Madison's Mess

by Robyn Peterman

  “You wrong,” Neville said with a giggle.

  The giggle was weird coming out of something the size of a house, but it was one hundred percent Neville.

  “Me part Gnome and part god. You is scum,” Neville said in a growly voice. “You kill me daddy and you hurt me people. You is done.”

  “NEVER,” King Stew hissed as spittle flew from his mouth and covered his face.

  As the King raised his arm high with the dagger in it, Neville again waved his hand. However, this time his wave caused a strong breeze to rip through the room. Grabbing onto Rick and Bonar so I didn’t blow away, I watched in awe as the enchanted wind wrapped Kim in a loving embrace and pulled her from the Gnome King’s deadly embrace.

  “Me people,” Neville commanded the wind.

  The wind did his bidding.

  Gently lifting the prone undesirables from the ground, the magical breeze brought them to the ginormous feet of their savior. Neville bent down and gently patted their heads.

  “You be okay now. Me promise,” he told them and then stood back up to his full height. “Come to me, mommy.”

  Still wrapped in the wind, Kim floated to her beloved son and threw herself at him. She only came up to his hairy knee, but the love was abundantly obvious.

  “Care for me mommy, Booonar. Me not done here.”

  With a nod of delighted approval, Bonar shielded Kim in his arms. “Would be honored, me matey,” Bonar replied.

  The story of the demise of the evil Gnome King would be passed down through many generations. The story would grow with time and exaggeration, but the real version was pretty damned good.

  In a fit of rage and an accurate idea that his mortality was in serious jeopardy, the Gnome King made a run for it. Neville had been correct about not needing to move to save his beloved mommy. However, he had made no promises about moving to end the tyrant that had tried to destroy his race. But as the story goes, he only had to move a little.

  As the King sprinted from the room on that fated day, Neville took one giant step—just one. That was all he needed to take since he was over a hundred feet tall—according to the exaggerated version of the story.

  In his haste to escape, the King hadn’t even seen it coming. He was too consumed with his own life to see the dark shadow in the shape of a massive Gnome foot hovering over his head. And when he did it was too late.

  With a toddler’s giggle and a sickeningly loud crunch, the savior of the Gnomes stepped on the villainous bastard. The evil King was crunched to a gooey pile of gunk under the foot of his very own grandson.

  Karma was a bitch and best served without much movement—just ask Neville.

  But the best part of the story—and this part was always the same no matter who was relaying it—was the comment from the brave and very handsome Werewolf, better known as Jack Rick with the enormous dick. His shouted exclamation of, “Motherfucker, that had to hurt,” was now the bestselling t-shirt in the land.

  20

  Rick

  “Motherfucker, that had to hurt,” I shouted as the evil assnard of a King was crunched to death by a foot that had to wear at least a size 100 shoe.

  “Holy hell and seashells,” Madison grunted with a wince as Neville stepped back and examined the results. “That was gnarly.”

  “Understatement,” I added with an impressed shake of my head.

  “Me done now,” Neville said with a giggle as he morphed back to his little alien dude size.

  Kim wrapped her child in her arms and kissed his face all over. “I love you so much,” she said, glaring at the smiling toddler. “I will let this one slide, but I do not ever want to hear about you stepping on people again. And no stowing away in cars. Am I clear?”

  “Yep,” he said, yawning. “Me tired.”

  “Me too,” Poseidon bellowed as he poofed in on the scene about an hour or two or ten too late.

  Madison marched right over to the God of the Sea and whacked him in the head. “Well, if it isn’t the diaper wearing buttdong. You have some explaining to do.”

  “What did you just call me?” Poseidon demanded, squinting at my Mermaid.

  “A diaper wearing buttdong,” I volunteered, quickly stepping in front of Madison to take any wrath that the soused old fart decided to dish out. He wasn’t going to zap my gal. Ever. If he tried I would shove his diaper so far up his arse, it would get stuck in his throat. “And she’s correct. You have some serious explaining to do.”

  Poseidon laughed like the loon that he was and scanned the room. Walking over to the gooey remains of King Stew, he nodded with satisfaction. “Job well done.”

