If Heaven Had Cheese Fries

by Stephanie Staudinger

  “In the two weeks I offered the volunteer option, only one of you showed up.” Ethan resumed his lecture as I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. I hadn’t shown up yesterday, and the guilt I felt was made worse when I thought back to myself lying in bed, nursing a hangover.

  “I’m not mad. Life happens. More important things arise.”

  I started rubbing at a smudge on my desk. I felt that he was talking right to me, and I couldn’t look at him any longer. The smudge stayed put, as if mocking me with the reminder that some things in life just couldn’t be erased.

  “I’m done giving chances.” I jumped in my seat. Ethan’s voice came from right behind my desk as he circled the room. “Next time you guys screw up, it’s on you.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Matt’s hand stick straight up in the air. He spoke before Ethan even had the chance to call on him. “Can we still do the volunteer opportunities?”

  I saw Claire shoot him a look, but instead he stared straight at Ethan. I didn’t know what he was playing at. Matt had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t care about that “do-gooder shit.”

  “No.” Ethan returned to his desk. “You guys learned nothing by my being nice and going easy on you. Detention will still be in place tomorrow for all of you I previously spoke with.”

  That included me. I thought back to my outburst in class, wishing Ethan knew I was standing up for him. I knew I deserved the punishment though. I had a flash of Ethan sitting at the same bench on the school lawn with his usual silly socks, waiting for me to show up for the day’s volunteer work.

  To further prove his point, Ethan crumpled up the volunteer sign-up sheet and permission slips, tossing them angrily into the trash. When I looked away from the garbage to Ethan, we made eye contact. He held my gaze for a little bit longer before he turned to the chalkboard. “Now, let’s learn.”

  I caught up with Noah and Alyssa after the most uncomfortable class to date of my high school career.

  “So that was weird, huh?” They were walking fast, and I had to practically jog to keep up.

  “Yeah, sure,” Noah muttered without even a glance in my direction.

  “Is something wrong?” They were turning the corner and it felt like they were trying to get away from me, not even caring that they were being obvious about it.

  Alyssa stopped and turned abruptly towards me. “We’re not happy with you.” Her pink glossy lips were drawn in a straight line.

  “With me?”

  “No,” Noah laughed dryly. “The girl standing behind you.”

  I turned around as a group of younger girls brushed by me. All three of them had their arms linked together as they tried to bust their way through the crowd to get to class.

  “Don’t play dumb,” Alyssa said. “We know you were at the party this weekend.”

  For the second time in an hour, I felt very small. I just wished I could explain to everyone that none of this was about me. My lack of response was enough for them. They shook their heads incredulously and began walking away again.

  “Wait. I can explain,” I yelled out. Everything was crumbling around me at a rapid pace.

  They both turned to look at me as I focused on Noah’s headband, a navy blue color with polka dots. I couldn’t deal with Alyssa’s stare. I respected that she didn’t take bullshit from anyone, me included. But just then, I couldn’t deal with it.

  Something told me that she saw right through me, that she’d known I was full of bullshit since the very beginning.

  “Fine.” It was Noah who spoke up.

  “Fine?” Alyssa raised her eyebrows at his defiance towards her. He shrugged his shoulders as if to say that this was between us.

  “Fine,” Alyssa repeated. “Meet us after class at the convenience store by the senior parking lot.”

  “Okay.” I was about to add “Thank you,” but Alyssa pulled Noah away by the arm, mumbling something about hating to be late.

  The rest of my day dragged on. I was finding it harder to focus on my other classes that didn’t matter in the eyes of Glen and the powers above. In my immediate future, however, they did matter, and the fact that I received a D on a government quiz was enough to bring me back down to reality and the fact that eventually I would need to come up with a course of action. I had a stack of college applications tucked away, waiting in the wings if I fulfilled my purpose. I shoved the quiz into my backpack and out of my mind as I raced out the door to meet Alyssa.

