Bathwater Blues: A Novel
Page 23
He crossed the yard to the water pump and drank. When he was done, he wiped his mouth and stood looking up at the dark face of the main property, at the windows with their black shutters. He wondered if the doctor slept…
“Can’t sleep?”
Bud jumped back, nearly out of his own skin. Nuala sat on the hood of the pickup truck, dangling her bare feet above the dirt.
“Did I startle you?”
“You know you did.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
Bud got one last gulp of water and then turned to head back to the guesthouse.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she called after him.
Bud stopped.
“I don’t know if this is working.” He kicked at the dirt with his heel, head bent. “I don’t feel better at all. I don’t feel any different, really.”
“What’s happened?”
“Nothing’s happened. That’s it. I just feel the same as when I got here. I haven’t realized anything or had any breakthroughs. I just feel lonely all over again.”
“Why do you feel lonely?”
Bud observed the way Nuala sat on the pickup. She didn’t grin. Her feet didn’t bob. She gave no sign of being entertained. That was comforting, at least.
“Because I’m… I don’t know. I don’t relate to the others. Just like I didn’t relate to anyone back home. I just feel… separate.”
“Have you felt that way here all along? Or is this new?”
“I thought…” He realized her questions were bringing him right to the problem at hand, to the things he knew were bothering him, and he wondered if it was done knowingly on her part. How much did she already know? “Everyone else seems distracted by something. Joanna has her dog. Addie and Lyle have each other, it seems… I don’t know where I fit in. I thought Addie and I were, I don’t know… friends or something, I guess. But now it’s like I never existed. I feel stupid for feeling that way. I could be jumping to conclusions. But I feel it anyway. I can’t give her what Lyle can. I wouldn’t want to, but… I just feel like I’m by myself again.”
“Do you want my opinion?”
Bud sighed. He pulled himself up straighter, scratched the back of his head, waited to hear something he didn’t want to hear.
“Sure.”
“I think you’ll feel lonely no matter where you are or who you’re with.”
“Well that’s reassuring…”
“You haven’t learned to be comfortable with yourself. Keep shaking your head, but it’s true. How can you feel part of something when you’re not actually putting yourself out there for it? Your real self, not what you want others to see.”
“I am myself.”
“No, you’re not. You keep quiet most of the time despite having a lot to say. You’re afraid of what other people will think.”
“Is that so terrible? I think more people should keep what they think to themselves…”
“You can’t be perfect. No one can, though I’d say most spend all their time pretending to be. It’s a lie. The only way to break free from that is to see the lie for what it is.”
Bud laughed. “This is something I’d expect to hear on one of my mom’s sappy television programs. Very inspirational and cute.”
“It’s not a joke.”
“I know.”
“It’s not.”
“I know.”
“Bud…” Nuala slipped off the hood of the pickup and approached him. He tensed. She took each of his hands in hers. “What do you hate most about yourself?”
Her eyes were like glistening ponds in an otherwise dark plain, staring intently upon him.
“I don’t know…”
“You do know.”
He thought he knew what she wanted him to say, but he didn’t know how true it was, or if it was just the easiest answer. Or perhaps its truth made it the easiest?
“I guess I hate what I am.”
“What’s that?”
“You know.”
“You have to say it.”
“Gay.”
Nuala crouched just slightly enough for their eyes to be level. He dared not meet them with his own.
“Why?”
“Because I’m different. People don’t understand it.”
“Who are these people?”
“My family. My friends… if I had any.”
“Do these people care about you?”
“Yes.”
“What makes you think so?”
“I… well … they love me.”
“Do they?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
“They’re my family. I grew up with them. They raised me.”
“They raised you to be like them?”
“Yes.”
“Then why aren’t you like them?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re different.”
“I know.”
“But they don’t understand.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No, they don’t understand.”
“Whose fault is that?”
“I don’t know.”
“If they cared about you, don’t you think they’d try?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I understand it.”
“You still think you can change it.”
“I…”
“You’ve already tried.”
“I…”
“You know.”
“That doesn’t mean something isn’t wrong with me.”
“How could it mean that something is wrong with you?”
“Because it’s not normal. I should be like them.”
“Says who?”
“I don’t know, Nuala. I don’t know.”
“What’s it really hurting?”
Bud’s thoughts fell off course. He realized he was staring at his feet.
“Huh?”
“What’s it really hurting? Who are you hurting?”
“My family.”
“How?”
“They’re ashamed.”
“Ashamed of what? That their son is different?”
“I guess.”
“Who are you hurting?”
“I just—”
“Who are you really hurting? So your family is ashamed. Big deal. They don’t understand and they don’t want to try. That’s them. They’re hurting you and they’re hurting themselves, too. Who are YOU hurting?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want me to give you the answer? Will you believe it?”
