Madison's Mess

by Robyn Peterman

  “Why? How?” Madison said, stroking Neville’s head.

  “Poseidon’s a randy bastard and gods mate with humans all the time,” I said, still trying to piece it all together.

  “So Kim’s parents had to have been Mer-people. And part of their destiny was to move to Tennessee so that Kim would fulfill her destiny,” Madison said sadly. “And they withered away because they were landlocked.”

  Her beautiful rose colored eyes filled with tears and she let her chin fall to her chest. Wrapping both her and the pee stained Neville in my arms, I held them close.

  “I don’t understand how Kim can survive being landlocked,” I said, burying my face in Madison’s pink locks.

  “If a destiny has been ordained by the gods, the body will acclimate,” Madison said. “My guess is that Kim will discover her true nature when she moves to the Mystical Isle.”

  “Will my zoo be cool on the Mystical Isle?” I asked, feeling a little pushy and uncertain. However, I wasn’t going to live in the backwoods of Kentucky if the love of my immortal life was on a fucking island.

  Madison glanced up at me with surprised delight in her eyes. “I was going to offer to move into the woods with you.”

  “Nope,” I told my beautiful nut bag. “I’d like to live on the beach for a few centuries. I can shift and run anywhere.”

  “The zoo will fit in fine,” she promised with a giggle. “It’s a zoo there already—just without fur.”

  “Perfect. Do you think there are any lesser gods in this dungeon?” I asked as I pulled her to her feet and we tucked Neville safely back into the pack.

  “There’s only one way to find out,” Madison replied, grimacing.

  “Let’s do it.”

  And we did.

  17

  Madison

  Six lesser gods sat chained in filthy cages and they didn’t look good. The chains clearly prohibited magic or the cages never would have held them. They sported missing appendages and were bruised and bloody.

  Poseidon hadn’t lied, but as usual he omitted a bunch of details. This side of the dungeon was far more updated than the other side, but no less inhumane. The gods were missing body parts, but they would grow back. However, there was one prisoner here who was not a god at all.

  “Petunia?” I blurted out in shock as I stared at my cousin who I hadn’t seen in at least a century. She was a wild child and a half. Actually, if there ever was a swimming hooker, it was Petunia. “What in the ever-lovin’ Seven Seas are you doing in the dungeon of the Gnome Palace?”

  “Funny you should ask,” Petunia said with an enormous eye roll. “But first off, you look ahhhhhmazing, Madison!”

  “Thank you,” I squealed. Petunia was a gorgeous redhead and a compliment from my cousin was rare. “I’m in love.”

  “With the hot guy wearing a backpack who smells like wee-wee?” she asked with a raised brow.

  “Umm… yes,” I said, wanting to smack her.

  I also wanted to explain why my man smelled funky, but Neville was still a secret. Until I had a knee to nuts conversation with Poseidon, anything related to the little dude was off limits—even to my cousin.

  “Okay,” Rick said, giving Petunia the stink eye for insulting him. “We’re getting all of you out of here. If we unchain you, can you transport yourselves back to Mount Olympus?”

  A chorus of disgruntled, snippy, and pissed off yesses came back and I rolled my eyes. Did they think we were going to bust their uppity asses out and they fly them home on a magic carpet that we yanked out of our butts? After the shit we’d been through, ungrateful lesser gods were not working for me.

  “You know what Rick?” I said, rolling my neck and flipping off the rude lesser gods. “I’m really not in the mood to break out unappreciative jackholes. You feeling me?”

  Petunia raised her hand. “Not ungrateful over here,” she called out. “Just somewhat loose in the morals department and seriously vain.”

  “No worries,” I told my cousin. “I’ve got your back.”

  “She’s kind of rude,” Rick muttered to me, clearly still put out about the wee-wee comment.

  “She’s completely and utterly socially unacceptable, but she’s my cousin.”

  “Roger that,” he said with a grin.

  Gods, I adored him.

  Walking over to Petunia’s cell, I examined the lock. It was too bad we hadn’t found keys, but at least the locks weren’t secured with magic. Rick’s fangs could take care of these babies in a hot sec. My wolf was very talented.

