by Ford, Mia
It’s like Paisley is a limb of mine or an organ, and now I can function properly once more.
There’s a slight knock on the door before it swings open which can only mean one person is here. Dax and our previous friendship means he is comfortable enough to just walk in which I like.
“You’re smiling,” Dax says with hesitancy in his voice. “Dare I ask?”
“You probably don’t want to know,” I admit. “I haven’t been making the wisest choices again.”
“Maybe not. But the decision seems to have made you happy, so tell me all about it.”
I wrap my arms around myself, the memory of Paisley all too delicious. “Things are going well.”
“Ooh, you aren’t going to kiss and tell? This must be about Paisley then.”
“Yeah, it is.” I nod, the giant grin beaming over my face.
“You find anything out about the child yet? Is he yours?”
I shrug one of my shoulders. “I haven’t found out yet, but I’m working on it. I can’t just go in there and demand to know, not when I’m the one who let her down in the first place.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Dax agreed. “So, what is going on?”
“Right now, we’re just having a good time together.”
“Dating?” Dax looks genuinely shocked. “Are you serious? Isn’t that a bit dangerous?”
I do get why he feels this way. To anyone else, my behavior wouldn’t make any sense at all, but I do know what I’m doing. It’s okay. Me and Paisley share something that runs so deep I don’t think anything could get in our way now. Maybe I will be proven wrong, perhaps it will all explode in my face… but I don’t think so. Right now, with this amazing warm glow around me, it doesn’t feel like anything can touch us.
“I don’t think so. I think this can only be good for us. Then when it does come out, all will be good.”
Dax perches on the edge of my desk. “I hate to be the little devil on your shoulder, but what if our suspicion is wrong and the kid isn’t yours. Will you still feel the same way about her?”
Shit. He’s right. I am getting s little carried away in the fantasy that the boy is mine because of the possible timings. Also, it would give me a good, clean cut explanation for why she left. It all fits nicely into a box and if this unravels and I discover that isn’t the case, I don’t know what I will feel.
“That isn’t something you have considered, is it?” Dax continues. “Well, you need to. I don’t want you to end up disappointed if things don’t work out the way that you want them to.”
“Hmm, yeah you’re right.” I nod slowly. “I do need to consider this.”
As Dax walks out of my office, leaving me with pause for thought, I’m stunned. I have gone so far in to the other end of the spectrum that I’m really stunned by the idea that I might be wrong. I mean, will I feel the same way if Freddie isn’t mine? Will my relationship with Paisley be the same? I will still love her, no matter what, but there’s no denying that things wouldn’t be exactly the same.
I sigh and shake my head. I’m not sure if that thought makes me sound like a dick. It isn’t that I would reject Paisley or Freddie, it would just… I don’t know, be different. The need to find out has gone from being something that I can push to the back of my brain to an all-consuming fear. Is he mine? Is he not? God, I’m going to be stuck in limbo until I find out. But I still can’t pressure Paisley. This is a real catch twenty-two.
“Fuck.” I rake my fingers through my hair. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
I grab my cell phone and dial Paisley’s number furiously, needing to at least see her. I’m not going to get any closer to finding out the truth while we aren’t seeing one another.
“Hello?” she answers in her warm soft voice. I wish it could go some way to relaxing me, but I’m too far gone.
“Hi, Paisley, how’s it going?”
“Erm, yeah okay. Are you alright? You sound a little… stressed?”
I sigh loudly. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just work that’s all.” I feel awful telling this lie, but what else am I supposed to do? I can’t tell her the truth. Oh. Paisley, I’m annoyed because I want to know if Freddie is mine and I have all of a sudden decided not to be patient with you, so, you have to tell me right this second. “How are you?”
“Yes, I’m fine…” She doesn’t sound sure. I don’t think I have convinced her.
“I was wondering if you would like to spend some time together soon?”
“Oh yes! Of course, I will. That sounds awesome. What did you have in mind?”
“Dinner?” I rub my forehead hard; I should have planned this before I called. I do need to stop being so impulsive about these things. “A movie? What would you like?”
“I don’t mind. Whatever you would like.” Oh no, she sounds cautious again.
“Movie.” Much as I want to hear her talking, it doesn’t seem like I’m in a good position to talk myself. “Let’s go and see a movie. That’s something that we haven’t done together before. Not at the movie theatre anyway.”
“Alright, sounds good, when did you want to go? Just so I can call Kate and arrange child care?”
I need to move fast. Adam will be back soon, and I would like to get the answers I need. “Tonight? Or tomorrow if that’s too soon? Why don’t you find out when Kate is free and let me know?”
“Right sure. I will let you know soon.”
We say our goodbyes, but I don’t put the phone down. I hold it tightly between my fingers and wait impatiently for her to get back in touch with me. Anxiety zig zags through me while I watch the black screen, Dax’s words circling through me over and over again. Freddie might not be mine. I mean he might be, but there is no guarantee. I could have a ready-made family, with only the bump that I have missed out on a lot, or I could have a very complicated situation in my hands. Who else could be Freddie’s father? What if this man suddenly appears in Paisley’s life and wants to know his child again? I will have to pull back and take the second place.
