“Right, my bad. I knew that,” Poseidon recalled. “Just find Stew and de-ball the bastard. The other gods are starting to imply that I don’t deserve DIC.”
“You want Stew’s dick?” I choked out.
If I’d known that detail, I never would have taken the job. However, I should have guessed. Poseidon did tell me to castrate the evil bastard. The God of the Sea sucked at sharing minor details. Delivering a Gnome wank was not a minor detail—at all. But if I hadn’t taken the mission, I wouldn’t have met Rick the Vegan nard who might be a keeper. Plus, I never would have known about zorbing.
Fine. If we had to deliver the Gnome King’s dick to Poseidon, we would do it. Actually, Rick could do that part. I wasn’t touching Stew’s Johnson. Ever.
“Not dick. DIC,” he shouted.
“Umm, that’s about as clear as mud.”
“Divine Immortal Circuit—not a pecker dick,” Poseidon grunted with a chuckle. “I do not want Stew’s dick. When you castrate the arsehole, make him eat it. And after he does that, you can remove his epidermis and then behead him. Cool?”
“Umm… not really,” I said with a gag. “How about we get the lesser gods back and you can deal with Stew.”
Poseidon was silent for a long moment. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
“That sounds outstanding. I need some street cred back after all the shit I’ve taken for letting Stew kidnap the lesser gods on my watch. Just leave him in a cage and I’ll take care of the rest.”
“Will do,” I said with a relieved sigh.
“However, you might have to end him if he plays dirty,” Poseidon pointed out. “And trust my drunk, diaper-wearing arse… the Gnomes play dirty.”
“Not a problem. I just don’t want to lop his Johnson off.”
“Yes, well, have fun and give my regards to Rick,” he said and then hung up on me.
It was one of the strangest conversations I’d had with my father figure to date… and we’d had some weird ones.
“Put the car in gear,” Rick shouted, barreling out of the shelter with at least ten dogs and equally as many cats following him.
“What the hey-hey?” I whispered, trying not to laugh. He was saving dogs and cats. My need to keep the dork was increasing by the moment.
“Get in, doggies and kitties,” he huffed as he opened up the back of the SUV and began gently helping the menagerie into the vehicle. “Do not shit in my truck. I just had it cleaned and that will piss me off. You feel me?”
“I won’t shit in your truck,” I said with a giggle as an old and seriously underweight pit bull wiggled his way to the front of the pack and gave me a sloppy wet dog kiss.
“Oh my gods,” Rick said quickly. “I didn’t mean you, Madison. If you want to take a dump in my truck that’s fine with me.”
“Umm… thanks, but no. Not my thing,” I said as a tiny kitten crawled into my lap and promptly fell asleep. “What exactly are we going to do with your new zoo?”
“Hang on,” Rick yelled from the back of the truck as he made sure everyone was comfortable and then ran up to the passenger side door and got in. “Umm… so I…”
“Saved the doggies and kitties?” I supplied with a grin and a tilt of my head.
“Yes,” he whispered, looking like a kid who’d done something really naughty. “I did. It’s a high kill shelter.”
“Mmmkay. Interesting side trip, but again… what are we going to do with all these animals?”
“You’re not mad?” Rick asked, surprised.
“Why would I be mad?”
I was confused. I would have been pissed if he’d eaten them. I wasn’t the least bit angry that he saved them. However, if he made this a habit, we would have to live on a fucking farm…
Wait. I was getting way ahead of myself here. He was going to have to live on a fucking farm. I lived on an island. Surprisingly, that thought depressed me.
“Most girls I know wouldn’t be amused,” he admitted with the beginnings of a smile pulling at his beautiful mouth.
“I’m not most girls.”
“True,” he said slowly as his smile became full.
The Werewolf’s blue eyes sparkled and he was so otherworldly beautiful, I found it difficult to breathe. I was so close to calling him a keeper, but we had a job to do first.
