“Good to know,” Madison said and then refocused on Kim.
“Would we be safe from the Gnomes on Mount Olympus?” Kim asked, sounding desperate.
What the hell was really going on here? No one in their right mind would want to spend any time on Mount Olympus. The gods were fucking crazy.
Madison glanced over at me and I shrugged. We needed to get to the bottom of this fast or my new pets would eat the shit out of the interior of my truck.
“What do the Gnomes have on you?” I asked, Kim as her head dropped to her chest. “Why do they want to kill Neville other than that he’s ug…” Before the entire word came out of my mouth, my Mermaid stabbed me in the ass with a wicked sharp dagger—and deservedly so. The alien couldn’t help what he looked like. I was an ass of epic proportions to be rude to an innocent three-year-old.
“Thank you,” I told Madison as I pulled the knife from my ass cheek, wiped off the blood and handed it back to her. My gal had my back.
“You’re welcome,” she replied, with her eyes still on Kim. “Answer Rick’s question. Now.”
“Neville is a half breed,” Kim said softly, picking up the child and cuddling him close.
“Half what?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
Kim looked up at us with tears swimming in her eyes. “Half human, half Gnome.”
“Holy hell and seashells, you had sex with a disgusting Gnome?” Madison blurted out and then handed me her dagger so I could return the favor.
I quickly and expertly stabbed her in her delectable ass. I had her back just like she had mine.
“Thank you,” she said, removing the dagger and sliding it back into the holster.
“My pleasure,” I replied.
Kim grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to scribble out a note. Clearly, she didn’t want her son to hear what she wanted to tell us. Handing the paper to me, she turned her back on us and gently rocked her sleepy child.
My gut clenched in fury as soon as I read the first line. Madison growled low in her throat.
And then we read.
Neville’s father was violently murdered in front of me by the Gnomes—torn limb from limb and he never made a sound. He died as bravely as he lived.
And yes. He was a Gnome, but he wasn’t like the others. I didn’t know what he was when I met him and fell in love with him. He wasn’t exactly good looking on the outside, but he was beautiful on the inside where it counts. We were only together a very short time, but it was good and right.
His death was his punishment for consorting with a human. After they killed him, I was beaten within an inch of my life and left for dead.
Somehow, by the grace of the gods, I survived the attack. However, I was left with something precious that would remind me of that night of horror for the rest of my life… and of the man I loved.
I went into hiding to protect my baby.
You might think I’m crazy, but while I was trying to decide what to do next, I had vivid dreams about a god. He was so real and familiar to me. He came to me every night for nine months and told me strange and wonderful stories about a little boy who would change the course of nature.
I received threats from the Gnomes when they caught wind of my situation, but for some unknown reason they never tried to kill me again.
I was terrified of what would happen to my son when he arrived, but ending him was not an option for me. He was created in love. I wanted him.
And I’ll never regret it.
Even before Neville entered this world, I fell madly in love with him. I would do anything for my child, and yes, I’m aware of what he looks like. He resembles his father and that is something to be proud of. His outsides aren’t pretty but my baby’s insides and heart are gorgeous and I thank the gods daily he’s mine.
I will willingly die for Neville.
The Gnomes don’t want anything to do with my child because of his heritage. He is less than nothing to them. However, they seem threatened by him at the same time.
They want money—money to let him live.
That’s why I told you I couldn’t get fired from my job. I need the money.
But the rules have changed and they want more. I don’t have more except what I’d hidden for emergencies in my mattress. I’ve already sold everything I have of value and moved us into a home on the bad side of town.
I’m going to run. I’m hoping the Gnomes won’t care enough to come after us. However, I think they will. I’m very aware that the gods are crazy. But if my child will be safe on Mount Olympus, I will happily scrub the floors of their palaces until my hands bleed. I can’t stay here and risk Neville’s life any longer.
Neville’s father was named Dirk. He was the only son of the Gnome King—the very same bastard King that murdered him.
