Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  Hang out with Mercy. With a damned horse. But maybe it was the exact buffer I needed to help me get some distance from my attraction to Kerry.

  16

  Kerry

  When I walked into the kitchen Sunday afternoon, after corralling Phoebe and Hamlet away from our crops again, I was pleasantly surprised to see Ainsley and Julian sitting together at the table. Ainsley didn’t normally seek Julian out, but ever since he’d helped her in the stables a few days ago, she had taken to him more easily. That night she’d told me that Julian was scared of loud noises too—I figured it was something they’d discussed before I’d walked in—and damn if my heart didn’t cram in my throat hearing that.

  I’d felt guilty that day because I couldn’t get to her in time and I knew she was anxious about the thunder and lightning. But I also knew she was with Dr. Barnes, who would keep her safe while I sought shelter from the storm. I’d been out repairing one of the fences between our property and the ranch. My brothers still hadn’t gotten to it, so I took it upon myself to fix it before their cattle ended up mixed in with ours in the pasture.

  Still, I’d rushed over as soon as I could because I knew how nervous Ainsley got when the weather was bad and we weren’t around. And stepping inside and seeing Julian there with Ainsley and Dr. Barnes left me feeling all sort of things I couldn’t put my finger on right then. He was grooming Mercy, and it was… I didn’t know how else to describe it except to say it was beautiful. How careful he was with him, and sort of uncertain. I had a sneaking suspicion Dr. Barnes knew Julian needed that time with the horse and had come up with a plan that included helping both Ainsley and him.

  She used to ask us to help Ainsley with little tasks at the beginning of her work with our daughter, to help her feel more comfortable. But it also felt like we were working together toward a common goal, bringing us closer as a family in the process.

  “What are you up to?” I asked Ainsley and Julian, looking down at the newspaper Sienna had no doubt spread across the table so that Ainsley could play with a new makeup set she’d received from Sienna’s mother. Ainsley loved playing with her dolls and plastic ponies too, so the glittery set was just an added bonus, if a bit messy.

  “A tutorial, apparently.” Julian smirked, watching her dab some color on the dolls and horses with a small brush. And given how rosy Sienna’s cheeks looked as she poured them glasses of iced tea at the counter, Ainsley had worked her makeup magic on her mother as well.

  I helped dole out the iced tea, then poured myself some for good measure.

  “Want me to paint your nails?” Ainsley asked Julian, reaching for a six-pack of colors that came with the set.

  I could see Sienna stiffen in my side view. “Honey, I’m sure Julian doesn’t want to—”

  “Sure,” he replied, and Sienna’s eyes widened a fraction. But he ignored her surprised expression and turned his attention to the palette of colors Ainsley was offering. “What color, do you think?”

  “Daddy doesn’t let me put makeup on him,” Ainsley said in a quiet voice, lifting each bottle to decide on a color.

  “Everyone has their own comfort level,” he said without looking at me. But I could feel Sienna’s gaze burning into me. I did turn Ainsley down in the past because I didn’t want to add any more fuel to the fire, but I saw now that it was just me not being brave or comfortable enough. Which was silly, because it was only makeup. Still, around here that would be enough to send off more alarm bells.

  “So I guess boys…” Ainsley began, second-guessing her decision, and I felt like shit about it.

  “Can like colors and pretty things too, if they want. How boring would it be if everything was black and white and gray all the time,” he said, then leaned closer conspiratorially. “Like your daddy’s hats and shirts.”

  She giggled, and there was nothing quite as perfect as my child’s laughter—except maybe Julian’s smile. Fuck, where had that come from?

  “Funny,” I deadpanned, then looked deliberately at his white T-shirt. “You’re not much better than me.”

  “My point exactly,” he said. “So let’s go for the sparkly purple.”

