Wicked Game

by Michelle Betham

  “Noah?”

  I haven’t heard from him in almost a year. Jenna tells me how he’s doing, she lets me know he’s okay because I still care about him. But I haven’t seen him or spoken to him, in person, for a long time. So long, it feels like a whole other life.

  “Hey. It’s been a while, huh?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I guess it has. Are you – are you okay? How’s the restaurant doing?”

  Small talk. That’s what our life together has ended up as – small talk. We’ve become strangers, our lives drifting so far apart that staying friends was never an option, but now I’m wishing we’d tried harder, to stay friends.

  It wasn’t possible.

  It wasn’t …

  “I’m fine, and so’s the restaurant. How about you? A mom now, huh?”

  “Yeah … Hollie, she’s – she’s almost five months old now … Noah, it’s half past three in the morning over there …”

  “I know. I’ve just got back from the restaurant, I couldn’t sleep. Jenna, she – she showed me a picture today, of you and the baby, and I guess it messed with my head a bit. Brought back a lot of shit, I just needed to speak to you. I needed to tell you I’m still sorry, for what happened.”

  “Don’t, Noah. It’s over, it’s all in the past now, okay?”

  “I’ll never stop hating myself, for what I did.”

  “Don’t do this, Noah. Please.” I get up and go outside, out onto the terrace, closing the glass door behind me. “Don’t dig all that up again, it doesn’t help.”

  I don’t know whether I’m comfortable with this conversation or not, it isn’t one I was expecting to have.

  “I still care about you, Kari. I still love you. Still miss you, so fucking much.”

  I feel tears building up, threatening to fall, I don’t want this. I don’t know why he’s doing this. We’re divorced. We’re moving on with our lives, Jenna told me he was trying to do that. So this – he shouldn’t be doing this.

  I look down, onto the deck below. Joe’s sitting by the fire pit, cradling Hollie in his arms, and he’s still talking to her. He’s smiling that smile, laughing as Hollie reaches out to touch his stubbled jaw line. My life is down there now, on that couch. My whole world is there, on that couch.

  “I’ll always care about you, Kari. Always.”

  I close my eyes, my fingers gripping the glass barrier in front of me. “You’re tired, Noah. You should get some sleep, you’ve probably got an early start in the morning.”

  “I’m sorry … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …”

  “Get some sleep, Noah.”

  “Okay … Believe me, I never wanted this, Kari. I never wanted it to end like this.”

  “I know.”

  “Are you happy?”

  I let a beat or two pass before I answer him. “Yes, I am. I just want you to be happy too.”

  Another few beats pass.

  “I will be. Goodnight, Kari.”

  He hangs up. Ends the call. And for a second or two I can’t move. I can’t get my head around what just happened there, and I want to call Jenna. I want to find out if Noah really is okay because he didn’t sound like he was. But then I remember the time difference, and I go back inside to finish getting ready. I’m going to ignore that call. I’m going to put it down to him being tired. Irrational. To old feelings he’s still trying to deal with? Maybe. I think we all still have those.

  I love Joe.

  Now.

  I love him …

  Twenty-Eight

  “You’re quiet,” Joe hands me a drink and I take it from him. “Everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine.” I look at him. I smile. I don’t want him to think I’ve got something on my mind, that call from Noah is not going to get to me.

  “You sure? Because, if you’re tired we can always cry off. Go home. Have some private fun out by the fire pit?”

  I smile, because he makes me do that now. He makes me smile, a lot, because I believe he’s a good man, despite everything I thought he was before.

  “No, I don’t want to go home.” I slide an arm around his neck, move my mouth closer to his. “We need some us time.”

  We very rarely get any of that now. Even when Joe’s home, he’s working. And having a five-month-old baby means spontaneity is a luxury we can’t always afford, which is why time like this is precious, a few hours together, away from home, and although I hate leaving Hollie, even if it’s only for a little while, I need time with Joe. In reality, we’ve only been together a few months, I’m still getting to know him. He’s still getting to know me.