  “So you want to explain yourself?” I asked, eyeing my voluptuous cousin.

  “Not really,” she said. “But I suppose I have to.”

  “Yep. Spit it out, cousin.”

  She sighed dramatically and tried to hide her mangled arm and hand from me. The thought of my flighty, beautiful cousin being tortured made my blood boil, but I stayed calm. It wouldn’t do for me to blow up something and alert the Gnome army of our presence when we were so close to being out of here.

  Petunia was proud. My pointing out that she wasn’t her normal stunning self would not help matters. I just needed to get her out of here and safely home—not that she had one as far as I knew. Petunia usually went where the ocean breeze blew her. Clearly, that wasn’t working out so great. After we got her out of here, she was going to plant her ass on the Mystical Isle for a while and let me and my sisters take care of her.

  “Well, there was a secret party—or at least I thought there was,” she said, shrugging her slim shoulders. “I wasn’t invited, which was ridiculous. So I went. Due to my unfortunate need to socialize, I got kidnapped. End of story.”

  “Umm… there’s a lot missing from that story.” I rolled my eyes and grimaced. If she didn’t want to tell me yet, that was fine. I’d get it out of her eventually.

  “It wasn’t a party,” one of the more unpleasant lesser gods huffed rudely. He stared down his long pointy nose at us and tsked. “It was a set up for disaster.”

  “What do you mean?” Rick asked as his fangs dropped and he unlocked Petunia’s cage and then bit through the chains that bound her and blocked her magic.

  “Unacceptable,” another lesser god hissed. “The cages of the gods will be opened before that of a common Mermaid. Lock her back up at once and release me.”

  “Is that fucker for real?” Rick growled, glancing over at me.

  “ʼFraid so,” I told him with a shake of my head. “Lesser gods are dicks.”

  “You got that right,” he said.

  “I can’t believe this,” yet another rude lesser god commented condescendingly. “First he sets us up and then he sends a swimming hooker and a wolf to save us? What has the Universe come to?”

  “Duuuude,” I snarled as my fingers began to spit ominous pink sparks. “It would be in your best interests to shut your nasty cake hole. Now.”

  “Is she speaking to me?” he snapped, completely shocked. “Is that common Mermaid speaking that way to a god?”

  Rick was done.

  “Listen to me, you little smart-mouthed weenie nardhole. If you ever call my certifiably insane woman a swimming hooker again, I will shift and tear your innards out. I will then shove them into your ill-mannered mouth right before I rip your head from your shoulders. You feel me, dude?”

  “Oookay, girlfriend,” Petunia said with a wide smile. “Wee-wee man is soooooo hot.”

  “Right?” I said, tingling with pride. “He’s hot and completely off his rocker. Perfect for me.”

  “You’ve got that right, cousin,” Petunia said as she exited her cell and eyed the lesser gods with disgust. “You idiots have been bitching like teenage girls on the rag the entire time we’ve been here. Honestly, if the Gnomes hadn’t been torturing me, I would have ripped my own gorgeous ears off my head to have some peace and quiet down here.”

  “Impertinent,” a god muttered.

  “Yep.” She bowed to Rick in thanks and then turned her attention back to the lesser god
s. “And I’m done with your small minded asses. You know,” Petunia said with an evil little smirk. “I’d always thought gods were gifted in the junk department. Guess I was wrong.”

  “Ewwwww,” I choked out with a gag. “You’ve been up close and personal with their junk?”

  “They wish,” Petunia said with a laugh and then sobered quickly. “No. Unfortunately, I’ve seen their less than stellar bits. The Gnomes strip us bare before torture—more humiliating that way.”

  “Speaking of Gnomes,” Rick said tersely as he quickly and expertly unlocked all the cages, and then worked through the chains binding the lesser gods. “We need to haul ass out of here before today’s torture time.”

  The gods huddled together and continued to insult us. I was ready to send a blast of magic and permanently shut their mannerless mouths for good, but that was not a great plan. Lesser gods were still gods—even though they defined the word dick.

