by S. E. Law
“Are you looking at me?”
“I'm looking at you! What is it?”
“I’ve been saying this to you, but I want you to really hear me this time. You need to get out of your own fucking head, okay? You always do this; you doubt yourself. How pretty you are, how smart you are, whether or not you'll ever succeed, if your parents should have invested so much money in you going to university. I could go on. But you don't need to do all of that because you are worthy of all of the good things in your life. Tammy, babe,” Mamie takes a deep breath right here. She's never been this visibly frustrated with me before, and I feel rather guilty.
“I'm sorry,” I apologize.
“No. Don't apologize. I don't want an apology. I just want you to understand that you are amazing and beautiful and funny and smart, and you deserved to be loved and to be in this amazing relationship with this amazing guy who fucking adores you. And if he hasn't told you already, I am sure Brick loves you. No one goes to that much trouble for someone they don’t care about. This man has been doing some of the most insane shit in an effort to impress you. Like goddamn!” Mamie pushes her hair from her face. A few tendrils had fallen due to the passion with which she was emphasizing her point.
And she’s right. She has told me time and time again how great she thinks I am. I always say thank you, but her words have never been absorbed into my psyche. I always took it as my best friend hyping me up, but thinking about what she has told me, Mamie does make a lot of sense. That’s kind of how our friendship works. We always have more clarity regarding each other’s lives versus our own.
“He actually already told me,” I admit.
“Told you what?”
“That he loves me. Brick said he loved me during the fight with my parents.” His admission was fast and had almost been lost among all of the yelling, but I’d heard it. The fact that he said it has never been addressed, though.
“See!” Mamie throws up her hands. “He’s said it; he’s shown it. What else can this man do to prove that he wants to be with you? Is there something missing that I’m not seeing?”
“I don’t know, Mamie. I just don’t know.” The underlying factor doesn’t seem to be Brick. I think I’m the problem, but I’m too chicken shit to admit it out loud. I’ve hinted at it but have yet to get to the core of it.
“You know what? Maybe we all should get some rest. You’ve had a rough week, and sleep would really help your mind reset. I mean, this time last week you were happy about where things were going with Brick. You need to remember that.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll get some rest – some real rest – and then I’ll go and talk with Brick.”
“Exactly! Talk to him. You said you were going to, but I’m guessing that conversation never happened.”
“It didn’t,” I shake my head, admitting my failure. My plan had been to have a serious talk the night my parents found us. That had quickly flown out the window, but it is now time to revisit that idea. “But I’ll make sure it happens this time.”
“Good. I’m going to hold you to that,” Mamie points her finger in my face. I know she is completely serious about making me accountable. But she wouldn't be pushing me so hard if she didn't care. “Do you want to share my bed tonight, or would you rather use the futon? I am cool with whichever option you pick.”
“Can I share with you tonight?”
“Of course, babe. Now let’s watch some trashy reality TV and eat junk food and forget about all of our troubles for a little bit.” I nod because I completely agree with Mamie. Bad food and bad TV sound like the perfect way to spend our day. After seven days of stewing in nothing but my feelings, turning off my brain to enjoy some of the simpler things life has to offer is ideal.
While she takes out her phone to pour over delivery apps, my cell buzzes. I turn it on and see a text from Brick.
Do you know what time you’ll be back?
I stare at my screen, thinking about how to respond. I knew the longer I stayed with Mamie, the more likely Brick was to contact me. At least it's a pretty innocuous text, but the desire for a confrontation is there.
Brick probably wants to talk. He seemed to be in a conversational mood before I left. That’s what had me worried. I have no idea what he was going to say, and I'm not sure I want to hear it because once he says it, there’s not going back. Not knowing whether or not he wants me is better than knowing he doesn’t want me. One thing I know for sure is that I will be devastated if Brick's feelings do not match my own.
I know all of this uncertainty is a dumb way to live, but it’s where I’ve been for a while now. I will have this very tough conversation with Brick. Avoiding it is childish and stupid, and all avoidance does is cause me more heartache. It’s time to be a big girl and face the music.
Tomorrow.
I’ll take care of all of this tomorrow, after spending a rejuvenating day and night with my best friend. Being in the right frame of mind is tantamount to doing all of this healthily.
Having this planned out actually makes me feel better. It's the first course of action I've had in days. And Brick did say he loves me. He could have changed his mind after seeing me at my worst, but I'm going to approach him warily but positively.
I text Brick back, letting him know where I’ll be and that I’ll see him tomorrow. Since tonight is all about the girls, I don't need to see his reply. For good measure, and to keep Brick from worrying about me, I send a second text letting him know that I won't be by my phone.
After that, I put my phone aside so that I won't be tempted to look at it again. Then I join in with Mamie on deciding where we’re about to order our dinner from.
“I know I said I wanted Chinese a week ago, but I never got around to ordering it. Do you want Chinese food?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Yes! If you don't want it, we'll order my food from this place, and you can get whatever you want.”
“I'll just get whatever you're having.”
