The Erotica Handbook

by Emily Baker

  Step 1: Pick a niche

  For your first story I recommend something you’re comfortable with. There are a lot of crazy niche, fetishes, and kinks when it comes to erotica, but before you get into those let’s write a couple regular ones first. Here, I’ll help you. We’ll build a story as we go along.

  Our story will be of the Vanilla niche. That is to say, two fairly regular people who are going to have regular sex. That might sound a little boring, but guess what? As far as I know nobody on Earth actually has tentacles or can change into a weretiger. We’re writing regular stories for regular people because that’s where the money is. I don’t judge anybody for reading alien-monster books but I wouldn’t recommend writing one unless you are really into that stuff and know (personally) what the tentacle people want to read. There’s nothing worse than writing an erotica book that doesn’t sell, and tentacles are a tough nut to crack.

  “Shut up about the tentacles!” Okay, okay. Moving on. Our niche is vanilla, which is technically a niche in the same way that tofu is technically a food.

  Step 2: Create a main character

  Sex, name, job, location, and a few relevant details. That’s all you need to get started.

  Sex: Male or Female: Since most erotica is written by women and told in the first person (ex: I opened the door, I dropped my bra) you should probably make your first main character a woman. The reason for this is the majority of your customers (remember women buy more erotica) don’t relate as well to prose like (I felt my cock going hard) because they don’t have a penis.

  If you’re a guy this might creep you out at first, but relax, sparky, nobody is going to judge you for it. You know who you are. Writing from the point of view of the opposite sex doesn’t make you a homosexual. Same goes for you, ladies. Writing about your concrete abs and rippling shoulder muscles and seven-inch cock doesn’t make you queer. Some of the most successful erotica stories actually flip back-and-forth between the first person views of both the male and female lead. If you can write comfortably as both sexes you are ahead of the pack.

  Pick a name: Again, use the random name generators until you find something you like. Just pick one that makes sense and isn’t old-fashioned like Dorothy or Dolores unless you're writing a historical piece. Don’t use the names of anybody you know. It would tarnish the relationship if they ever found out. Plus it’s lazy. And you’re not lazy. You’re an erotica writer now. You’re a hard-working smut machine.

  If the name generators aren’t doing it for you, grab a magazine or boot up Twitter and look at the trending topics. You’ll find a name.

  For our practice story we’re going to go with: Molly.

  Give your character a job: Everybody has a job, even if that job is Unemployed. The job you give your character will help with the story, her basic interactions and filling in the background.

  NOTE: Creating your main character should not be a lengthy process. Don’t write a 500 word biography for her. Don’t go into her closet and dig up her skeletons. This is not a novel. This is erotica and erotica is about building desire and sex. Nobody cares where your character went to school or what instrument she played in fourth grade. You can, by all means, mention those in the story (if they’re relevant to your thinly-veiled plot) but I recommend avoiding most of that stuff. You won’t need it.

  They say there are two types of writers, the outliner and the person who writes by the seat of their pants. You want to be the second person. We already have an outline, remember?

  The outline is: Character → normal day-to-day actions → sexy new person appears → build desire → SEX → story resolution.

  That’s the only outline you’ll need to start. Writing by the seat of your pants is exciting and erotica is about excitement. Don’t worry about getting stuck. In a few pages I’m gonna give you five solid tips to get out of any writing jam. With these tips you will not ever experience writer’s block when writing erotica, I promise you.

  Where were we?

  Oh yes. Molly needs a job. I have decided she is going to be freelance journalist. It’s not what she wanted to be, but too bad, cupcake. You can’t always roll doubles.

  Location: When the story begins, where is your character? At home? At work? At the grocery store? Who cares. It doesn’t really matter. Put them wherever you want. Put your character wherever you feel comfortable but don’t put them somewhere strange. If your character is a divorced soccer mom then don’t put her in a space hospital in orbit around Jupiter. The reader picks up erotica to experience something they can relate to.

  I have seen Jupiter-based soccer mom erotica and it doesn’t sell. There is a giant pile of it at the bottom of the Amazon sales listings. If your dream is to write Game of Thrones in space, great, after you’ve got your erotica empire going you can write whatever you want.

  Since Molly is a freelance journalist she’s going to be at home. Boring? Maybe. Do we care? No. Erotica is about fantasy, arousal, and sex. I would watch my two favorite actors have sex in a white room on white bed if I had the opportunity. The setting is largely irrelevant. The only thing we’re going to use it for is environment interaction.

  Relevant details: If it’s not absolutely relevant to the plot, then don’t write it down. Remember, we’re writing by the seat of our pants.

  You do want to start somewhere though, so jot down a few ideas and scrap most of them. If you want to make your character more realistic give them a personality disorder. Everybody has at least a couple of those.

  It’s also important that your character want something other than getting laid. Most people (especially boys) are already constantly thinking about sex, so in order to make our character unique enough for the reader to enjoy and relate to the experience, she should want something else, something fairly ordinary but also unique to their circumstances. The want doesn’t have to be an object it can be a task. For example your character wants to write a fantasy novel but she has writer’s block and doesn’t know how to get past it. Do you see where I’m going with this? The person she’s going to have sex with will help her solve her problem and achieve her want.