  “All right, boys,” Rick said. “While you figure out how to say thank you, you should probably get your sorry asses out of here. Now. You should have enough power now that the chains are off.”

  “There is no need for us to thank commoners,” the god with the unfortunate nose informed us. “It was your good fortune to get to save us.”

  Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I visualized swimming in the crystal blue ocean while Rick ran on the beach and watched me. The picture in my mind calmed me. It would be a bad plan to exterminate the jacknards we’d been tasked to save—even though they deserved it.

  “I’d like to suggest you poof on out of here,” I said, narrowing my eyes dangerously as the crew. “The only reason you’re still breathing is because Poseidon wants you back and I love the soused green haired weirdo.”

  “Poseidon is the reason we’re here,” one snarled. “He shall pay dearly for this folly.”

  Rick shook his head, pulled two wicked looking daggers from his belt, closed his eyes and threw them. The god was now pinned to the wall. It was so hot, I was tempted to jump him, but the timing was bad.

  “Duuuude,” he said to the dazed and shocked dummy. “If I were you, I wouldn’t smack talk a guy who can get away with wearing a fucking diaper and somehow make it work.”

  “May I reiterate,” Petunia said, clapping her hands. “The wee-wee wolf is seriously hot.”

  I nodded and grinned.

  “You shall pay for that, along with the God of the Sea,” another god shouted as they all disappeared in a cloud of musty blue smoke.

  “Good riddance to bad rubbish,” Petunia said, waving her hand to dissipate the icky smoke left in wake of their departure.

  “What was that crap about Poseidon?”

  “Who knows?” Petunia said with a shrug. “They babbled on and on how Poseidon set them up to be kidnapped. They’re insane.”

  My eyes shot to Rick’s in alarm and his narrowed in thought.

  “You think they’re telling the truth?” he asked, reaching back to make sure Neville was still okay.

  “If they are, Poseidon has some ʼsplainin’ to do,” I said, darkly. “A whole bunch of ʼsplainin’.”

  “Well, there’s no time like today to smack down on the God of the Sea,” Rick said with a chuckle and a headshake. “You ladies ready to say goodbye to this joint?”

  “You have no idea how much I’m ready to say goodbye,” Petunia muttered as she walked toward the hallway to the exit. “I need a pedicure and to soak in some salt water.”

  Rick took my hand in his and grinned. “This was too easy.”

  “I know. Right? I guess playing it safe works sometimes,” I said, patting Neville through the backpack. “Let’s get you home to your mommy.”

  Famous last words… the explosive sound and the screams of agony made us liars.

  Nothing worthwhile was ever that easy.

  The time to play it safe was over.

  18

  Rick

  For a brief moment, I considered leaving the backpack behind. We were about to deal with Gnomes that were not the good kind. Keeping Neville strapped to my back was dangerous. However, leaving him behind could be deadly.

  “Stay back here,” Madison instructed Petunia as we sprinted past her towards the entrance of the dungeon.

  “Tiny and Bart weren’t armed,” I growled, moving faster. “They won’t stand a chance against one of the army Gnomes.”

  “Wouldn’t have mattered,” Madison said, producing wicked looking daggers from thin air and getting ready to use them. “They told me the weapons they carried when they greeted us were fake. The Undesirables aren’t allowed to protect themselves.”

  “For fucking real?” I snarled and almost stopped in shock and fury. Only Madison’s forward motion made me keep going.

  The need to do some major damage consumed me. The hierarchy of the Gnome world was bullshit.

  “Go for the nards. If we can incapacitate, I can behead them,” I told her.

  “Got it,” she said with a curt nod. “Nards first. Heads next.”

  Putting my hand on her to slow her pace, we crouched low. The screaming had ceased. That never boded well.

  “Stay against the wall,” I whispered. “I’d bet my canines they’re still there.”

  Nodding silently Madison plastered herself against the wall and we inched our way toward the iron door.

  “On three… we go,” she said softly, choking up on her daggers and checking the ones still in her belt.

  Her eyes were lit with excitement and I knew mine matched. We were certifiable and insanely perfect for each other.

