by S M Mala
‘If she wants you and you want her then what can I do?’ she quietly said. ‘I’d have to give you up, wouldn’t I?’ Jake looked up as Hatty sat up straight and smiled at him for a second. ‘I’d have no choice.’
‘Now you’re being silly,’ he said, not wanting to dig deep into Hatty’s insecurity so he decided to ignore it and carry on eating as she sat and smiled at him for a few moments. He looked up again and she was in deep thought. ‘Aren’t you eating?’
‘Yes,’ she said and smiled, this time he knew it was forced.
‘Get it off your chest,’ he said quietly, helping himself to more food.
‘When I heard your dad cry, he sounded broken hearted, really hurt. I’ve never heard him cry before and all over food. I used a recipe from a book my mother had, there’s only about twenty recipes, and he recognised the taste and cried. That’s real love. I’m going to make him a meal from the book, each week, not to make him cry to make him happy. I told him I’d be looking after him when he got older so I might as well prepare him for my cooking.’ She took a deep breath as Jake stared at her. ‘If you end up with Gina Glory Glory I understand. She’d love New York and would make an amazing wife. And I’m not saying this because I need reassurance and crap like that. I’m just telling you the truth.’
‘I’m not interested in Gina and I certainly don’t want a wife.’
Jake swallowed a massive lump of food without chewing.
‘That’s not true about Gina Glory Glory and you and I know it. I can’t help it but you look so perfect together and maybe that’s a sign it’s meant to be.’ Hatty let out an uncomfortable laugh. ‘If you could stay with me before you go back, I’d really love that but if you change your mind because you are only young, I’ll understand. Obviously, you’d have to move back to your father’s because I won’t have her come in here and-.’
‘Hold on a minute!’ he said, getting frustrated with her comments. ‘You’re taking this all out of context and making it bigger than it is, like most women.’
‘I know you like her, I know you still want her,’ she said, leaning forward, looking straight into his eyes. ‘I’ve seen it for months. I might not be up to speed on the sex side but I know these things. Why would you go out of your way to avoid her if you weren’t afraid of how you feel?’
‘She is temptation on a stick,’ he said, wiping his mouth and throwing his napkin down onto the table, realising Hatty had rumbled him. ‘And probably if we weren’t together, I’d want to fuck her! I’m not going to lie about that. She’s attractive, sexy and confident. It’s an appealing package.’ Then he noticed the tears welling up in Hatty’s eyes. ‘Look, don’t cry.’ Jake was getting riled and knew his words would hurt. ‘I’m being honest and that’s what you want.’
‘Your honesty is good, my reaction is bad and very immature,’ she said, roughly wiping her eyes. ‘You need to tell me these things so I don’t think romantic thoughts and expect more than what I deserve. I’m not used to relationships and my jealousy thing is very new but not with her. She really is the most beautiful thing though she isn’t a very nice person.’
‘When I was with her she’s always been fine,’ he said, needing to stick up for Gina and his previous choice of woman.
‘Did you talk at all?’ she said, glaring at him. ‘Or was it just fantastic sex?’
‘It was both,’ Jake sharply replied, getting the dig she was making and knowing his was a bit harsher. ‘Maybe you’re the one that’s not very nice to her.’
‘Maybe.’
Hatty continued to eat without looking at him as he immediately lost his appetite knowing she was upset
‘And while we’re talking about honesty, I need to tell you, comments about my father crying over your mother, fucks me off!’ Her eyes darted up and he could see she was on the verge of tears. ‘Your mother was having an affair with a married man while she was pregnant carrying her husband’s child. Whichever way you look at it, my mother was the injured party. Hearing you talk about dad crying over your mother, even today, makes me sick.’ Jake realised he was more wound up about the subject than he realised. ‘You need to get to grips with the reality of it all.’
‘He was upset, that’s reality!’ she sharply replied.
‘Your mother screwed a married man and, even though you have a holier than though attitude against Gina, it doesn’t disguise the fact your mother was no better.’
