Another two weeks had passed, and Tamara had not gotten pregnant. As far as she knew, anyway. Time had become hard for her and Isaiah, and they got questions everywhere they went, on when their bundle of joy would come and make the whole pack happy. It made her sad, and she didn't even look like herself in the mirror. The only solace she had were her letters from Roman. Happily, they kept coming every couple of days.
The sex with Isaiah had become mechanical. They would strip each night, have sex, and fall asleep. The purpose was for a baby, and she knew that. She knew that so many people got into that rut and would get out of it one day. When nothing romantic had ever blossomed to begin with, she was losing her faith.
Isaiah’s runs were getting longer and longer, and she found herself daydreaming about the past and about how things might have been had she known Roman wanted her, sooner. Would she have tried things out with him and turned Isaiah down? What would the sex be like there, and the romance?
She knew that Roman would never make her want for anything emotionally. It made her sad that she even had to go there to escape the frustrating mundane of the every day. And she was beginning to worry there was something wrong with her body. If she couldn't conceive, would Isaiah even want to marry her anymore? If they couldn't produce an heir, he would eventually be forced to take another mate, marriage or not. There were no exceptions in the Olympia pack, or any pack she had ever heard of.
Finding herself up early, as usual, she went into her desk drawer, pulling out Roman’s last letter, to read again, as well as some paper and pen to answer it with.
Really, she doubted she needed to sneak around. There was nothing against the rules in what she was doing with the letters. Isaiah may not have been bothered by it at all. However, there was something intimate about it, sharing their friendship once again in privacy. Tamara didn't want to take that away from them again. Especially when this was all they had left of it.
Dear Tamara,
I can’t believe you remember that wedding where my brother was so mean to you. We only talked for a brief moment, and I was sure the humiliation you felt from what Orson did would surely drive it out of your mind. I remember it vividly. You in that blue dress, trying to impress someone who couldn’t be impressed, at least not outwardly. You sure impressed me. In fact, you always impress me, Tamara. You are so strong.
I want to know how you are, though, we can't keep talking about the past and living there if we are going to make it through this. I am going to be the brave one and ask you to tell me how things are going with you and Isaiah. Please, be honest. I can take it. I have to learn to take it.
Love,
Roman
Tamara sighed, not knowing if she could do what he wanted. Talking about trying to conceive with Isaiah to Roman felt wrong on so many levels. It almost broke her heart right along with his. But she also wasn't going to deny him a letter or some form of honesty. Maybe she could tiptoe around the subject a bit. Maybe he wouldn't see right through her.
Dear Roman,
Of course, I remember. It was yet another time you saved me. You do that a lot, and I hope I can repay you at some point.
As far as your request, I will try and do my best to tell you what has been going on without getting into so much detail to upset anyone. Isaiah and I are trying to make this something that can turn into a solid marriage. I don’t know if it is appropriate to admit to you that we are struggling. At least, I am. We are connecting in some ways and not others. I feel like I am doing everything I can to the point of exhaustion. And I feel the pack’s expectation weighing down on me. I thought Annalise was our problem, but what if it isn't?
Love,
Tamara
Hearing Isaiah stirring, she slid the envelope and note under Lacy’s door. She had been loyal to a fault about the letters, though, Lacy had put up a protest the first time until Tamara explained the point of it. Then, Lacy thought it was a good idea to rebuild a friendship and maybe get the reins loosened by Isaiah on Roman.
Isaiah came into the room, looking ready to go running again. Something about his recent running habits started to irk her. The often long runs, more so than he ever used to, where did he run to?
Tamara made a decision, to wait until he had been gone long enough and then follow him. Isaiah may have been fast, but she was swift herself, and great at sniffing out those she knew the scent of. She could easily pick it up and then catch up to find out what was so special that these runs took more and more time each day. She needed some insight into him to make things work better. At least that was how she was justifying it, sneaking behind him like some fox, after she finally caught up.
But when she saw where he was going and where he finally stopped, collapsing onto the ground on his knees as she watched him from behind a tree, she knew it had been a good idea. Isaiah was standing right on the line where the coven and pack territory met. There was no way he could cross it, or that he would even dare to, after everything. She could tell that, but it did mean something. Annalise was, in some way, still on his mind.
Isaiah fell to the ground right in front of what he knew was the invisible barrier between the pack and coven territory. He had been there many times, now, and dozens in the past few days. His runs often took him right there, and he would have loved to stay. He didn't know why, but he absolutely did. At first, when he had shown up, the barrier was still weak. He could hop right over the line, and no one came running to see why there was a werewolf in the coven's territory. But now, it was up and stronger than ever. It meant that Annalise had done her job. She had corrected the mistakes and healed the coven and its land.
Isaiah wasn't sure what he had been expecting; maybe for her to abandon the coven and come running back after what he said to her? No, he had made sure the arrangement was permanent, but it didn't mean his heart had been ready to stop hoping.