“Are we taking them back to the hotel?” I asked, changing the subject so I didn’t suggest he bite me. “Might be kind of difficult to sneak this many animals in through the lobby. Maybe we could just make a giant sling with a sheet and tie them to us. We could scale the side of the building and take them in through the window to our suite. It’s only on the tenth floor. We should be fine.”
“Are you real?” Rick asked, staring at me strangely. “You would do that for my new friends and me?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer. Did he think it was a stupid idea? I thought it was pretty creative and I adored scaling buildings.
“Umm… yes,” I whispered, wondering if I was no longer a keeper in his mind because I was truly insane.
Next thing I knew I was in Rick’s arms as he peppered little kisses all over my face. “PERFECT,” he shouted with gusto. “You are fucking perfect.”
A chorus of and barking and meowing backed up his delighted sentiment and I giggled as his kisses went from sweet to orgasm inducing.
“Gotta stop,” I said as I ran my hands all over his broad chest and muscled shoulders. “We have company and we have to talk to Kim.”
“Who’s Kim?” Rick asked in a confused lustful daze.
“Dude,” I said with a laugh as I regretfully pushed him away. “Kim—the stage manager who might be in cahoots with the Gnomes.”
“Shit,” he said running his hands through his thick blond hair and gingerly adjusting the very hard junk in his jeans. “Right. Kim. Gnomes. Got it.”
“You ready?” I inquired, still breathing heavily from our mini make out session.
“Born ready,” he said with a lopsided grin. “We’ll go question Kim and then we can bring the animals to my place in Kentucky. It’s just an hour and a half away. Poseidon sent someone named Bonar to watch after the animals I already have.”
“You’re shitting me,” I said with a laugh. “Bonar the Pirate?”
Rick’s head jerked up and his eyes narrowed. “Yes. Do you know him?”
He was jealous. It would have been all kinds of sexy if it wasn’t so laughable.
“Yep. I know him.”
“And how well do you know him?” he demanded, going all Alpha wolf on me.
I couldn’t hold back my burst of laughter. While I wanted to screw with him for being a jealous blowhard, I couldn’t. I would hate it if he did that to me.
“Not biblically,” I assured him as I touched the adorable dimple on his cheek. “Never biblically. He’s a self-professed idiot arse. Bonar’s like the profane, ancient Pirate brother I never wanted in my lifetime.”
“Is he capable of protecting my animals?” Rick asked, clearly relived Bonar wasn’t a past paramour of mine, but now concerned that he was too incompetent to take care of whatever kind of zoo Rick had amassed at his home.
“He’s a Sphinx,” I told him.
Rick’s eyes went wide and he was stunned to silence for a moment.
“You’re shitting me,” he whispered.
“I shit you not.”
“They still exist? I thought they were a myth.”
“Yep. Bonar definitely exists. Your pets are very safe with him. I promise. He might be an arse, but he’s a loyal and deadly arse,” I told him.
“And the day keeps getting better,” Rick said with a grin as he planted a kiss on my lips. “You ready to find out what Kim knows and who It is?”
“I was born ready,” I said, repeating his earlier statement.
“That’s what I like to hear.”
And we were off—a car full of doggies and kitties with an insane Werewolf and a certifiable Mermaid running the show.
Life was getting very dangerous… and very good.
8
Rick
“Holy shee-ot,” I gasped out as quietly as I could. “What the fuck am I looking at?”
We’d parked a block away from Kim’s apartment building, near a dog run. After letting the doggies and kitties out for a quick whizz and a poopie, we’d put them safely back in my truck and then quickly and quietly moved through the shadows to Kim’s residence.
My twenty new pets wanted to come on the adventure, but even I knew that was a really bad plan. Madison confirmed it before I could even suggest it. It was like she could read my certifiably unstable mind which was pretty awesome. She had already named the skinniest and frailest of the dogs—it was an emaciated pit bull now known as Thor. The dog was as besotted with the Mermaid as I was and I didn’t blame him a bit.