Finally, just at the moment, I think I’m about to burst, Paisley calls back. “Hey, I can do Friday, if that’s okay with you? I know it’s a little while away but it’s the only day that Kate can do.”
Adam is back on Friday. But not until the evening, so I don’t think the first thing he will do is come looking for me and Paisley. I’m pretty sure we can have that… but it does mean I will need to work fast.
“Friday is good. I can do that. I will come and pick you up at eight again.”
“Brilliant, I guess I will see you then.”
I huff loudly, disappointment crushing me as I finally let go of my phone. I have done all that I can now, there isn’t any more that I can battle. I will just have to wait until Friday to get my answers. My head falls into my hands, I slide my eyes closed to block out the world for just a little while. All the happiness I had has zapped from me, now the bright sunshine is just annoying, impinging on the headache that’s already brewing.
I’m going to have to come to terms with the answer, one way or another. Before Friday I need to decide on what I’m going to do, no matter what the outcome is. If Freddie is mine, am I going to jump all in? If he isn’t, am I going to walk away, or move with caution? Once I know what I’m going to do, then I’ll be able to face Paisley confidently and happily. Dax has given me a lot to think about, and I’m grateful to him for it. He’s the only one brave enough to tell me how it is, even if I don’t like it. Thanks to him, I have time.
* * *
Only, by the time Friday comes around, I am not any closer to working out what I’m going to do. Every time I make a choice, my brain immediately comes up with a million reasons why I shouldn’t go that way. I’m not usually an indecisive person, but this has got me crazy. I honestly feel like I might be going mad.
“It’s today,” I tell myself quietly. “Today I will get all my answers, and all will be okay again.”
I’m yearning for that sense of calm, I miss feeling
like a normal person, and I’m hoping that tonight it will come to a head and the choice will just come to me. Maybe, in this case, acting on impulse and going with my gut will be the right thing to do. Whatever my gut wants might well be the right thing for it.
When it comes down to it, I know that I don’t want to blow things with Paisley. Whatever the outcome, I really don’t want to let her go. I just haven’t fully worked out how it’s going to work yet.
I knock quietly, she can probably barely hear it. For someone who has been so eager to get my answers, now that I’m here I’m not so keen to see her face at all. I guess this must be fear talking.
The door flies open, showing me a much more frazzled Paisley than I was expecting. “Oh. Josiah. It’s you.”
“You were expecting me, right? We did have plans tonight?”
She steps aside and lets me in. “Yeah, we did, and I’m sorry I was supposed to message you, but I haven’t had a moment yet. Kate hasn’t turned up yet which isn’t like her at all. I can’t get hold of her and I don’t know where she is. I thought that you were going to be her, to be honest. And Freddie won’t go to sleep yet…”
He runs into the living room with all the energy of someone who definitely doesn’t need a night of sleep. I stiffen, knowing that I probably shouldn’t be here, but instead of hiding behind his mom he rushes over to me and beams. It’s a smile that reminds me more of myself than anything else that’s come before.
“Football!” he yells out cheerfully. “Football.”
“No, sweetie.” Paisley tries to scoop him up, but he swiftly avoids her. “No football.”
“I can play football with him for a while,” I offer rapidly. “You know if you think that might tire him out a bit. And it also might give you a moment to yourself if that’s what you’re looking for.”
She knots her eyebrows together and steps away. “Really? You would do that?”
“Of course, why not? It sounds like fun, right, buddy?”
God that smile is mine, I’m sure of it. I’m becoming increasingly convinced yet again that this boy is mine. I would love to spend some time with Freddie, plus if Paisley sees me doing a good job then she might open up.
“I would love some time to get organized if that’s okay?” I nod so Paisley bends down to speak directly to her son. “Right, Freddie, you can play football for five minutes, but once I say that it’s bed time then you have to do as I say, okay? You can’t argue with me; do you understand?”
“Thanks, Mommy.” He throws his arms around Paisley’s neck.
She leaves and heads up the stairs, shooting me looks every so often, but my focus is all on Freddie. We lightly kick the ball to one another, being careful not to do any damage to the house. Freddie laughs loudly as he kicks the ball, he’s having the time of his life. I wonder if I was like this at his age. I still had my parents around at this age, just about. It’s a shame that I don’t have any memories of this time because I would love to be able to compare myself. My childhood memories are all in the orphanarium. If I didn’t have photographs I wouldn’t even remember what my father looked like. I hope we shared times like this before he died.
“You like football, huh?” I ask Freddie with a smile. He nods eagerly. “You like it more than bed time?”
His giggle is the sweetest sound that I have ever heard in my life. He just sounds so happy it’s incredible. I clutch my hand to my chest without even thinking about it, and grin back at him.
“I have always liked football as well,” I admit. “It’s fun, isn’t it?”
Please be my son, my brain suddenly screams. I would love this boy to be mine.
We play for a little while longer until Paisley comes back down to call Freddie to bed. He starts to complain at first, but I quickly remind him that he promised not to and by some miracle he listens to me, he nods slowly and follows his mom up the stairs, waving to me as he goes. My heart strings pull hard as he goes, I really don’t want him to leave, I was enjoying my time with him then. I’m even more convinced that he’s mine now.
