by Ford, Mia
“Oh, God.” I clutch on to my stomach. “You’re right. I do need to find out.”
“I just can’t believe that you didn’t ask this while you were there. Did you not realize?”
“I was so shocked. I mean, my immediate reaction was that she must have a husband and I didn’t want to be in that environment anymore. I didn’t want to be humiliated, to meet this man…”
“So, what did you do?” Dax asks me carefully.
“I ran away.” I slide my eyes closed and hang my head low. I’m so embarrassed by my behavior.
“Wow, that’s mad. So, you just left?”
“As she put the little boy back to bed, yes. I just couldn’t handle it any longer, so I left.”
“And what have you said since? I’m assuming that you have spoken to her since?”
I shake my head. “No, she has text me, but I haven’t replied… because I’m so humiliated.”
Dax looks at me in a way that he hasn’t before. There is a real pity in his eyes. It is a look that makes me feel small and stupid… which I suppose makes sense since that’s exactly what my behavior has been.
“Josiah, for the sake of this child, you need to make this right. You are going to have to grovel to Paisley like crazy and get her to see you. Then you need to find out if he belongs to you.”
“But she’s so closed down,” I practically whine. “How will I find out?”
“You’re going to have to find out in one way or another. Maybe focus on the apology first, then the child. But you’re going to have to work quickly because Adam will be around soon. His honeymoon won’t last forever.”
I nod slowly, drinking this in. “I should probably do it right now. Message her, I mean.”
“I wouldn’t message her,” Dax warns me. “I would call her. She needs to hear your voice.”
Oh God, the idea of calling her chills me to the bone, but I know that Dax is right. After all this time, I can’t just text her. I will have to be as brave as I possibly can and make the call. Dax leaves me then, alone by myself, to make the damn call already. But I pick my phone up and stare at the screen blankly for a while.
Just do it, I warn myself. Dax is right, time is running out. I need to just do this already.
I hit dial on her number with my heart pounding violently in my chest, and I press the phone so hard to my ear that I’m sure I will leave a mark. The ringing sound is much louder than normal I’m sure of it.
“Hello?” Paisley finally answers, sounding extremely unsure, which I suppose makes a lot of sense.
“Hi, Paisley, I erm… I want to say sorry for not being in touch sooner.” I’m trying to skate over the whole running away thing over the phone for now. “I have been very busy. It’s been a crazy time at work.”
“Right,” she drawls. “I see. So, you have been very busy.” She can tell that I’m not being honest. That only piles the guilt on, but what else can I say? There’s nothing that won’t make me seem like an ass.
“Yes, but I would like to see you if that’s okay with you?” She is silent for far too long. I can tell that this isn’t something she wants to consider, and who can blame her? “I want to apologize, and I think I owe you an explanation as well. I erm… I haven’t exactly acted in the right way.”
“Yes, I see.” Her tone is clipped, she’s annoyed. “Well, I suppose I can meet you tonight.”
My heart soars. This is great. “Did you want me to come to your place?”
“No,” she jumps in rapidly. “I have a little time after work tonight where I could meet you for a drink.”
She wants to keep me away from her child, which I get. If this is my child, then it makes me run away even worse. I didn’t even give her a chance to talk to me. I will just have to accept this for now… and maybe it’s for the best. Like Dax said, I do need to apologize and to get her to trust me again before I can manage to bring up the boy. I suck in a couple of deep breaths as I convince myself that this is perfect.
“Great, okay sure. Where did you want to meet? And at what time?”
I scribble down the name of a bar which is nearer to her home than mine and agree to see her there. As I hang up the phone I try to assess how I feel. Is it better or worse? Or am I just numb? God knows, but I’m sure I’ll figure everything out when I lay my eyes on her again. Then I’m hoping that my next move will come naturally. I haven’t yet got a clue how I’m going to react if it turns out I am the boy’s father, but I don’t want to get too lost in that trail of thought in case it turns out I’m not. This whole situation is confusing enough without my brain getting carried away with itself and making it worse.
* * *
I check my watch then the door again, wondering where the hell she is. I’m sure this is the right place, I have checked the name of it a few times, but still Paisley hasn’t turned up. I suppose this could be some form of pay back. I ran out on her so now she’s standing me up. I would deserve that, but I can’t imagine Paisley being that petty. She just hasn’t ever been that sort of person. Especially if the boy – whose name I didn’t even pay any attention to because I didn’t know I would have to – does belong to me. I know she’ll want to try everything.
I’m not going to leave anyway. I will wait at least another hour, just to be sure.
With a deep sigh, I head back up to the bar to order myself another drink.
“You been stood up, handsome?” the bartender with bright red lips asks me with a wink.
“Er, not yet.” I smile thinly. “That might happen yet though, I can’t be sure.”
She leans across the bar and squeezes her arms by her side, flashing her cleavage at me. It hits me then that she’s trying to flirt with me. I can’t believe that I didn’t pick up on it sooner. I guess I’m out of practice.
“Well, if your lady doesn’t turn up, then you can always sit at the bar and hang out with me.”
