That Christmas Eve: A Brother’s Best Friend Baby Romance

by Ford, Mia

  I try to stalk off, tears rolling behind my eyes as I go, but it doesn’t take me long until I hear his heavy foot steps behind me. I don’t know if this is better, to be honest. If there isn’t going to be a conclusion and we’re just going to keep going around in circles, then it would probably be better for him to just leave me.

  But he doesn’t. He catches up with me much too easily and his hand wraps around my arm.

  “Paisley, please wait,” he begs. “I don’t want you to just leave like this. The night doesn’t have to end…”

  I spin with rage now flashing through my brain like lightning bolts. “The night has been awful. You haven’t really been with me from the start. I have tried to ignore it because it’s clear that you have something going on. I just didn’t realize that the thing you’re struggling with was me. I didn’t know you didn’t want this.”

  My heart breaks. I pretty much feel it crack and shatter in my chest. The idea that he really genuinely doesn’t want this and that the idea of my perfect family has come to an end breaks me. I have held on to my love for Josiah ever since I first laid eyes on him all those years ago, and now I’m going to have to come to terms with moving on. Finally, I’m going to have to let go of all that I have ever wanted.

  “It’s not that I don’t want this, I just… there are things between us, aren’t there?”

  My heart races faster. Does he know? Has he somehow figured it out? To be fair, it isn’t that hard. He could easily do it with just a bit of effort, so I can’t be too shocked, but still, I am. I wanted to be the person to tell him in my own way. I was going to plan it, to choose my words so carefully, but now it might be over.

  “What… what are you talking about?” I ask with a stammer.

  He blows out a breath of air, shaking his head sadly. It’s almost as if he wants me to be the one to tell him. The words remain on the edge of my lips, they are about to spill free. If only I had planned what I was going to say already then, I could do it. But my brain is blank, and I don’t know how to find the words.

  “Three years is a long time,” he finally says after a while. “A lot has happened.”

  “Hmm, yeah. Well, I am a living proof of that. What with my son and everything…”

  “Yes, Freddie.” Fuck, I can almost see it on his face that he knows. “I understand.”

  The wind whips around us, the air blowing hard. Josiah’s body language is very closed off and that’s making me the same. My shoulders hunch up around my ears, my muscles all tense up, my limbs ache with the tension.

  “So, what’s going to happen?” I finally demand, forgetting myself again. “Things have changed, yes. The last three years weren’t going to exactly be the same, were they? Is that something you can handle?”

  He shakes his head, stunning me to the core. “No, Paisley, not right now. There are too many things that I don’t know. Too many things that you are hiding from me. Why did you leave? Why did you suddenly run off three years ago? Was it because you got a job like I was told or was there something else? Was the idea of telling your family too much? Because you could have just told me if that was the case.”

  “No, I…” I try to argue, but now it’s his turn to go off on a rant.

  “You know, I thought you were dying for a while. That’s the only logical conclusion that I could come to. The way you ran off sick then just vanished. I told myself that if you wanted me to come for you then I would get a sign. You would communicate with me somehow and things would go back to normal. But that never happened, and your family were really weird about speaking about you, so I thought maybe you were dead.”

  That strikes me hard. I guess I never thought about how that might have affected Josiah. Damn Adam and him convincing me that Josiah had moved on easily. “I’m sorry, I…”

  “Do you have any idea how that made me feel? No, you don’t. It was horrible. Then I told myself that I was going crazy, that you were fine, and it was just me getting carried away. You just didn’t want me.”

  “That was never the case…” Still, he doesn’t want me to get a word in.

  “Now we’re here and there is still something between us. Something separating us, and you can’t deny it. I would like to just ignore it and carry on. But I can’t. I’m sorry, Paisley, but I can’t be fake with you.”

  Fuck. My heart skips about a million beats, he doesn’t want to be fake with me and I’m being fake with him. It actually hurts my chest; I can barely breathe. I try to suck in plenty of air, but it changes nothing.

