by Seven Steps
Stayed quiet and out of their way.
I got dressed and, for the rest of the day, lost myself in the only place my parents’ tensions couldn’t reach me. The only place where I could be free of them.
Art was my refuge now. My family. My friend.
I cranked up my music, picked up my paintbrush, and got to work.
26
I spent all day avoiding my parents and finishing up my and my friends’ masks for Ronnie’s costume party tonight.
A mask decorated with yellow daisies for Bella, because she was sweet.
Red roses for Ariel, because she had some spikes to her.
Blue chrysanthemums for Purity because they were edible, and she was always talking about food and catering.
And green milkweed vine for Sophia. I liked the star shape and the middle looked like a diamond. It suited her.
To say I was excited was an understatement. I’d wanted to go to one of Ronnie’s parties since I found out about them on freshman year, and now I was finally going with my friends. And with Andrew.
At nine o’clock we jumped in Eric’s suburban, which was just big enough to fit all eight of us. He pumped up the radio and we pulled away from the curb, toward Brooklyn where the party was being held.
As we drove, I couldn’t help but wonder what the RATZ were doing tonight. Were they tagging something? Last night we tagged another alleyway wall. Well, I tagged while everyone else watched. I got the feeling this was some sort of a test I was working my way through, but that didn’t matter. I liked the tagging. It was exhilarating and fun.
Andrew’s hand went to my knee.
I didn’t have to wonder what he’d think of me tagging alley walls.
A little over a half an hour later, we pulled up outside of a warehouse in Brooklyn near the waterfront. Despite the cold weather, people spilled out from every door. They sat in the windows. Huddled next to cars. Gathered in small groups. I heard the music from the parking lot and was the first one to jump out of the truck, get my hand stamped, and step through the door.
Multicolored lights waved and spiraled above me. The music was so loud I felt it shake my rib cage. Bodies stuffed the giant dance floor. Girls in slinky gold dresses and guys dressed in all black with capes. They circled and twisted around each other, their mask the only distance between them.
I stood on the edge of the dance floor, staring at the scene before me. Smelling the perfume and sweat. Hearing the music. Watching a building full of teenagers vibrating with life and electricity.
I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to step onto the dance floor and let go of everything that had ever held me down. Every weight, every moment of doubt, every pain. I needed to leave it all out on the dance floor.
I stepped one heeled foot on the wood floor. Then another. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of the crowd, hands in the air, smiling, dancing, and singing along with the beat.
I never thought of myself as a party girl, but this was definitely something I could get used to.
I was three songs into my one-woman party when Andrew found me.
“There you are. You just ran off.” It sounded more like a chide than anything else, and a little joy seeped out of me. “We’re supposed to stay together,” he said.
I could see his point, but somehow it still stung. Like I’d done something wrong. All I’d done was dance.
“Do you want to go grab some drinks and something to eat?” he asked.
Food? How could he think of food when music was blasting, and the sweat was flying?
“Um, I think I’m good.”
He frowned. “Jasmine, it’s really loud. Maybe we should move away from the speaker.”
I felt my face tense.
“I’m okay. Really. Why don’t you go grab a few snacks?”
“Without you?” He looked genuinely confused. Like I’d started speaking a foreign language.
“I’ll meet you over there.”
The song changed. It was one of my favorites. God, I just wanted to dance, not babysit Andrew all night.
But then, the guilt kicked in. Andrew was supposed to be my dream guy, wasn’t he? I should’ve been grateful he showed up at all. I should have been kinder to him. More patient.
I sighed.
And so, even though one of my favorite songs came on, and I wanted to dance, and I wasn’t hungry or thirsty, I accepted Andrew’s hand as he led me through the crowd.
I tried not to be irritated with him.
We ordered some French fries and waters and sat at one of the dozens of couches that were placed around the perimeter of the dance floor. Andrew poured ketchup on my fries first, then his.
“It’s crazy in here, isn’t it?” he asked.
I nodded and shoved a fry in my mouth.
Yes, Andrew. It’s crazy in here. Good thing we’re sitting on the couch.
“I can see why people are outside. You can barely hear yourself think.”
I swallowed my fry. “Isn’t that the point, though? To not think?”
He looked at me quizzically. “Why would you want to do that?”
“To just let loose. You know, relax?”
“Who can relax in here?” he asked, gesturing around him. “It’s chaos. I hope none of these kids are planning on running for any public office any time soon. They’re just begging for some unsavory photos to be released.”
“Is that what you’re thinking about right now? Public office?”
He looked at me in surprise. That was when I realized I’d yelled at him.
Oh no. Why would I yell at him like that?
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so excited.”
He put up his hands. “It’s fine. You just got caught up in the craziness of this place, I guess. Completely understandable. I mean, who wouldn’t lose it in here? The music alone could drive you nuts.”
We finished our fries and water, but we didn’t move from the table.
“Are you sure you don’t want to dance?” I asked, my voice on the verge of pleading.
He waved my words away. “It’s so hot over there. Everyone is so sweaty and close. Don’t you want to people watch? Dig up some dirt on the St. Mary’s Academy student body?”