As soon as Jake said, it he saw the shock on Hatty’s face as she double blinked and put down the fork.
‘Are you saying my mother was a slut?’ she quietly asked and he could see she was angry. ‘Your father’s the one who followed her here and wanted her, while he was married to your mother. It wasn’t the other way round.’
‘Your mother could have told my father she wasn’t interested!’ snapped Jake.
‘How could she when she was!’
‘She married another man!’
‘Only because she couldn’t be with your father and to cover for Carlos.’
‘And what good did that get her after what your father did to her.’
‘What did he do?’ Jake realised he’d said too much as she stared at him blankly. ‘What did my father do to my mother other than run off the day after the wedding?’
‘Dad was screwing your mother and my mother at the same time. The difference being, my mother didn’t know he was cheating and your mother did. Therefore your mother is in the wrong and my mother got hurt in the process!’ he shouted angrily, annoyed with his slip up. she was deep in thought, her dark eyes focussing on him. ‘It seems everyone has forgotten about Jane Logan in this whole shitty situation and she died too! And if what I’m led to believe is true, he was probably screwing Delores within a minute of your mother’s blood going cold then getting into bed with my mum.’
‘What did my father do?’ she persisted.
‘You know what? Gina’s right. You’ve been protected for too long and the thing is, maybe that’s why you’re a little naive when it comes to relationships.’
‘What do you mean?’ Hatty shook her head quickly. ‘You’re not answering me.’
‘You’re jealous about me and Gina and yes, I know you saw us screwing on the beach, but I don’t like the idea you’re telling me not to see her because you know what? It just makes me want her more.’
‘I see,’ Hatty said and he noticed her bottom lip tremble. ‘I can’t stop you doing what you want to do and please will you tell me what you know.’
‘Don’t you stop me from doing what I want to do?’
He was shaking furiously, caught up on his own frustration and anger at himself.
‘No,’ she said, shaking her head from side to side.
‘Since I got back after Christmas, I’ve been here for nearly four weeks, with you, and you still get annoyed when you hear me speaking to Gina. You know I kissed Louisa on the lips? Are you angry about that too?’
‘That’s different and you’re twisting things,’ she said, gulping hard. ‘Are you saying you feel trapped being here with me? I thought you wanted to spend time with-.’
‘Not every day!’ he sharply said, and realised he was venting more than he intended to. ‘I’m young Hatty, I want to have fun. Yes, I came back to be with you and I want to spend as much time as I want to before I start the new job. And I can’t promise you’ll be the last woman I’ll ever sleep with because that’s just a lie!’
‘Okay,’ Hatty said quietly, as her head dropped and Jake realised his little outburst had wounded her. But at that moment he didn’t care. All he could think about was his own feelings, his own anger. ‘I understand.’ She looked up and tears fell down her cheeks. ‘I’m such a cry baby but you’re right about a lot of things. Is that why Gina says I’m made out of hate because my parents did something bad and what did my father do? With all this honesty will you just tell me what it is?’
‘No!’ He took a deep breath knowing she was getting more upset by the second. ‘Sorry Hatty, I
didn’t mean to get angry but-.’
‘You need to tell me what it is you know.’
‘Let’s drop this. I’m sorry for getting annoyed.’
‘Please tell me. You’ve effectively said you and I are not forever and you’ll sleep with other people, you might as well tell me the rest.’
‘Ha Ha, I don’t want to fight,’ he gently said, as she was staring at him.
Jake’s heart was thundering hard in his chest. He saw her hurt and innocent face look pleadingly.
‘You’ve been honest so tell me why I was made from hate. Tell me now.’
Jake stood there and for a moment was stuck on what to do. He closed his eyes and didn’t know how to say it.
‘I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘You have to tell me the rest,’ she sobbed. ‘If you have any respect for me, you’d just tell me what my father did.’