“Okay, I'm going to go order a shit ton of food. And when I say a shit ton, I am not exaggerating. Get ready to eat, babe!” Mamie squirrels herself off in the corner of the couch to order our feast.
I locate the remote and find a channel that’s playing some reality show. It looks like one of those housewives shows that Mamie is obsessed with. I stop channel surfing and settle on this show.
I'm sure that after today, I'll be ready to face Brick. There are quite a few things I need to talk to him about. Some of it I haven’t even revealed to Mamie. Hopefully, what I have to say won’t over complicate things.
But tomorrow. I just need one more day before dropping a whole lot of truth bombs.
23
Brick
Tammy immediately bounced after our very fun time in the shower. Not what I expected, but I guess she needed some space. All I know is that she went to get that space at Mamie's apartment. I don't have any problem with that. It's just that we haven't talked since all of the chaos at her parent's house, and the minute Tammy seemed to snap out of her funk, she left for Mamie's.
I'm not sure if she's upset with me, but it's hard for my mind not to think that. I mean, why else would she leave with such urgency?
After she left, I opened my laptop and got to work. There are always emails for me to answer, so I don't have a shortage of things to keep me busy.
Several hours pass, and I begin to wonder when Tammy will be back. She hasn't texted or called. I was hoping to have a conversation concerning our next steps. Initially, I thought we would automatically be on the same page, but now, I'm not so sure.
I take out my cell to send Tammy a quick text. At first, I tell her we need to talk, but that might scare her. So I amend my text, only asking when she'll be home.
It doesn't take long for Tammy to get back to me.
Spending the night with Mamie. I'll see you tomorrow.
Not what I was hoping for, but there's nothing I can do about it. My phone buzzes with another text from Tam
my only a few seconds later.
Won't be on my phone much tonight.
There's the final nail in the coffin. That's her way of telling me not to expect us to talk or text.
I was mainly waiting at home for Tammy’s return, but if she's not coming back until tomorrow, then there's no reason for me to stay here. The day isn't quite over yet, so I'll go to the office. I haven't been in since the meeting with Robert. Dropping in isn't a bad idea. Robert and Nancy have been keeping me informed about everything I need to know, but being at the office physically is better.
I gather what I need and head to the office.
Upon arriving at the floor of my office, I find Nancy and Robert conversing over her desk. They both look up as I get closer.
“Brick,” they say in unison.
“Yes?”
Robert fully stands up, but Nancy stays seated at her computer.
“Nothing, we just weren’t expecting to see you today.”
“I know, but I thought it was about time I got back to work. Been gone long enough.” Nancy and Robert give each other a look before turning back to me.
“Yeah, of course. Makes sense.” Nancy nods in agreement but continues to remain quiet. Something feels off, but I head to my office instead of questioning it.
“I’m going to get to work. If you need me, I’ll be in my office,” I tell the pair of them before closing my door. I have a feeling that Nancy knows more about my situation now than I initially told her. I don’t mind if Robert let her know what was going on. He doesn’t know the full scope either, so whatever I told him was fine to pass along. Nancy’s been with us long enough that I trust her.
At the same time, it feels a bit weird that they’ve been discussing my personal life. Either way, it’s a conversation I do not want to have with them.
There’s a stack of folders and files on my desk. Nancy emailed me what she could, but I also asked her to print out certain things. So that is what I’m walking into.
I put my bag down, take my jacket off, and sit down at my desk.
“Time to get started,” I say to myself, taking the first folder from the stack.
After a few hours, there is a knock at my door. Robert enters a few seconds later, looking curious.
“Have you been holed up in your office all day?”
“Yeah, I had a lot of work to do,” I reply while putting aside a script I had just finished.
“No, that's not it. You always do this when you're really frustrated about something.”
“I'm fine, Robert. I just wanted to focus.”
“Okay,” he throws up his hands, dropping the subject. But I can tell he has more questions.
I wait for Robert to leave, but he stays in my office like he's expecting something.
“What is it, Robert?”
“You should come out with me and Nancy tonight. We’re going to this bar close by—”
“Wait,” I cut him off, “you and Nancy are going to a bar?” I’m completely caught off guard by this.
“Uh, yeah. One of the local ones to blow off some steam. And you should join us. Clearly, you need to relax.”
“Why are you and Nancy going to a bar?” I heard Robert asking me to go with them, but I'm hyperfocused on the fact that they were planning on hanging out together. Alone! It's obvious the invitation being extended to me was a spur-of-the-moment decision.
“We're going because we want to check it out. Are you okay?” Robert has to see how strange this is. I mean, we've worked with Nancy for years, and while I do like her very much, we've never hung out together outside of work.
I guess I'm confused, but that's not a reason to say no. The reason to say no is that I'd rather go home.
"I'm fine, but I'm not sure I should go with you guys. I planned on heading straight home after this.”
"Oh, right. How are things with Tammy? You guys have plans tonight?”
"Things are fine, and no, we don't have plans. Tammy is spending the night with her friend. I was just going home.”