He thought that the body of another, preoccupying himself with trying to get Tamara pregnant, would soon erase all those other pains and feelings about the witch he could never touch again. He had been so very wrong. It just made him ache more, but he could never tell Tamara that. Time was what he needed. It was something an alpha couldn't afford.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
Tamara wanted to scream and break everything in the room apart. But, surely, she would show her weakness, in that moment, if Isaiah came back from yet another run, to find her that way. She’d taken the second pregnancy test she had dared to, still trying to repair whatever she could with Isaiah and make it work. Only, her anger didn't translate well to anywhere but the bedroom. At least she thought, that would get them the heir they so desperately needed and wanted. That wasn't working either.
Tamara collapsed to the floor instead. She was feeling the wave of emotions, she had been bottling up, wash over her. It was like the rain pelting the windows outside. She had told Isaiah he shouldn't be running in that, he might get sick, but he went anyway. She didn't want to know any more for sure if he was running right up to that barrier again or just taking his usual run. She already knew it was an excuse.
The man wasn't over Annalise, no matter how hard he was trying. That was the worst part of all. Other than his runs, he was doing everything he should have been doing. He wasn't holding back from being with her anymore. And, as their wedding approached, he was completely involved. She did not understand how he could be so into it all but still feel nothing for her; not like he did for Annalise, anyway.
Tamara was done comparing herself to that woman. It wasn’t like that anymore. She knew they were just different; different things to love about them both. But she couldn't help but be jealous of the ease of her connection to Isaiah, even as they had cut themselves off entirely from one another. In fact, they had not heard a peep from anyone in the coven since she left. Tamara had taken it as a good sign, but she knew for many reasons that Isaiah found it troubling. Maybe he was afraid that the woman hated him. Tamara could only guess since they didn't talk about it, trying to save
face.
During all of the turmoil, the only thing that had kept her going was her letters back and forth with Roman. She could tell he was quickly getting over everything for the sake of their friendship, and she felt like she could tell him anything. She had even admitted to him that she had dreams about him, about being with him. She didn't understand the meaning, and Roman didn't seem to take advantage of her over it, either. He just had sympathy for her, wanting to keep her strong and to continue trying in the bad situation she was in.
Tamara jumped as she heard the roll of thunder from outside, that shook the cabin a bit. Rain she was used to, but thunderstorms like this were rare. It somehow reflected the storm inside of her. She stood up, determined to figure out what she could do about all of it, while Isaiah was gone.
She walked out into the living room, looking out the large window that was close by the door. She could barely make out anything through the torrential rains that were coming down and the blackness of the clouds. It really did feel like her heart and soul were in the same state, and she wondered if Isaiah would even be able to see to make it home for the next several hours. He might be better off staying as a wolf under the shelter of the trees, rather than trying to run back in this. That kind of rain would even cover up the smells that would lead him back that way. It would give her time to think about her next move because the pain she was feeling was not worth it anymore.
She sat down at the dining room table, only barely acknowledging the fact that Lacy was sipping some coffee across from her. In her hand she held paper and pen, ready to write her next letter to Roman. She couldn't hold back from spilling everything anymore. It hurt, knowing how he felt about her when she had chosen to be with Isaiah, someone who did not feel that way about her; and knowing he did feel that with someone else.
Lacy gave her the privacy she needed, exiting to the living room and turning on the television. Her tears began to drop down onto the page, smudging some of the words.
Dear Roman,
I have reached a breaking point, and I will not hold back my emotions, not with you. You have been there for everything. We have both been there for each other. I have no reason to hold in my thoughts and emotions, even if they are not the most appropriate in my position. I trust you with this.
I have found out I am not pregnant with an heir. I am sorry if it hurts you to know that we are trying, but this is our job. It was the one thing through this all I was certain we would succeed at, but nothing is coming from it. These runs get longer and longer. Now he is out there in this terrible storm, probably being forced to stick it out until he can see or sniff his way back after the calm comes.
I sit here thinking about what I can do to make this better, and one of the only things on my mind is that I made a mistake. I truly did not realize your feelings for me when I accepted being Isaiah’s mate. I am not sure if knowing would have changed my mind at the time or not, but I feel like my blindness has led me here.
I don't know if I love you, if I would have loved you, but I know I should love you. I have tried to love this man, the alpha, and he is a good man, in general. He is trying to be the best leader he can. But I can feel his longing even when we are together, which makes me long for another too; another who would see only me. I think that person is you, and I think I am trying to say I am sorry. I am sorry for not seeing it and for ruining our chances. I am sorry that I didn't allow something to blossom. Sorry that I spent many of my years secretly pining for a boy who was not who I thought he was.
I think as I have written this, I have decided. I am going to try one last thing to make this work, even as much as I hate the idea of it. After that, I will accept whatever punishment there is for leaving the position of mate and the pack. It would be the only way the pack would not blame Isaiah for it if I was a lone wolf.