  “I… I…” I need to get the hell away before I fall to the ground in dizziness. “I…”

  “You have something to tell me, Paisley, I’m sure of it and I want to hear it.”

  This is it, the moment that I need to tell him, but the look in his eyes silences me. Right now, he’s looking for a reason to reject me. I don’t even think that he’s in a rational enough place to realize that he will be rejecting Freddie as well, but I know it all too well and I don’t think my heart will be able to stand it.

  I can’t tell him now, not like this, not while he’s looking at me that way.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My eyes pull away. “You’re being weird, Josiah.”

  He steps away, into a little alleyway. I don’t know if he wants me to follow him or not. My instincts tell me that I probably should, but my limbs won’t move. I’m absolutely frozen in place. I shiver, the cold getting to me now as I wait for Josiah to come back. I suppose I understand his reaction. I have been lying by omission ever since we first reconnected, but this is the first time I have out right lied to his face.

  “Fuck it.” He comes back in to view, seeking me out with a new found determination on his face. “I’m just going to ask you now. I can’t keep pussy footing around this anymore. It isn’t right, for any of us. We need to get this sorted before we can ever be around one another again. Who is Freddie’s father?”

  Tears blurt out my eyes and soak my face. I so want to tell him but there is such a thick lump in my throat that I can’t get the words out. The ice surrounding me loosens and my limbs set free. I don’t even realize what I’m doing until the wind begins whooshing past me and I hear my feet hitting the ground hard.

  I’m running… I’m running away. Josiah asked me the question that I really need to answer, and I ran. There’s a small voice inside of me begging me to stop and go back, but I ignore it. I keep going with water streaming behind me until I reach my front door. With a shaky hand I drag out my key and I unlock the door. I fall through it, almost collapsing on the ground as I go, and I lock the door behind me just as quickly.

  I don’t want him getting to me. I don’t want to speak to him again. For now, I’m done. We both need to calm down before any kind of conversation can be had. My heart pounds hard against my rib cage, my ragged breaths ache my lungs and throat, my legs want to cave and give way. I’m an emotional wreck.

  “Are you okay?” Kate asks quietly from behind me. “Well, stupid question, but…”

  “Oh, sorry.” I almost forgot that she was here I was in such a mess. I try rapidly to wipe the tears and force a thin smile on my lips. “I didn’t mean to come in here all messy, I just…” I shake my hands, trying to dry my face.

  “It’s okay.” Kate wraps an arm around me and pulls me towards the kitchen. “Let me make you a hot drink and you can tell me everything. If you want to, that is. If you don’t want to talk, I get it.”

  I shouldn’t talk, but I do really need to get this off my chest. I have Maddie who I can always speak to, but I want another opinion. Someone who hasn’t known the whole story from the beginning. I can’t help but think that Maddie wants the ideal happy ever after for me and that clouds her judgments sometimes.

  I take a seat in my kitchen and gratefully receive a drink from Kate. She is a good person, so damn sweet. And if I am so comfortable trusting her with my son then surely, I should be okay sharing myself too. Right?

  “So,
the date didn’t go well then?” she asks curiously. “I can ask that much.”

  “No.” I shake my head morosely. “And it’s all my fault.”

  “Oh no way,” she replies loyally. “I can’t believe that. You’re too nice to do anything wrong.”

  I slide my eyes closed before the next words come out of my mouth. I’m embarrassed to look at her as I say this. “Kate, it isn’t straight forward. That man is someone from my past.”

  “A jilted ex? Or did he hurt you? Is this all some revenge thing? Ooh, like a movie…”

  “No, no nothing like that. Not really. He is…” Fuck, this is hard. “Freddie’s father.”

  Kate sucks in a breath, practically dragging all the air out of the room. I peer through one eye to see the shock on her face. Yes, that stunned, unsure of what the hell is going on is exactly how I feel.

  “Oh, there’s more…” I need to fill her in with every detail. “He doesn’t know.”