“Damn,” I mutter to myself as I wait for Paisley to come back down. “Damn, damn, damn.”
I rake my fingers through my hair, stress getting the better of me. I so want to be all calm and casual about this, but I really don’t feel it anymore. I just so badly want to know I feel like I might explode. There’s a deep unsettled feeling in my stomach, a restlessness that won’t calm down. I can’t keep still so I continue to pace the room allowing my thoughts to dart and dance, rocket and shoot sharply through my brain.
He’s mine… but he might not be… I need to find out… I have to get Paisley to tell me… Adam is back now and soon I will have to face him… I don’t want to lie to him… I want to have the answers…
“Kate will be here in a moment.” Paisley’s voice breaks through my shock barrier. I didn’t realize quite how much I got lost in my old brain there. “She got stuck in traffic and had cell phone issues…” Paisley holds up her hands. “I don’t know the full details, but she will be here. If you still want to go out?”
Good. A movie. That was our plan and it sounds perfect. If I’m watching a film, or at least pretending to, then I don’t need to talk. I can just gather up my thoughts and get myself to a normal place by the end. I really don’t want to blow ever finding out by going in rashly.
“Yes. Sounds good.” My voice is stiff, and Paisley can clearly hear that. “I still want to go out.”
“Are you sure? I’m sorry, was it a pain playing with Freddie? I know that he can be full on.”
I get an unexpected lump in my throat which makes it hard to answer. “No, he’s a great kid. Really sweet.”
Paisley cocks her head to one side and she looks at me curiously. I’m pretty sure that her piercing gaze can see right through me. I brace myself, waiting for the conversation to begin without my control, but before she can say anything there is a knock at the door. One that rockets all the way through me.
“Ah, Kate is here,” she says distractedly. “Hold on, I will just go and get her.”
“Yep, of course. I will be here.”
She turns and heads for the door instead, allowing me to blow out a breath of relief. Thank goodness. I really don’t want tonight to turn in to a Spanish Inquisition. It’s supposed to be another nice night.
It’s up to me to focus on making this a lovely date. Then when the moment is right, I can ask questions. Gently, unforcefully, without any sign of demanding. When I’m calm and in control of myself. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and nod to myself. I can do this. I have to do this.
26
Paisley
The movie is weird, really strange. And no, I don’t mean the pictures flickering across the screen which I can barely focus on. I mean Josiah. He is acting all odd again. I don’t know what the hell to think about him, he keeps blowing hot and cold and it’s really hard work for me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
Actually, I’m getting a little pissed off with it. I don’t see why I should have to keep tiptoeing around him, working out his mood, taking him treating me like this… but I don’t know what to do, I’m not sure how to react, and that’s mainly because I’m the one with the secret. I’m the one who is keeping Freddie away from him.
The credits roll, and I wait impatiently for Josiah to move. I’m not sure if going to the movies was a good idea. It feels so strange to be sitting here not talking when there is so much burning off of him. I so desperately want to know what it is; it’s destroying me from the inside out. I dart my eyes towards him, but he keeps his eyes fixed on the screen, refusing to look at me. I can sense him purposefully keeping his eyes away.
“Did you… want to leave?” I ask curiously, needing to break this silence. “Everyone else is going.”
“Hmm, yeah?” His eyes are blank; he barely looks like he’s aware of what’s going on. “Oh right, go. Sure.”
He rises from his seat, and I follow him. There is a big distan
ce between us, a chasm, which I so desperately want to fill. But he continues moving quickly, and soon we’re outside with nothing between us. He is then forced to turn around and look at me, his eyes with that remaining blank look.
“What’s going on, Josiah?” I plead. “You’re being really strange.”
“I’m not being strange.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets. “I just… I don’t know what’s going on.”
“What do you mean?” It’s my turn to take a step back now.
“I just feel…” His eyes dart downwards. “I don’t know; I can’t put it into words.”
“You’re feeling like you want to run again?” I fold my arms across me, anger bubbling in the pit of my stomach. “Why don’t you just leave then? Why do you keep dragging me back just to let me down again? Do you know what you’re doing to me? One minute you’re telling me that you like me and the next you’re distancing yourself again. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think here. It’s too much.”
I rake my fingers through my hair, the word vomit petering off and leaving me panting. Josiah looks blown away like he wasn’t expecting me to go off like that. To be fair, I wasn’t expecting it either. I’m supposed to be holding back, keeping my opinion locked away because I’m the one with the secret, but it all just fell out.
“I’m… I’m sorry, Paisley, I didn’t mean to…” He shakes his head hard. “Sorry, I don’t know what to say.”
I remain in silence for a few moments, waiting for him to decide. This night wasn’t supposed to go this way, I was so looking forward to tonight, another romantic date, but it’s all gone wrong. I should have known it from the start. The moment Kate didn’t turn up I should have guessed it wasn’t going to go well.
“Okay, well I think your silence says it all,” I say with a sigh. “I need to leave.”