by Hannah Gray
It gets to be too much, and everything begins to spin. Sitting back down in the chair, I look at the man who used to be my best friend. Who became paralyzed from the waist down at the age of eighteen, all because Abby and I had gotten into a fight and she drove her car, crying hysterically.
“We don’t know that. I could have played two years and hated it. Or failed out of school. Or gotten injured and been out.” Coming over next to the chair, he puts his hand on my shoulder. “We don’t know what the fuck would have happened. But I’m sure of one thing.”
I look up at him, waiting for him to answer. When he doesn’t, I quietly say, “What’s that?”
“I’m happy right where I am.” He smiles, nodding his head toward the garage. “I love owning this shop. And you know what else?”
“What?”
“My wife and I”—he smiles—“are having a baby.”
“What? Really? That’s fucking awesome, Ty. I didn’t know you were married.”
My parents, I’m sure, heard he was married. But they know not to talk about him in front of me. It would always just make things worse. I also had no idea he could still have children, given his condition. So, that’s incredible.
He grins proudly. “Just found out this morning. So, don’t go around telling anybody.” He slaps my shoulder. “Looks like my day turned out pretty darn good, ol’ boy, huh?”
Wiping my eyes, prepared for him to call me a pussy, I nod. “I guess it did.”
Leaning his forehead closer to mine, he nods slowly. “I need you to do something for me, buddy.”
“Anything, brother,” I say and mean it.
“I need you to stop carrying around this burden. It’s not your burden to carry.”
A lump forms in my throat. “How can you say it’s not my burden?” Putting my knuckles to my mouth, I try to stop my emotions from spilling out. “I’m the reason why she left that party. That’s on me, Tyler.”
“You had a normal fight. You were upset. You didn’t tell her to get in that car and drive ninety miles an hour.”
“But she did,” I cry out. “And she fucking—” I stop, unable to say it. “She fucking hit you head-on,” I whisper. “You were headed to a party I’d told you to come to. And now …” I shake my head. “Now, you’re in a wheelchair. And she’s dead.” I cry into my hands. “She’s fucking dead.”
His eyes hold mine for a moment before he nods. “Yes, she is. And, yes, I am in a wheelchair. But that’s life, Lane. These awful, tragic, fucking horrendous things happen. You didn’t push her to drive upset. If you had known how she’d react, you would have never done it,” he says, gripping my shoulder. “You didn’t do this, Lane. It was just a lot of unfortunate events.”
I don’t speak. Just cry like a bitch. I’m well aware anyone could poke their head in this room and see me. But honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck.
“Thank you for coming here today. It means a lot,” he says.
I nod. “Sorry it took me so long.”
“It doesn’t matter if it was four years or twenty years. What matters is that you came here at all.”
Coming here today, I didn’t know if he was going to punch me or hug me. I was expecting more of a punch than anything. The last time I had seen Tyler, he’d told me it was my fault that his dreams of playing professional football were trashed and that he hated me.
I wouldn’t have blamed him if he still felt that way, but I’m glad that he doesn’t. I know I have one more place to go to make things right. And this next one, I’m dreading way more than I was coming here. This next stop will either help me heal … or send me into a spiral.
I guess it’s time to find out.
Holding my fist up to the door, I hesitate for a few moments before finally knocking.
Nobody comes to the door, and the more seconds that go on, the more anxious I become. I knock once more, but still, nothing.
After a failed third attempt, I figure nobody is home. I will need to come back later today because our flight is too early in the morning to come tomorrow. And I need to do this before I go back to NEU.
I’m halfway back to my truck when I hear a voice say, “Lane?”
I know without even turning that it’s Abby’s father.
Slowly turning, I look at him. “Mr. Leland.”
He looks around the yard, as if looking if anyone came here with me. He probably thought I was too much of a coward to come here at all, let alone by myself.
“What are—what are you doing here, son?”
“I just needed to tell you that I was sorry.” I pause.
“You told us that years ago, Lane. And we did get your letters,” he answers.
Up until a few years ago, I would write to them monthly. It was never anything too long. But I just wanted them to know that I was and always would be sorry. They never answered the letters, and I never expected them to either.
“I know. I just, uh, well, I needed to make sure that you knew,” I say, nervously stuffing my hands into my pockets.
His wife appears next to him. She offers me a warm smile, but I can tell it’s different than the smile she wore before her daughter was taken from this world. “Hello, Lane. Nice to see you.”
I hold my hand up. “Hi, Mrs. Leland.”
“We heard about your father. I’m so sorry,” she says apologetically.
Rubbing my hand across my forehead, I nod. “Uh, thanks, but he’s going to be all right now.”
Her eyebrows scrunch together. “I thought he had ALS.”
“Well, he did. Or, uh, they thought he did. Turns out, he has another disease. Something that isn’t nearly as aggressive.”
They both still look confused, not that I can blame them.
“So, he’ll be all right then?” Mr. Leland asks.
Offering them a small smile, I nod. “He will. With treatment and a future surgery, he should be all right. He will have struggles, but it’s much better than the misdiagnosis.”
“We’re happy for your family, Lane,” she says, and it’s like a fucking dagger in the heart.