  As I sipped my iced tea, I watched Julian hold completely still, no jiggling knee in sight, letting Ainsley do her thing. Sienna still seemed a bit uptight about the whole idea, and I wasn’t sure if it was for the same reasons as me. I wished we could finally let down our guard on this one thing. It was certain to send the wrong message to Ainsley, the exact opposite of what I’d hoped for.

  “Make sure not to get too much around his cuticles,” Sienna coached our daughter, and it helped me relax a bit more. Until I glanced up at Julian and saw him biting his lip in concentration.

  Damn, that mouth of his.

  What would Sienna think if she knew I’d made out with her cousin? Pushed him against the wall and kissed him soundly. And I wanted to do more too. Like stick my hand down his pants and make him come with my fist. But I’d had the sense to leave when I did.

  I reached down to scratch Phoebe behind the ears. This was so not the time to be thinking about this shit. Not when he was so close, I could’ve easily reached out and touched him. When his legs shifted under the table, his foot rubbing against mine, it felt purposeful. My breath hitched, and when I glanced in his direction again, his cheeks were tinged pink.

  Christ, it sucked to walk around with a boner all the time and not be able to do anything about it.

  “I almost forgot,” I said, reaching for the paper bag sitting on the counter. “I got you somethin’ in town earlier.”

  I pulled out a new volume of a word-search book she was wild about.

  “Oh my God, I love that stuff. Even have an app on my phone that I play,” Julian said as her eyes lit up. “Can I do it with you while my nails dry?”

  So that was what they did once Ainsley had finished and had closed most of the lids on the tubes and containers. While he kept his fingers spread apart on the table, Ainsley moved her seat closer and flipped through the book with him. Sienna casually slid nail-polish remover near Julian’s elbow, but he ignored it as they hovered over one of the pages with a space-exploration theme.

  I got so lost in watching them that Sienna’s voice startled me as she began clearing away the newspaper with leftover glittery bits.

  “I was thinking,” she said, looking between Julian and me. “You should take Julian to the rodeo next weekend.”

  “Sure.” My stomach constricted painfully. “What about you two?”

  “Ainsley and I have Mom’s show-jumping event.”

  “I forgot.” Maggie and her damned competitions. She used to compete when younger, and now only entered her own horses. But I had no right to complain and should’ve been thankful that Ainsley felt more comfortable to go off with her for extended periods of time. If Ainsley hadn’t seemed interested, I would’ve put my foot down on the amount of time she’d be sitting in the stands, watching horses being timed and jumping over hurdles.

  “A rodeo?” Julian asked, his eyebrow arched in surprise. “Like with cowboys and chaps and ropes?”

  Sienna and I laughed at the stereotypical visual he probably got from movies. Though, he wasn’t wrong. “It’s definitely a form of entertainment round here.”

  “And Zee might enjoy seein’ you,” Sienna said. “It’s been a while.”

  Zach was my best friend from high school, who’d been on the rodeo circuit for years. We texted occasionally, but I’d missed his show the last few years when he’d been in town. But who could blame me?

  “Yeah, it would be good to see him,” I replied, then glanced at Julian.

  “What do you think?” Sienna asked.

  Julian shrugged. “Sounds fun to me.”

  Ainsley didn’t enjoy rodeos, mainly because the bulls were scary and she felt sorry for the steers during the roping events. Looking at it from her perspective, I could see her point. Now I wondered if Julian would feel the same. But it would be refreshing to at least get
off the farm and do something different.

  After corralling the goats from the pasture, we loaded into my truck to drive to the ranch for our family dinner.

  It wasn’t until the middle of Mom’s famous chicken fried steak that I noticed my father focusing on Julian, who was across the table from me. Then Hunter seemed to spot the same thing as my father, and my heart clenched.

  “What’s that on your fingers?” my father scoffed. “Nail polish?” His gaze instantly swung to me, as if I’d influenced Julian simply by being gay.

  The entire table fell silent, and I felt Sienna panicking beside me, which didn’t make a lot of sense—unless it had something to do with Brad showing up about five minutes before dinner and taking a seat beside her.