  “Grand Pappy!” Neville shouted joyously as he slid out of his mother’s embrace and charged over to the green haired dumbass. “Me is Neville!”

  “Oh, I know who you are,” Poseidon said, lifting the child into his arms and hugging him close. “It’s nice to meet you in person finally.”

  “You forgot your clothes,” Neville pointed out with a giggle.

  As usual, the god was sporting only a diaper.

  “Aye, that I did,” Poseidon said, delighted with the child.

  “What’s going on here?” Kim demanded, narrowing her eyes dangerously at Poseidon. “You’re the one from my dreams. What do you want with my son?”

  “My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson,” Poseidon corrected a shocked Kim. “Which makes you a descendant of mine as well, young lady.”

  And, at that bizarre piece of news, Kim promptly passed out cold. Bonar held his love in his arms and nodded to Poseidon. Kim could get caught up on her colorful history when she woke up. Right now, it was the soused God of the Sea’s turn to spill it.

  “Did you get your lesser gods back?” I questioned, watching his reactions carefully.

  “Aye, I did,” he replied, studying his fingernails. “Thank you for that. Those dicks are home and no worse for the wear. All’s well that ends well.”

  “Nope,” Madison snapped. “Not buying it. You set them up to be kidnapped. Didn’t you?”

  Poseidon lifted a bushy green brow as a smirk formed on his lips.

  “Well, that certainly sucks since I got caught up in the bullshit,” Petunia commented, flipping a surprised Poseidon off.

  “This piece of information I didn’t know,” Poseidon said, sounding less drunk than I’d ever heard him. He crossed to Petunia and patted her head lovingly. “I’m sorry, child. If I had known, I would have retrieved you.”

  Petunia nodded her head and sighed. “Serves me right for crashing a party.”

  “Where do you reside now?” he questioned.

  “On the Mystical Isle,” Madison butted in, giving her cousin the eyeball and daring her to argue. “She is coming home with me… and Rick.”

  “Interesting,” Poseidon said with a wide grin. “Thought neither of you daredevils were in the market for a keeper.”

  “You’re avoiding questions, old man,” I said.

  “Thought you wouldn’t notice that,” he said with a chuckle, pulling a bottle of rum from his diaper and throwing back a healthy swig. “Anyone?” he asked, offering up his booze.

  No one took him up on it since it had been hanging out with his balls for gods only knew how long.

  “More for me,” he said, taking another swig. “So ask your questions. I’m in a chatty mood.”

  “You had those dicks kidnapped?” Madison repeated.

  “If you’re referring to the lesser gods, then yes,” he replied, cagily.

  “And you knew Kim worked on Bitchin’ in the Kitchen’?” I demanded, still not clear on why he done all he’d done.

  “Of course, I had her hired.”

  “The bar you sent us to?” I asked. “You knew the Gnomes and Kim would be there?”

  “Yep.”

  “Did you have the show canceled?” Madison asked, perplexed.

  “Gods no,” Poseidon said. “You two did tha
t one all on your own.”

  “Makes sense,” I muttered.

  “It really does,” Madison said with a giggle.

  Taking her hand in mine, I glared at Poseidon. “And the Gnome King?” I pressed, thinking about how we all could have bitten the dust. I liked living on the edge, but only the edge. “You wanted him dead?”

  “Didn’t we all?” Poseidon shot back.

  “Then why didn’t you just do it?” Madison hissed. “You created a freakin’ shit show of almost deadly proportions by meddling in everyone’s lives.”

  “Because I couldn’t,” Poseidon bellowed. “I’m not permitted to interfere in the lives of species not under my jurisdiction. Breaking the Laws of Nature come with jail time in Hades and stiff fines. And there is no rum in prison,” he added with a shudder and took another belt off the bottle.

  “Could have fooled me. I’m not in your jurisdiction,” I said. I was a Werewolf not an ocean creature.

  “You owed me,” he pointed out victoriously. “Therefore I had the gods’ given right to mess with you.”