Holy freakin’ shit. Kim had big balls. I respected women with big nards. Kim deserved better and I could make sure she got it.
The plan came to me quickly. It was slightly half-assed, but that was how I rolled. Madison was shaking with fury. She moved to Kim and wrapped the trembling woman in a tight embrace. Neville laid his head on Madison’s shoulder. It was beautiful.
My need to destroy the Gnome King wasn’t beautiful. It was clawing at my gut like a disease. But first things first.
“Finish packing,” I instructed as I began to throw more toys and clothes into the suitcases. “You’re coming with us. I know of a place that you’ll be safe. We’re leaving in five so haul ass.”
“Don’t say ass. Neville is a baby,” Madison chided me with a smile so wide I felt like a million bucks.
“My bad. You can stab me,” I offered.
“No time,” she said, helping me load the cases. “I’ll stab you later.”
“Good plan. Are either of you afraid of dogs or cats?” I inquired of a confused Kim and Neville.
“Umm… no,” Kim said. “Are there dogs and cats on Mount Olympus?”
“Don’t know,” I replied. “We’re not going there.”
“Where are we going?” Kim asked, getting with the program and snapping the suitcases shut.
“We’re going to Kentucky.”
“Intukkeeee!” Neville shouted and clapped his hands.
“Safest place in the Universe at the moment,” I promised as I scooped up the beautifully ugly alien and walked out the front door.
And it was. If there truly was a Sphinx at my house, no one could harm the alien.
Not even his soon to be dead grandfather.
“Kim, how do I get to the interstate from here?” I asked as I started my truck.
Madison sat shotgun and looked so pale it made my gut clench in terror. I could be blindfolded and drive a motorcycle off a cliff wearing nothing but my birthday suit and a parachute, but I couldn’t stand Madison being ill. She’d fallen asleep the minute she’d settled herself in the car. We were an hour and a half from my place. I had three ponds, a whirlpool and a huge tub. She could have her pick. We just needed to get there. Fast.
The suitcases were strapped to the top of the vehicle, and there was just enough room for all twenty-four of us. Neville was thrilled with the furry menagerie and the feelings were mutual. They didn’t give a shit what the boy looked like. The doggies and kitties all vied for a spot close to the little alien.
“Go six blocks south on Main Street,” Kim said. “You’ll pass a hardware store on your right and an aquarium on your left.”
“Repeat,” I said as I closed my eyes for the briefest second and grinned.
“Six blocks south on Main Street,” Kim recited again.
“Not that part,” I said, tersely.
“Hardware store on your right and aquarium on your left.”
“Outstanding,” I muttered and I slammed my foot down on the gas pedal. “That’s what I thought you said.”
There was no time to lose. Poseidon had been correct. My future was in Tennessee and she was sitting right next to me.
And I was damned sure I wasn’t going to f
uck up my future.
9
Madison
The dream was absolutely divine. Salty water washed over my skin and a school of tiny orange fish tickled my scales. Screwing my eyes shut tight so I didn’t wake up, I glided through the water and let it recharge my empty and tired soul.
Rolling and twisting, I laughed as the sting of the salt kissed me all over. My head cleared and the blood pumped through my veins with enchanted energy. Faster and faster I swam until my surroundings filled me up with what I was so desperately missing.
It was perfect… until I bashed my head into the glass wall. What in the farkin’ Seven Seas was a glass wall doing in the ocean? Was Poseidon playing practical jokes again?
“Ouch,” I shouted as my eyes popped open and I tried to get my bearings. Amazing dreams didn’t usually end in black eyes and bruises.
“Mooomaid!” Neville shouted from the other side of the glass.
The little dude jumped up and down with rabid excitement as twenty dogs and cats joined him in his revelry. Kim stood next to her son and smiled and waved at me. My eyes quickly darted around the dry area and landed on the person I was pretty sure was responsible for this miracle.
