Tom Collivander and the Order of the Thunderbird, A Potter Parody

by Jonathan Lockwood

  *

  December was rapidly approaching, the castle was getting colder and the grounds were covered in a thick layer of snow. So far, Tom had only used his cube of illusion to sneak into Hogswine on Tuesday evenings to go to the Hag’s leg. He was hooked on the Glory of Magic beer and it was always a good laugh in there. Ab was always up for a chat and you were bound to meet someone interesting whenever you went in there. However it wasn’t the kind of pub that parents would approve for their children unlike the Runny Cauldron. He’d met a ghoul, some goblins and a man with four arms, amongst others.

  Tom liked it because anyone could go there and receive no judgement. All anyone wanted was to have a good time and to relax. He liked to talk with the strangers to find out about different walks of life. He believed that no matter what your situation is, there is always something more out there for you to find that would make it better.

  Ab was cool enough not to rat Tom out to Albus or any other teacher and Tom had found it easy to get past Mr Wilch. The first time he had gone, he activated his cube and when Wilch asked what he was doing, Tom hesitantly said he was going to the Hag’s leg and Wilch had taken no objection and let him by. Ever since then, providing he had his cube active, Wilch let him through without question and wished him well.

  Whilst his pub goings were good, his relationship with Isabelle was neither here nor there. They sometimes spent evenings together but they didn’t have too much in common and since they were in different houses, there were restricted places they could spend time together. Tom was helping her with her studies just as he’d promised but apart from that, they didn’t see each other to much.

  In their next Charms lesson, they were aiming to alter the properties and effects of different instruments and objects, hence there was a lot of noise and commotion from things like trumpets making the sounds of a violin and chess pieces running all over the place, trying to knock people over.

  Hermione seized the opportunity and came over to Tom, who was practising with Isabelle and Clara. “Tom can I have a word?” Isabelle looked suspicious as Tom followed Hermione to the corner of the room. “We’ve found a place for the first DL meeting. It’s called the Anything Goes room and it’s on the seventh floor by that suit of armour that’s always drunk. We are meeting tonight at 8.”

  Tom filled with joy. “Finally! Thanks, Hermione. I’ll see you there.” He hugged her and went back to Isabelle who had been watching him the entire time.

  “What was that about?” Isabelle said at once in a very accusing tone.

  “Oh, she just wanted to talk about the upcoming Quidditch match. She was asking me to go easy on Harry. Ha. I don’t go easy on anyone.” Tom finished and then chocked, realising that he’d just lied. Something he swore to avoid. He felt rotten for breaking his code and he couldn’t understand how he’d been able to lie so easily. But he couldn’t do anything about it now.

  Clara said, “How can you be so confident? You haven’t played a match yet and Gryffinchair already flattened Hufflesnuff.” It was true that Gryffinchair were leading the table but Tom was sure Ravensnore were better. They’d watched the previous match carefully and picked out the other teams weaknesses. Tom was relieved that he no longer had to lie.

  “I just know our team’s the best. But don’t take my word for it, find out for yourself on Sunday,” he said.

  “I look forward to it,” said Clara.

  Isabelle added, “You better destroy Gryffinchair. They’ve won the cup the past few years and that needs to change.”

  “I’ll make sure that happens,” said Tom confidently.

  Clara then said, “There’s one thing I’ve never understood about Quidditch. If you fall of your broom from high up, wouldn’t you get seriously injured or possibly even die?” Tom laughed. “Shut up, I’m serious,” she said defensively.

  “Sorry… The grass is enchanted to be a lot more springy and soft. It will absorb some impact, just like moss. If you fall, it would still hurt a lot but you won’t die.”

  “Oh. I never knew. I’ve never been on a Quidditch pitch,” she said as an explanation.

  “I’ll have to show you sometime.”

  The rest of the day, Isabelle stayed attached to Tom. He found it rather frustrating but he couldn’t shrug her off. It was if she was marking her territory. Tom liked Isabelle but she was starting to get on his nerves. She was too judgemental and suspicious. Tom needed some space. Only when she went back to her bedroom after dinner, after kissing him in front of everyone, did she finally leave him. He was relieved to be alone but didn’t have time to enjoy it. He had to get to the DL meeting.