  I spotted the bright flash of orange hair as Thorton peeked her head quickly around the corner of the dumpster when they heard my footsteps approaching. The thought that they were hiding from me quickly vanished from my mind when I saw that they were all smoking cigarettes. They were hiding their vices from the world.

  “Hey,” I whispered as I joined them behind the dumpster. The least I could do was respect their wishes to stay hidden.

  “Yo.” Noah gave me a head nod as he extended a pack of cigarettes towards me. A peace offering. I took one and put it to my lips, already knowing I wanted to cough though I hadn’t taken a puff of smoke yet. I didn’t have a choice in the matter, seeing as how Thorton was already thrusting a lighter in my face.

  No one said anything as smoke filled the area behind the dumpster. My eyes watered as Noah blew a cloud of smoke my way, a twinkle in his eyes as if he was teasing me. He knew I wasn’t a smoker, that it just another mask I wore.

  “This is really good, by the way.” I nodded towards him as I brought the cigarette towards my lips again. Take that, Noah.

  “It’s better if you inhale,” he said, and they all laughed.

  “So, I hear you’re going to help us.” Thorton looked at me expectantly. They had wasted no time clueing her in.

  I was actually glad for the cigarette, something to focus on while I collected my thoughts. “So, I know they’re making a documentary for Mr. Nash’s class.”

  “It doesn’t take rocket science to figure that much out.” I could tell Alyssa was thinking of all the times the camera was shoved in her face.

  “They’re plotting something toxic that needs to be stopped,” Thorton said matter-of-factly. “But, we’ve got something even better should they go through with it.”

  I wondered what she meant, but Noah was already talking. “Matt tried to bring the camera into the locker room today. Coach B. shut that shit down real quick.”

  “Isn’t that illegal?” I asked.

  “Gym teacher has such a boner for Darrington. Probably because his dad paid for the varsity basketball uniforms this year. There was no way he was going to get any punishment other than just being told no.” Noah shrugged. “They were looking for someone, though.”

  “Who?”

  “No idea. But I could just see their eyes scanning over everyone. For once, they ignored me.” Noah shrugged as if it was no big deal.

  “So, how can I help?”

  They all exchanged a look. Chances were that they already had a plan in place for me. That was fine. They wouldn’t be the only ones.

  “We need you to spy.” It was Thorton who spoke up, the decider of the group. That was fine—I’d been spying anyway. I nodded in response.

  “No.” She shook her head. “We really need you to spy. Get in their good graces. Date Matt, since everyone knows he’s falling for you.”

  Matt was falling for me? I needed to take a step back. I knew he was interested, but didn’t think it had gone any further than that. I didn’t want to play with people’s emotions, but I found myself saying yes.

  “Find out exactly what they’re doing, and we’ll be the ones who come up with how to stop it. If not, it’s payback time.” Thorton slammed her fist into her palm, causing me to jump.

  “Please,” Alyssa added, her eyes burning into mine. I knew she needed me to do that, perhaps more than anyone else, considering her history with Darrington.

  That word was all I needed. This wasn’t just a high school feud. This could potentially end up being l
ife or death. If Ethan knew all of this stemmed from his project he loved so much, he’d pull it. I knew how much it meant to him, though, so I didn’t want to involve him just yet. As I walked away, I couldn’t help but think: if only he knew what is yet to come, if only any of us knew.

  CHAPTER 22

  “Phone.” I wasn’t greeted with a hello as I entered Ethan’s classroom 15 minutes early for detention. Instead, he stuck out a small wicker basket in front of my face.

  I let my phone slip from my fingertips and land with a thunk at the bottom of the basket. I stared at it for a moment longer before taking a seat in the front row directly across from Ethan’s desk. Ethan was intently typing on a computer, ending any hope of a conversation. I took the opportunity to study him. His face was scruffier than usual and his tie was crooked, as if the weight of a poorly behaved senior class really was starting to take a toll on him. He suddenly looked up and met my gaze. The area around his eyes was more red than normal, too. He didn’t look as if he’d been sleeping much.

  His laughter broke the silence. He pointed at the clock above the door.