  Julian squared his shoulders. “Ainsley was messing around with makeup, and I was her guinea pig.”

  “Looks good on you,” Travis said tongue in cheek, which brought the exact levity needed.

  Julian fanned his fingers dramatically. “Right?”

  Most people at the table laughed, including my parents, but I distinctly heard Hunter mumble under his breath, “City boys.”

  I could feel Julian’s gaze on me as everyone dug back into their food, and when our eyes met, he smirked, which made me think he’d deliberately left the polish on to…what? Challenge my family’s ideals of masculinity? Yeah, I was reaching. But Julian definitely seemed fine in his own skin with or without the nail polish.

  A couple of hours later, I was ready to head home. Again, Sienna decided to stay longer, as she and Brad were involved in a conversation with some neighbors who’d stopped by.

  At the last minute, Ainsley said she was tired, likely from all the running around with her cousins, and drove home with me and Julian. She dozed in the truck, and I felt a stitch in my chest as I looked over at Julian, who had his arm around her.

  “Nice nails,” I quipped.

  He smirked. “I thought your brother was going to have a heart attack. But your dad took my excuse well.”

  “Probably because it’s you…not his son.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Nah, it is what it is.”

  After getting Ainsley to bed, we sat on the porch with a beer, but this time staying far apart. It was just as well, since not long after, Brad pulled up with Sienna.

  She looked a bit flushed when she got out of the truck. “Night,” she said abruptly before hightailing it inside the house.

  As Julian watched Brad’s truck pull away, I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was about those two. I knew I should talk to Sienna about it, but I was too chicken to put her on the spot. Maybe she needed some time to work through her feelings too.

  17

  Julian

  Kerry was taking me to see my first rodeo, and the tension in the truck couldn’t have been thicker, given all the stolen looks and accidental brushes since our kiss, which was honestly beginning to feel like a figment of my imagination. And though we’d gotten to steadier ground by continuing to enjoy the friendship we’d developed, it was hard to ignore the almost constant urges to touch him in more meaningful ways.

  I was going to guess it wasn’t any different for him either, and frankly, I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Hey, listen,” I said in a hesitant voice. “I’m sorry I… Can we just…”

  “Yes.” He blew out a breath. “It’s my fault. I’m the one who kissed you, remember?” I nodded. “I’ll admit I think about it all the time, but I enjoy your friendship too. And I don’t want to ruin—”

  “Please stop. No need to explain about Sienna again. And I obviously enjoy your company too. So let’s just…move on.” I lifted my hand to fist-bump him, and when he responded in kind, we both smiled, seemingly settled with our resolution. At least from the outside.

  We spent the remainder of the ride talking about stuff I’d never in my life thought of before, like how big a moneymaker rodeos were not only in Wyoming, but in states across the country.

  “Dude, rodeos rank in the top ten of all major sporting events.”

  “No joke?” I said as we turned into the stadium parking lot, which was packed to the gills and only demonstrated his point. “I can’t believe we can barely find a parking spot.”

  Once out of the car, we followed the throng of people heading toward the entrance. The stadium was about a ninety-minute drive from the farm, but despite the distance, it seemed Wyoming residents still recognized each other, and we were waved at and stopped along the way by people who mostly seemed to know Kerry through his parents or siblings. It reminded me of something Mom said once about how the entire state of Wyoming’s population could fit in half of Brooklyn. Which right now sounded a bit crazy, but I supposed it made sense. Plenty of wide-open spaces around here.

  We got curious looks from a few people, and I had to wonder if they were questioning whether Kerry and I were together—knowing his history—unless I was reading too much into it. I had never in my life had the opportunity to be openly out with someone, but in that moment, I almost wanted to reach over and grab Kerry’s hand, show him that he had my support, my protection too, and I felt strangely emotional about it.

  “You’re looking at me strangely. Somethin’ up?” he asked after yet another person greeted him and he introduced me as Sienna’s cousin.

