn’t stop. And as his fingers curl around mine it’s a familiar feeling. Safe. As our eyes meet I know there’s something there, we’re just too scarred to see past the shit we’ve done. The mistakes we’ve made. We have to try harder. Fight, harder. We have to do that, or we die.

  He pulls me up, pulls me into his arms, and at first I flinch. I don’t want to be there, but he won’t let me go. He wraps his arms around me, holds me close, he’s forcing me to remember what he feels like. I never forgot. He did. He forgot how we felt. What we were. He crossed that line first … Jesus! This isn’t a competition!

  “Look at me, Kari.”

  He touches my face, he makes me look at him, and it’s because I know how much I still love this man that my heart is breaking.

  “Joe’s gone, okay? He’s gone. He’s out of our lives, it’s just you and me now.”

  “We still did what we did, Noah. All of that happened.”

  “And we’ll work through it, okay? We’ll work through it, together. Baby, we are gonna fight this. All right?”

  I cover his hand with mine, squeeze it tight, and I nod, even if I don’t believe what I’m agreeing to just yet. It’s too early to know how this is going to turn out, he’s in no position to make any promises.

  He drops his head, our foreheads touching, and I close my eyes. I breathe him in, and I try to remember only the good times, not the lies and the games that are slowly destroying us.

  “I love you, Kari. You’re my girl, you know?”

  His words cause tears to sting my eyes and I can’t stop them from falling, I’m breaking in two as he gently kisses those tears away; as his mouth touches mine, he’s kissing me. I wrap my arms around his neck as he lifts me up, my legs winding around him as he carries me upstairs, my shattered heart beating against him, it’s almost pounding out of my chest.

  I keep my eyes closed as he lies me down. Undresses me. I keep them closed, and I try not to let Joe back inside my head, he isn’t welcome. I concentrate on Noah, on his fingers tracing the curve of my waist, his body warm as it bears down on mine, I push Joe
to the back of my mind. Joe doesn’t matter. Joe was never real. Joe was a fantasy, a game we took too far, and Noah’s right. He’s gone now. He’s gone. It’s just me, and him …

  “You okay?” Noah whispers as his fingers slide between mine, and I cling onto him. I remember what we had, who we once were, I keep those thoughts in my head as I finally open my eyes and look up at him.

  “I’m okay.”

  He smiles, and I close my eyes again as he makes love to me. I draw my legs up around him, squeeze his fingers tight, arch my back as he kisses my neck. It’s slow and beautiful sex. Safe, comfortable sex, because that’s how we need to take things for a while. Slowly. We know what led us to do what we did, and we can’t go there again. So I hold onto him, I breathe him in and I remember, who we were. Noah and Kari …

  I remember.

  I never forgot …

  *

  “Noah thinks we should go away. Spend some time together, alone.”

  Jenna looks up from her laptop. “That’s probably not a bad idea, considering.”

  “I’m not sure …”

  I turn my head to look out of the window. It’s a beautiful day, and I’m trying to think of an excuse to go outside. An errand we need to run. A client we need to see. I just want some fresh air.

  “You don’t think it’s a good idea?”

  I throw back my head and drag both hands through my hair. “I don’t know.”

  She shifts her gaze back to her work. “You and Noah could do with some time alone. Take it.”

  I get up, go over to the window, and I look outside again. It’s been a couple of weeks now, since Joe left. Since he disappeared back to wherever he came from, I have no idea where he went. Knowing details wasn’t an option. He’s not mine to think about. He has no place living in my head, he doesn’t belong there, he never did. And yet, here I am, still thinking about him.