I already know how that story would pan out. I’d sit with her getting increasingly drunk and stupid, flirting with her to keep myself entertained, as she laughs at my stupid jokes. Then we would end up going back to her place for a night of sloppy sex which leaves me feeling like absolute shit about myself. Even worse because I know that Paisley rejected me in such a cruel and brutal way.
No, there’s no chance of that happening. Not at all. I don’t want it no matter what happens.
“Yeah, thanks, but I’m pretty sure that she will turn up eventually.”
The bartender nods but she drags her tongue along her bottom lip, thinking that she knows better than me. She’s probably watched poor saps like me get stood up by women all the time, foolishly clinging on to pointless hope. I don’t want to stare at her, to see that pity in her eyes, so I order a beer and toss a note at her. I grab the drink with only the smallest of glances I take the drink back to the table to play the waiting game for a bit longer.
If Paisley is out there somewhere, watching me and laughing, I do hope she’s getting some satisfaction from it. I hope my misery is what she was aiming for because she’s got it… but I can’t be mad because if I think about her coming down the stairs to find me gone, that must have absolutely crushed her. I can’t even begin to imagine. I hate myself even more as the idea comes to mind, I just wasn’t thinking straight.
Drink this slowly, I remind myself as I take a giant slug to block out the uncomfortable images of the pain I must have caused. Don’t be drunk when – or if as the case might be – she turns up.
The door swings open and I dart my eyes towards it again, expecting it to be just another random stranger who's come in for an innocent drink who I can silently unload all my anger upon, but this time it isn’t. This time it’s Paisley, and she has the pinches, pink face of someone who is stressed, who isn’t late on purpose.
“Oh, Josiah.” She looks surprised to see me. “I didn’t know if you would still be here. There was a thing at work and I just got all caught up in it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s h
onestly fine.” My face breaks out in to a smile. I almost want to give the bartender a smug look. See, she did turn up, I told you she would, I didn’t need your pity. But I don’t. I focus on Paisley instead. “I’m just glad that you made it. I was starting to get a little worried about you.”
I don’t want to tell her that I thought she might be doing it on purpose, so this feels like a much better thing to say. I would rather be the overly worried guy than the one who thought she wanted a nasty revenge.
She takes a seat and brushes her hair off her face. It doesn’t escape my attention that she doesn’t have a wedding ring on her finger, which means she isn’t married. I’m an idiot, that’s what I should have done in the first place. Honestly, I’m such a fool… but that realization brings with it a soaring high and a crushing low all at once. If she isn’t married, it only makes it even more likely that the boy could be mine.
I might have a child. I could have a readymade family; Paisley could be mine again…
But I will also have a lot of things that I have missed out on, through no fault of my own. I won’t blame Paisley for this, I understand it isn’t her fault, but still, it’s absolutely crazy to think about.
But one thing at a time. I really need to reel myself in, so I don’t get carried away with myself.
“Let me get you a drink,” I say smilingly as I rise from my chair. “Then we can talk.”
“I can’t stay too long… I have to get back for Freddie.”
Freddie, that’s his name. My possible son’s name.
“Yes.” I gulp back my emotion. I can think about that later on. “I understand. I’m grateful for any time you give me at all.”
“Then, I will have a small glass of white wine. Thank you very much.”
22
Paisley
This is weird… really, really weird. As I watch Josiah go to the bar I don’t know what the hell to think. From the very moment that Josiah called me I have been on edge, I don’t know what has changed his mind about me, for the sake of Freddie, I need to find out. I have to get answers, in case he ever asks them.
I breathe deep and slide my cardigan off my shoulders, trying to get comfortable for a while. Because of work I really don’t have long until I need to get back for Kate – who has looked after Freddie today – but I might as well relax for a little while during the time that I’m here. I want to look like I’m open to what he has to say.
There’s a big smile on Josiah’s face as he brings my drink back to me. He actually looks happy to see me which is nice. I can’t help beaming back despite the fact that I am still annoyed at him.
“Thank you, Josiah.” I take a sip of my drink. “Mmm, this is a lovely wine.”
He sits down and gives me a funny look, his eyes asking me just as many questions as I have for him. I don’t say anything for a while, I want him to make the very first move so I can gauge what’s going on here.
“Thank you for coming to meet me today, Paisley,” he finally says. “I know that I owe you an apology.”
The automatic people pleaser in me wants to tell him that it doesn’t matter, but I don’t let those words come out. I don’t have to be that person with Josiah… it isn’t okay, and he knows it.
“Yes, I was a little curious to come down the stairs and find you gone.”
I’m not going to tell him about the tears, there are some things he really doesn’t need to know!
“I’m sorry about that.” His eyes dart away from me which leaves me wondering if the words coming out of his mouth are going to be a lie or not. If he can’t look me in the eyes, then maybe he doesn’t intend to tell me the truth. “I just freaked out at the idea of your life changing so much. You having a child and a husband…”
“Husband?” I narrow my eyes at him and flash him my ring finger. “There is no husband.”
