by Seven Steps
Andrew’s brows furrowed. “So, this is a drinking game?”
“We play with water,” Bella said. “Or soda if you prefer.” She held up her water bottle and shook it. Andrew sagged with relief. I did too.
I’d never had a drink in my life, and to have it in front of Andrew would be embarrassing. What if I didn’t like the taste? What if I threw up?
On the coffee table in front of us were chips, salsa, and water bottles. I picked up a water bottle and tried to mentally prepare myself for what was coming next.
“Everybody ready?” Cole asked. We all nodded. “I’ll go first. Never have I ever killed a man.”
Cole raised his bottle to his lips. I started to laugh, but Andrew’s body went visibly rigid.
“Babe, really?” Bella playfully slapped his chest with the back of her hand.
Cole grinned mischievously.
“Sorry,” he said. “Just trying to liven things up.”
“So that’s a no, right?” Andrew asked. “You didn’t drink, so that’s a no.”
“Cole hasn’t killed anyone,” she said. “He just likes telling really bad jokes and far flung stories.”
“Fine,” Cole said. “You go.”
“Okay,” Bella said. “Never have I ever snuck out of my apartment at night.”
Bella, Cole, and I all took a sip of water.
Andrew did not.
I didn’t miss the frown in his eyes. It made me feel like I was some sort of degenerate. I wondered what he’d think if he’d known what I was up to yesterday.
“Okay. My turn,” he said. “Never have I ever cheated on a test.”
None of us drank. Then, it was my turn.
“Never have I ever gone to a wild party.”
Both Bella and Cole took a drink.
Andrew and I did not.
“At this rate, I’m going to be out before the pizza gets here,” Bella said. “Cole, ask something good.”
“Fine. Never have I ever fallen in love.”
Both him and Bella took a sip, then smiled at each other with such warmth that it made me yearn to look at someone like that one day. I didn’t have the guts to look over at Andrew.
“Okay. Back to me,” Andrew said. “Never have I ever broken up with someone via text.”
Cole took a sip.
“Seriously?” Bella asked.
“What? It was before we got together.”
“Breaking up with someone via text is a cowardly thing to do.”
“Well, she was kind of a scary girl. I also called out sick from school for a week. Just to be safe.”
“You are ridiculous.” Bella shook her head. “Jasmine, it’s your turn.”
“Okay. Never have I ever watched life come into the world.”
Bella took a sip. “Cows, horses, and every other farm animal you can think of,” she said.
I looked at Andrew’s and my water bottles. They were both full, while Bella’s was half gone. Cole was a little more than half.
This was starting to be embarrassing. Every question where I didn’t drink, and Bella and Cole did, made me feel like I’d missed out on a little part of life. Well, except the killing a man question.
“Never have I watched life go out of the world,” Cole said.
Both he and Bella sipped their drinks and I knew they were talking about their moms.
The questions rolled around and around and, before long, the pizza had arrived, and Bella’s and Cole’s water bottles were empty while mine and Andrew’s barely moved. Mine was a little lower than his. I guess there was some victory in that, though it didn’t feel like it.
“I guess that means we won,” Andrew said. He reached out to slap me five.
I complied.
Not only had we barely taken a drink we’d won via tie. It was supposed to be a big moment, but it just made me feel like a huge loser.
“Looks like we’re going to outlive everyone here,” Andrew said. “They’ll be out doing the dangerous stuff, and we’ll be living a safe, comfortable life. Kind of poetic, isn’t it?”
I smiled tightly.
Poetic, or sad?
I remembered when the car almost hit me the night of the Winter Formal, and my life flashed before my eyes. Nothing exciting had happened in the vision. And now that we were playing this game, I realized nothing exciting was ever going to happen to me if I didn’t let go and let it happen.
Like I did yesterday.
Last night’s antics were the wildest things I’d ever done, and even though they were dangerous, I didn’t regret them. I’d woken up this morning anxious to paint what I saw. Cars zooming by below me, lights flashing, chilly colors, streaks of red for my adrenaline.
It was almost magical, and I realized, there and then, that I didn’t want safe.
I wanted more.
I wanted excitement.
And, judging by the picture I’d done that morning, my art wanted more too.
“Are you okay, Jasmine?” Andrew asked.
I blinked, then nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine. Sorry. I’m just a little tired.”
I squeezed my lips together, wanting to keep it at that.
But something nagged me.
Could Andrew want more too? Could he need a little more excitement in his life?
Maybe all he needed was a little push.
Ollie was my push.
Maybe I could be Andrew’s?
“So, I was thinking about going to Ronnie Garrison’s party,” I said. “Have you ever been?”
He replied without thinking about it. “Me? No. I wouldn’t be caught dead at those things.”
And there went my idea.
“Were you planning on going?” he asked. “I mean, if you want to go, I can try it out. I’m not averse to parties, but his get kind of wild.”
I forced a smile.
“Yes, I was planning to go.”
He looked a bit uncomfortable. I could tell he was fighting the tendency to tell me how he really felt. I’d fought that same tendency myself.
