St Mary's Academy Series Box Set 1

by Seven Steps

  “Joe, I can’t.”

  His brows shot up. “You can’t what?”

  “I can’t be your secret girlfriend.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because you deserve a real girlfriend. One without a psycho mom and a crazy cousin.”

  “But I don’t want that. I want you.”

  I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him anymore. If I did, then what I had to do would be impossible.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Wait. Sophia, please.”

  “Goodbye, Joe.”

  I stood up with some power that I didn’t know I had.

  “Goodbye? What do you mean goodbye?”

  I walked toward the elevator, tears streaming down my face.

  He grabbed me right before I made it and dragged me into his arms, kissing me with all that he had.

  My body immediately wanted to melt into him, but my mind warned me it would just make things harder.

  I allowed myself exactly five seconds of him. Five seconds to imprint the feel of his lips onto my brain. The crush of his arms. The way he smelled like Irish Spring soap.

  Goodbyes were hard, but this one was like a sword to the gut.

  I pushed away from him and ran inside the elevator while I still had the will.

  “Wait. Sophia!”

  I turned just as the doors closed. In the small crack I saw Joe running toward me.

  I was standing in place.

  And he was getting farther and farther away.

  My heart shattered, and I sank to the floor, drowning in my tears.

  45

  I pulled up to my door, tears in my eyes, duffle bag in hand, disgrace written all over my face.

  I’d tried to run away, and I couldn’t even do that right. I’d run to a man who couldn’t care less about me.

  I laughed bitterly, and I put my key in the door.

  It wouldn’t go.

  I tried again with the same result.

  I growled in frustration.

  Mom had changed the locks on me? Really?

  I wanted to beat my head against the door until it was a bloody stump. If I had somewhere to go, I’d be out of here so fast her head would spin. But I didn’t have any place to go.

  And so, I knocked and hung my head in shame.

  I didn’t want to see her.

  I didn’t want to see Quincey either.

  I just wanted to sit into my room and wait there until the moving trucks came.

  Mom answered on the third knock.

  “Yes?” she asked.

  I rolled my eyes. “You changed the locks?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Why?”

  “I didn’t think you were coming back. You took your stuff with you, didn’t you? I figured you’d stay gone.”

  “That’s what you’d want, isn’t it? For me to stay gone. Then you wouldn’t have to deal with me.”

  “Is that what you think?”

  “That’s exactly what I think.”

  “Then maybe you should go.”

  I glared at her. “So, I’m just out on the street now? You want me to be homeless?”

  “You decided that when you walked out this door.”

  “I left because you were moving me away from everything I loved.”

  “And that is my right as a parent.”

  “Your right as a parent is to ruin my life?”

  “If I thought it would protect you, then yes.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Life is not fair.”

  Ugh. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rail at her. She was the one who’d been lying to me my entire life and now she was standing here like I was the problem in this relationship?

  It was completely insane.

  I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

  “Can I just come in, please?”

  Mom just stared at me. I took a good look at her face. She looked so worn out. So tired.

  Just like Joe had.

  She pushed the door open and let me inside.

  “Sophia, we have to talk about this. This house is in ruins.”

  “Mom, it’s fine. Everything is just fine.”

  I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to go to my room and go to sleep.

  “Why do you keep fighting me? Don’t you see that I’m trying to protect you?”

  “You’re trying to control me so I won’t end up like you. Newsflash, Mom, I’m not going to end up sixteen and pregnant just because you did!”

  Mom’s face went tight.

  I closed my mouth, shame washing over me. Did I just say that out loud? I’d been thinking it, but did I just say it out loud? To my mother? How could I say that out loud to her? How broken was I?

  I took a step back, ready for her to scream at me. To cast me out permanently. To tell me to leave and never come back.

  Instead, she just stared at me as if I were a ghost.

  “I can’t go on like this.” Her voice cracked, and she wiped away a tear.

  But I was still too angry to give her any sympathy. Where was the sympathy for me? What about what I wanted?

  I dropped my bag in the living room, my throat tight. It felt like there was no air in this house anymore.

  “I’m going to Bella’s,” I said shortly.

  “Is that really where you’re going?”

  “Yes, that is really where I’m going.”

  She looked at me, but her vision was unfocused. Like she was looking through me.

  “Do what you want, Sophia. You always do.”

  And then she walked away, locking herself in her room, and away from me.

  I lay back on Bella’s couch and took a long pull of ginger ale.

  “So,” Bella said. “In honor of our very accident-prone guest.” She gestured at me, and everyone laughed. Apparently, they’d all heard about the mountain bike story. “I have decided to theme this night around movies where one of the lead actors has an accident.”

  The room immediately revolted.

  “No.”

  “Boo!”

  “Hiss.”

  “Nerd!”

  Bella sulked.

  “Well, what else are we going to do?” she asked.

  “No movies,” Ollie said. “Do something else.”

  “Board games?”