  Enter the sexy older man, a Harvard professor who’s written five best sellers and offers to help her with her manuscript…for a price. In your head you’re thinking, “Yes, do it, bang the professor, finish your novel, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted!” In reality you’d report this guy to the dean and he’d get fired for abusing his authority. But we’re not writing reality, we’re writing erotica. It’s a fantasy. Everything is safe. Nothing bad will happen if she has sex with the professor. She’s not going to get pregnant or slut-shamed on the internet. She’s going to get bent over his desk and taught a lesson about characters and plot. And she’s gonna like it.

  As for Molly, her relevant details are she’s divorced and just moved into a new apartment. Her kids are staying with their dad in Boston. She hasn’t been laid in months. She’s supposed to be getting ready to attend a political rally so she can live-tweet the event for some magazine. But the furniture delivery she’s been waiting for is now two hours late. Molly is useless at putting together furniture and paid extra so the men would set it up when they got there. Frustration.

  Do you see how much better that is than a biography? All of those details will be used in the story. It’s not important why she is, it’s what she is. There’s a billion reasons why she might be divorced but it’s not relevant to this erotica story so we don’t waste time coming up with a unique idea.

  Step 3: Get in the boat

  This is the beginning of your story. This is where we actually start writing. The idea is you want to take your character and show them interacting in a normal safe environment. Think of it like a doorway through which the reader will enter. They’re coming from a world that is normal, so we don’t want to shock them right away.

  NOTE: Remember this is just our simple story formula to get you started. Once you know what you’re doing you can do whatever you want. Start the
story mid-action, mid-sex, or wherever you want.

  We’re world-building. We’re describing who she is, where she is, and what her problem is. Her want. What’s she doing in that room right now? Remember: “Every character should want something, even if it’s only a glass of water.” – Kurt Vonnegut. But please don’t write an erotica story about a glass of water. The quote shouldn’t make you think of simple things, it should help you realize that everybody has a to-do list of things they want to get done. They’ve got a big list and a little list. On the little list is the glass of water. The big list is for hopes and dreams. Somewhere between the two is your story.

  Describe your location, your character, her frustrations, and her objectives. What does she plan on doing today? Describe her interacting with her location. Moving from location to location growing more frustrated with life. For length of my Get in the boat sections I usually shoot for about 20% of the story, or 500 words in a 2,500 word-short. (1,500 words in a 7,500 word short.)

  You want the reader to understand who she is and what she wants but you don’t want to bore them. Remember: Your customer bought this book because they were horny. They might have been lying in bed fantasizing about having sex with some buff contractor they met at Home Depot who smelled like lumber and man sweat. Getting them in the boat in this case might involve your character walking in to Home Depot with a carpentry problem, and the helpful contractor offering to come back to her place and help her.

  When you get in a boat you expect it to float, right? That’s what you’re shooting for here. Things are going normal.

  Molly, the freelance journalist is at home waiting for the furniture delivery. She’s growing more and more frustrated because she’s realized she’s going to be late for the political rally. She calls the store and they tell her the men should have been there hours ago. They say they’ll get to the bottom of it but that doesn’t help Molly. She can’t leave until they arrive.

  Step 4: Rock the boat

  This is where you’re going to shake up your character’s world. Their lives and situation are going to become unstable and they will be forced to make a decision: Stay in the boat, or jump ship?

  Most people jump ship. And if you’re writing a novel or a longer piece of erotica and you want to build tension or suspense you can have them jump ship. Jumping ship just means they aren’t committing just yet. Someone might invite your character to coffee and she declines, but then can’t stop thinking about the guy and the next time he asks she says yes and stays in the boat. For this to be an erotica story eventually they must stay in the boat and go for it.

  Rocking the boat is as easy as introducing someone the character did not expect to meet. Given the choice it’s someone they would have wanted to meet, but they never expected to meet them today.

  The type of person you will introduce is dictated by the genre. If you’re writing paranormal erotica then you introduce a shape shifter or vampire or whatever. A little bit of mystery goes a long way. This is where first person excels. You’re inside the character’s head so you can dictate what they perceive to be mysterious. It’s harder to be mysterious from a third-person omnipotent viewpoint.

  Since our example story is from the vanilla genre the person Molly will meet will be a younger man. The delivery driver.

  “Aren’t there supposed to be two of you?” I said.

  “My partner quit this morning, so it’s just me. Sorry I’m late,” he said.

  Molly expected for there to be two delivery guys. But only one shows up. He’s younger, let’s say a lot younger. 19 or 20. Molly is 36 but she can’t keep her eyes off him. And now she feels bad about yelling at the clerk because the driver was late. It wasn’t his fault and he’s doing the best he can. He says he can set up her bunk beds but he’ll need her help. She checks her watch, not enough time. Molly has to shower if she’s going to be ready in time for the political rally. Then she sees the guy wipe his brow with his t-shirt and she catches a glimpse of his hard stomach. And she experiences…Desire. They chat some more and it turns out they both support the same candidate for president. (Oh my god, what are the odds?!)