‘He beat and raped your mother on their wedding night. That’s how you were conceived. That’s why Gina says you’re made out of hate.’ As the words came out of his mouth, he saw the pain etched on her face. Hatty stood there, her arms either side of her body and she stared at him. ‘I didn’t want you to know. I shouldn’t have said-.’
‘You have to go,’ she quietly said, gulping hard, tears streaming down her face but she wasn’t crying. ‘You have to go Jake.’
‘I shouldn’t have got angry with you and said what I said. I’m just being a prick.’
‘You need to go,’ Hatty said, once again. ‘Please will you leave me on my own?’
‘We’ve got to talk about this and-.’
‘Jake.’ Hatty stared hard at him. ‘Go to Murray’s tonight and come back in the morning. I need to be alone.’
‘I can’t go now. I know you’re upset and-.’
‘Please?’ she said, starting to sob. ‘I don’t want you to see me cry again, I know it’s annoying for you.’
Hatty closed her eyes tightly and he didn’t know what to do.
‘Fine!’ he angrily replied, walking out of the house and slamming the door behind him, relieved to get away from hearing her sob and the guilt he was feeling about hurting her.
It felt like continuous little stabs in her gut every time he uttered a word that evening. She wanted to hear praise about her cooking, how lovely she looked and how happy he was, but her blunt talking about Gina Glory Glory only backfired.
She didn’t know what to do. Her eyes blurred with tears, she sensibly took away the food, emptying the half-eaten contents into a dustbin bag and clearing all the dishes away, wiping the table and blowing out the candles. Hatty washed up all the pots, pans and dishes, putting every dried item away before she collapsed onto a kitchen chair and started to cry her heart out.
She didn’t know what was worse, knowing he still wanted someone else she hated or that she had been created from a vile single violent act of hate or he was planning to sleep with more women.
Either way she knew she was lost.
‘Created out of hate,’ she sobbed into her hands, realising everyone must know how she was born and why they looked down at her. ‘I’m cursed.’
She ran up to her room and flung open her box of secrets on her life, rummaging around and wanting to cry her heart out when she saw a picture of her happy looking mother sitting on the beach, wondering how scared she must have been on her wedding night.
Then she thought of Jake and cried loudly knowing he wasn’t taking her love seriously and he felt trapped. That’s not what her intentions were and she knew he shouldn’t stay with her if that’s was the case. Hatty went into his room and quickly packed all his things into his case, knowing he shouldn’t be with her especially as she now knew she wasn’t made with love.
She crumbled again and cried knowing it was true what Gina Glory Glory said about her knowing nothing. Hatty felt ashamed and could see why people didn’t like her, saying vicious things. Jake was right, her mother didn’t behave in a lady like manner so she was in an even worse product.
After packing his case, she took it to the hallway downstairs but her phone started ringing. It was Jake. She took a deep breath.
‘Hello,’ she said, wiping her nose on the back of her hand.
‘Ha Ha, are you alright?’ he said softly.
‘Yes.’
‘You know I love you.’
‘You shouldn’t and I’m not worth it. I’m not good enough. It’s a waste of time and effort.’
‘I know you’re upset and-.’
‘You need to get your things and go,’ she said firmly. ‘I’ve packed your bags and I think, for the best, you should go back to New York and enjoy your life. There’s nothing for you here. I don’t want you to have a bad time with me.’ Hatty bit her lips tightly knowing her heart was breaking. ‘I’m not a good person and now I know why.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘You should be having fun not being poisoned by my cooking or the mosquito repellent.’ Hatty broke down in tears. ‘No wonder people say things about me. I’m a bad person. I’m from bad people, really bad people and I’m not good enough for you.’
‘I’m coming-.’
‘I won’t let you in,’ she said quietly. ‘I’ll change the security entrance and you won’t be able to come in. Don’t come back, do you hear me?’
‘This is ridiculous!’ he snapped. ‘Why are you so melodramatic?’
With his comment, she just hung up and cried, knowing he didn’t understand her pain. In one fail swoop, his words had taken away anything good she thought about herself.
Murray glared at his son and couldn’t speak for a moment. He was furious but knew he had to stay calm.