I hated leaving them since the furry little fuckers already had abandonment issues. I knew what it was like not to be wanted. I’d been ejected from my pack too many times to count over my three hundred years.
“What do you see?” Madison whispered as she hooked her combat boot-clad feet into the fire escape on the outside of the building and lowered herself down to the window. “What the… What is that?”
We were hanging upside down on the side of a four-story dilapidated brick apartment building. A fall wouldn’t be a big deal. Four stories were a piece of cake. What really sucked was falling off of a twenty-story building. I could attest to that fact.
“Is it human?” I asked, squinting my eyes and pressing my face to the glass.
“Umm… I’m not sure,” she said. “It’s kind of cute in a seriously ugly way.”
Kim was tearing around the studio apartment throwing clothing and toys into suitcases. The alien looking creature sat on the floor and calmly observed her sprint manically all over the room.
Kim sliced a mattress with a kitchen knife and pulled out a wad of money. She stuffed it into her pocket and then kissed the ugly thing on the top of his head.
“Guess she lied to the Gnomes about not having more money,” I said as I watched her grab her laptop and phone and throw them into the open suitcase.
Kim paused only briefly as she glanced at a large framed poster from our cooking show—Bitchin’ in the Kitchen’. She ran her hands over both my and Madison’s faces and sighed with regret. “Best and most fun job I ever had,” she said sadly and then got back to business.
“She likes being shouted at by Dave?” Madison asked, confused.
“Actually, I think she might like us,” I said, just as perplexed.
“Sweet Poseidon on a week long bender, I hope she’s not evil,” Madison muttered as she watched the scene inside the small apartment. “I like her. She breaks my heart.”
“Ditto that.”
Turning to the alien sitting on the floor, Kim squatted down and lovingly took its fugly face into her shaking hands. “Neville, we’re going on a long, long, long vacation.”
“Baycaytun!” the thing said with a drooly giggle.
“Gods, is that her child?” I asked, wondering what the hell the father could have looked like. “And she named him Neville? That kid is gonna take an ass-kicking on the playground all the way through college.”
“If it is her kid, I hope Kim was wasted when she nailed the baby daddy,” Madison mumbled.
As we hung upside down from the fire escape of the four-story building trying to figure out what the hell we were looking at, I realized I’d never been so happy in my life. The summer breeze caught Madison’s pink curls and she looked like a princess even though all the blood had rushed to her head and made her face a bright pink.
“Do you like bunnies?” I whispered before I could stop myself.
“I’ve never had a bunny,” she said, glancing over at me as we swung precariously from our perches. “Why?”
“Umm… no reason. Just curious.”
“Mooomaid and Waaawuf,” Neville shouted with glee as he pointed to the window we were hanging upside down in.
“Shit,” I said as my eyes went wide and I pulled back from the glass pane. “It’s dark and we’re wearing black. How did the alien see us?”
“Better question is how in the salty sea does he know what we are?” Madison said, pulling herself quickly up to the landing on the fire escape and yanking me with her.
Holy gods on fire but she was strong for a tiny thing. I was six foot three and two hundred and two pounds of pure muscle.
“I think it’s time to go inside,” I said. “Window or door?”
“Neither,” Madison said with a grin. “Take my hand.”
I did. I had no clue what she was about to do, but I was in. Any girl who could hang upside down off a building and send chocolate buttholes as a wedding present was a girl I could trust. Not that we wouldn’t lose a limb or two along the way…
“Hang on tight,” Madison said as her eyes sparkled with excitement. “I haven’t done this in a while.”
“Done what?” I asked, but it was too late.
In a blast of pink glitter she transported us right into Kim’s tiny apartment. I was fairly sure my balls were now residing in my mouth and I couldn’t exactly feel any of my appendages, but it was fucking fun—kind of like blowhole diving but with glitter.
“Oh my god,” Kim shrieked as she went for a gun and stepped in front of her alien to protect him. “Are you working for them? I knew you weren’t human.”
“Put the gun down, Kim,” Madison said, sternly. “It won’t kill us.”
