Wicked Game

by Michelle Betham

  “You enjoyed it, in the end, don’t pretend you didn’t. You lay there and you let me take you, and you put up no fight. You like the world I pulled you into, don’t tell me you don’t.”

  “Fuck you, Joe.” I wrench my wrist free of his grip. “That isn’t fair.”

  I walk away, back into the house. I run up to our room and I sit down on the edge of the bed, looking out into the blackness. I breathe in deep and pretend, for a second, that everything’s fine. Everything’s normal. But pretending doesn’t help anything. Pretending got us all where we are now.

  “I’m sorry, Kari. For everything.”

  I don’t turn around, I stay on the bed with my back to him, staring out through the floor-to-ceiling windows. I can see his reflection in the glass, see him leaning against the doorpost, his hands in his pockets, my tall, strong, handsome man.

  He lied to me.

  Noah lied to me.

  Did I lie, too …? I don’t know. Everything’s such a mess it’s hard to know where the lies end and the truth begins.

  “It’s too much, Joe.”

  I hear him – feel him move further into the room until he’s there in front of me. And he doesn’t ask what I mean by that, he just waits for me to explain.

  “This house. This life. It’s too much.”

  I get up and walk over to the windows, sliding them open, the sound of the ocean suddenly filling the room.

  “Don’t let him win, Kari. Don’t let him tear us apart.”

  “I think you’ve both had a hand in that one, Joe.”

  I turn to look at him, and yes, I believe he’s sorry, his eyes tell me that he is. But I just don’t know anymore. I thought I was finally beginning to peel back the layers of this complicated man, but I’m not sure I’ll ever know who he really is. And I’m not sure I can deal with that. If I don’t know who he really is, how can I love him?

  “Our daughter was born here, in this house, your house. It’s her home. But it isn’t mine.”

  “Kari, come on, don’t say that …”

  “I’m just not used to all of this, Joe. It’s too much. And some may tell me to get over myself and be grateful for the life I’ve suddenly been given, but, everything that led to this … it’s too much. I don’t know you anymore, if I ever knew you at all. And I can’t live like that. I can’t.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to do, Kari. What you want me to say. I just know that I don’t want to lose you. I can’t, lose you …”

  “I need to talk to Noah.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you don’t get to play God with my feelings, Joe. This is a bigger mess than any of us thought possible, and I need to think. We all need to think.”

  “He came here to hurt us, Kari.”

  “Like you hurt us?”

  “It isn’t the same. He broke my world in two …”

  “Yes, he did, and he was wrong, to do that. I will never forgive him for what he did, and I understand how you must’ve felt when you found out, but, what you did, Joe. The way you felt you had to deal with it … You knew what Noah wanted to do; why he wanted to do it … Jesus, you put the idea in his head, how fucking twisted are you?”

  I back up against the window and I slide to the floor, pulling my knees up, and I throw back my head; close my eyes, I want this all to go away now. All of it.

  “You did that, Joe. You fucking did that … Christ! We were all so fucked up. We still are, fucked up.”

  He crouches down in front of me, tries to take my hand but I pull it away from him, I don’t want him touching me.

  “We don’t have to be. Kari, we can stop this, now. We can get through this, I promise.”

  “You promise? I don’t want your promises, I don’t even know if I want you.”

  “Don’t say that … Kari, please …”

  I pull myself to my feet and go outside, I need some air.

  “Kari …”

  I spin around to face him, but I don’t know who I’m seeing. What I’m feeling; which Joe is standing there in front of me – the one I fell in love with, or the one I can’t trust.

  They’re the same man …

  “Jenna was right, when she told me not to trust you. I told her she was wrong, that Noah was wrong, but they were right.”

  “You can trust me, Kari, you can. I would never hurt you …”

  “You’ve hurt me now. All of that, listening to you tell me all that shit, that hurt me. Because you wanted revenge so badly, it was written all over your face, Joe. So, no, I can’t trust you. I can’t. I don’t even know you.”

  “We all lied, Kari. We all kept secrets that should never have been kept, we all did this to ourselves. We did this, together.”

  I look at him. And for a few seconds we just stay there, staring at each other, a loaded silence filling the air around us.

  “Then maybe it’s time we all fixed it. Together.”

  Thirty-Three

  Noah

  “So, this is where you live now, huh?”

  This place is incredible. I could only aspire to own somewhere like this, and it makes me realise just how big that chasm really is between me and Joe Millar. Between me and the woman I used to be married to; loved with all of my messed-up heart. The small-time chef and restauranteur versus the big-time billionaire businessman. No fucking competition.

  “This is where I live.”

  I glance over at Kari as she joins me outside on the covered sun terrace. She looks beautiful in a lemon-yellow sundress that accentuates her Californian tan, her dark hair pulled back into a loose, messy ponytail. She looks beautiful but lost. Sad. And I never meant for this to happen, I really didn’t, and now I’m here; now I’ve seen her, I wish I’d thought this through. Wish I’d approached it differently, but how could I? I didn’t know the full story. The truth. Everything was still such a fucking mess.

  “You don’t sound very happy about it. Most people would give their right arm to have a place like this.”

