by Seven Steps
I panicked.
I knew what they wanted me to do now.
They wanted me to climb the metal pole and paint the highway sign.
No freaking way. Definitely not. I couldn’t. What if I slipped? What if I fell?
My chest constricted. “I can’t.”
“Come on,” Jean said. “We all did it.”
“Just hold on tight and take it slow,” Able said.
“I can’t,” I said. “It’s too dangerous.”
“You asked to do it,” Jeff said.
“I didn’t know I was going to have to climb twenty feet in the air to paint a highway sign.”
“As long as you keep your balance, you shouldn’t have a problem,” Jeff said with a shrug. He sounded nonplussed about it. Like he’d just told me the weather instead of asking me to risk my life.
My eyes turned to Ollie’s. He looked back at me.
“No going back now, Princess,” he said. “It’s do or die.”
Or just die.
I extended my shaking hand for the spray can. He produced a string, tied it to my wrist, then wrapped it around the can a couple of times.
“Are you sure this is necessary?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I told you not to come in the first place.”
Then, he took a step back and that was that. There was no other course but forward.
I gazed up at the sign. It looked so high now. Like it was hundreds of feet in the air instead of twenty.
A few cars zoomed by, sending up gusts of wind. I had a feeling the wind from passing cars would be the least of my problems. It was freezing out and I couldn’t wear my gloves to climb. They’d be too slippery. I’d have to climb the pole barehanded. What if my hands started to stick because of the cold? What if the metal was slick with ice?
I looked back at the group of kids watching me. I remembered Mrs. Meredith’s words. She said I could learn a lot from Ollie. If this was the only way to learn it, then so be it.
Besides, it couldn’t be that dangerous. The four of them had done it and survived, right?
I rallied my courage and placed two hands on the gray bar. Then I pulled myself up and began to climb. The second my fingers touched the metal, they burned with cold. Every time I pulled myself up it felt like the skin of my hands was tearing off.
My lungs heaved, struggling to pull my body weight upward. I wasn’t a heavy girl, but I wasn’t that strong either. I could barely do a push up, let alone climb a twisted pole to paint a sign.
I remembered watching Jack and the Beanstalk once with my brothers. I wondered why it took Jack all night to climb to the top of the stalk. Now I knew. Moving upward was hard. Every time I moved to another level, I had to catch my breath and apologize to my screaming arms and legs. It felt like someone had lit my calves on fire.
But, I pushed on, climbing farther and farther until I was at the top of the pole.
I vaguely heard cheers from below, but I was too frightened to look at them. I could only move forward, wrapping my arms and legs around the frigid steel bar, and crawling like a worm toward the sign. One cold inch at a time.
My heart beat so loud I was sure they could hear it in New Jersey. I was freezing and sweating at the same time.
A car whizzed by and I felt a whoosh of air. It blew my hair around my face. I gripped the steel tube harder.
I was two stories above a street, hanging on to a pipe that might fall at any moment.
This was, without a doubt, the dumbest thing I’d ever done.
Icy terror threatened to glue me in my place, but I fought to keep it at bay. I couldn’t go back now. I had to finish this. If I didn’t, then my life would turn out just as Jean said.
Meaningless. Regretful.
My dreams lay with a pack of RATZ below me. I could feel it in my bones. All I had to do was paint a picture on this sign and try not to die.
Easy, right?
I took a deep breath and let it out again, watching it fog and drift higher into the sky. Then, I started to crawl. I gripped the beam with my arms and thighs, fighting to keep moving. Fighting to breathe. Fighting not to puke all over the cars below.
It was all I could do now. Keep moving. Keep fighting.
By the time I reached the actual sign, I was dizzy from fear and adrenaline.
I blinked hard, trying to keep my focus.
Two shorter beams held the large green sign in place, like a pair of outstretched arms. A flat beam ran between the two arms, attaching them together.
I grabbed the bottom of the sign with one hand, then pulled myself up, forcing my chest against the sharp edges. The rounded beam beneath my feet felt like it was swaying, and I squeezed the sharp sign hard. My already frozen hand stung as my skin shredded.
Now standing, shivering, and praying not to fall to my death, I maneuvered my hanging paint can into my grip and started on my tag. The letter J in an outline of a jasmine flower. It took all of fifteen seconds. It was sloppy and crooked, but it was there, and that was all that mattered.
And now came the hard part.
Going back down.
I slid my body down the sign until I could grip the beam again.
The RATZ were cheering me on. Even Ollie was clapping.
Then, suddenly, a huge truck sped beneath me, sending a gust of wind blowing up so strong that the sign rocked.
My heart leapt into my throat, and I gripped the sign hard, holding on for dear life.
In that moment I saw my life flash before my eyes.
My father’s graying beard as he kissed me good night.
My mother’s red lipstick as we finger painted in the kitchen.
My brothers and I playing tag around the living room.
My friends sitting around me at lunch, laughing, joking.
Ollie’s voice cut through my flashback.
“You can do this!” he called.