“Yeah, I see that now that I’ve stuck around enough to notice.” He smiles thinly, and I let out a little giggle at his supposed joke, but the sting is much too real for me to really laugh. “But I thought with your family being so conservative there isn’t any way that you’d have a baby without being married.”
A bubble of anger rises in my stomach. “I thought you knew I wasn’t like my family.”
“Hmm, yeah I do know. It was just a stupid, heat of the moment thought, that I didn’t think through.”
“You just ran away… that really doesn’t seem like you, Josiah. I don’t get it.”
“Urgh, I know. I’m really ashamed of myself. I can’t believe that happened either.”
A thick tension clings to the air, one that needs to be broken. I don’t want us to get lost in this anymore, much as it’s irritating, and it hurt me, I can understand Josiah now. Listening to him talk has opened up his mind set, and I suppose I do get it. I probably would have run away too if I thought he had a family. So, I laugh.
“What are you laughing about?” Josiah asks as I toss my head back in mirth. “Have you lost your mind?”
“I don’t know, this is just so insane, isn’t it? What the hell has become of us?”
Thankfully, he joins in too, and soon we are falling about in hysterics, a bit like we used to in the good old days. We spent a lot of time just mucking about and having fun… I have to admit that I miss that.
“So, there’s no husband?” Josiah finally asks. “No father of the child around?”
I don’t know if he’s guessed, I can’t tell by his eyes, but all I can do is shake my head. Five minutes and one apology aren’t enough to convince me that he is worthy of my child yet. He didn’t react well to the idea of a child. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’ll be like to learn that he’s his. “No father is around.”
“So, you have done it all by yourself then? That must have been really hard.”
“Hmm… it hasn’t always been easy, especially in the beginning, but he’s a lovely kid.”
I beam with joy just thinking about my son. He always makes me happy, he’s the sunshine in my life.
“Well, you have obviously done a very good job of parenting. You should be really proud of yourself.”
Emotion swells up inside of me, to hear him say those words is just something else. He might not know that he’s Freddie’s father, but I do and that just makes his pride even more touching. I’m going to have to change the subject quickly or my feelings will become obvious on my face and he will guess everything.
“So… no wife for you either, I assume?”
“No wife. No one serious for the last three years.”
Three years. So, what me and him had was serious to him. That’s insane. I have spent all this time worried that he didn’t care at all, while all this time he’s been thinking about me as I have him. The sad thing is nothing can really happen between us now until I let this secret out… can it? God, I don’t know for sure.
The annoying thing is it’s easy to be around him. If it wasn’t for the secret hanging in the air, it would be perfect. Easy, loving, as wonderful as it always was. It makes me yearn desperately for what could have been. I lean on my elbow and smile at him, the images of how our lives could have been had it not been for my father. I probably would have a husband then and it would be this man sitting in front of me.
“Do you have time for another drink?” Josiah asks me with a serene look in his face.
I glance at my watch, the time shocking me. How has it flown by so fast? I must have had fun. “No, I’m so sorry I would love to, but I have to get back for Freddie. It’s been really nice though…”
“We should do it again some time,” he bursts out, seemingly unwilling to let me go. “Spend more time together. I know it won’t be the easiest thing in the world to get a babysitter, but I would love to take you out.”
I knot my eyebrows together. “Take me out? What do you mean?” I can’t mess about with Josiah, there is too much history, far too many emotions involved. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like…”
“No, I understand.
Things between us are a little…” He shakes his head desperately. “I would like to take you out on a date. If you say no, I totally get it because I understand that you have a lot going on right now, but for me, I think there might still be something between us and it would be a real shame to ignore it.”
I don’t know what to say to that. He makes some good points. Is it really worth me turning my back on our romantic life just because I have a secret? I mean, he knows that I have a child that he doesn’t know it’s his and he still wants to take me out. And also, it would be a good way for me to suss him out more.
“Yeah, that sounds really nice, thank you.” I nod slowly. “I think I would like that.”
“You would?” He is visibly relieved. “Okay great. How about Saturday night?”
Should I play it cool? Oh God, no way, I’m not playing games with Josiah. “Sure, Saturday.”
“Great, shall I come to yours about eight o clock then?”
That’s a sensitive request even if he doesn’t realize it. I should be able to get Freddie in bed by then before I even need to leave the house. “That sounds really good.”
I rise from my seat, and Josiah does too. He walks me to the door of the bar and does the gentlemanly thing of offering to walk me home, but I have to shut him down. I agreed to the date, but I don’t want to push things too far by letting him anywhere near my home. I might politely invite him inside, then things may very well become impolite as I take him to the bedroom and let him take me to heaven once more…
God, it’d been too long. Even longer since I felt this intense spark of desire. It pickles all over my skin like an electric shock, before furrowing deep into me and nearly consuming me whole. It’s really hard to keep my rational head on looking at him while I’m feeling this way. I want to just jump on him.
“No, no thank you,” I stammer out my reply. “I will just get a bus…”
“I would rather you get a cab because it’s safer. I will pay for it for you?”
I shake my head rapidly. I appreciate it, but I don’t want him to pay for anything for me. I made it this far in my life without his money, so I don’t need it now. “No, thank you, I am fine.”