  “Didn’t owe you. Already repaid my debt,” I reminded him.

  “Shit. You’re right. My bad,” Poseidon said with a large grin. “Are you unhappy that I messed with you, boy?”

  Damn it. He had me there. I wasn’t mad at all. Not about any of it. Madison was the greatest thing to happen to me in my very long and lonely life. I would do everything again and then some to have won her love.

  “Hold your seahorses. You set Rick and me up to fall in love?” Madison shouted.

  “I definitely set you up,” Poseidon said, still grinning from ear to ear. “I was only hoping the two most certifiably insane people I’ve ever come across would fall in love.”

  “That’s certainly an interesting comment coming from you, considering you’re batshit crazy,” Petunia pointed out.

  “You don’t know Rick yet,” Madison said with pride, squeezing my hand. “My Werewolf makes the diaper wearing buttdong look sane.”

  “Thank you,” I told the love of my life. “And you’re the most beautiful certifiably crazy assed woman I’ve ever met.”

  “Isn’t he the bomb?” Madison gushed. “And we stab each other too.”

  “Umm… not going to touch that one,” Petunia said as she grabbed Poseidon’s rum and drank the rest of the bottle.

  Guess she didn’t care about a little ball sweat.

  “So if we’re done with the interrogation, I say we take this party outside. Smells like Zeus’ ass on a Thursday in here—the idiot only bathes on Fridays,” Poseidon explained.

  “Not so fast,” I said with a slight gag. “Why? I still don’t know why you did everything. And PS, that was TMI about Zeus.”

  “My bad,” he said contritely.

  “No worries. Just don’t want to hear about the gods’ hygiene, or lack thereof. Makes my gag reflex kick in,” I replied. “Keep talking, you old fart.”

  “Do I have to explain everything?” the god asked with an enormous eye roll.

  “YES,” everyone in the room shouted.

  “Fine,” Poseidon pouted and pulled another bottle of rum from his man diaper. “Quite some time ago, back when gods boinking humans was all the rage, I met and mated with a lovely woman. Kim is from that line.”

  “Oookkaaay,” Madison said. “You boinked a human. We got that part. You’ve boinked a lot. You have over nine hundred children.” Madison froze and blanched. “Sweet hell and slimy seashells, Kim is related to Pirate Doug. She’s gonna shit.”

  “Who’s Pirate Doug?” I asked.

  “The nard my sister married.”

  “That nard is also my son,” Poseidon added with a nod of agreement at the assessment his offspring was a nard. “Anyhoo, Neville’s life was in danger and it was time to end the suffering of the Gnome race. Normally, we leave the leadership of species up to the species themselves. However, once Stew offed his son, we figured it was fair game to step in.”

  “How did you end up in charge of this particular shit show?” I asked, knowing there was more—there was always more with Poseidon. “Did you lose at strip poker?”

  “Good guess, boy,” he said with a laugh. “But no. I took this one on personally since my own flesh and blood was involved. I see this as a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth. Neville and Kim are safe. You and Madison are in love. King Stew is dead and the Gnomes can live in peace until Neville is of age to rule them.”

  “Who will rule the Gnomes until Neville grows up?” Madison asked.

  “That’s a fine question, my little pink-haired daredevil,” Poseidon said. He turned to Neville who was cuddled happily in Tiny’s hairy arms. “Who do you choose to rule in your stead until the time is right for you to take your rightful throne?”

  Neville smiled sleepily at Poseidon. “Me choose Tiny and Bart to rule while me grow up. And me also wear diaper when me become the Gnome King.”

  Poseidon’s bellow of laughter filled the chamber. “Excellent choice of proxy and outstanding choice of fashion. You will be a fine leader someday. Nooowwww are we ready to take this party outside?”

  “We are,” I said, pulling Madison close to my side. “It’s time to go home. Home where we belong.”

  21

  Madison

  “Wow,” I said, watching the Undesirables sing and dance with joy so pure my eyes watered. They were not undesirable. They never were. The most undesirable one of all was now a pile of goo. Poseidon’s methods sucked all kinds of butt, but the end results were stellar.