  “Nope. Just taking it all in,” I replied, trudging beside him through the main gates. Damn, I wished stuff could be different right then. That maybe this could even be a sort of date—before we went home and fucked each other’s brains out. But I needed to stop that line of thinking before I drove myself to drink.

  Once we found a place to squeeze ourselves between an older couple and a family with three kids, I made fun of him for the nosebleed seats, even though I was fine with the aerial view of the entire operation.

  He told me to stay put while he trekked to the concession stand to get us a couple of beers and some nachos to share. No problem there, because I was too busy gawking at all the cowboys walking around and the animals inside their enclosures—at least what I could make of them from that distance. This was something I wouldn’t soon forget.

  “So tell me what I’m about to experience,” I said as I sipped the foamy beer. It actually felt good to be away from the farm for a couple of hours—not that I’d ever choose a rodeo to attend on my own, but I had a feeling I just might enjoy myself with the company alone.

  “A rodeo is divided into two categories of events—the ones that are timed, like bull and bronc riding, and the rough stock events, like steer wrestling and roping.”

  “Roping, huh?” I said, and his amused eyes turned in my direction before he became too aware of himself and his surroundings. “Sorry, just messing around.”

  There was a brief moment when I felt the pressure of his shoulder against mine before it was gone, and the effect was like a pile of feathers had been let loose in my belly.

  I cleared my throat and sipped more of the cool amber liquid, hoping it would calm my racing pulse. “Have you ever done any of the stuff you mentioned?”

  “I tried out for the roping team once for all the wrong reasons—probably to prove somethin’—but I wasn’t very good compared to the professionals you’ll see today.”

  I squinted toward a group of cowboys standing near the bull enclosure. “So they make money doing this? It isn’t just for the thrill of it?”

  “Definitely both,” he replied. “Especially if you’re on the circuit year-round. Hunter went semi-pro in barrel racing for a couple of years after high school. But it can be a hard life. You live on the road and do around thirty shows a year, sometimes more, and my parents weren’t exactly going for it.”

  “Because of the ranch?”

  He nodded. “My dad always said he needed him too much.”

  I couldn’t help wondering if Hunter held a grudge about Kerry leaving the ranch, and if it had anything to do with his rodeo days being over.

  “Do you think he mis
ses it?”

  Just as I had the thought, Hunter showed up with a bunch of other cowboys. As they scanned the stands for empty seats, his eyes locked on Kerry’s. He tipped his chin before following his friends to another row of seats a distance away.

  “He probably does, though he never discusses it with me,” Kerry replied with a tight jaw. “Shows up to every rodeo in town, so he definitely still enjoys it.”

  “Was there ever a time you and Hunter actually got along and hung out together?”

  “Not really. We don’t see eye to eye on much. And those friends of his would never accept someone like me.” My fist clenched as he made a frustrated sound. “They might not say anything to my face, but I know what they’re thinkin’.”

  “Damn, I’m sorry.” When I pressed my shoulder against his, he pressed back.

  “It is what it is.” He sighed. “But Travis and I have always been close, even more so with both of us having kids, and he keeps me in the loop on family stuff. Honest truth is, being the oldest, my dad expected me to take over the family business.”

  “And that wasn’t something you wanted?” I asked even though I’d heard Sienna’s version of the story about them opening the farm.

  “No, but hell if I wasn’t afraid to say it out loud. I think my mom always knew, though.” He looked off into the distance as if recalling some memory. “Some days I’d disappear down a trail to one of the ponds, wanting a quiet moment to think. She’d always find me, try to encourage me when my father was giving me a hard time.”

  “You, quietly thinking?” I said in a shocked voice, and he cracked a smile. “Yeah, moms always seem to have a way of knowing.”

  “They certainly do.”

  I thought about my walks around the farm, realizing I’d never made it as far as the fence that divided their properties. “Where are the ponds?”

  “We have one on our property—hell, it just occurred to me that you haven’t really seen all of the farm. We should go for a ride on—”