  “Why don’t we ditch the party down here, go upstairs, and have that “us” time all on our own?” he murmurs into my neck.

  “I’m quite enjoying the party,” I whisper, gently nipping his ear with my teeth. “And, after all, you are the host. We should at least stick around for a little while.”

  We’re in a beautiful house set in its own gated grounds not too far away from our own, much less grand home in Laguna Beach. A house Joe has on a rolling lease for the purpose of hosting these gatherings on a regular basis, because that side of his life hasn’t ended because we’re together. It’s just that, I’ve become more involved now. I look after the men and women who act as our in-house hosts, the ones who make sure everyone’s comfortable; enjoying themselves. Joe takes care of the guest list. But we also have a wonderful, trustworthy couple who work with us; who oversee everything for us, when we can’t be around. They run the show, they’re our eyes and ears, Ned and Keeley Walker have been a part of this scene for a long time. They know what they’re doing. And here, in L.A., discretion is something we have to be even more aware of, the guests we have turning up to these parties can range from wealthy and successful business people to A-list celebrities. Sports stars. Musicians. Power couples who want to experiment, but don’t wish for it to be splashed all over the press or social media. A safe, secure environment is what we provide, everything else is up to the guests. As long as everyone’s consenting we don’t put a block on much.

  “Besides, I need to make sure Inger’s okay. It’s her first night tonight, she only flew into L.A. a few days ago. I should go see her.”

  I start to walk away but he grabs my wrist.

  “Don’t be long, okay?”

  I look at him, narrowing my eyes slightly. “What do you think I’m going to do, Joe?”

  He briefly drops his gaze, and I can hear him take a deep breath, almost as if he’s trying to compose himself. “I’m sorry, it’s just that …”

  “Just, what? I’ve fucked her before, so you assume it’s going to happen again?”

  I’m not sure I meant to be quite so defensive there, but his out-of-the-blue change of mood has kind of thrown me a little.

  “Look at where we are, Kari. What goes on here …”

  “She’s here to work, Joe. And have some respect for me, okay? She’s good at what she does, that’s why you wanted her over here. You wanted her here, not me. Remember? Now let go of me.”

  His fingers slowly loosen their grip and I pull my arm away.

  “Go get a drink. It might help you relax.”

  I walk away, I leave him to it, I think he needs a minute. But whatever that was, it stops. Now. He doesn’t get to do that. He doesn’t …

  *

  I don’t know where that came from. I just felt a rush of something flood my veins, take over, but as I look around me … I know, where that came from.

  Kari doesn’t think she’s beautiful. She can sometimes be riddled with a lack of self-confidence she doesn’t deserve to feel, and after Noah’s betrayal, I know her self-esteem took a knock so hard it almost floored her. And I took advantage of that, in the beginning, and that’s not something I’m proud of, but at the time I had no idea what she was going to become to me. What she was going to mean to me. How I was going to feel about her. She doesn’t think she’s beautiful, but she is. And there are people at these parties who would give any
thing to take her, to have her, to touch her, but she’s off limits. And, yes, they understand that, they know that, the guests we invite here, they’re respectful. But they still look. They still watch. I see their eyes on her, when I’m fucking her, when she’s riding me, and I fucking love it when we have sex and the whole room’s watching, the kick I get out of that rivals anything any drug could give me. But when it’s done; when she’s lying against me, those eyes are still on her. And that’s when I feel that red-hot rush flood me; that fear take over. Men. Women. They all look. They all want her, I know they do. And how can I be sure that, one day, she won’t have her head turned by some Hollywood actor. A big-time rock star. I can’t. I’m not risking it. Nobody’s touching her. The days of letting anyone else in are over now. The days of us fucking out here, where everyone can see, they’re coming to an end. The show is over, we’re going private.

  Kari Ostberg is for my eyes only now.