  “I don’t have a place like this. Joe does.”

  “That makes a difference?”

  “It’s his. Not ours.”

  “You told him that?”

  She just looks at me, and I stop talking. I turn around and look out over the ocean, I give myself a second or two to think.

  “Is Jenna okay?” Kari asks, and I turn back around.

  “She’s fine. She’s doing the sightseeing thing, you know? Even though she really wanted to come here, with me.”

  “We don’t need a mediator.”

  “No. We don’t.”

  She sits down, tucking her bare feet up underneath herself, and looking at her – she almost feels like a stranger. A different woman to the one I fell in love with. The one I betrayed. Hurt. Lost.

  Because of Joe Millar?

  No. I was as much to blame.

  My fault.

  I sit down opposite her, my back to the stunning view outside, a huge glass table separating us. A barrier between us.

  “If you’re not happy, Kari …”

  “Who said I wasn’t happy?”

  “You don’t look happy.”

  “Want to hazard a guess why that might be?”

  I drop my head, and I feel guilt swamp me. I regret coming here now … no. No, I don’t, I had to see her. I had to try, I couldn’t live the rest of my life thinking ‘what if…’. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sick of hearing that word, Noah. It ceases to mean anything after a while.”

  I raise my gaze to meet hers, but she’s looking away. And I can’t blame her for that.

  “It needed to come out, Kari. All of it. Everything needed to be out there, once and for all.”

  “Because it’s made everything so much better, right?”

  She finally faces me, her eyes locking on mine, and it breaks my heart to think about what we did to each other.

  “You should’ve just come clean, Noah. You should’ve told me about the affair, told me everything, f
rom the start, and maybe we could’ve fixed it. Before it got to this.”

  “And you think Joe would’ve left it alone? Knowing what you know now? You’ve heard his side of the story, you think he would’ve just let this go? Shrugged it off?”

  She looks away again, her shoulders tensing up. I did this. I caused this. Joe only did what he did because of me. I’ve hurt her so much, and that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

  “He was gonna carry out his twisted plan no matter what, Kari. He was willing to use you in any way he could to get back at me, did he tell you that, huh?”

  I don’t know why I said that. Why I’m suddenly going down that route when I’m supposed to be here to try and help fix this mess, but the need to hit back at Joe Millar for everything he did – everything he took from me, it’s consumed me for so long, and now, knowing the truth, it’s proving even harder to backtrack from that.

  She looks at me, her eyes cold despite the burning heat of the L.A. afternoon. “He told me that whatever it started out as, it wasn’t the way it ended.”

  “Collateral damage, that’s all you were to him.”

  “In the beginning, yes, I know.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  “I’m not okay with much right now.”

  “You and Joe …”

  “We’re trying to work things out.”

  I’d wanted her to say they were fighting but failing to save their relationship, and maybe they are, she just doesn’t want to elaborate on that, and I don’t push it.

  “When you saw him, at Stavanger airport, why didn’t you just walk away, Kari? I mean, why did you even go back over there, you could’ve stayed in the UK. You could’ve come back to me …”

  “I was pregnant.”

  “A pregnancy you’d kept hidden from him – hidden from me…”

  “It had nothing to do with you.”

  I drop my head and breathe in deep. “You didn’t tell him, Kari. You carried his child for months, and you didn’t tell him. What does that tell you, huh?”

  “I was confused. Scared. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew that I had to start a brand-new life because the old one – that wasn’t something I could go back to.”

  “Because of me?”

  “You tore my world apart, Noah. Do you understand that? I couldn’t even stay in the UK because I couldn’t be that close to you. I couldn’t be friends, couldn’t act like our life together being over was something I could deal with like a grown-up, because I couldn’t, deal with it.”

  “I would’ve been there for you, Kari.”

  “I was having Joe’s baby.”

  “Did you ever think about not having it.”

  “Having her. And no, I didn’t.”

  I raise my gaze and look right at her. “Never? Not even once?”

  She hesitates, and that tells me something. She wasn’t sure, not in the beginning. It’s there, in her eyes, that flicker of doubt. And she doesn’t answer me, but she doesn’t need to.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.” But her response gave me something I didn’t have all that much of before. Hope. Pushing her like this, making her face up to things I don’t think she’s even attempted to face up to before, it’s making her see that there could’ve been another way, I’m sure of it.

  “Having his baby didn’t mean you had to be with him.”

  “I know. Jenna’s already pointed that one out.”

  “He wore you down, Kari. He pushed you, took advantage of the fact you were pregnant, Jesus, it was the perfect opportunity for him! That’s what he does, don’t you see? He looks for the perfect opportunity, and then he puts his plan into action.”

  She narrows her eyes, she’s wary now. “I can’t believe you’re sitting there blaming my hormones for my decision to be with Joe. And this – our life together, this isn’t a ‘plan’.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “This isn’t working …”

  “Okay … Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just …”

  “Just what, Noah?”