“Wait a second,” Robert holds up his hand, the signal for me to wait for him to state his piece. "So your girlfriend is not home, and you still don't want to come get a drink with me? Is it because Nancy's coming? I promise, it's not weird.”
"It's not Nancy, and it is weird," I let Robert know. "I don't know, man.” I can't think of an excuse that isn't whiny, so I fold. "Fine, I'll go with you guys. You're going right after work?”
"Yep," Robert smiles. "I'll text you the address. We'll all meet there.” And with that, my friend leaves my office. Dammit! What have I gotten myself into.
I arrive at the bar. Nancy and Robert are already seated and have their drinks ordered.
"Brick! We're over here!” Nancy yells out, waving me over. I nod in their direction and then head over.
"Hey, guys. I'm not sure how long I can stay," I tell them while sitting down. Nancy and Robert exchange a look before Robert pushes a drink in my direction.
"Okay, Brick. Why don't you start with this and we’ll see what happens?" It looks like a Scotch and soda, my usual mixed drink.
"Fine. Thanks for the drink.” I pick it up, offering a faux toast before downing the whole glass. Nancy looks at me sideways while taking a long sip on her straw. Robert orders the table more drinks, and now there are two more drinks in front of me. I had a very different image of how tonight was going to go, but nothing that I've wanted has happened so far.
I might as well say fuck it at this point. Picking up my two new drinks, I down them one after the other and then get us the next round.
Let's do this.
I don’t know how much time has passed, but I have put a lot of alcohol in my body. We just kept getting more and more drinks; I didn’t pay attention to how many.
But I can definitely feel the effects of the alcohol now.
“Have you had enough?” Robert asks me. He seems to have his wits about him. I’m starting to wonder if this was some kind of plan he and Nancy put together.
“I’m fine. In fact, I could have another.” I start to order another, in fact, but after thinking about it, I decide that maybe I should slow down and get something into my stomach. “But I’m going to get something to eat instead.” This is the type of bar with a wait staff, so I order some greasy food off the menu and take a sip of water.
“So, tell us what’s going on.”
“Going on where?”
“At home. With your girlfriend, Tammy. The reason you’ve been out of the office for a week.”
I look at my friend. He did do this on purpose. Whenever I drink too much, my lips get a little loose. I’ve never let anything of import slip, but it’s easier to pry information out of me if you know the right buttons to push.
“Well, not much is going on with her. She’s somewhere else tonight.”
“We know that, Brick. But what else is going on?” Nancy asks a bit slyly.
“I don’t know,” I shrug, exaggerating the gesture. “Tammy’s not talking to me. She spent the entire week in bed, and the second she gets out of it, she goes off for a sleepover at her friend’s house. So I don’t know,” I admit.
Nancy and Robert look at me with some concern, and I almost immediately regret saying anything.
I sigh, pushing the hair that has fallen into my face back.
“It’s not that big of a deal, guys. I shouldn’t have said anything.” I need to get my ass home, take a long hot shower, and then get some sleep. “I think I’m going to–”
“No, no, no. Stay.” Nancy holds her hands up, willing me to stop. “We’re going to talk about this, Brick. Robert told me about you and Tammy and a little bit of what’s going on. I mean, this is a big deal. In all the years I’ve worked for you, you’ve never taken a week off for a woman! There was that one time with your mother, but never for something like this. What’s happening here is a big deal and needs to be discussed.”
“I agree with Nancy,” Robert adds.
I look
at these two people who have essentially strong-armed me into hanging out with them, and now they’re refusing to let me leave unless I bare my soul.
Or at the very least, talk about my relationship problems. Which I have never done before. Why would I? Like Nancy said, I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
“Fine. What do I say?” I don’t even know how people do this.
Nancy looks at me like I’m an idiot. Regarding something like this, she wouldn’t be wrong.
“Tell us about what’s going on with you two. Like why she was in bed for a week,” Nancy pushes. “And was she literally in bed for a week? Did she not get up at all?”
“She got up occasionally but rarely. And we didn’t talk about the why, but I’m assuming it has to do with what happened with her parents.”
“George Thompson, right? One of our editors. Or used to be. He hasn’t been at work in a week. I’m guessing it has something to do with you and Tammy.”
“You’re rather perceptive, Nancy.”
“I’ve been working for you for over ten years, Brick. If I haven’t started picking up on certain cues by now, that would be a problem.”
Nancy is the best there is. She does so much around the office. There’s a very high chance our company would start falling apart if we suddenly didn’t have her anymore.
“And to answer your question, yes. The woman I’m dating is George Thompson’s daughter. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months, and last week, her parents found out. They did not take it well. Harsh words were said, and then Tammy came to stay with me, but our relationship feels different now. It is different. We’re living together now, I guess.”
I hadn’t really thought about how quickly this has all gone down. Tammy and I only reacquainted a few months ago, and now she’s living with me.
“Wow, that’s fast,” Nancy comments as if she has read my mind. Robert nods in agreement.
“I was surprised to hear it myself,” he adds.