His hands were behind his head, his face painted with worry.
“Don’t be afraid. Just let go.”
Let go? Was he insane? What if another truck came by? What if I fell?
“Listen to my voice. Don’t be afraid. Just let go.”
My confidence was sliding, and fast.
I was too afraid to let go of the sign, but I didn’t want to be stuck up here forever, either. If I was, they’d have to call the police to get me down. Then I’d have to tell my parents why I was up here in the first place.
I couldn’t do that. I had to get out of this the same way I got into this.
On my own.
I took a deep breath and released one hand from the beam.
“That’s it. You got this. Just follow my voice.”
I shuffled along the flat beam until I couldn’t shuffle anymore.
Then, I managed to turn myself and place one foot on the pole to climb down.
Maybe I would get out of this with my life after all.
Maybe I would—
“Are you all right up there, Princess?” Ollie called.
I looked down at him.
Bad idea.
My foot slipped out from under me and, for a moment, I hung in the air, my body stretching to the ground. I squeezed my hands against the pole and pressed my body to it, struggling to bring my feet back onto the hard steel.
My vision blurred. I started to feel dizzy. The world started to spin.
Everything hurt.
I felt raw and terrified.
I was stuck twenty feet above the ground, too afraid to move. All I could do was hold on to the pole for dear life and try not to throw up.
“Jasmine!”
Ollie’s voice seemed so far away.
Everything seemed too far away.
My muscles weakened. Whether it was the fear building or the adrenaline draining, one thing was sure.
If I moved, I was going to fall.
And if I fell, I was going to die.
God, I had to pee.
“Jasmine. Jasmine, it’s okay. I’m her
e.”
Ollie’s voice was in my ear now. How did he climb so fast? When did he get so close?
“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I don’t want to fall.”
“You’re not going to fall because I’m not going to let you.”
Tears squeezed out of my eyes. I wasn’t sure if they were tears of relief or terror.
He used his legs to guide my foot back to the pole.
“Okay. I’m going to need you to move your foot down.”
Move my foot down? I just got it back under me. I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Yes. You can.”
I felt his heat move over me. He placed his hands and feet on either side of mine.
“I got you now. I’m going to go down first, okay? I want you to follow me. You can’t fall straight down because I’m right here.”
“Ollie, I can’t.”
“Do you trust me?”
I sucked in several deep breaths, trying to keep my withering composure.
“Jasmine. Jasmine, hey.”
His hand gently touched my cheek, guiding it until I was forced to stare into his eyes.
They were so confident.
So sure.
But that didn’t put me off this time.
Now, I found it comforting.
“Do you trust me?” he asked again.
I gazed at him through watery eyes, then I nodded. “Yes.”
“Good. Then follow me down, okay?”
I sniffled. “Okay.”
“Okay. I’m lowering myself down to the next bar but just remember. I’m right here.”
I let out a shaky breath as his heat moved halfway down my body.
“Okay. Your turn.”
My heart was beating wildly. I wanted to stay where I was. To hold on to the fear I’d felt for as long as I could remember.
But that fear was only going to keep me rooted to the same place. Stuck up a pole with nowhere to go.
I breathed in deeply, then breathed out again.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I lifted one foot and carefully put it on the bar beneath me.
“That’s it,” Ollie said. “You’re doing great.”
Buoyed by my brief victory, I moved one hand to a lower bar. Then another hand. Then, finally my foot. When I felt Ollie’s heat covering me fully again, my confidence grew.
“You’re doing awesome. You ready to go again?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Step by step we made our way down the pole, Ollie leading the way, and me following him down, until, all at once, my feet touched concrete.
I let go of the final bar of metal, dropped to my knees, and wept in relief.
And victory.
I’d done it.
I thought I couldn’t, but I pushed myself and I did it.
I’d never done anything like that in my life.
I felt powerful. Tearful, but pumped up too.
If I could paint heaven, what else could I do?
“You did it!” Jeff cried, patting me on the shoulder. “I knew you would. That was amazing, wasn't it, Ollie?”
“Yeah.” His voice was tight. “A barrel of monkeys.”
“And you didn’t think she could do it. But I knew. I knew all along.”
Jean and Able knelled down next to me.
“You’re not dead,” Jean said. “I’m shocked.”
“Jean,” Able warned.
“What? You said to compliment her.”
Able thought about this for a moment, then nodded. “I guess you’re right.”
It took me what seemed like forever to start breathing again. To stop crying. To get myself under control. When I did, they loaded me back into the van and we sped off again.
“Was that the last test?” I croaked.
Ollie looked at me in the rearview mirror.
“No, Princess,” he said. “That’s just the beginning.”
The van parked down the street from my apartment building. I’d get the car tomorrow. I was too emotional to drive tonight.
“You did good today,” Jeff said. “I knew it the first time I saw you that you were destined to be one of the RATZ. You proved me right.”
He held out his hand, and I took it.
At first, he seemed smarmy, but he was starting to grow on me.