“Don’t you need a ticket to get in?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Yeah. Cole scored me two of them.”
He nodded slowly. “Well, if you’re going, I guess I’m going too.” He tried, and failed, to sound enthusiastic. My gut reaction was to tell him he didn’t have to, but really, I wanted him to come with me. I’d liked Andrew for so long that to go to a party with him, to dance with him, it made me warm all over.
I didn’t want to push him, but I really did want to go to this party with him, so I didn’t not push him either.
“Great. Maybe we can meet up here at ten.”
“At night?”
“Yeah.”
“I have a midnight curfew,” he replied.
I nodded and took a sip of water. “Well, I can promise you will be home before curfew.”
Two hours at a Ronnie Garrison party should be more than enough. I’d never been to a real party, so I had a feeling it wouldn’t take long to tire me out.
“Great.”
His lack of enthusiasm bothered me.
Ever since last night, I felt like I wanted to try new things. I wanted to feel the rush of excitement at trying something new. Would Andrew hold me back from doing that? Would he want me to stay the same person he’d met, or would he want me to grow?
I pondered the question as Mr. Seba, the doorman, called over the intercom that the pizza had arrived. It gave me an excuse to take my place on the couch and to gather my emotions.
What was with me lately? I was thinking all these thoughts I’d never thought before. It was confusing and scary and thrilling all at once, and I had no idea how to keep myself calm and poised while my mind was running so wild.
Cole and Andrew went down to grab the pizzas, while I helped Bella clear off the table. When the boys re-appeared, we dove into the pizza and ate with gusto.
Or maybe I just ate with gusto? I really had a thing for veggie pizza.
; “So, do you want to tell them what’s on the movie agenda tonight?” Bella asked Cole. She dabbed her napkin on her mouth, soaking up the excess grease.
Cole opened his arms wide with his usual flourish. “Of course. We were going to pick something epic like Armageddon or Back to the Future, but in honor of our more distinguished guest, we thought we’d go with something more mature. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you, a classic film directed by the great Howard Hawks titled Bringing up Baby.”
“I’ve never heard of that movie,” Andrew said.
“Not surprising, since it came out seventy-three years before your presidency.” Bella and Cole laughed, while Andrew stared at them blankly.
Cole cleared his throat.
“That was a president joke,” he stuttered. “Because you’re, uh, named after an, uh, president. Let’s start the movie, shall we?”
He pressed play and a black and white movie began to play.
Bella looked over her shoulder at me and winked.
It was a nice gesture, but somehow, it almost felt insulting. Like I was boring. Out of touch.
Not that I could blame her. I always told her I hated her movie choices. She probably thought an older movie would be more to my taste. It probably would have, if I wasn’t having such an existential crisis.
But watching a blockbuster movie sounded fun right about now.
I don’t know what had come over me. Ever since last night I felt so… so… different. Like I craved something different. Something… more.
Andrew leaned back on the couch, laughing his head off at the movie. I leaned back too, with my mind spinning.
I didn’t want to be boring.
I wanted excitement in my life. Some sort of thrill. I wanted to have fond memories of my life if it ever flashed before my eyes again. I wanted more. I wanted to feel something besides tedium.
I wanted to ride a roller coaster.
I wanted to do something out of the ordinary.
I wanted to try coffee!
And I wanted to go to the dance and have fun.
The credits started to roll and Andrew turned to me with a smile. “So, did you like the movie?”
“Yes,” I lied. I’d barely watched the movie at all. “It was great.”
“Your friends really know who you are. That was probably the most sophisticated, distinguished, intriguing movie I’ve ever seen.”
Was it? I should have paid better attention.
“It’s just like you.” His eyes warmed, but, surprisingly, I didn’t feel the same warmth crawl through me. Now, I just felt ashamed that my life was reduced to a black and white movie. And not even one in a movie theater. I hadn’t even left my own building. That was lame. Lame, lame, lame.
“Sorry,” Andrew said. “I’m being too forward.”
“No,” I replied. “No, not at all. I appreciate the compliment. I’m just tired. It’s been a really long day.”
And it would be an even longer night.
I peeked at the clock on Bella’s mantle. It was nine-ten. That meant I had fifty minutes to change and sneak out of the house before my parents knew I was gone.
Just the thought of it sent a rush through me.
Too bad I couldn’t tell anyone else.
“Maybe I should start heading out,” Andrew said. “I’ll ask my driver to come pick me up.”
“I’ll walk you downstairs,” I said.
He turned to Bella and Cole and pressed his palms together, giving them a slight bow. “Bella and Cole, it’s been a pleasure.”
Just like Andrew. Totally classy.
“Thanks for coming,” Bella said. “You’re welcome here any time.”
Andrew turned to the door, and Bella gave me a thumbs-up before I followed him out.
We didn’t speak again until we were alone in the hallway.
“Your friends are really nice,” Andrew said.
“Thanks. Do you have a lot of friends?”
He shrugged. “Not a ton. I try to keep my circle tight, you know. F.E.W. guys mostly. Sometimes people only want to be friends with you for what you can do for them. I want to make sure I trust everyone in my inner circle.” He turned to me. “And I want you to be part of that inner circle, Jasmine.”
