by Hannah Gray
“So, that’s what’s been on your mind lately?”
I turn to see my dad next to me, grinning.
“Or I should say, who.”
Taking a drink of my water, I shrug. “Maybe. But it doesn’t matter.”
“And why doesn’t it matter?” he questions.
“Because I hurt her. And I know I’ll do it again.”
My dad frowns. “How do you know? Do you have a crystal ball?”
“No. But it’s inside of me. I fuck stuff up. Look what I did before. And then I lost her.” I recall the look on Memphis’s face as she told me to leave. It was then that I realized, I had done it. I had pushed her away and lost her.
“Don’t be so sure, son. You’ve made amends with a lot of ghosts in your past these past few days. I think you’re a new man.” He nudges me. “And the right woman can make a man.”
“Like you and Ma?” I joke.
“Damn straight.” His eyes find my mom across the room. “Speaking of your mom, I’m supposed to be getting her a drink.” He starts to walk off but stops. “I got my second chance. Now, tell me, son, what are you going to do with yours? Please tell me you’ll make it something good.”
I hope so, Dad.
fifty-two
Memphis
“That was so sweet of your mom and John to throw that surprise party,” Ava says as we walk inside our apartment after the party is over.
I nod. “It really was.”
“Hey.” Grabbing my hand, she gives me a worried look. “I know it was hard for you to see Lane. If you need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Aves.” A monstrous yawn escapes me. “For now, I’m going to go to bed. I’m wiped.”
Hearing my yawn makes her yawn too. “Me too. Too many margs tonight.” She giggles.
I haven’t drunk anything since that one and only time I did. I tried it. It wasn’t my thing. No big deal.
A knock at the door startles me. I go into Ava’s room to see if she’s expecting anyone and forgot, only to find her snoring softly. The margs always have that effect on her. Chuckling to myself, I make my way to the door.
I’ve almost reached it when they knock again.
“Just a second,” I call.
Yanking it open, I find none other than Lane Rivers standing before me.
Lane
“Hi. Sorry it’s so late,” I apologize to Memphis. Hoping I didn’t wake her.
She leans against the door, her eyes narrowing. “Why are you here, Lane?”
“Because I’ve finally figured it out. That’s why.”
Confusion crosses her face. “Figured what out?”
I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing. “That I love you. I always have.”
“That isn’t what you said last time we saw each other,” she mutters.
Stepping forward, I cup her cheeks. Looking into her baby-blue eyes, I smile. “I know that. I was mad. And sometimes, when I’m mad, I say shit that, later, I don’t even remember saying.”
Looking into her eyes, I can see how much pain I have caused this girl. Since our fight over a week ago, she somehow looks thinner and frailer. And that’s my fault.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead, I pull back and look into her eyes. “I’m so in love with you that I can’t fucking think straight.”
Tears fill her eyes. “Your words hurt people, Lane. Your words hurt me.”
“I know they did, baby. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. But I’ll spend forever making it right. If you’ll let me.”
Her eyes go to my lips. Sighing, she leans into me slightly. Bringing her mouth to mine, I devour her.
Scooping her up, I walk into the bedroom, gently setting her on the bed. She eagerly pulls her shirt off. And then her pants. Then, she wastes no time in unbuttoning my jeans and attempts to pull them down.
Standing up, I pull them down as fast as I can, followed by taking off my shirt.
Looking down, I find her on the bed, completely naked. Bare and ready for me and only me. It’s only been a little over a week since I’ve had her, and I’m so turned on right now that I can’t even see straight.
Lying on her back, completely exposed, she bites her bottom lip. “Lane, please.”
“Only if you say you’re mine,” I say, running my hand up her bare creamy legs until I reach her inner thigh. “I need to hear you say it.” I continue moving my hand up until I reach my destination.
Her back arches at my touch. But she doesn’t speak. Just looks at me with hunger in her eyes. A hunger for what only I can give to her.
“Please, Lane. You’ve kept me waiting for too damn long.”
“Say it. Say it, and I’ll give you what you need.”
“I’m yours,” she pants. “I’ve always been yours.”
It’s not enough. I need more. I need to know she’ll always be here.
“Say you’ll always be mine, Memphis.”
“Always,” she whispers, gazing up at me.
“Good girl.”
Grabbing a condom out of her nightstand, I tear it open and roll it over myself.
Leaning down, I push myself between her legs. Oh, how fucking much I missed this. She feels so good.
A moan escapes her as her hands find my back, and she digs her nails into me.
I move harder and faster, and her moans along with her nails only grow more intense.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much,” I growl. “Do you know that?”
She nods once. Beautiful eyes gaze up at me, anchoring me to her.
Knowing we’re both close, I lean down and kiss her.
“I love you,” I say against her neck.
Wrapping her arms around me, she squeezes me tightly against her.
For a moment, it’s like we move as one. Completely becoming a unit.
Tears stream down her cheeks. “I love you, Lane. I love you so damn much.” The last words leave her lips as she comes unraveled beneath me.
She’s so damn precious to me. She holds my future in the palm of her hand. And I don’t even think she realizes it.