  “He doesn’t know?” she squeals. “Oh shit, that’s a bit…”

  “I know, I know, but it isn’t as bad as it sounds. Or maybe it is, I don’t know. But I didn’t ever keep him out of the picture on purpose. It was my father’s fault. I have told you about my family, haven’t I?” I’m surprised when she shakes her head. “Oh okay, well they have always been very traditional people, strict to go with it. They wanted to keep their reputations intact and that affected me and my brother, Adam. We have always had to follow their rules, especially when it comes to who we date. To them, that is a reflection of them.”

  “And they didn’t like Josiah?”

  “He was Adam’s best friend, and they always thought that he wasn’t good enough for him. He was orphaned when he was just a child and in their eyes a bit of a bad boy.”

  “Oh wow.” Kate takes a sip of her drink and furrows her eyebrows together thoughtfully.

  “Yeah, but that didn’t stop me. We had a secret affair which ended up in pregnancy. My dad found out about it and sent me away, I didn’t get a chance to explain to Josiah anything.”

  “Did your parents go mad when they found out who the father was?”

  “They don’t know. They never knew. That’s part of the reason they sent me away.”

  “And your brother?”

  I shake my head. “He never knew either. Or he might have suspected but he never knew for sure. He did go out of his way to let me know that Josiah had moved on… which is why I did everything alone.”

  “And now Josiah is back in your life? And you don’t know what to do.”

  “I think he has guessed, Kate. In fact, I’m sure that he has. He pretty much asked me, but it was in the middle of an argument, so I ran off and now I don’t know what to do.”

  I stare at Kate, begging her to give me all the answers, but of course, she doesn’t have them. This is up to me to figure out, no one else can do it on my behalf. Talking it out has made it obvious, I should have just told him. There are many times that I should have just said it, but instead, I continued to dig myself a massive hole that I cannot climb out of. Not without great difficulty anyway.

  “If it helps,” Kate offers. “He seems like a great person who really cares about you.”

  I nod. “I know. I think you’re right. Tomorrow, when all of this has blown over, I will tell him.”

  “I can stay if you want?” Kate asks. “I don’t have anywhere to be, so I can sleep over then if you need to go in the morning you can.”

  “You would do that for me?”

  “Of course, I would. Anything to help.”

  There are no more excuses now. As I nod, I know. Tomorrow will be the day.

  27

  Josiah

  Fuck this. Fuck it. I can’t go through the rest of my life without answers, and since Paisley is so God damn unwilling to give them I am going to have to go somewhere else. But where? Where can I go? There isn’t going to be anyone else who is willing to tell me either. That fucking family will keep everything to themselves, leaving me on the outskirts, unsure of what the hell I’m supposed to do. I need to know one way or another.

  I press my phone to my ear, dialing her number again, but still, her phone is off. She ran away and turned her phone off, making her feelings of me very clear. I would like to think that this answers my question with a resounding ‘yes’ but until I hear it come from her mouth. The reason she might not want to tell me is because it isn’t me and she’s scared about how I will react. Which is fair, by this point I’d lose my shit.

  The next person I call is Adam. I don’t know if my head is on straight as I do this, but I just need to speak to someone who might have an answer. Even if it’s the one person I’m not supposed to tell.

  “Hello, mate!” His happy tone grates on me. How dare he be in a good mood while I’m struggling like this? “How’s it going? We literally landed about an hour ago and we had the best time.”

  Oh… his honeymoon. Of course. I grab my forehead and rub hard, willing the headache away. He’s been away, celebrating getting married. Again, it isn’t the time for me to bring him down with my issues. I will need to keep it in for a little while longer. Only, the last time I kept my emotions in because of Sian, back in the days when he first met her, it back fired massively, and I never got to tell him the truth about us.

  Do I want to make the same mistakes from my past? Not with so much at stake.

  “Mate, do you have time to talk?” I can’t keep the edge from my voice. “I really need some help.”