  *

  I know he’s watching me as I walk away; as I talk to Inger – a perfectly innocent chat about how she’s settling in, how we’re sorry we couldn’t get her visa organised quicker; how we’re glad she’s here, because I am, glad she’s here. What happened between us at that party back in Norway, it was something pretty special. But we’re grown-ups, we understand that these parties throw up situations that we experience, but that don’t necessarily lead to anything other than very pleasant memories. And I have no idea what’s wrong with Joe, but as I make my way back over to him, his expression tells me he’s feeling more than a little contrite.

  “You feeling less confrontational now?” I ask him, taking a glass of whiskey from a passing server.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just – you look incredible tonight.” He slides an arm around my waist and pulls me against him, kissing me gently, but I put up a tiny bit of resistance. I’m not letting him think he can get away with that shit, just like that. I wasn’t happy with his attitude, he needs to know that. “But you belong to me now, okay?”

  I press a hand against his chest, pushing him away from me, and I look at him. “Woah! Can we lose the possessive streak?”

  “Kari … hang on! I didn’t mean it like that …”

  “What did you mean it like, Joe? Hmm? I belong to you now? I told you once before I wasn’t something you could buy, I’m not for sale … Is that why you’re so desperate for us to get married? So you can get that ring on my finger? Lock me down? Think again.”

  “Kari!”

  I need some air, and outside it’s a little quieter. Not many venture out of the house, there’s always a fear of paparazzi lurking, someone waiting to get a shot of something, or someone, that they could sell worldwide for millions of dollars, so it’s peaceful, out here. Just the sound of the sea and faint traffic noise way off in the distance.

  “Kari, baby, I’m sorry. Look at me, please.”

  I don’t. I keep my back to him.

  “Where’d that come from, Joe?”

  “I don’t … I don’t know, I’m just – I’m not used to this.”

  I turn around, fold my arms against myself, and I look at him. “Not used to what?”

  “Being in love.”

  I hold his gaze, and I shake my head, but I say nothing.

  “And you’re wrong. About me wanting to lock you down, as you put it. That isn’t why I want us to get married.”

  “Isn’t it? Because, so help me, Joe, it’s taken a long time for me to be able to trust you …”

  He takes my hands and pulls them away from my chest. “I want to marry you because I love you, Kari. That’s all. I love our daughter, I love our fucking life, and whatever happened back there, it won’t happen again. I promise you.”

  I look up into his eyes, and I want to believe him. Because I love him too, but there’s still this tiny part of me that wishes I didn’t. Loving him makes me feel weak, and I hate that.

  “It’s still too early for promises.”

  “And still too early to get married, huh?”

  “Way too early.”

  His fingers curl around mine, our foreheads touching, and I breathe him in, this complicated man who’s turned my life upside down.

  “Okay. I get that.”

  “It’s not a never, Joe. It’s just a, not yet. All right? We need more time.”

  We need a lot more time. What he did just now – the way he behaved, it may well have only lasted a split second, but it happened. So, yeah, I’m still getting to know this man, I can’t marry him yet.

  “Do you want to go back inside?” he whispers, and I rest my hand against his cheek and shake my head.

  “No. I think Keeley and Ned can run this show without us, don’t you? Let’s go home.”

  *

  It’s an incredibly warm summer evening, so we leave the doors that lead out from our bedroom onto the terrace that overlooks the ocean wide open, even though there’s barely a breeze. The room has air conditioning, of course, but I like to hear the ocean. I’ve always lived by the sea, it’s just that, the difference between where I used to live, and where I’m living now, it’s insane. I could never have believed I’d end up somewhere like this. Never have believed that I’d end up with a man like Joe Millar.

  We shed our clothes, take a shower together; have sex as the water rains down over us, and with every second I’m pushing Joe’s behaviour tonight to the back of my mind; forgetting that Noah called me. He doesn’t matter anymore, what he thinks – what anyone thinks – none of that matters. I fell in love with the man I blamed for ruining my world. The man who’s now helping me get used to living in a new one.