  I want her back so much it hurts. I’m moving on without her because I have to, not because I want to, and coming here, to L.A., seeing her, I don’t think it’s helped anything. Everything I’ve found out here, it’s only made me worry about her more, because she’s still here. With Joe. And she shouldn’t be. She isn’t safe, and I need her to be safe. I need her with me, not with a man who can carry out the kind of twisted shit he’s done. I pity the business colleagues who piss him off. I fear for anyone who crosses him, his methods of payback are brutal. And yet, he doesn’t scare me. When it comes to Joe Millar, it’s like I have a constant need to fight him. I can’t stop myself from wanting to hit back, hoping I can punch harder than he can, what have I got left to lose? He’s already taken everything I love, I’ve got shit left to play for.

  “I just want to know if we could ever make it work again. You, and me.”

  She doesn’t respond immediately, she drops her gaze, starts picking at the hem of her sundress.

  “Are you going to answer the man, Kari?”

  I look up and there he is. Joe Millar. And I want to blame him, so fucking much, for everything that’s happened, but now I know it really is all on me. I was the catalyst. It was my actions that caused the chain of events that led us to this point.

  Joe sits down beside Kari, and when they look at each other, even though the glance is a fleeting one, it feels like someone reached into my chest and ripped my heart apart. That brief feeling of hope I had is wiped away, replaced by a pain so real I could cry out, but instead I just watch them. Together. Something I suddenly realise I’ve never done before. I’ve never seen them together, like this. And then he reaches for her hand and she pulls it away, but I know that’s just a reaction to what’s happening here. The shit that’s gone on over the past few days. She loves him, I can tell just by watching her body language. He loves her, it’s obvious. I really do think he’s won this.

  “No, I’m not going to answer him, Joe, because he knows what I’d say.” She looks at me, and I feel that pain in my heart come back twice as strong. “Don’t you, Noah?”

  My eyes lock on hers, and it’s like every moment I threw away; every second of a life I’d loved with a woman I’d adored, it flashes before me, reminding me of what I did. How stupid I was. I took something that wasn’t mine to take, and I paid for that, in the most painful way possible.

  “I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry.”

  I get up, so does she, and I notice he doesn’t stop her from coming over. He doesn’t stop her from hugging me, and I wrap my arms around her and I hold her one last time. I breathe her in and I wish with all my breaking heart that I hadn’t done what I did. It wasn’t worth it. It really wasn’t worth it.

  “I’ll always love you,” I whisper, but she doesn’t respond, I don’t expect her to. I just needed her to know. “Always.”

  And then she lets me go, the moment’s over. It’s time for me to leave.

  “I’ll see you out.” Joe stands up, throws Kari a look I can’t read, and then he glances at me, yeah, it’s time to go. Time to leave her here with a man I don’t trust, and I’m not sure she does, either. But this isn’t a fight I can win now.

  I was never going to win it.

  I never stood a chance …

  *

  I wanted him to hold her. I wanted him to remember what she feels like. To remember what he lost. The life he fucked up. Pissed away. He deserved it all, and maybe it wasn’t fair on Kari, she went through things I never meant for her to go through. She got hurt, and that kills me. That keeps me awake at night, the regret is all-consuming. So much shit was never meant to happen and yet, I’m glad it did, because it brought her into my life. It made me love again, it gave me my daughter. That little girl, her mom, they’re my fucking world, and I will do anything I can to protect them. Both of them. And she may not trust me anymore. She may say she d
oesn’t know me anymore, but she will. Again. In time. I’m lucky she’s still here. Still willing to try, but it’s not easy for her. She’s scarred. Damaged. And I can’t change that, I just wish that I could.

  She wanted to face him. Noah. I wasn’t sure how that was going to help, how it would work, but she needed to do it. And in the end, I think it was for the best. The fight is over now, the game’s played out, and there are no winners, not really. I’m not proud of what I did. People got hurt, and it makes me sad that I became the man I did, but I’m not him now. I just need to make Kari see that. Believe that. I’m different. I can’t change what happened, but I can try and make the future better.

  I’m in love with a woman who wasn’t mine to take, but when you believe in fate, maybe you have to cut yourself some slack and believe that everything happens for a reason, even the bad shit.

  I have a child now. A beautiful baby daughter, and what I feel for her is a love so fierce, so strong I would kill for her.

  I would kill for Kari.

  If I had to …

  Thirty-Four

  “You said it was too much, this house.”

  I turn around as Joe walks into the kitchen. “I said a lot of things.”

  “Yeah. I think we all did.”

  He slides his hands into his pockets and comes closer. Our relationship has been quite fragile, since Noah turned up. Since the truth finally came out. I haven’t wanted to be near Joe, haven’t wanted to be close to him, even though I’m fighting feelings I know are going to win out, one day. Just, not yet.

  “You said this life was too much.”

  I lean back against the island and fold my arms. “I was brought up in a three-bedroomed semi-detached house in a suburban seaside town. I lived with Noah in a two-up two-down terraced cottage, I’m used to ordinary, Joe. I’m not used to this. I don’t feel comfortable, I feel lost. Like my life doesn’t belong to me anymore. So much has changed in such a short space of time, and it might sound ungrateful, that I’m moaning about suddenly being thrust into this world, this life, but – it’s hard. Everything that’s happened, that’s been hard.”