  “Definitely not.”

  “Jigsaw puzzles?”

  “Who elected you as party planner?” Ollie asked.

  Bella scowled, snatched a pillow from the couch, and threw it at him.

  Someone turned on the television, and we channel surfed for a while, but nothing was on.

  “YouTube videos?” Bella said.

  “Stop suggesting things!” Ollie cried back.

  Those two had a serious love hate relationship. Well, more love.

  Eventually, Cole pulled out his guitar and started strumming some tunes. Ariel whooped and jumped up on the couch, dancing along.

  The beat picked up, and Bella started to sing along with Cole’s playing.

  Then Jasmine got up, forcing Ollie to dance with her. And once Ollie got up, Eric got up too. The two boys spun and dipped each other, and everyone died laughing.

  Eventually the music slowed down, and Cole and Bella got into some slower tunes. I watched as Ariel, Eric, Jasmine, and Ollie slow danced.

  Cole came and sat next to me and Purity on the couch.

  “So, how’s that singing voice coming along?” he asked, nudging my shoulder.

  I shrugged. “I haven’t sung since the camping trip.”

  “Come on. Not even in the shower?”

  I smiled. “Well, maybe in there.”

  “So, sing us something. You need the practice.”

  My heart lurched. “No. Definitely not.”

  “Come on, Soph.” He laid his head on my shoulder and pouted. “I need you back in the band. There’s been no one to fight with. Just me and my girlfriend making out like wild animals while calling it band practi
ce. It’s miserable.”

  Bella threw a pillow at him, but it went wide and landed behind the couch.

  “I don’t know, Cole. I’m still pretty shaken up about it.”

  “Okay. I have an idea.” He jerked his head at Eric. “Lights.”

  Eric made a face. “Lights?”

  “Yeah. All of them.”

  “You want me to turn off all the lights?”

  “Yes.”

  “Whoa,” I said, holding up my hands. “What are you doing?”

  Cole winked at me. “Taking away your fear.”

  “How are you going to do that?”

  “Well, you were afraid that people would laugh at you, right? But if you don’t see the people, you should be all right.”

  I sighed. “Cole.”

  “Come on. Trust me.”

  A moment later, the apartment was thrust into darkness.

  Someone made a ghost noise.

  I felt someone squeeze my hand but didn’t know who it was.

  “Okay. What do you want to sing?”

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered.

  “You can. You just have to believe that you can.”

  He strummed his guitar once. “Let’s do that song you sang at your audition for the band.”

  “You remember that?”

  “Soph, I’m a genius, remember? I remember everything… Ow. What was that for?”

  “You forgot our four-month anniversary, genius,” Bella answered.

  “Well, almost everything.”

  Cole’s fingers started to play the opening chords to Misery by Pink and Steve Tyler. I loved this song. But the thought of singing it in front of people made my heart speed up.

  The opening verse started, but my throat felt closed off and tight.

  The last time I sang, Joe was there. I had focused on him. But now he wasn’t here. What was I supposed to focus on now?

  Someone squeezed my hand.

  I swallowed. My gut filled with butterflies. It was dark, but I closed my eyes anyway, trying to pull some courage from somewhere deep within me.

  There were hands on my shoulders now. My friends crowded tight around me, sending me energy that flowed through my soul, strengthening me.

  I was afraid, but, somehow, I felt stronger too.

  More confident.

  These people believed in me.

  Maybe it was time to believe in myself.

  In a low voice, in the wrong key and without much strength behind it, I started to sing the opening verse.

  My mind conjured images of laughing faces. Mocking me.

  I’d been humiliated.

  The circle of friends around me grew tighter, and slowly, the terrible images faded away. As the song progressed, the laughing faces turned into smiles of love. Now it was no longer strangers in a crowd making fun of me. It was my friends, telling me I could do this. That they believed in me. That they loved me. It gave me the strength to go on. To release my true voice from the prison it’d been locked in.

  Cole took up the Steven Tyler lyrics, and together we allowed our voices to ring out, echoing through the darkened living room and high ceilings.

  It felt so good to release this piece of myself I’d kept hidden away for so long. It felt like I was finding my voice again, and, in that, I was finding myself.

  The song ended, and the lights turned on.

  And there they were. Seven smiling faces.

  It felt like I was finally coming home.

  “You sounded amazing,” Bella said. “Even better than before.”

  “I smell a band reunion,” Cole said. “What do you say?”

  I smiled. “Maybe. But, for now, let’s try another song.”

  46

  A week passed in a blur.

  Joe had disappeared from my life. He didn’t come to play rehearsals and I didn’t see him around the building. He didn’t text or call. It was like he was never here. At least that’s what my mind said. But my body knew it wasn’t true. I still felt his skin against mine. I still smelled his Irish Spring soap and felt his kisses on my lips. And my heart… my heart missed him. I missed talking to him and rehearsing with him. I missed cooking with him and dancing with him. I missed how he made everything fun and significant. Even something as boring as algebra.