  He reached the drunk suit of armour but the door was nowhere in sight. About 10 other people were standing around who Tom recognised from the first meeting, looking puzzled. Tom asked the general audience, “Has no one found the place yet?”

  A tall boy with bright red hair said sarcastically, “Nah, we just thought we’d chill out beside this bare stone wall in this empty corridor.”

  Another guy who looked the same, obviously his twin, said, “Fred’s just joking. Don’t worry about it. I’m George by the way.” He stuck out his hand.

  Tom shook it and said, “So you two are Fred and George. I’m Tom Collivander.”

  He then shook Fred’s hand as Fred asked, “You know us?”

  “I’ve heard about you from Mark and Ryan.”

  Fred and George exchanged looks, “Oh cool. Anyone who is a friend of theirs is a friend of ours.”

  Just then, Hermione came out of a door that Tom was sure had not been there a moment before. “Hey everyone, come in, come in.” They all entered and found a large room, equipped with various secrecy detectors, books, practise bots and cushions. About 15 people were sitting on the cushions and Harry was standing at the front. Tom sat down next to Fred and waited for Harry to speak.

  Harry explained about the Anything Goes room but he didn’t say how it had just appeared. He then got everyone to split into groups of 3 and practise summoning and banishing charms. Tom partnered with Fred and George. On the whole, Tom enjoyed the lesson a lot even though the magic was pretty basic. It felt good to be involved in something that was fighting against Dumbridge’s regime and Fred and George were really funny. He could understand why Mark and Ryan liked them.

  After an hour and a half, Harry stopped the action and addressed everyone. “We are out of time tonight but that was really good. Next time we’ll move on to something a bit more exciting.”

  Some kid shouted out, “But when will the next time be?”

  Another added, “If we set a regular time every week we wouldn’t have to worry about communication.”

  Harry spoke over the murmurs that started to appear. “We can’t set a regular time because of other commitments. Has anyone had an idea of how we can communicate meeting times and dates?”

  Tom said, “If you all got phones, we could just text each other.” The room seemed to have not understood him which was as he expected, however Harry had.

  “Good idea, but most people don’t know about phones because they have no dealings with the muggle world. Besides, they don’t work around Hogwash.”

  Fred spoke up, “Are they those things that dad keeps blabbering on about. The things that allow you to talk to people who aren’t with you?”

  Harry replied, “Yep. But it’s no good if we don’t all have them.”

  Hermione butted in, “And like Harry said, they don’t work around Hogwash anyway.”

  Tom couldn’t help but laugh. It was the first time he’d ever heard Hermione say something wrong. Everyone looked to him in surprise. “That, Hermione, is where you are wrong.”

  The whole room stared at Hermione. It was a very rare occurrence for anyone to accuse Hermione of being wrong. She looked equally surprised. “Tom, what are you talking about? Everyone knows they don’t work here, everyone who’s read ‘a history of Hogwash’ anyway.”

  Tom continued to laugh. “They do work and I
can prove it to you. Here.” He threw his phone over to Hermione. She stared at the phone in amazement.

  After inspecting the phone properly, she even started to call someone, she passed it back to him and said, breathlessly “How?”

  Tom hadn’t wanted to give away his secret but Dumby seemed to be on his side so he didn’t think he’d get into trouble if people found out. “Everyone listen to me. I’m telling you this in confidence. Please do not repeat it to anyone outside of this room without my permission.” They all looked at him in shock. When they realised he was being serious, they nodded. There was something about Tom that grabbed people’s attention and made them trust him. “I’ve invented a way for muggle electric devices to work around wizarding populations.”

  Of course, most of the room still didn’t really know what phones or electric devices were so they didn’t appreciate the significance of this, but a few did. Hermione was one of the few and she spoke again, “You’re a genius.” Funnily, this created more of a response from the crowd than Tom’s confession.

  Fred piped up, “Tom, trust me, Hermione has never said that before to anyone. She must fancy you.” Both Ron and Hermione blushed.