  It was contagious. I laughed too, “What’s so funny?”

  He shook his head before turning his attention back to the computer. “You’re just the first student I’ve ever had show up early to detention.”

  He wasn’t wrong. Detention was at 3:15 p.m. and yet there I was already. Most students took the half-hour break between the last bell of school and the start of detention to get food. I had even heard Darrington and Matt talking about grabbing snacks at the corner store before meeting up, like it was something they needed to pregame for.

  No one bothered to invite me anywhere, and I had nothing else to do. I told Ethan that I was there to get some studying done for my government class, which wasn’t entirely wrong.

  “I hope you will find this quiet time valuable.” He had finished up whatever he was doing. “I’m just disappointed you had to be here in the first place.”

  I didn’t get a chance to respond, as the rest of the group was starting to trickle in. It was no surprise that Ethan, the CC’s, and Darrington showed up together, complete with two bags of chips.

  “Seriously?” Claire rolled her eyes when Ethan told her to drop the cell phone into the basket.

  That was the only confrontation. They all took their seats in the back corner until Ethan made them split up. Unfortunately, he told Matt to take a seat next to me in the front row and Carly right behind me. Soon I would be surrounded and they would be able to smell my fear and betrayal.

  I had completely forgotten that Noah had been caught at the party until he slinked in a minute later, taking a seat in the corner.

  I ignored everyone as I went back to my notebook, adding more notes on what I had learned about Bailey’s past. Her grandparents peering through the window and the cuts on her leg hadn’t left my mind. I was adding a quick note about what Ethan said when a hand came out of nowhere and sent the notebook flying off my desk. It landed wide open, right in the middle of the aisle. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I felt that if I even averted my eyes, it would be acknowledging the horror that was unfolding.

  It was Matt who had knocked it out of my hands as he walked by. I waited for him to say something, ask me what it was, call me a freak, or something much worse as it lay there open so all the world could know my secrets. I heard the rustling of papers, and then it was tossed back onto my desk.

  Matt didn’t say anything as he slid into his seat. I remained frozen in mine.

  Ethan was greeting the rest of the detention class with his basket as they shuffled in. Life was going on around me, even though I half hoped Glen would come down and flood the classroom or something. What had Matt seen? He’d naturally have questions as to why I was keeping a pretty extensive list on the students’ mannerisms, descriptions, and home lives. With all the distractions going on around me, I was prepared to formulate my response.

  I looked down, only to find that the pages were blank. All of them. I shuffled through, trying to find any of my notes. They were gone.

  I slowly let out the breath I had been holding and suppressed a smile. It might not have been a flood, but Glen was there. He had hidden the words, and at that point, I didn’t even care if they’d ever come back.

  “Detention is now in session,” Ethan announced, looking out at the classroom, which was pretty full. It was quiet except for the shuffling of a few papers—and except for Zeke, who announced “Hear ye, hear ye” while tapping his pencil against his desk.

  A quick look from Ethan silenced any more of his usual slick remarks. I raised my eyebrows at Zeke as I turned my attention back to my notebook.

  The words were slowly returning, faint at first, growing darker and darker the longer I looked. There they were. All of it was back.

  “Psst.” A voice from behind me was trying to get someone’s attention. A vision of the girl from my dreams snaked its way into my thoughts.

  “Psst,” the voice said again, louder this time. I looked to Matt, who was ignoring whatever it was. Ethan was oblivious too as he continued to tap away at his computer. So, maybe only I felt that the sounds were reverberating off the walls of the otherwise silent room.

  Something hit my shoulder and bounced off. It was a balled-up piece of paper which I could only assume was meant for me. I picked it up and uncrumpled it slowly, as if the sound of paper would be the straw that broke the camel’s back when it came to Ethan’s attention.

  “Oh my God, she’s dumb.” I heard the whisper again and finally turned around, knowing they were referencing me. Rude. I narrowed my eyes at Carly, who was shutting the notebook from which she had just ripped the page from.