  I missed everything about Joe. The evidence of that was in the tear stains on my pillow. The way it was impossible to focus. I couldn’t eat or sleep. It was like the world had suddenly lost its light.

  I moped around the house, barely speaking to anyone.

  Not that anyone noticed.

  Mom and Quincey seemed to have their own issues. I no longer came home to chess games. They didn’t talk about their day over dinner. There were no shopping bags filled with new goodies and the TV in the living room had been unplugged. Our house, once filled with talking and laughter, had turned to silence.

  I couldn’t help but wonder if it was my fault.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed the issue with my dad.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen for Joe.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have done a lot of things.

  But what was I supposed to do about it now? Everything was in shambles, and I had no way of fixing it.

  The sun rose on the Sunday morning, welcoming a new day.

  A new day of questions. Of my mind troubling me.

  Around eight thirty I heard the front door open and shut, signaling that my mom, and probably Quincey too, were leaving for church.

  I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet.

  Not that I could sleep. I’d been up thinking about my mom and Quincey and Joe all night.

  Just like every night.

  The sun peeked through the window, shining directly in my face.

  I growled and put my head under the covers.

  I wasn’t in a bright and shiny mood. I wanted to stay hiding in the dark, wallowing in my pain.

  My grief.

  But the sun glowed anyway. It seemed unrelenting today.

  Even when I closed my eyes, I could still see its shining orb.

  Almost like God himself was trying to force me awake.

  But why?

  I turned onto my stomach and closed my eyes, reveling in the darkness.

  And then, it happened.

  I had to pee.

  Bad.

  I growled.

  Why? Why? Why? Why was God tormenting me? Why couldn’t he just let me sleep?

  Irritated, I flipped the covers off me and walked to the bathroom. When I was done, I washed my hands, at the same time catching my reflection in the mirror.

  I looked tired.

  Exhausted.

  It was the same look I’d seen on Joe’s face, and on Mom’s.

  Weariness.

  We all looked worn out.

  I sighed.

  What was I doing?

  All this fighting was just stressing everyone out, making us tired and miserable.

  But what did that mean?

  How could it be fixed?

  I dried my hands on a towel and returned to my bed, staring at the ceiling.

  There was nothing I could do.

  Joe was who-knew-where, and Mom and Quincey had already left for church. Even if I wanted to go talk to them, I’d have to travel all the way across town to do it.

  I closed my eyes, searching myself for an answer.

  What did I want? What did I really want?

  It didn’t take me long to figure that out.

  I wanted Joe back in my life.

  And, though I hated to admit it sometimes, I wanted Mom and Quincey back in it too.

  Mom was a pain sometimes, and she got on my nerves more than I cared to admit. But she was still my mom, and I loved her, no matter how many times we fought. No matter how much we lied to each other. No matter how dysfunctional our relationship was. I wanted my mom back.

  But there was only one way to do that.

  I had to swallow my pride and go t
alk to her. Like, really talk to her. And listen.

  Just the thought of that was exhausting.

  Would she make our conversation into a fight? Would she want to talk to me? Would she frustrate me into silence? I didn’t know. But there was one thing I did know.

  I wanted to try.

  It was time to stop hiding in my darkness. To stop wallowing in the past and move into the future. It was time to fix things in my life.

  And the first way to do that was sitting in a small church across town.

  I sat up again and headed toward the closet. I’d have to find a dress.

  Honestly, I never thought I’d see the inside of Church on the Rock again.

  Yet, there I was, standing in the doorway while the congregation sang some song I’d heard a million times before.

  A red-carpet runner led to the stage, where a man in long, yellow robes conducted a choir. The congregation was packed today.

  I scanned the audience for my mom’s trademark black and white hat. There were several big white hats in the crowd, but I spotted hers by the red tipped feather on the right side.

  Historically, Mom only wore black or white to church, specifically so that she could wear this hat. It’d belonged to my grandmother and was the only hat of hers that’d survived the houseboat fire that nearly killed her. Mom took it when we left Louisiana and had been wearing it ever since.

  The hat was motionless now. Strange with the rest of the congregation clapping and bopping along with the choir.

  I cleared my throat.

  I wasn’t sure I was ready to do this. My mom and I had a long and difficult history, and our communication styles, at times, boarded on hostile. But she was still my mother. The only one I’d ever have. And if I was going to have any future at all, I was going to have to make things right with her. What we were doing now was like swimming against the tide. Difficult and exhausting. Maybe it was time to let the tide carry us along for a while.

  I walked to the front row where Mom sat. An empty seat was next to her. Quincey’s maybe. But I didn’t see him anywhere, so I sat in his place.

  I didn’t look at her at first. The music was making me emotional, and I didn’t want to cry. But then she took my hand, squeezing it tight.

  I finally turned my head, and my eyes glossed with tears.

  Hers were too.