“Welcome,” he said, giving my hand a little squeeze.
I squeezed it back.
“Thanks.”
“I’ll walk her to the door,” Ollie said, climbing out of the truck and slamming the door behind him.
Able patted me on the shoulder.
“See you tomorrow, my friend,” he said.
“Yeah, be sure to shout me out in the hallway,” Jean added.
This sent her and Able into a fit of laughter. I was sure it was an inside joke I wasn’t a part of, so I just let it go.
Ollie slid the van door open, and I climbed out. He shut it behind me and we slowly walked to my apartment.
“Do all of the RATZ have to go through that?” I asked.
He nodded. “Every single one of them.”
“Were they all as scared as me?”
“Oh yeah,” he said. “I think Jeff cried. Jean might have peed herself.”
“And you?”
His eyes slid to me, then back to the sidewalk.
“I climbed up there, did my tag, and climbed down. Easy as pie.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re lying.”
He sniffled. “Maybe. Maybe not.” He playfully pushed me. I pushed him back.
“Is that what you’re most afraid of? Heights?”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“So, what are you afraid of?”
He shrugged. “Nothing comes to mind.”
“Will you stop that?”
“Stop what?”
“Stop with this Mr. Cool routine. Stop acting like nothing shakes you.”
“What makes you think it’s an act?”
“It has to be. Everyone is afraid of something.”
He shook his head. “Nah. There’s only fear if you have something to lose.”
“And you don’t?”
He pulled at his coat sleeve.
“Besides my favorite coat. Not a thing.”
“You make it sound like you’re a loner.”
“So?”
“So, I don’t believe it. You have your friends. Your brother. Your family.”
“Just because you get a bunch of loners together, doesn’t make them any less alone.”
We stopped in front of my building and I turned to him. For a moment, I saw something in his eyes. A vulnerability. Sadness. Some darkness that made me want to pull him into a hug and never let go. But I didn’t. Because I knew he wouldn’t want me to.
He jerked his head up at my building.
“This is you?”
I nodded.
“Must be nice.”
“Yeah. It is.” The way he said it made me think that where he lived was not as nice. “Yours must be nice too. Do you live close?”
He shook his head and looked back in the direction of the van. “Nah. Not around here.”
“Like, not in the neighborhood? Not in the city? Not in the state?”
“Look, I got to go,” he said. His eyes never returned to me, and, for some reason, it made me feel like I was here alone instead of with him. I wish he’d look at me again. “See you around, Princess.”
Then he turned and quickly marched away.
I wanted to call after him. To ask if he’d be in school tomorrow. To ask where he lived. To ask why he felt so alone.
But I didn't do any of those things. I simply walked back into the building, took the elevator upstairs, and snuck back into my room, with questions circling my mind.
24
Andrew agreed to meet me at Bella’s apartment for a small get-together the following night. Surprisingly, I wasn’t a bundle of nerves.
Bella
and Cole had their peculiarities. They loved retro music, trivia, board games, and blockbuster movies. But, Bella was one of my oldest friends, and Cole knew how to play it cool.
Plus, I was feeling a little bit braver since my near-death experience last night. And so, I dolled up as best as I could and made my way downstairs to Bella’s apartment.
When Andrew showed up, I opened the door and greeted him with a smile.
“Andrew. I’m glad you could make it.”
It felt like I should’ve hugged him or something, but at the same time, the thought of hugging him when I wasn’t sure he wanted to hug me made me feel awkward. Instead, I stepped back and opened the door to Bella’s apartment wide enough for him to walk through.
“Thanks. This building is nice. I don’t come down this way too often unless I’m going to school.”
“Do you live close?” I asked.
He shook his head. “SoHo. Closer to Eric, actually.”
“Oh.” I nodded and led him deeper into the apartment.
“President Johnson!” Cole called. “Welcome.”
I cringed. So much for not being embarrassing.
“Cole, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And Bella,” Bella said with a big smile.
“Yes. You I remember. My inside men, eh, man and woman.”
“Yes, sir. Welcome to my humble abode.”
Andrew looked around the apartment. It was smaller than Eric’s and way smaller than mine and Ariel’s. But it was still far from cramped. Plus, there was something about the modern, country feel of it that made it homey.
“Nice place you have here,” he said.
“Thanks. It’s just me, my dad, and Mojo.” She scratched the small, brown dog in Cole’s lap behind its ears.
Andrew and I sat on one of the two couches in the room. He kept a respectable distance from me. Our knees didn’t touch, though I could feel the heat of his leg next to mine. This was why I liked Andrew. He was a gentleman. A guy with a future.
And he didn’t paint on walls.
“Pizza’s on the way,” Bella said. “I was thinking we could start off with a game. Have you ever played, never have I ever?”
The question was directed toward Andrew.
He looked at me, then rubbed his hands on his knees.
“No. How do you play?”
“Well, we each go around asking a question. If you answer yes, you take a drink. If you answer no, then you don’t take a drink. The person who finishes their drink first loses.”