I squeezed my lips together and proceeded to sit across from Andrew and watch other kids having fun. With every passing song my mood felt like it was swirling faster and faster around a drain pipe. I didn’t come here to sit. I came here to have fun.
Ronnie’s parties were a big deal, at least for me. And now that I was finally here, I couldn’t even enjoy it. I briefly thought of just running off, but then I dismissed the idea. I couldn’t leave Andrew by himself. He’d think I was rude. And I didn’t want him to think that because I liked Andrew, and I wanted him to like me too.
Still, no matter how much I liked him, it was still hard to swallow my frustration.
The music stopped, and the DJ/MC began yelling into the microphone.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. The infamous Ronnie Garrison is proud to bring to you the hottest group to ever grace the stage. You’ll soon be hearing them on your radio. On your phones. On your computers. This group is so hot, you’ll be hearing them in your dreams. And now, without further ado, I give to you, Blue Persia!”
Blue Persia? That was Cole’s band.
So that was where my friends had gone to. I thought they were just partying, but they were preparing for a show. Why didn’t they tell me?
I jumped up, leaving Andrew behind, and pushed my way through the crowd as the opening chords rang out to a hot new pop song that had been playing nonstop on every radio station lately.
Cole rocked out on the guitar, while Bella sang backup and Sophia sang lead.
Bella’s voice was good, but Sophia’s voice was gorgeous. Soulful and full of emotion. When she said she could sing, I didn’t think she meant she was this good. She was amazing.
The crowd caught on quick and began clapping and jumping. I pus
hed my way to the front of the stage and I found Ariel, Eric, and Purity.
I didn’t know how much I missed them until just then.
Ariel bumped me with her hip. “Having fun?”
I shook my head. She looked at me in confusion, but I cut off her line of questions with a question of my own.
“Did you know they were performing?” I asked.
“No. Did you?”
“No. I guess it was a secret.”
“Yeah. Some secret.”
They broke into the chorus, and the crowd jumped up and down singing along.
I sang along too.
Finally freed of my table prison, I danced alongside my friends, feeling my happiness return in full force. This was why I was here. To have fun. And now that I was finally having fun, it felt glorious. Halfway through the song, Purity climbed onto the stage and started dancing next to Cole, who was jamming away on the guitar. Ariel followed him, singing into the mic next to Bella, leaving Eric and me to continue our party session in the front.
I thought the song was over, but they moved seamlessly into another song. A rap this time. The crowd exploded, stamping their feet and singing their heads off. Who knew Sophia could rap too.
Ever the rap fan, Eric climbed on stage and started to rap along, not in a microphone of course. Ariel ran over to him and they started dancing together.
The crowd went crazy. The captain of the swim team and the ex-quarterback were dancing like superstars in front of everyone. It was nuts!
I wanted to join them on stage, but I was nervous. I couldn’t dance as well as Eric and Ariel. I didn’t have natural grace like Purity, and I wasn’t a good singer like Bella and Sophia. I couldn’t even play an instrument. What would I do up there? How would people see me?
“Don’t you want to dance, Princess?”
I knew that voice. I whipped around to find a tall boy dressed in all black with an elaborate mask looking down at me. He pulled his mask up, revealing Ollie’s face.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
He gave me an almost grin. Something that said he was enjoying life at this very second.
“Same reason as everyone else. I’m here to party.”
I scoffed. “Figures.”
“Don’t you want to dance?”
“If you hadn’t noticed, I am dancing.”
“No. I meant dance with your friends.”
“On stage?”
“Why not?”
“Um, because it’s on stage in front of everyone.”
“So, what?”
I rolled my eyes. “Ollie, I can’t just—”
Before I could protest further, he pulled his mask back into place, grabbed my hand, and proceeded to pull me toward the stage steps. “Let’s go.”
“Ollie, stop. No.”
He stopped pulling me long enough to turn to me.
“You wanted painting lessons? Well, here’s lesson number one. Let go.”
“What does that mean?”
“Just let go. Stop thinking about what other people think or want or feel. Just be yourself and let go.”
“But… but…”
“Do you want to be a better painter or not?”
I gazed at him with intense eyes. “You know I do.”
“Then get up there, stop thinking so much, and let go.”
“But—”
He pointed to the stage. “Go.”
Well, what was I supposed to do? Ollie was blocking the way back. The only way available was forward. Onto the stage. In front of the entire school. Nerves clawed at my gut, and I climbed two steps, then turned around.
“I can’t,” I said.
I needed someone to guide me. To hold my hand. To help me gently step out of my comfort zone instead of throwing me out head first.
“You climbed a highway sign. You can do this.” He lifted his mask and looked at me, his expression unreadable. “I’ll be right here, Princess. Go.”
He was right. I had just tagged a highway sign. Maybe shaking my butt in front of the whole school wouldn’t be so bad?
I bit my lip, looking between Ollie and the stage. My friends were up there having the time of their lives.
I wanted to have the time of my life too.