With a thumbs up and a lopsided grin, Rick watched me swim with pride and awe. Quickly glancing down, I was grateful that my wild pink hair had been smart enough to remember to cover my girls. It wouldn’t do to flash a three-year-old. My tail wiggled and sent me into a joyous backflip in the water. Snapping my fingers, a bejeweled blue bikini top appeared and covered my assets. It matched the gorgeous blue eyes of the crazy Werewolf who had found a closed aquarium for me to play in.
“Thank you,” I mouthed to the man who I had every intention of keeping.
Rick nodded and approached the thick glass that separated us. Placing his hand on the glass, he waited. Without a second thought, I placed my hand opposite his and I could almost swear I felt his heat and desire. The simple action was far more intimate than our make-out sessions… and kind of wonderfully scary. Almost as terrifying as blowhole diving.
“Take as long as you need,” he shouted through the glass with a wide grin. “Umm… can you breathe in there?”
I smiled and nodded. I could hold my breath for a week—longer if necessary. Mermaids were made for the water and our bizarre nature accommodated us to perfection. I knew we should be on the road, but five more minutes in the water would bring me back to full strength. Transporting Rick and myself into Kim’s apartment had been a risky move. I’d had no clue how much power that would take. However, entrances were important and we’d made an excellent one.
“Me swim with the Mooomaid,” Neville said as he waved his hands and magically transported to my side of the glass.
“Holy shit,” Rick shouted as his eyes went wide with shock.
My expression matched Rick’s. Neville was half human and half Gnome. He was about to drown. The only calm person in the aquarium was Kim—even the fish were freaking out. She grabbed Rick and tried to hold him back as he started to scale the enormous tank to retrieve the child.
What the heck was wrong with Kim? She told us she would die for her child. I was going to stab her so hard in the ass after Rick and I saved her son. I didn’t give a salty poop if she was human. My only worry was that Rick wouldn’t be quick enough.
With a massive flick of my powerful tail, I swam after the wild child who was zipping around the tank like a freakin’ torpedo. How in the ever-lovin’ Seven Seas was Neville that fast? I was a speed demon and could barely keep up.
“He’s fine,” I heard Kim yell as she banged on the glass. “He can hold his breath for hours.”
Well, that was certainly interesting. How in the heck was that possible?
Rick looked doubtful as he slowly climbed back down and watched as Neville sped around the tank like he’d ingested a vat of espresso laced with speed.
“Dude,” I hissed, grabbing the little sucker as he zipped by. “What the heck is going on here?”
Neville babbled under the water a mile a minute. I couldn’t make out a word of his excited gibberish. However, I was flabbergasted that he could speak underwater like I could.
“Five minutes are up, little dude,” I said, holding the wiggling anomaly against my chest as I swam to the top of the huge tank and looked for a ladder to get out.
Rick was waiting for us still looking shell-shocked.
“I think I might have lost a century of my life watching that,” he said with a wince.
“Kim’s not completely human,” I grumbled as I passed him a soaking wet and very happy Neville.
“Ya think?” Rick said with a chuckle. “Our stage manager has been holding out on us.”
“The truth shall set you free,” I said as I sadly let my tail morph back to legs. “I hope for Kim’s sake she wants to be free. Or she’s gonna have a knife scar in her butt like nobody’s business.”
“I’m completely human. I swear,” Kim insisted for the umpteenth time as Rick drove like a racecar driver with a death wish to his Kentucky home.
The ride was awesome. Kim’s answers were not.
“That’s not possible,” I told her. “Gnomes can’t even swim. There is no way in Poseidon’s salty oceans that Neville should be able to swim, much less talk under water.”
“What did the little alien dude say?” Rick asked as he made a screeching sharp left turn onto a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.
“Umm… I couldn’t tell you—didn’t understand a word,” I replied as I glanced back in frustration at the soundly sleeping Neville cuddled in his mother’s arms. “What else can he do?”
“There are new things daily,” Kim admitted hesitantly, holding on to her child and the seat of the careening car for dear life.
“Spit it out, Kim,” Rick said. “I’m not sure how, but I’m beginning to think you being our stage manager was not an accident.”