“However, an extra hole in my head will seriously piss me off,” I added, wiggling my fingers and toes to make sure they still functioned.
The alien peeked his bulbous head out from behind Kim’s legs and grinned at me. His eyes were fucking enormous. It was somewhat terrifying, but Madison was correct. The thing was cute, in a seriously ugly way. His oversized head was covered in red hair that matched his mother’s. I was fairly sure he had fangs, which was very strange indeed. However, the toddler’s body was that of a normal sized human child albeit the arms and legs were a little short and squat.
“Waaawuf,” Neville said pointing a stubby little finger at me with a giggle. “Grrrrrrrrr.”
“What do you want?” Kim demanded, as she put the gun into her pocket and gently pushed the laughing alien behind her again. “I’m busy.”
“Going somewhere?” I asked, glancing around the room and eyeing the overstuffed suitcases.
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” she said, pulling a bottle of antacids from her pocket and shoving a handful into her mouth. “I’d like you to leave. Now.”
Madison smiled and shook her head. “No can do, Kim. We have reason to believe you’re in cahoots with the Gnomes.”
“Are you freakin’ serious?” she shouted as she pulled on her short hair and began to laugh hysterically.
It appeared that the woman was coming unhinged. The alien looked terrified and held on to her as she became more unwound by the second. Her laughter soon turned to a coughing fit and the poor human woman turned as red as the hair on her head.
“Umm… should I Heimlich her?” I asked, not quite sure how to proceed.
“Gods, I don’t know,” Madison said, looking unsure. “I think this might have been a bad idea.”
“You think?” Kim yelled as her coughing fit subsided enough for her to speak. “I am not in cahoots with the Gnomes.”
“Then why were you paying them?” I asked.
“You were following me?”
“Nope, we were given a lead on the Gnomes and you just happened to be there,” I told her.
“Which does not bode well… for you,” Madison added.
Kim glanced back and forth between Madison and me, trying to figure out if we were there to harm her or her alien. Since we weren’t quite sure what the hell we were going to do, I was fairly sure she couldn’t figure it out either.
“Look Kim,” Madison said tightly. “S
tart talking now. We’re after the Gnome King. If you’re not on the side of the Gnomes, you need to convince me of that. Then you and your… umm…”
“Son,” Kim said, beginning to calm down.
“Right. You and your son,” Madison continued, “are free to go on vacation.”
Kim was silent as she stared at us. We stared right back.
“So you’re not really chefs?” Kim queried.
“Umm… no,” Madison said with a chuckle.
Kim smiled weakly, but was still wary. “And you’re not here to kill my son?”
Well, that certainly came from out of left field.
“Absolutely not,” I huffed, wildly offended. “I’m Vegan Werewolf with an unhealthy penchant for death-defying hobbies. I don’t kill children. Ever.”
“What does being a Vegan have to do with anything?” Madison asked, squinting at me.
I had to think about that for a second. “Nothing,” I admitted with a shrug. “I’m just not embarrassed about it anymore. I don’t care who knows.”
“Roger that,” she said with a grin and then turned her attention back to Kim and the alien named Neville. “We are not here to kill anyone. We’re trying to figure out why you were paying the Gnomes.”
“You’re going after the Gnome King?” she pressed, looking like an excited, nervous wreck.
Both Madison and I nodded.
“Why?” she asked.
“Classified,” Madison shot right back. “And if you don’t want to be taken into custody and sent to Mount Olympus to be questioned by a drunk assed god in a diaper then you’d better come clean now. Please.”
“That was polite,” I congratulated my Mermaid.
“Thank you,” Madison replied. “There’s no reason to be rude. Ever. My mom taught me that.”
“My mom taught me that if I don’t put the toilet seat down that I get my head flushed,” I announced.
“How’d that work out?” Madison inquired, shaking her head and clearly trying not to laugh.
“I never leave the toilet seat up,” I told her with a wink. “I train very well.”
Madison's Mess Page 6