  “Shit, this sounds bad.” Luckily, he knows that I’m not one to have a serious talk over the phone, so he doesn’t even suggest it. “I’m at my parents’ home at the moment, but I can come around after?”

  His parents’ place is perfect. Because even if he isn’t aware of what happened, they might be. “Actually, I’m not too far away,” I lie. “I can be there in a moment if you’re going to be there for a bit?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Sure, why not? It’s pretty late though so we won’t be here for much longer.”

  “I know.” I flag a cab down as we talk. “I won’t be long, I promise you.”

  I hang up the phone, my emotions zig zag through me as I dive into the car. I feel irrational, uncomfortable, in actual pain. My organs squeeze tight in my body, nothing feels like me anymore. This is definitely my boiling point, I haven’t ever reached a place like this before, and I don’t know what to do anymore. My blood is actually bubbling, my brain is all over the place, my thoughts are spinning wildly.

  This isn’t going to end well, that’s the only thought that comes through with any clarity. This is going to be a disaster. But still, I don’t stop. I don’t turn the cab around, and I don’t try to call Paisley again. She had her chance, to be honest with me and she blew it. That opportunity is done now. I’m all about the truth.

  The cab moves quickly, it takes me to Adam’s parents’ home before I know it, which is a good and bad thing in equal measures. I don’t know if I’m ready for it, but at the same time, there isn’t any point in holding back any longer. As I step out the car and I toss some notes at the driver, over paying him by quite a bit, I stare up at the building, remembering how all of this began. I recall the moment I clocked Paisley again when Adam unexpectedly invited me around for Christmas dinner, I remember that instant jolt, the sizzling chemistry, the need to have her almost consuming me. I felt like if I didn’t have her I would die…

  That feeling creeps back over me, causing a little bit of the anger to subside. I do understand somewhere in the deep depths of me that Paisley doesn’t mean any harm, she isn’t being spiteful, she isn’t the sort of person to have a bad bone in her body, but that doesn’t change how all of this affects me.

  I curl my fist over and walk towards the front door, determined not to leave until I know for sure.

  “Hey, buddy!” I don’t need to knock on the door because Adam is already waiting. “We were just about to go, I thought that you were here much later than I thought you would
be.”

  “Yeah, sorry about that.” I shake my head hard. “I didn’t mean for that to happen. It was just…”

  “No, it’s okay. Come inside. We can talk in there.”

  I hold on to his arm and keep him outside for a moment. I want to at least try and have this conversation here. “Wait, Adam, there is something that I need to ask you. Is that alright? Can I have a minute? I know that the timing isn’t great, you have just got back from your honeymoon, but I really need to talk.”

  “Yeah, sure whatever you want. You know that I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

  That does make me feel worse. To hear Adam being such a good friend makes my betrayal that much worse. But I have started. And I need to finish. “Adam, I need to speak to you about Paisley.”

  A flash of dark crosses his eyes. “Paisley? Why the hell would you need to talk about her?”

  “I… I have some questions. I saw her at your wedding and found out that she has a child.”

  “You talked to her?” He gets all tight lipped and annoyed. “When did that happen?”

  “Is the child why she left?” I demand, ignoring his question. “Was she pregnant?”

  “Why the fuck are you asking this, Josiah?” His shoulders puff out. “Why do you want to know?”

  “I want to know if that’s why she left. I know you told me it was for a job, but I don’t believe that.”

  Adam strides, closing the gap between us. “What I don’t get is why you want to know?”

  Fucking hell. This is intense. “I just need to know, Adam. That’s all it is.”

  “There has to be a reason for it. You don’t just suddenly get interested in someone. If there is something that you need to tell me then I suggest you just say it. If you want to tell me something, then just do it.”

  He’s breathing raggedly, and I can hear myself doing the same thing. The tension flows thickly between us, it feels like fighting tension which isn’t what I came here for. “I don’t have anything to tell you.”