Throwing caution into the wind, I ran up the stairs and joined Bella on backup vocals on the next song. Sure, my voice wasn’t the best, and my dancing was a little stiff. But with how loud the crowd was and how they vibrated the floor, I don’t think anyone cared.
We sang and danced and jumped around like real rock stars. By the time the five-song set was over, the crowd was all adrenaline and energy.
We dropped our microphones and instruments onto the stage floor, did a quick bow, and ran off.
Then, the DJ started playing again, and everyone danced harder than they had before.
“That was incredible!” I cried. “Did you hear the crowd? They loved us.”
“I can’t believe you got up on stage,” Bella said. “I never thought you’d do that in a million years.”
“What can I say? I finally decided to let go a little,” I said. Then, I turned to Sophia. “Soph, you sound amazing!”
She dabbed her forehead with a red cloth. “Thanks.”
“When did you learn to sing like that?”
She shrugged. “Church mostly. And Beyoncé.”
“If you guys perform at the Battle of the Bands like you performed tonight, you’ll be unstoppable.”
“Totally,” Cole said. “There’s just one caveat.”
“What?” Purity asked.
“We need you all on stage.”
My heart lurched. “What?”
“I was watching the crowd. The extra dancers and singers really pumped them up. You guys are like our hype man. You have to perform with us at Battle of the Bands.”
Sophia snapped her fingers. “We can give them a dance routine.”
“I can choreograph,” Ariel said.
“I’m in,” Purity said. “I’m so ready for my fifteen minutes of fame.” She looked at me. “What about you, J? Ready to conquer the stage with Blue Persia?”
I swallowed. A choreographed routine? Singing backup on stage during a real show?
I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. But with my friends looking at me, and after my performance a few minutes ago, I couldn’t refuse. I remembered Ollie’s words. Just let go of all your fears.
So, I did. I let go.
“Sure. I’ll be backup.”
Everyone cheered.
“Great! We can start rehearsals on Monday.”
The conversations splintered into smaller talks about choreography, more costuming and rehearsal time. Meanwhile, my head was spinning.
School. Painting. The RATZ. And now show rehearsal. When would I have time to think?
When would I have time to eat?
When would I have time to paint?
I squared myself. I could do this. Sure, I wouldn’t have any time to sleep. Or eat. Or maybe go to the bathroom. But if I wanted to continue to improve, I had to make some hard choices. And this was one of them. I straightened my shoulders.
Battle of the Bands was next Friday. The same day the mural was due.
After that, I could get all the sleep I wanted.
Until then, I was going to enjoy playing the part of a rock star.
27
I dreaded Monday.
Last night, we’d gotten home around three in the morning. Three hours prior to that, Andrew had taken a cab home so he wouldn’t miss curfew. I didn’t even know where he’d gone until I got back into the car and read his text message. There was no reception in the building where we were.
I felt terrible that he had to get a ride home like that. I’d dragged Andrew there, and not only did he have a terrible time, he’d taken a cab home. He must’ve thought I was a total flake.
I yawned against my locker. I’d slept less than two hours. When the alarm went off, I wanted to hit it with a sled
gehammer. I told Bella and Ariel to go ahead without me and drove instead.
I could barely keep my eyes open. I was exhausted. How was it possible to feel both like crap and, at the same time, like a goddess? I’d had the best time ever last night and, even though it didn’t end well for Andrew, I didn’t regret it. If I could go back again tonight, I would. Sans Andrew, of course.
“Wow, you look different,” Sophia said to me as she, Bella, Purity, and Ariel walked up to my locker.
I yawned again. “Different like how?”
Her eyes swept over me. “Just different.”
“What does that mean? Did I sprout a second head this morning or something?”
“You’re not wearing makeup,” Purity blurted out. “You always wear makeup.”
I touched my face, my heart going into full panic mode. I wasn’t wearing makeup? Crap! I’d been so tired this morning that I took a superfast shower and sprinted out the door. Now I was here with a naked face and bags under my eyes.
This couldn’t be happening. Not today.
“I dig it, though,” Sophia said. “You have great skin, good cheekbones. And natural lips suit you.”
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know I look like crap.”
Sophia put her hand on my shoulder. “No. If you looked like crap, I would have dragged you into the girls’ locker room and given you an emergency makeover. You look great. In fact, I think I prefer this look.”
“You mean thrown on clothes, messy bun, and naked face?”
She shrugged. “You don’t always have to look like you have an Instagram filter on, J. It’s fine. You look fine. See?”
She pulled out a mirror from her purse and showed me my reflection.
Normally it took me at least thirty minutes to do hair and makeup in the morning. It used to take me an hour, but I’d gotten it down to a science in the last few months.
Now, seeing myself with this different look made me feel exposed. Like I was revealing a part of myself I hadn’t intended people to see.
It was nerve-wrecking.
“See?” Purity said. “You look great.”
I glanced at them again before re-examining myself in the mirror. My brows were a little thin and my lips could use some gloss. A little mascara wouldn’t kill me either. But, it wasn’t the worst look. That award went to the braces I had in third grade.