“I don’t know.”
Nuala let his hands loose and he dropped them at his sides. She straightened, towering over him like she did. Still he couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eyes.
“You’re full of love just like anyone else. Do you believe that?”
“I guess.”
“It’s true.”
“Okay.”
“You deserve love just like anyone else.”
“Okay.”
“You need to know that.”
“…”
“But it’s got to start with you first. You’re not going to find it anywhere else until you’ve found it there. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“I imagine it must be difficult feeling rejected by the ones who should love you the most.”
Bud nodded.
“If they do love you, they’ll come around. It’ll eat them up inside. They’ll have to reason with themselves, just the same as you. It takes time. And if they don’t come around, well… then you’re better off without their poison. I know it’s hard to figure out for yourself, but you will. And unless there’s something broken in them, something gone bad in their heads, an inability to learn or to reflect or something of that nature… I’m sure they’ll figure it out too.”
“I hope so.”
“I do too. But don’t let the waiting ho
ld you back. It could take them until their deathbeds to realize it. Move on, for now. You have bigger things ahead of you.”
“Nuala?”
“Yes?”
“How do you know this stuff?”
Now it was Nuala who looked away. Only then could Bud meet her eyes, indirectly.
“I know what it means to be rejected. I know how it feels to be ashamed of something you didn’t choose. I’m lucky that I get to help others now alongside the doctor. I’m grateful for him.”
“What is your story?”
“A long one. I’d rather we focused on yours for now.”
“Okay.”
She smiled and he had to fight not to lower his gaze.
“You confuse me,” he said.
“How is that?”
“It’s just… sometimes you seem one way, and then in an instant you’re completely different.”
“You mean I’m not the same all the time?” she asked, humored.
“I don’t know… I guess I just didn’t expect you to… care… this much. I thought you were just fulfilling the doctor’s orders, and you were entertained by seeing us react to his tests or whatever.”
“Are you getting that from Addie?”
“I noticed it, too. I mean… Addie pointing it out made me notice a little more, maybe.”
“I have off days just like anyone else. Being the doctor’s assistant isn’t easy. As neutral as I’m meant to be, there are still always hurdles when it comes to familiarizing myself with the new faces. I hope my behavior hasn’t made you think ill of me.”
“No. Not at all.”
“The truth is I love helping others. It gives me purpose. But I’m not infallible, and sometimes I catch myself in my old ways.”
“Old ways?”
Nuala patted him on the shoulder, squeezed his arm once reassuringly.
“I think it’s time you go back to bed, Bud.”
With that, she turned and left into the doctor’s house.
When Bud closed the front door of the guesthouse behind him, he noticed someone standing at the kitchen counter in the dark.
“Hello?”
The figure, leaning against the counter, erected in posture.
“What were the two of you talking about out there?”
It was Lyle’s voice.
“Oh. Not much, really.”
“No?”
“I needed a drink and she happened to be there. What are you doing up?”
“I thought I’d get a drink too.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Bud started across the foyer toward the hallway, watching the narrow shadow in his peripherals as he passed. The head above its shoulders swiveled to follow him through the dark.
“I always get dehydrated after fucking.”
Bud halted mid step. Lyle giggled, and the disembodied sound was nothing like anything Bud could imagine leaving his lips.
“Sorry. That was an awful thing to say.”
Bud wanted to agree but the words wouldn’t surface.
“It’s too bad it’s just the four of us here, and Joanna isn’t… well, your type.”
Bud’s heart raced. There was a long pause. He felt his body getting tingly with adrenaline, the side effect of confrontation he hated most. Was it confrontation? Lyle laughed again. It was so sudden, the silence between them so thick, Bud hunched his shoulders at the sound, startled. Lyle moved around the table between them, coming closer until they were both standing on the runner rug.
“Listen, I know you’re a faggot, but…” He hung his head as he held back more laughter. “… what do you think of Addie?”
Bud turned to leave. He approached the hallway entrance and Lyle’s footsteps quickened up behind him. His heart gave a leap and he spun on his heel to face him. Lyle was within arm’s reach.
“What do you want?” Bud asked. His voice was thin and shaky and he hated the sound of it.
Lyle stood quiet, as though considering.
“You don’t like me.”
Bud shook his head. “I don’t see why I should.”
“You never liked me.”
“I don’t think you want to be liked.”
Lyle blew hot breath from his nose. “You’ve just got me pegged, don’t you?”
“I don’t know what Addie sees in you.”
Lyle didn’t respond. They stood staring into each other’s featureless faces for a long moment before Bud decided he couldn’t stare any longer and turned back into the hallway toward his room.
“Goodnight,” Lyle said.