Glancing sharply over at Rick, I marveled that someone who had landed on his head as many times as he had in his life was so brilliant.
“You think I set this up?” Kim asked, aghast.
“Nope,” I answered for Rick as he looked over at me and raised a brow. “I think someone else might have.”
“Who?” Kim asked, terrified. “The Gnomes?”
I shook my head and sighed. “No, someone who wants the Gnome King dead. But I can’t figure out the connection.”
“Neither can I,” Rick said. “And apropos of nothing, my house is kind of messy.”
“Define kind of?” I asked with a laugh and an eye roll.
“Shit show of epic proportions, but the toilet seats are down,” he replied sheepishly as he pulled up to a cozy looking log cabin bathed in bright moonlight. He stared at it in shock with his mouth agape.
I wasn’t real sure what Rick considered messy, but it looked freakin’ spotless by my standards. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I have grass,” he whispered.
“You have gas?” I asked, with a wince. “That’s TMI, dude.”
“No. Grass,” he said, completely perplexed. “And it’s been mowed. And there are no broken windows. There should be four blown up car carcasses in the front yard. And the steps leading up to the front porch are supposed to have a big burn hole in them from the time I accidentally set them on fire when I tried to blow up the vacuum cleaner that shredded the shit out of my favorite boxer briefs.”
While I was secretly delighted he wore boxer briefs instead of tighty whities, I wondered if he’d taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way. It was after three in the morning.
“Umm… is this even your house?” I asked.
“It looks like my house, but better,” he said, bewildered.
And that was when it went from weird to weirder. Well, not for me, but definitely for Rick.
“Avast ye, and show yerself, ye peg-legged salty sea nard of a bandana wearing pontoon splinter,” a very familiar voice bellowed from somewhere in the darkness. “If yarr has come
for the critters, ye’ll be beggin’ to be a greasy haired rope burn in Davy Jones’ locker.”
“What the hell was that?” Rick snarled looking around the yard in a panic. “You guys stay in the car. I’m gonna go kill it. It sounds mentally deranged.”
“No can do,” I said with a laugh as I got out of the car much to Rick’s dismay. “It will just rise from the ashes as a baby and you’ll have to raise it. Trust me on this. I’ve seen it happen.”
Rick was out of the car in a flash and shoved me behind him. His fangs had dropped, his claws were out and his eyes glowed a bright eerie silver.
It was freakin’ hot.
“Bonar, you nard. Show yourself. It’s me, Madison,” I yelled into the night.
“Madison,” Bonar bellowed with delight as he appeared in front of us followed by what I could only call a herd of bunnies, deer, and raccoons. “And who’s the cod faced tar stain standin’ in front of ye?”
“It’s Rick. The owner of the zoo you’re protecting.”
The air was thick with testosterone and I rolled my eyes. Bonar eyed the Werewolf and Rick eyed the dumbarse Pirate Sphinx. I smiled and shook my head realizing how bizarre my friend must appear to Rick. Bonar was wearing his typical breeches, knee-high boots and puffy shirt. Strangely, the hairy little Pirate was cute… in a shriveled up, pruney kind of way. After the men glared like idiots and sized each other up for one minute and thirty-two seconds, both grinned and shook hands.
“Yar a shite housekeeper, Rick. Took me a week to batten down the hatches on yer crab infested shite hole of a land farin’ abode. It’s a right man o’war now.”
“I have crabs?” Rick asked, confused.
“You’d better not,” I muttered with another eye roll.
“Nay, ye eyeliner wearing dingy dangler,” Bonar grunted, picking up a raccoon and scratching its head with affection. “Yer a slob.”
“Oh,” Rick said with a relieved nod of understanding. “I already knew that.”
“So are ye done with yer cookin’ show? Did ye castrate the stripey sweatered son of a sea snake Gnome King and skin the bastard alive?” Bonar inquired as if that was a normal activity to take part in.
Madison's Mess Page 7