  “Shut up Fred. I just know good magic when I see it,” she said, embarrassed. No one spoke for a moment, with everyone looking at either Hermione, Tom or Fred.

  Harry brought the sticky silence to an end. “Even though Tom has found a way to use phones, it doesn’t solve our problem seeing as no one else has them.”

  Again, Hermione interrupted, “That’s not entirely true, I have one. I just leave it at home.”

  “Irrelevant,” Harry said in an angry tone. “The group still don’t and so whilst the suggestion is a good one, it won’t work. We’ll have to think of something else and then let you all know… Now, you better all get back to your dormitories before Wilch catches you.”

  There was a chorus of “See you” and the crowd dispersed.

  Hermione however, came over to Tom who wanted to be the last person in the room to discover its secret. “I didn’t know pure bloods would even know about them, let alone be able to use them and manipulate them.”

  “Well, I got a phone from my uncle for a present a few years back. He’s always appreciated muggle technology and I do to. He also knew, that I like to tinker with things to make improvements.”

  Hermione looked at him in admiration. “Genius… Here’s my number, once I’m back home we can talk.”

  “Cheers,” replied Tom and added it to his phone. He then noticed Cho lingering by the bookshelf. Tom went over to Harry and whispered “Hey man. Have you asked Cho out yet?”

  He replied in similarly hushed tones, “Nah, not yet. I’ve been waiting for the opportune moment.” This was another sign for Tom that Harry was stupid.

  “Dude, this is it. I’m telling you.” Harry scowled so Tom elaborated. “Look, she’s waiting around. It’s obvious she wants to be alone with you. I’ll get Hermione and Ron out of here and then you two can be alone.”

  “Cheers, Tom. If there’s anything I can do, just ask.”

  “There is one thing, how do you get into this room?”

  Harry was taken aback at how quickly Tom responded. Nevertheless, he said, “Oh it’s easy. Just moonwalk past this spot on the wall, thinking firmly in your head what you want the room to turn into and the door should appear.”

  “It can turn into anything?”

  “Yep. Pretty good isn’t it.”

  “Awesome! Right, I’ll get out of your way now.” He turned around and raised his voice, “Hermione, Ron, let’s get out of here.” He winked at Cho and left with them.

  Once outside he said, “I just needed to get you two out of there. Harry will explain later. Goodnight.”

  They seemed surprised but said goodnight to Tom and they parted.

  Back in the common room, Tom found Amber and Natalie waiting. They asked, “Have you seen Cho? We’ve been looking for her.”

  “She’ll be along in a bit. She should be in a good mood as well when she gets here.”

  Natalie said, “Oh good. I’ve been worried that she’s going to be hopeless on Sunday, she’s been really down lately.”

  Tom cut the conversation short. He wanted to go back to the Anything Goes room and test it out. He made up an excuse of having homework to do. From his experience, a Ravensnore saying they have homework to do is a completely valid excuse for most things. He left the common room, supposedly heading for the library. It had been 15 minutes since he’d left Cho and Harry alone and so hoped they would have left the room by now.

  Checking that no one was around, he moonwalked past the wall, concentrating hard on a gym. It didn’t work the first time but to his delight, the second try succeeded. The door appeared just as it had when Hermione had come out of it a few hours earlier. He lurched forwards, wrenched the door open and went in. What he found made his jaw drop. A gym of such luxury was standing in front of him. It had everything. Powerlifting racks, bench press, free weights, swimming pool, sauna and showers to name a few. It even had a kick ass stereo system which he plugged his phone into so he could listen to whatever he liked whilst working out. This is just perfect. No more working out in my room, he thought to himself. He smiled, got changed into the gym shorts and shoes he found that just happened to be his size. For some reason, there was no top but Tom didn’t mind. When alone, he normally worked out shirtless anyway.

  Once he’d worked out, showered and got dressed, he was really ready for a nice post workout snack but that seemed to be the one thing that the room didn’t have. Disappointed, he trudged back to his bedroom, being too tired to go down to the kitchens. He got into bed, feeling great that he was properly exhausted again. It had been too long. And he fell asleep almost instantly.