My dad’s going to be all right. And her daughter is gone. And she’s happy for my family. Which somehow makes me feel even worse.
I don’t speak. Just nod and try to keep myself together.
Touching her husband’s shoulder, she gives me a slight smile before approaching me. “Lane?”
“Yeah?”
“I know that my husband was hard on you back then.” A sad laugh escapes her. “Even before Abby was gone.” Reaching out, her palm connects with my cheek. “But we don’t blame you for anything. We hope you know that.”
When Abby died, Mr. Leland made it clear that it was my fault. He told me he knew I was no good.
She must read my mind because she says softly, “I know that when she died, we blamed you.” Pulling her hand away from me, she wipes her eyes. “We needed someone to blame. We were so, so angry.” When she looks back at her husband, he walks toward her, resting his hand on her back. “But she chose to drive while she was upset. You didn’t force her behind that wheel.”
I snap, “But if I hadn’t yelled at her, if I hadn’t told her it was over, she wouldn’t have been upset. And she would have never driven home.” Saying the words out loud make me sick. I’m a monster.
“And if I hadn’t told you to break it off with her, putting a wedge between the two of you, you would have never been fighting to begin with,” Mr. Leland says the words with so much shame.
“I’m still sorry. I’d give anything to take it back,” I tell them both honestly.
“We know.” She hugs me. “But we can’t. All you can do now is live.”
On the ride home, I replay the entire night in my head over and over. Just as I have countless times before.
I went to her house to pick her up, but she was still getting ready. Her father pulled me outside. He told me that she was going to college on the opposite side of the country. He said she had known for weeks but not t
old me yet. He told me all I would ever do was drag her down in life and clip her wings. Wings that were meant for so much more than me. He didn’t believe that I’d ever be in the NFL. Hell, he didn’t think I’d make it through college.
At that party, I was pissed, and I started drinking. I overheard Abby talking to her friends about college, and I lost my shit. All of the insecurities her father had instilled in me came out, and I broke up with her.
Without me or anyone else knowing, Abby got in her best friend’s car, and she took off. Someone got the call that Abby had hit a truck driving toward her … but not just anyone’s truck. Tyler’s truck.
I ran so fast to get to them, to try to save them. I ran so fast, but I was still too late.
And I’ve been running my whole life ever since.
fifty
Memphis
“You girls look beautiful.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Soon-to-Be Kade. But you are the one looking like a damn snack today,” Ava jokes back.
My heart aches for Ava. Not having either parent here must be so hard. Her dad has never been in her life. And her mom? Well, she has chosen drugs over Ava time and time again.
John proposed to my mom a few days ago, and I couldn’t be more excited. Of course, it had to come during my time of nursing my first broken heart.
We all pile into my mom’s SUV and head toward the auditorium for the graduation ceremony.
John went to Trent’s house and will be meeting us there. It’s sort of cool that Trent and I are both graduating today, so John and my mom both get to celebrate their children’s big day.
As I stare out the window and listen to the background noise of the endless chatter between my mom and Ava, my mind goes back to the place it always seems to find.
Lane.
Today, he’s graduating too. Though I’m not sure if he will be participating in the ceremony with his dad being ill. A big part of me hopes he isn’t here today. I don’t think my heart could take seeing him, knowing I couldn’t run over and jump into his arms. But a small part of me is also dying to see his face. I think maybe if I do, it’ll help heal me in some weird way. But I’m sure that’s a load of crap.
My mom and John never found out about Lane and me. I texted Trent the night we ended things and pleaded that he keep it a secret. He said he wouldn’t say anything. And it turns out, he’s kept his word.
“You ladies ready? You’d better go in. We’ll be looking for you!” my mom says, pulling up to the front door of the college auditorium and hitting the unlock button.
“Let’s do this!” Ava yells with a fist pump.
Today is an important day. Today is a day I’ve waited for my entire life. A long time ago, I set out on a journey to become a teacher, and after this ceremony, I’ll be that much closer to achieving it.
So, why doesn’t it feel half as fulfilling as I pictured it?
Lane
This ceremony is never going to end. The only exciting part was when they called Memphis’s name and I got to watch her walk up and get her diploma. Though with that huge-ass graduation gown on, I couldn’t see her perfect ass. Her long, dark hair was curled and falling down her back.
Oh, and when the dickhead guy, Colton, who happened to student-teach in the same school as her, fell while walking up to get his diploma. That shit was funny. That’s what he gets for trying to dance with my girl.
When they give the command to start filing out, I am fucking ecstatic. A man of my size is not meant to sit in a shitty folding chair for three hours.
I spot Trent. Walking over to him, I tip my chin. “You ever hear from Mase?”
Mason went to lunch with his dad and never came back to get ready for the ceremony. We tried calling him, but the asshole wouldn’t answer.
“Nope,” he says and clenches his jaw. “I don’t fucking get it. Where is he?”
I shrug. “Hard to tell with Mason.”
His head shakes slowly as his eyebrows pull together. “No, he doesn’t usually pull this type of shit. You do.”