‘Why did you tell her?’ he asked Jake, who stared guiltily at his feet.
‘We were having a disagreement then I got annoyed and it slipped out. I can’t remember and now she’s upset.’ He looked up and Murray could see the genuine hurt on his son’s face. ‘She wants me to go back to New York and leave her alone. My bags are packed and ready to go.’ Jake closed his eyes. ‘Hatty said she’s not good enough for me. I told her she was being melodramatic.’
‘I’m sure that helped,’ said Murray sarcastically, taking a deep breath.
‘What should I do?’
‘Don’t go and see her,’ he replied flatly, wondering what she would do next. ‘When Hatty’s upset she needs time alone to think and she’s in the right place to do it.’
‘I’m not leaving here,’ Jake said defiantly.
‘You might have to if that’s what she wants.’
‘It’s not up to her!’
‘What were you squabbling over?’ Murray asked, knowing it was more than his son was letting on.
‘Hatty gets pissed off when she hears anything about Gina and we were having a heated debate about it. I told Hatty I still find Gina really attractive and I’m not going to promise not to sleep with any other women. I mean, I’m twenty two and I’m telling her the truth.’
‘And it’s okay for Hatty to sleep with other men?’ He saw Jake’s surprised face. ‘She can if she wants because you’re telling her this is just a fling, nothing else.’
‘Hatty wouldn’t, she’s not a woman of the world,’ he said and Murray instantly knew what his son was saying and frowned. ‘She believes in one true love and all that.’
‘Then she’ll fall in love with a man who’ll treat her well and reassures her she’s the most wonderful woman in the world, making her feel secure and loved which is everything you’re not doing. And more importantly, what she craves for.’ Murray stood up quickly as he could see his son was starting to get upset. ‘You’re the one who said you were in love with her and now, you get what you want and you tell her she’s not worth it.’ He started to get angry. ‘What sort of a man are you?’
‘A better one than you!’ Jake shouted back, startling Murray. ‘I’m sick and tired of hearing how much you loved Eloise. What about my mother! What about what she was going through! I told Hatty how I felt about that
too. I was so mad about her romantic notions with you getting upset over something her mother cooked, showing it was love. It’s utter shit!’
‘It might be shit to you but it’s not to me,’ gulped Murray, trying to control his anger.
‘If you loved this Eloise so much, how comes you were screwing Delores?’ he said and something stabbed in Murray’s gut. ‘She wasn’t willing to be with you but Delores was. Did Eloise know you were screwing her best friend behind her back?’
‘Who told you?’
Murray felt his heart pounding fast as he tried to catch his breath.
‘You paid for me to be a journalist and digging around is what I do!’ shouted back his son.
Murray tried to get to grips with this outburst knowing it was about Hatty.
‘I don’t have to justify anything,’ he said, catching his breath and staring hard at his child.
‘What about my mother? She must have been torn you were screwing around with someone else and-.’
‘Your mother knew I wasn’t in love with Eloise when we married. I told her from the very start. She said she didn’t mind but I couldn’t cope. I found Eloise and then she was hurt. The rest you know.
‘What you don’t know is I begged your mother to let me bring Hatty home, so we could bring her up and you know what your democratic, free thinking mother told me? ‘Don’t you dare bring that black bitch’s child into my house!’ I was stunned. I knew she was angry but it wasn’t Hatty’s fault and I was angry, really angry.
‘It was left to me to sort it out and Ethel helped me for the first year as I worked, travelled and tried to keep my marriage going but it was too late. It was all too late.’ He slumped into the chair remembering the pain. ‘I was torn on what to do. I could’ve put Hatty into an orphanage. God knows lots of people wanted her. I had to keep to my word and I did.’
‘Do you love Hatty more than you love me?’ Jake asked as Murray saw the hurt in his son’s eyes. ‘Just tell me.’
‘I love you more than my own life and would kill for you. You’re my flesh and blood and I love you more than anything in the world.’