  “It’s blank, leave it. That’s how people got each other’s attention before cell phones in the 1800’s.” I didn’t bother to correct her. Instead, I returned her eye roll and dropped the piece of paper back on the floor before spinning back around to face the front. Two could play at that game.

  Matt was staring at us. His attention had left the scribbles he was making on his desk and was zoned in on Carly. I saw him give the slightest nod to her before he erupted in a fit of coughs. They grew louder and more forceful until it sounded as if he was going to hack up a lung. I acted quickly, unzipping my backpack to find the water bottle I knew I’d had in there since lunch. I was about to reach out and hand it to him when I saw Matt give Carly a quick wink. I would have missed it if I looked half a second later.

  Ethan approached our desks, an unopened water bottle in his right hand.

  “Are you okay?” He stopped right between Matt’s desk and mine, his foot kicking the crumpled-up piece of paper slightly forward.

  “Fine, now, Mr. Nash.” Matt broke out into a smile, taking the bottle from Ethan and gulping a few sips down. “You the real MVP.”

  Ethan bent down to pick up the crumpled piece of paper. “Also, don’t be litterbugs.”

  He turned and started walking back to his desk when Carly spoke up from behind me.

  “Um, Mr. Nash. I really think you should read that.”

  I turned in my seat, narrowing my eyes at her. She stared straight ahead as if she was looking right through me. I feared for a second that I had finally become a ghost. The next words out of her mouth reminded me of just how real I was.

  “That note is from Abigail.” Carly didn’t even blink as she continued talking straight through me to Ethan. “She had passed that note to me, but it made me super uncomfortable, so I kicked it back to her.” The whole class was staring at us. I spun back around to face Ethan as he read the note silently. His eyes darted across the page, taking it all in.

  “It’s, uh, really none of my business,” Carly continued. “But, it’s something that should probably be discussed in private between you two.”

  Someone off to the side let out a low whistling sound.

  “Or maybe with the principal too, I don’t know.” She shrugged and went back to her homework, as if no
thing had just happened.

  “Oh shit,” someone-- sounded like Darrington--whispered off to the side.

  I tried to catch Matt’s attention, but he was too busy running his fingers down the condensation which had formed on the side of his water bottle.

  Ethan folded the note up and stuck it into his front pocket. “See me after class.”

  Great, just great. There was no doubt in my mind that they had set me up for something. They must have somehow discovered my agreement with Alyssa. I was caught in the middle, and somehow I was the one getting burned. I forced myself not to panic. After all, Glen was there. He had erased my notebook for me; surely he could erase the note too.

  I gave Ethan a curt nod. His expression, however, remained unreadable until the bell rang for the end of detention.

  The class filed out as I stayed seated. Matt collected his things slowly. When he saw I was staring, he leaned in close and said, “Good luck.” I held his look until Ethan cleared his throat, signaling that it was time for Matt to leave.

  Matt sauntered out of the room, shooting one last look at Ethan, who shut the door behind him.

  Ethan beckoned for me to come to the front of the room. I took my time neatly putting everything into my backpack. I looked down at my shoes, wondering if I could tie them and retie them several times to buy more time. Better to get it quickly over with. I approached his desk.

  His eyes darted towards the door before he uncrumpled the note on his desk. I caught a glimpse of Carly’s perfect handwriting, which was altered slightly to try and mimic mine.

  I cocked my head trying to read upside down. Carly, I need your help were the only words I could make out, but it was enough to instill a sense of fear in me.

  Ethan flipped the note around so I could read it more easily. Carly, I need your help. I honestly have no one else to turn to, no one else to trust, and it scares me. I think Ethan might have taken our phones to delete the evidence and used the basket in detention as a ploy. When I went to his volunteer opportunity, he was super inappropriate. That line was followed by several hand drawn sad faces, each one bigger than the last. I told him no when he tried to kiss me in his car afterwards but he was super aggressive. He told me not to tell anyone because no one at Margaret Fielder would take these accusations seriously anyways. I just need advice. I’m so lost. It ended with another sad face, which was just overkill in my opinion.