“Thanks,” I answer sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“Hey, did you or did you not used to go on benders and keep me up all night, wondering where the fuck you were?” he huffs. “I’m actually surprised I don’t have gray hair from you, fucker.”
I laugh and lightly punch him in the stomach. “Piss off. I’m trying to be better.”
“Hey, boys, you ready to head back to the house?” John, Trent’s dad, appears at his side.
“Oh, my parents are actually in town. I don’t want to interrupt you guys’ plans at the house. We can go somewhere else,” I suggest.
“Nonsense. Let’s go back to the house and all order pizza,” says Mr. Kade.
I shrug. “All right.”
I look around. I don’t see Carla, Memphis’s mom and John’s fiancée, anywhere. So, maybe she and Memphis have their own plans. I hope anyway. There’s no way in hell I could be in the same room with Memphis without taking her into my bedroom and showing her how much I’ve missed her.
Just the thought of that makes me need to adjust myself. Goddamn, I miss that girl.
Trent must know what I’m thinking because he nudges me. “You know that she’ll probably be there, right?”
“Figures,” I mutter.
“It’ll be all right. Grow a set and tell her you’re sorry.”
I have to all but pick my jaw up off the ground because he’s actually encouraging me to patch things up.
“I have more emotional baggage than 2007 Britney did.” I laugh. “She’d be wise to stay away.”
“Who the fuck is Britney?” Trent asks, confused.
“Dude. Did you live under a rock?” I shake my head. “Britney fucking Spears.”
He shrugs. “Well, what the fuck does that have to do with 2007?”
“She shaved—” I start to say and then shake my head. “Never mind. The point is, I’m fucked up in the head.”
He stops in his tracks and looks me dead in the eyes. “We all are.”
And I can’t even respond because … he’s right. Everyone has their own personal shit they carry. Not just me. Memphis too. And here I’ve been, making everything about me.
Way to fuck up again, Lane.
fifty-one
Memphis
“These are so good,” Ava basically moans, shoving another slider in her mouth.
Picking at mine, I don’t share the same enthusiasm. Sure, they are good. They should be, as my mother and John hired a fancy caterer for this surprise graduation party they’re hosting for us. I should have known we weren’t just coming back here to have pizza.
Honestly, nothing has really seemed appetizing to me this past week. I’m officially one of the pathetic girls who treat a broken heart like a loved one has died. Gross. I need to get it together and be the strong, badass bitch I know I am.
“Heads-up. Heads-up. Heads-motherfucking-up,” Ava attempts to whisper.
But I’m sure half of the damn party can hear her.
“Where?” I ask. My stomach suddenly in my throat.
“One o’clock. No, wait, two o’clock. No, I don’t think that’s right.”
“Ava, just say where in the house,” I growl.
“Oh, right. That would be easier, huh? Um”—she glances behind me—“front door.”
“Awesome,” I mutter. “Just what I want to deal with today.”
She grimaces. “Not to make it worse, but … it looks like his entire family is here too.”
“Uh … kill me now. Please.”
She hip-checks me. “You know, I’m usually the dramatic one.”
“Well, I guess you’re rubbing off on me then.”
Trent makes his way over to us, a worrisome expression on his face. “Sorry. I didn’t know our parents planned this.” He scratches the top of his head. “I would have told them to do it separately if I had known.”
I don’t know if he’s concerned for me or for Lane. If I had to take a gues
s, it’s the latter. I know Lane means the world to him. As does Mason. Speaking of which, I don’t see him here, which is strange.
I shrug and take a sip of my Coke. “It’s fine. You guys are best friends, and our parents are getting married. I suppose I’d better get used to seeing him sometimes, right?” I try to give him a reassuring smile. “No better time than the present.”
He watches me carefully for a moment. I prepare myself for some snide remark.
He blows me away when he drops his voice down. “He cares about you, Memphis. And he’s been through too fucking much already. Please, don’t hurt him. He can’t take it.” He glances at Ava and then struts away.
“Dude,” Ava gasps. “First of all, he’s so freaking hot. Second of all, he thinks you are going to hurt Lane. Not the other way around.”
“And?” I say, annoyed.
“That should show how much Lane cares. Even Trent freaking Kade can see it.”
“Eh, whatever.”
I glance in his direction, and our eyes meet. For a split second, I see and hear nothing else. The only thing I’m aware of is him.
But when my mom stands in front of me, I’m snapped back to the reality that over a week ago, we broke up. And we broke up for a reason.
Lane
My God, she’s beautiful.
It’s not hard to see she carries her own pain around, just like me. In some romantic yet tortured way, I feel like our souls speak to each other because of the heartbreak we’ve both lived through.. Maybe that’s from this lifetime or perhaps another. All I know is, our souls are one in the same. I feel it inside of me whenever she’s near. I am in her, and she is in me. But maybe that isn’t enough.
I don’t even hide that I can’t keep my eyes off of her. It would be useful to even attempt it. She’s caught me a few times, and I see the look in her eyes when she feels my eyes on her. She looks away before it goes too far. We both know if we let it go on long enough, we’d be upstairs in my bedroom not long after. And no one could judge us because there isn’t a thing she and I can do to help it.