Memphis
He’s here. And he’s saying all the right things and doing everything perfect. And none of it matters. Not a single thing.
I finish throwing my clothes on, glancing at myself in the mirror. Disheveled hair, clear eyes, and a glow in my cheeks that hasn’t been there for days. And once again, it doesn’t matter.
Coming out of the bathroom and back into my room, I see him sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed.
When he glances up at me, his shoulders sag. “Just say what you need to, Memphis. I can read you like a book. I know you’re about to do something that I am going to beg you not to.”
As I lean against the doorframe, my heart sinks in my chest. “How did you know?” I ask.
“Because after we finished, you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.” He grimaces. “Can you not forgive me? Tell me what it is.” Standing up, he walks in front of me. “Because I fucking know, Memphis, that it isn’t because of a lack of love. I know you love me.” He shakes his head. “You love me so damn much.”
I stare blankly at this beautiful man standing before me. Unable to look him in the eyes. What if he doesn’t understand? “I love you more than I’ve loved anyone, Lane.”
“Then, what is it?” he pleads.
“You aren’t ready to give me what I need. Not yet anyway.” A tear escapes my eye, rolling down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. “And I’m not ready to lose myself, trying to be every single thing that you need.”
“I am ready. You just have to let me show you.”
Without warning, my entire body feels exhausted. “I’m sure most of that is true, Lane.” Wiping my nose, I can barely look him in the eyes. “But you aren’t ready. You need to love and forgive yourself before you can be there for me too.”
I knew this was how this would go before we even slept together tonight. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I needed him as mu
ch as he needed me. We both did. I’d been walking around, feeling dead, for over a week, and I wanted to come alive again for a short time.
“So, what? You’re giving up on us? On me?” he says, glaring at me.
Shaking my head back and forth, I grab his hands. “No! Not at all. I love you, Lane. That will never change.” I uselessly wipe the tears that now won’t stop flowing. “I’ll wait for you. I will. There is no one else that I want.”
Moving my hands to his forearms and up to his shoulders, I look him in the eyes. Seeing years of hurt and shame.
“But when you come for me, I need you to have found yourself. I need you to forgive things in your past. I need you to do that for me.” Standing on my tiptoes, I press a kiss to his lips, though he doesn’t respond. “Do you understand?”
In my mind, of course I’m scared he’ll find someone else and move on. Or change his mind about me. But in my heart, I know he needs time on his own to heal. He’s learned how to love another human again, and now, he needs to learn to love himself.
“No,” he growls, taking a few steps back. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. But I won’t give up. You are my future, you are my world, and one day, you will be my wife. You’ll see.”
I cry so hard that my chest hurts. “I hope so,” I say, my voice breaking.
Letting him go right now is the most selfless thing I have ever done. I’d love nothing more than to dive in headfirst with him. I know I’ll miss him so much. But what’s that saying? That extremely corny saying? Oh yeah … if you love something, set it free. Well, I believe with everything I have that one day, he will return to me. And when he does, then and only then will he be mine to keep.
As I watch him leave, a part of me breaks. I know that is because I feel like I’m giving up on him. But that’s not it. I feel like our love grew so strong, so fast, and mentally, he’s not ready for it. He’s still that haunted boy, and I need him to heal.
Not for himself. But for me. I just hope he sees it that way.
fifty-three
Lane
Four Weeks Later
I drive home to my new place. It’s nice. It’s right on a sandy white beach. Except right now, it’s summertime in Florida, and it’s fucking hot. I’m talking like, you feel like you’re one of those nuts in the warmer at a gas station. Roasted nuts, I think they are called. Horrible comparison. But today, at practice, that’s exactly how it felt.
I like the team so far. I’ve only met them for the off-season practices that we’ve had, but everyone gets along good. It’s weird, not having the coach I had the past four years. And it’s really fucking strange to not have Mason and Trent here. But they seem happy where they are.
As much as I sometimes hate change, it’s all part of life. We outgrow certain stages and go on to the next. I’m trying to look at the brighter side of things.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that Memphis is the one for me. I’ll spend the rest of my life making that girl happy. Once she lets me back in. I know she told me we couldn’t be together because she thought I needed to heal. But honestly, that’s a load of crap.
One day though, I’ll have a sign. I’ll know it’s the right time to go back for her. Until then, I’m working on being the best man that I can.
I wake up from a dead sleep. Only I’m not in my bed. I’m on the beach. There isn’t a soul around, and the only noise is from the waves crashing into the sand.
Someone covers their hands over my eyes. Swinging around, I smile when I see it’s Abby.
“How are you here?” I ask her, pulling her into my arms.
“I thought you needed me.” She giggles.
“I’ve needed you for a long time, Abby. I’ve missed you.”
She looks up at me, putting her arms around my neck. “I know you did. And I know you always will. But now, I’m setting you free.”
My eyebrows pull together. “I don’t understand.”
“You aren’t mine to keep anymore. Even if I wish you were.” Taking her hand off of my shoulder, she cups my cheek. “You need her, Lane.”