  As Tiny and Bart relayed the story, hundreds of Gnomes went to their knees and bowed to Neville. The plan for Tiny and Bart to rule for a while until Neville grew up was accepted with shouts of delight. After a prolonged and reverent bow, the party started again. It was kind of stinky since all the Gnomes enjoyed dancing with their arms in the air, but at this point I was getting used to it. Their happiness outweighed my need for unpolluted air by a long shot.

  “This is great,” Rick shouted, swinging me around. “Bonar said that a Pirate called Upton is watching over the animals in his absence and would be happy to sail my zoo to the Mystical Isle. Isn’t that fucking awesome?”

  “Yes,” I squealed, planting a kiss on the lips of the man that was going to make eternity a whole lot more fun. “Guess what I did?” My stomach tingled and my smile was so wide that it hurt my mouth.

  “What did you do, Mermaid?” he asked, tilting his head and grinning.

  “I made reservations for us to go blowhole diving in Hawaii, Werewolf,” I announced as his eyes lit up like fireworks.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you more,” I said with a laugh.

  “Not possible,” Rick said, growing serious. “That’s not possible.”

  Before I could argue the point, Poseidon tapped Rick on the shoulder. “Some people are here to see you, boy.”

  “Who?” he asked, turning his head to see.

  His body tensed and he held me so tight I thought I might break. Slowly releasing me as if he forgot I was there, he left me with Poseidon and warily approached the fifty people waiting for an audience with him. I knew immediately it was his pack. The man in front was a dead ringer for my Werewolf.

  “Rob,” Rick said, flatly.

  “Rick,” Rob said, eyeing his brother. “We have come to offer an olive branch.”

  “I don’t really like olives much,” Rick replied.

  All the Gnomes halted their revelry and watched the unfolding drama. Jack Rick with the enormous dick was very beloved in this community. He was a rock star of sorts. If anyone fucked with him—even his own kind—the Gnomes were not gonna have it.

  “Always have to have the last word,” Rob said, extending his hand to his brother.

  It seemed like an eternity before Rick took his brother’s hand, but as he did Rob pulled him into an embrace and held him tight.

  “Is that his brother?” Poseidon asked quietly, offering me some rum.

 
I nodded and took the bottle. My throat was so choked with emotion, I didn’t care that the bottle probably had ball sweat on it. I needed a hit of something strong so I didn’t cry. I couldn’t imagine my life without my sisters. Seeing Rick with his brother made my insides wonky. Family was everything.

  “We are proud of what you have done here and want to welcome you back into the pack,” Rob said, drawing back but keeping a hand on his Rick. “What do you say?”

  Rick said nothing. He continued to stare at his brother. From my vantage point I couldn’t see Rick’s face, but I could only imagine his happiness. If my sisters had banished me and then wanted me back, I would go willingly. My stomach continued to churn and I felt lightheaded.

  “I’ll be retiring soon and the honor of being Alpha shall be yours.”

  Still, Rick said nothing. Why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he tell them about me?

  “And to show that we are of true intention, we have brought your mate with us. She is ready and willing to be yours.”

  A gorgeous blonde haired woman approached Rick and knelt at his feet. My stomach now felt like it had been punched so hard it would never recover. Turning and running to the very same Mulberry tree we’d hidden under earlier, I let the tears flow. I needed the ocean. I would die without it. My sisters were my anchor and without them, I would float out to sea and be lost forever. Did Rick need his own kind as well? What kind of horrible selfish Mermaid was I to be happy that he was going to leave his world behind to join mine?

  “Madison?” Poseidon said, peeking through the leaves.

  I almost laughed. The leaves matched his hair and he looked ridiculous. But the giggle got stuck in my throat.

  “Tell me what’s wrong, child.”

  “I love him,” I whispered.

  “That doesn’t seem to be a problem,” he said, coming under the tree with me and again offering me rum.

  Alcohol would not dull the horrible pain I was feeling. Plus it was insanely difficult for an immortal to get drunk. Poseidon was an anomaly.