My stomach clenched. Andrew was a great guy. Calm, charming, an excellent dresser, sweet, and laid back. Any girl would be lucky to have a boy like him on their arm.
And he wanted me. I could see it in the way his blue eyes sparkled when they looked into mine. To feel so wanted by a boy I’d liked for so long was magical.
I smiled at him.
He smiled back.
He held out his hand for a shake.
I slipped my hand into his, enjoying its warmth and his strong grip. Then, with cat like reflexes, he raised my hand and kissed the back of my knuckles.
My cheeks flushed, and my breath quickened. Standing on these stairs with Andrew by my side in full dashing mode, I felt like Cinderella standing next to her prince. All I needed was a shoe and a few mice.
He offered me his arm and escorted me down the stairs.
Yup. This must’ve been what royalty felt like.
Mr. Seba looked up from his newspaper and grinned at us.
“Good evening, young people,” he said. His Jamaican accent made his words sound melodic and lyrical. Like he was singing them instead of saying them. “Heading out, young sir?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Please, come back and visit us again. We’re one of the finest buildings in Manhattan, filled with the finest youths in the world, including this young lady here. A good family, and a sweet girl.”
I blushed and dipped my head,
“Thank you, Mr. Seba.”
“I only speak the truth,” he said.
His eyes stayed upon us as we walked out of the lobby and into the cold night. Andrew’s limo waited for him in front of the building. Good thing too. It was freezing out here and I wasn’t wearing a jacket.
“This has been fun,” Andrew said. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can eat lunch together?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
We stood awkwardly staring at each other, neither one of us sure whether to hug or hand shake or jump up and down on one leg. We settled on awkward waves before Andrew climbed into his limo and drove off into the night.
He was a good guy, and I was happy he’d let me into his circle, though I wasn’t sure what that meant. Would I have to continue to pretend I was going to med school? Would Andrew be disappointed if he knew the real me? Would his father accept me?
I ran my hands up and down my arms and shivered. Turning, I jogged back into the warm building, waving goodbye to Mr. Seba as I climbed into the elevator. His shift was almost up, which was a good thing, because I was about to head out on my next adventure.
25
On Sunday, my body had decided to catch up on all the sleep it’d lost during the past week. When I opened my eyes, it was already noon.
Noon.
I was usually an early riser. I can’t remember when the last time I slept past eight o’clock was. But with all the things going on in my life with the RATZ, the mural, and everything else my body needed some major recoup time.
Raja licked at his golden tail, and I gave him a little scratch before I sat up and stretched. Weak winter sunlight filtered through flower curtains. The flowers were the same ones from Van Gough’s Irises. Everything in my room had an artistic origin. The walls and ceilings were a mural of Dance at Le Moulin de la Galette by Renoir. Classic art prints of my favorite paintings hung on the walls. The stair step shelves were each hand painted with titles of famous painters. Munch, Monet, Picasso, and of course Van Gough and Devinta Holly. I’d painted my bookcase with my own version of The Starry Night. It wasn’t the most matched room in the world, but it was my room and it reflected who I was on the inside.
“Really? In the newspaper? Don’t you have any discretion?”
Mom’s screaming voice carried i
nto my bedroom.
That could only mean one thing. The arguing had started up again.
Was there any hope for my parents? If two people hated each other that much, should they still live together? Was this yelling their way of trying to work it out, or was it their marriage dying a slow, very loud death?
I tried to imagine what it would be like if my parents separated.
Who would I live with? My mom or my dad? What about my brothers? Would I ever see them again? Would I have to change schools? Change states? Change countries? Would they remarry? Would I like my new stepmom or dad?
I hugged my knees to my chest.
I didn’t want to be a child of divorce. I wanted my parents to stay together. To stop screaming at each other and start listening so they could work it out. I wanted them to fight to bring our family back together. But I had a feeling that our family would never be back together. We’d forever be separated, left with only our memories of happier times.
A single tear escaped my eye. Then another. And another. They fell so hard and fast that they soaked the front of my shirt. My family was exploding. What did it all mean? What would happen to us? And, if my parents couldn’t stay in love, would that mean I couldn’t either? How would I know what true love looked like if my parents never showed me?
Raja bumped his head onto my arm, and I held him tight.
I felt sick. Weak. Helpless.
Parents think the things they do don’t affect their children. But it does. Every fight, every hurled word, every insult, every accusation didn’t just affect my parents. I heard it. I saw it. I felt it. The words rooted into my heart. Imprinted themselves on my psyche. I’d dream about them sometimes. As the tension in my home grew, the tension in me grew too. It felt like I was rotting from the inside. My parents’ misery was a green cloud, drifting through my door and wrapping around me. Making my mind go wild and my stomach turn.
Why couldn’t they see that what they did affected everyone else? Why couldn’t they see they were hurting me?
I wiped my eyes with the palm of my hand. There would be no use of going out into the living room now. I would just hear more things I couldn’t unhear. See more things I couldn’t unsee. Instead, I did what I did best.