Goodbye, Roman, just in case.
Tamara
Tamara folded up the letter and tucked it in her pocket before going into her bedroom and rummaging to find the best clothes she had to protect her in the storm. She was going to drop the letter off herself, slipping it under his door, and then she had someone she needed to see. She only hoped she did not run into Isaiah on the way because she needed to do this alone and in secret. It was the only hope she had left.
She came out and looked to Lacy, knowing there was going to be a fight to get her out that door. “I am taking care of something, and I need you to stay here,” Tamara told Lacy.
“In this storm? Are you crazy? There's no way I am letting you be this insane, all alone. What's going on, Tamara?” Lacy asked. Lacy and she had formed quite a bond since she became her guard. Tamara was pretty sure she was one of the only pack members Lacy cared about at all. It was flattering, but right now, it was a burden.
“Maybe I am crazy, and I appreciate your concern. However, there is something I have to do myself, Lacy,” she said quietly. Lacy wasn’t blind. She had to notice what was going on there. She and Hector were the experts on minding their own business, but Lacy was still new enough at it to care and have opinions. She had expressed them in private on many occasions.
Lacy pursed her lips at Tamara, in disapproval. “Do not make me regret this. You better come back by morning in one piece.” Tamara nodded, agreeing with her. Then, as an afterthought, she gave the woman a hug. She deserved it. Then, Tamara was out the door.
She would take this journey on foot, for now, simply walking through the downpour to get to Roman’s place. Being a wolf would actually be a disadvantage for now, but she would run fast that way when she needed to. She would just have to risk getting lost a few times before she reached her destination.
Tamara approached Roman's place; a place that used to have two other inhabitants. She remembered when that place was filled with fun and love. She wondered, not for the first time, how Roman was handling living there all alone now. In all of their drama, they had all neglected him and his needs.
Knowing he must be inside somewhere, Tamara bent down and slipped the letter under his door, making sure it didn't get wet from the rain. It was already wet from her tears and hard to read. She hoped he would be able to decipher it. Then, before he could come out and notice her there, Tamara took off running into the woods, changing into a wolf in an instant.
As she ran in the way she thought she needed to go, she thought about how she used to worry so much about being able to control the change. It was effortless now, but when she was a child, she was delayed, like some other female pack members were. It was difficult, especially when she got made fun of for it. She had worried that she would never be able to do it. Now, her worries were much bigger than that.
Like she had imagined, it took her several tries to make it to the right place, but the one good thing was, she did not run into Isaiah. It normally would have concerned her, but she had to worry about herself for once.
She could feel that magical barrier that was put up between the coven’s territory and the pack’s. It felt stronger than usual. It must have had something to do with Annalise being back. She remembered that Annalise was supposed to be more powerful than any witch they had ever seen before. This had to be a part of that.
Through the shimmery barrier, she could see that there was a witch waiting for her, which was unusual. She thought she recognized her. It was the blonde witch that had performed the funeral for Isaiah's father.
“What business do you have here?” she asked more curiously than coldly.
“I seek an audience with your leader,” Tamara said sarcastically, crossing her arms. The witch let her through the barrier before it closed right back up behind her. “What’s with the increased security?” Tamara asked as the blonde witch led her towards where Annalise was staying.
“I am not sure it is something I should discuss with you,” she answered honestly. “But I assure you it is absolutely necessary for the safety of all of us,” Tamara noted the cryptic subtext in that but followed the blonde without another word to her. She wasn't one f
or having a heart to heart with a witch. It was bad enough that she was having to come grovel at Annalise's feat.
Tamara’s only thought was that Isaiah needed to get this woman out of his system. He needed to have a night with her and be done with it; so, he didn't keep wondering what it would have been like. It was the best compromise she could offer and the only way she thought she could save them.
The witch stopped them in front of the house and motioned for Tamara to wait there. Tamara wasn't sure what the big deal was. It had never been that way with Hyacinthe. She had been so easy to see. Had Annalise gotten a big head, or was something more sinister going on?
It was a few minutes before anyone came back out, and it was both the blonde and Hyacinthe. It was Hyacinthe who spoke to her. “It has taken some convincing, but Annalise has agreed to see you,” Hyacinthe began. Did Annalise hate her that much? Tamara shouldn't have been that surprised. She hadn't treated her all that well. “I am warning you, though, that if there are things your heart and mind cannot handle, you should turn around and go home now. I don't know why you came here, but whatever it is, is not going to be a priority once you see her.”
Tamara shook her head, feeling more confused than ever. “I don't know what game you’re playing, but I have something important to discuss with Annalise. That is all.” Hyacinthe nodded, and both witches led her inside. Tamara was not expecting what she saw. There were at least a dozen other witches leading all the way into the dark bedroom where Annalise was lying in bed. They were all clearly guarding her. Was she ill? Tamara didn't know if witches could even get ill other than by a poisonous potion or spell.
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