  Step 5: Build desire

  Erotica is not just about the sex. It’s about building the desire. You’re slowly pushing the reader closer and closer to the cliff and when they can’t take it anymore you push them over the edge.

  If you write an 80,000 word doorstop with more desire scenes than sex scenes, congratulations you’ve discovered the romance novel. Do not write a romance novel. Most of them make zero dollars. Less than zero dollars if you invest any money in a cover or an editor. You’ll probably even have a hard time giving it away for free.

  We’re not creating art, remember, we’re creating erotica. But, you still need to build desire. Anybody can describe a sex scene, and if you’re a man, writing for men, then it can work. But you’re going to be writing for women, and let me tell you, the build-up is better than the sex.

  I don’t care about your witty euphemisms for the male genitalia, I want to read about the sexual tension. I want to smell a lumberjack coated with danger. I want him running his eyes across my body like he’s ravishing me. I want to feel what it’s like to be chocked without him touching me. Safety. Fantasy. I want him saying dirty things. Nasty things. Things that make me turn red and squeal and run out of the room. The ways you can build desire are endless. The goal is to convince the reader (and the character) this other person doesn’t just want to have sex with your protagonist, they need to have sex with your protagonist. Like they’ve been commanded Apollo not to come back without tasting your character. You can get a little mushy if you want. Whatever works. Every girl wants to be told she’s a beautiful, funny and unique. A beautiful snowflake that wants to get her brains fucked out.

  Vulcan on the streets and a Klingon in the sheets.

  If you’re shooting for 7,500 words, you can build desire and then leave your character hanging. Have your boat-rocking secondary character (who is so good-looking it looks like he fell out of a magazine) leave the protagonist hanging. Make his intentions known. Then have him wink and say “Okay see you later.” Nothing gets reader wetter than a man with the will power to turn down sex on the first date. Your character will feel like a slut. And everybody wants to be treated like a slut every once in a while.

  Luckily for Molly she’s in a 2,500 word short story and our delivery boy has her hooked and now he’s gonna real her in. He gets started putting the bunk bed together and asks her to help. They bond a little over their common interest, the political candidate for president. Molly realizes this is taking too long. Tells him she has to shower. He says, “Okay I’ll keep working.”

  She trusts him. Not because she knows him but because he’s a part-time volunteer for Leslie Whatsherface. He’s been screened. He’s safe. Everything will be okay. Molly gets up and snags her shirt on a dresser. Bangs her head. Hits the floor. He’s there in a heartbeat. Are you okay? Blah blah blah. He helps her up and she notices how strong he is. How powerful his arms are. His eyes. His smell. Everything about him drives her nuts.

  Step 6: Sex

  Time to do the dirty. Now is the time to become one of the characters. If you’re Molly, what is it you want this guy to do to you? Bend you over the bunkbed? Take you into the shower? The living room?

  If you’re the delivery driver and can do anything you want to Molly with no repercussions and you knew she’d be into it, what would you do?

  Readers aren’t interested in what you think they would like. They’re interested in what you like. Think of the sex scene like a Choose Your Adventure book. If you want the delivery boy to take Molly into the kitchen and fuck her with soup ladle, turn to page 287!

  You can do anything you want. There is a million ways this can play out. But don’t just have the have the guy jab her a couple times. Work it slow. Remove their clothing, kiss, work the ears, the lips, the tongue. Move down their bodies like you’re doing a sexy exam. Most sex is under seve
n minutes long but most single-scene pornos films are around thirty minutes. It’s magic! If you run out of ideas just boot up a porno and write down every single thing they do and use it as your own personal sex act generator. Every time you get stuck, just hit the list and pick one at random. (She gives him a lap dance, he flips her on her back and spank hers, he eats her out from behind, etc.)

  Use the environment as much as possible. It’s like writing a fight screen, except instead of smashing a chair over someone’s head, you sit on it and use it to have sex. Grab a something that could conceivably be used as a dildo and shove it in her. Women have putting strange things in their bodies since they discovered it felt good. Just don’t shove anything up there that might make the reader cringe because they think it would be more pain than pleasure.

  If you want the delivery boy to fuck Molly against the big window where someone could be watching, turn to page 487!

  Now we’re cooking with fire. Some people like to be watched when they’re having sex. Some people get off on strangers looking at their nude photos. There are entire websites dedicated to this. But be careful, but introducing voyeurism into your story you’ve modified the genre a little bit. Voyeurism is not that dangerous so I wouldn’t worry, but just be aware of how the sex acts you’re writing might change the genre. The worst thing you can do in the erotica business is sell someone a misleading product. Misleading products means unhappy customers, returns, and negative reviews. While a voyeurism is fine, it’s different than Matt whipping out his cell phone and bringing over his entire frat who will turn the sex into a gangbang.

  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  A lot of girls dream of being tied down and fucked by a train of guys, each one coming inside us, in our mouths, on our backs and leaving us soaked in a pile of sweat and feeling like a huge slut.