✽✽✽
A day came and went. Bud spent it alone for the most part, curled up on one of the couches. It was only when Addie and Lyle came inside and took a seat together across from him, sitting side by side, playing with each other’s hands between them, that Bud got up and took a walk outside.
He wanted to speak to Addie but didn’t know how to get her alone. He had to pick the most opportune time, when Lyle would be elsewhere long enough to say what needed to be said, and that was the trickiest part. They were never out of each other’s sight. Not unless they were using the outhouse, which didn’t provide much time at all.
And so it happened that Lyle was called to the doctor’s that afternoon. Bud was sitting at the edge of the yard and watched as Nuala crossed toward the guesthouse. A couple minutes later she left with Lyle following behind, and Addie watched them go from the porch. Once they were inside the doctor’s home, Addie returned inside. Bud sat a short while longer, feeling the tips of the long grass behind him against his neck, collecting whatever courage he could…
He found Addie not in the foyer or even in her bedroom, but in Lyle’s room, sprawled on his bed. He tapped on the open door to make himself known.
“Hey, you awake?”
She lifted her head and smiled. “Yeah, what’s up?”
He took a cautious glance around the room, at the walls as bare as the rest of their rooms, at the bed on which Addie lay, at the newly installed glass in his window.
“I wanted to talk to you…”
“Sure.” She patted the spot on the bed next to her.
“I don’t think Lyle would like it if I sat on his bed.”
“I don’t think he’d care.”
“I think he would.”
Addie looked at him skeptically. “Is something wrong?”
Bud took one step into the bedroom and stopped.
“Addie, I don’t think Lyle cares for me much.”
“Why do you think that?”
“I don’t know why he doesn’t, I just know he doesn’t.”
“How do you know he doesn’t?”
“I…” He hesitated. “I can just tell. Trust me.”
“Is it Lyle you wanted to talk about?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
Addie cast her wondering eyes along the empty bed around her, and then stood and passed Bud in the doorway.
“All right, we can talk in my room if you’d like.”
They walked to the end of the hall into her room and sat on her bed.
“What did you want to say?”
Bud took his time putting the words together in his mind before setting them loose from his mouth, but no matter how carefully he thought them over he didn’t think he could arrange them sensitively enough. Anything he had to say would come across as an attack on Lyle’s character. After all… that was mostly what’d he’d come to do.
“What is it you like about him?”
“Um… what do you mean?”
Bud sighed. “I know that sounds rude, but I’m genuinely curious. You spend a lot of time together now. You seem to really like him. What do you see in him?”
“I think he’s interesting.”
“Interesting?”
“I can talk to him about pretty much anything. I’ve never had that before. Even the touchiest subjects, he can talk about it so… matter-of-factly, like he’s not afraid or made uncomfortable about a
nything. I haven’t told him much, but I know I could if I wanted.”
This was the hard part. Bud wished he was more tactical in his approach, more diplomatic, but the best he could do was to just come out and say it.
“Why do you think he’s only taken to you and not the rest of us?”
“I approached him first, and he opened up to me. He’s shy.”
“I don’t see him as shy at all.”
Addie shrugged. “Okay…”
“The only thing he’s ever approached me or Joanna with is hostility, and we’ve never done anything to him.”
“Well, if I’m being honest… I don’t think you and Joanna are really giving him a fair chance.”
“What? It’s him who’s not giving us a fair chance. Not the other way around.”
“Well, I can’t help how you feel about that…”
“I think he’s taking advantage of you.”
Addie was taken by surprise.
“Excuse me?”
“You told me yourself that night, about how you have this need for attention. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, exactly… but I don’t think Lyle is the person you should be getting it from.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Yes you do. He’s handsome and he has that going for him, and you’d like nothing more than to have someone like him wanting you in return. Trust me, I know what that feels like. But he’s not how you think he is.”
Addie’s lips moved but she couldn’t speak.
She stood. “I think you should leave.”
“You’re not hearing me,” Bud pleaded. “I know I’m not saying this right…”
“Please leave me alone…”
“Addie, sit down. I’m not trying to—”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“If you could have heard the things he said to me last night, you’d understand—”
“Bud, please. Just leave.”
Exasperated, Bud stood as well. He looked long and hard at Addie but her eyes wouldn’t meet his. She only looked toward the door, where she wished he’d depart.
And so he did.
✽✽✽
They had dinner that night at the fire pit, hotdogs again.
Lyle and Addie sat next to each other, whispering very seriously. Bud watched them across the bright flames, and felt a pang in his heart when he noticed that Addie seemed deliberate in her not looking in his direction. Lyle on the other hand made no such attempt, and many times when his narrowed eyes stung at Bud, Bud pretended not to see him.