“Who?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“You know who. Life is short. Believe me, I know. And I know you feel like you’re damaged, messed up, unworthy, and unlovable. But trust me, Lane, she can save you. You just have to let her.”
The last words leave her mouth, and slowly, she disappears into thin air.
“Abby, wait!” I call out.
But it’s too late. She’s gone.
fifty-four
Lane
Walking out into the bathroom, I splash some freezing-ass water on my face, attempting to feel better than I look. After that dream last night, I tossed and turned all night. Thinking of Memphis. Thank fuck I have a few days off from football or else I’d be dragging ass today, for sure.
I hear my cell phone ringing on my bed. It’s still early. Who in the hell would be calling me now?
Frowning at the name on the screen, I say as I pick up, “Trent?”
“Yep. It’s me. That’s why my name and number popped up, Einstein.”
“What can I do for you, asshole?” I say, shaking my head at his douchey comment.
“Look”—he sighs—“it’s nothing to me, what you and Memphis do. But at the wedding, she seemed … I don’t know, man. She looked sad.”
Holding my hand up, I cut him off, “Wait. Your dad and Carla already got married? What the fuck, man? Did my invite get lost in the mail or something?”
“Fuck off. They eloped in Hawaii. Don’t get your panties twisted.”
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I rub my chin. “Good.”
“Anyway, I didn’t call to talk about my dad’s wedding. Memphis has an interview tomorrow morning … in South Carolina.”
Standing up quickly, I ask, panicked, “What? Is she there now?”
“No, but she will be soon. Her flight leaves tonight at six forty. Lane, I know her well enough to know that if she gives the school her word that she will take the job, she won’t back out.”
“Okay?” I answer.
“So,” Trent growls, “if your ass loves her as much as I think you do, you might want to get to her before she goes to that interview.”
“Fuck. You’re right.” I start to grab my clothes to change into. “Shit. I don’t even know if there are any flights out this morning.”
“There are. Check your email,” he says.
Checking my email, I see Trent’s name. Opening the message, I read the sentence above the picture of the ticket.
“Don’t end up alone like me. Go after her. Fuck, this could mean Mason is right. We might end up as brothers,” he says before hanging up on me.
Chuckling, I throw a black T-shirt on, followed by some jeans.
I’m coming for you, Memphis. You got away once. You aren’t getting away this time.
fifty-five
Memphis
“It was just in here this morning,” I groan. “Is there anything I can do, please? I need to be on that flight,” I beg the middle-aged man standing behind the desk at the airport.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. Without an ID, I can’t give you a ticket. And without a ticket, you can’t board the flight.”
Turning around, I rub my temples. “Goddamn it, Memphis. How did you lose your freaking ID on the way here?” I whisper to myself.
I literally just checked to make sure I had my driver’s license before I left the apartment. Along with hand-sanitizing wipes and plenty of gum. It was all here. How could it be missing now?
I’m about to call the school in South Carolina to reschedule when a familiar, intoxicating scent blankets me.
When I spin around, Lane’s blue eyes are fixed on me. His lips turn up in a smile, and there it is. That damn dimple.
“Something wrong?” he drawls.
I glance around the airport, not convinced this isn’t a dream or that he isn’t a figment of my imagination.
“I know you to
ld me to take time to find myself.” He grins. “In other words, you wanted me to get my shit together.”
I don’t answer. I just stand here in shock, hanging on to his every word.
“I hope four weeks is enough to convince you that I’m a changed man. Because I can’t stand another fucking minute of being somewhere you aren’t.” He steps closer, so close that we are almost touching. Reaching forward, he gently tips my chin up. “The truth is, if you aren’t with me, I’ll never be healed. You are the one who brought me back to life, Memphis. And honestly, I’m pretty sure without you in my life, my heart might actually stop beating.” His eyes search mine. “I’ve lived through a lot. I’ve felt more pain and guilt in my life than I ever knew was possible. But losing you for good, it’ll break me.”
“How do I know the same thing won’t happen as before?” I say, glancing down at the ground. “Your words really hurt me. You made me feel so … disposable. The way you looked at me that day, you had so much hate in your eyes. Hate that was directed at me.”
“I know I was a piece of shit that day. Anything I say will sound like an excuse. And the way I treated you”—he grimaces—“it was inexcusable.”
“I agree.”
“I used to walk around, keeping all of my past buried so deep. Even Trent and Mason never knew about the accident until recently. I was too ashamed to tell anyone.” When he drops his hand, his brow furrows. “But when you came along, I couldn’t bear the thought of you knowing what I really was. The way you looked at me? You looked at me like I’d hung the moon.”
“I still look at you that way,” I say.
He watches me for a minute. “Y-you do?”
I nod. “I love you. I feel like you lived inside of me way before we first met. You might think I quiet your storm. But with you, Lane, I am the storm. With you, I feel like I can conquer anything. No, I feel like we can conquer anything.” I wipe a tear away. “I wish with everything that I am that I could rewind time and change that night for you. That way, you wouldn’t carry this pain. But inside, I know that no matter what happened that night, you have always belonged to me. And I have always belonged to you.”