  “You’re tense,” Joe whispers as he comes up behind me, his hands on my hips, his hard, naked body warm and still damp from our shower as it presses against me.

  “I’m fine.”

  He kisses my shoulder; slides his hands around onto my hip bone and I watch in the mirror as my body weakens in his arms.

  “You still mad at me?”

  “A little.”

  His lips graze my neck and I throw back my head, I’m falling again, and he’s going to catch me, like he always does. I fall, he catches me, it’s a cycle I can’t break now.

  He drops a hand to my thigh, slides it around onto my bottom, and I close my eyes and give in to his touch. We only had sex a few minutes ago and now I’m craving him all over again.

  “I meant it, when I said we could be so fucking good together,” he whispers, his mouth so close to my ear I can feel his breath on my skin. “We could be so happy …”

  I open my eyes and turn around, leaning back against the counter, reaching out to rest a hand on his chest.

  “We’re happy now, aren’t we?”

  He leans in to me and kisses me. He lifts me up onto the counter, spreads my legs and steps between them, and I wrap them around him, leaning back as he slowly pushes inside me, it’s that quick, his ability to drag me under in a fucking heartbeat. “We’re very happy now,” he murmurs, his hand on the small of my back as he dips his head to kiss my breasts. “But we could be even happier.”

  “If we get married, right?” I breathe, angry that he’s still pushing this, when he’d told me, not an hour ago, that he was fine with waiting. And that anger wins out, I push him away, he isn’t doing this. He isn’t taking me when I’m weak, bringing up this shit in the middle of sex, that’s wrong. “Seriously, Joe?”

  “All I want is to spend the rest of my life with you, Kari. Is that so wrong?”

  No, it’s not wrong, and I’m not saying I won’t ever marry him, I probably will, at some point. I just can’t do it right now. And I felt that way before that strange call from Noah; before Joe’s outburst at the party, but now – now I know that marrying him is something that’s not going to happen for a long time.

  “It’s not wrong. It’s just too soon to be making that kind of commitment. And I’m tired of telling you that, Joe. If you keep pushing this …”

  He steps back between my legs and I pull them up, h
is hands resting on my knees, and he looks at me. “I’m sorry.”

  “You say that so many times it ceases to mean anything.”

  “I’m sorry for that, too.”

  “Jesus …” I can’t help smiling. Shit! He does this to me, and I really do hate him for that. For the fact he can do that. But I love him because he makes me feel all kinds of things I’ve never felt before, things that scare me, disgust me, things I shouldn’t be feeling. But I do.

  I hate him.

  I love him.

  I need him …

  “Get back inside me,” I whisper, sliding my fingers into his hair, and I rest my chin on his shoulder, look out through the open doors at the ocean, although, it’s dark outside now. I can hear it more than I can see it, so I close my eyes again. I concentrate on nothing but him and this and the fact we have hours of nothing but each other, and endless sex, to look forward to. Until Hollie wakes up. My life is so close to perfect …

  Nothing’s perfect.

  Least of all Joe Millar …

  I keep my eyes closed, clinging onto him as my body shudders gently in his arms, it’s a quiet, calming climax. Beautiful. Slow. Perfect.

  Nothing’s perfect …

  “I’ll go get us some drinks. Okay?” He smiles as he slowly pulls out of me, and I hug my knees to my chest and return his smile.

  “Okay.”

  He leans in to kiss me quickly. “I’ll be right back.”

  I rest my chin on my knees and watch him head out of the room. This house is incredible, but I’m still getting used to being here. Still getting used to Joe’s wealth. It’s not something I’m sure I’ll ever feel entirely comfortable with. It feels alien to me, having so much money, but at least it means Hollie will never want for anything, although, I don’t believe we need money to give her a good life. She’s going to have that no matter what, I’ll make sure of it. As for me, I don’t want Joe’s money, that’s not why I’m with him. I’m with him because I finally fell too hard to walk away. I now love the man who once scared me, but he doesn’t scare me anymore.