  “Nards first,” I mouthed with a small grin.

  Holding up her fingers, she counted us down. It reminded me of our show, but this was far more real. Madison and I were nuts, but we never would have harmed each other. The thrill was the danger. This was far more than danger. This was potential death.

  However, it wasn’t going to be ours.

  We had way too fucking much to live for.

  Entrances were our forte and we made an excellent one. Not surprisingly, the audience wasn’t thrilled to see us. Apparently, we weren’t as famous with the army as we were with the Undesirables. However, we were outstanding at drawing the audience in and enjoyed it thoroughly. This show was no exception.

  “Nards. Now,” I growled as I cocked back to throw my knives at a few hairy midget sweet pickles flanked by two mini sets of peas.

  The expressions on the faces of the Gnomes would have been funny if Tiny and Bart weren’t lying dead at their feet. It looked as if Tiny’s head was only attached by a few arteries and Bart was covered in so much green blood I couldn’t even discern his head from the rest of his mutilated body.

  The evil fuckers had worked fast. Of course, it helped tremendously that they were armed and Tiny and Bart were not.

  Now the playing field was level.

  The split-second hesitation from the four murderous Gnomes as they recognized us was all the time we needed. In perfect unison, Madison and I each hurled the daggers we carried.

  And it perfect unison they hit their tiny hairy targets.

  “Sweet Poseidon in gauchos,” Madison gasped out as her mouth formed a perfect O. “You were right.”

  “Told ya so,” I said as all four of the bastards curled into balls and began to scream like teenage girls at a Jonas Brothers’ concert. “It lasts a half hour. I’m gonna shift and behead them.”

  “One of them is mine,” Madison hissed. “For Tiny and Bart.”

  I nodded and began to remove my clothes. Laying the backpack gently on the floor, I shook my head. Neville was going to need a lot of love and a fucking therapist when we got him home. No child should be witness to any of this—even one with the blood of a king and the blood of a god running through his veins.

  “Keep your pecker covered, wee-wee wolf,” Petunia ground out in a voice that was gods damned chilling as she walked through the door and examined the carnage. “All four are mine. These are my buddi
es. They had a play date with me every day for a month. Turnabout is fair play.”

  “Do you have enough power to do it?” Madison asked her cousin with concern. “Rick and I can take care of this. You’ve been through enough.”

  Petunia’s eyes blazed red and her voice was hollow. “If you love me, you will let me do this. I need to do this.”

  Touching Madison’s shoulder, I gently pulled her back. Vengeance rightly belonged to Petunia. And vengeance she would have.

  “I love you,” Madison said. “You do what you have to do.”

  “If I had the time I would use every spike, every torch, every whip, every blade and every ounce of searing hot boiling water that you used on me,” she said calmly as the screaming Gnomes tried in vain to roll away from her. “But I’m much too good for that. I like to serve death swiftly and with class—something you wouldn’t know about. You feel me?”

  In the blink of an eye, Petunia beheaded all four Gnomes without even touching them. With a staccato clap of her hands, glimmering blood red magic swirled through the room and sliced right through the necks of the enormous Gnomes. Their heads rolled away and Petunia smiled.

  “Didn’t even break a nail,” she said with a shrug.

  “Remind me never to get on your cousin’s bad side,” I muttered as Petunia kicked one of the rolling decapitated heads so hard it exploded.

  “Will do,” Madison said.

  “Tiny and Bart not dead,” Neville’s muffled voice came from the far side of the room.

  “Umm… not sure if you’re aware of this,” Petunia said, glancing back with a raised brow. “But your backpack can talk.”

  “Yep,” Madison said as she knelt down and tried to access if Neville was correct about Tiny and Bart. “It’s a very special backpack.”

  “It also wee-wees,” I added, hoping she put two and two together and realized I hadn’t wet my own pants. I didn’t need Petunia to go back home and tell Madison’s sisters that I needed a diaper.

  Neville crawled out of the pack, toddled over and knelt down next to Madison. Petunia eyed the child with curiosity, but was smart enough not to ask questions.