by Lindsey Hart
“What day is it?” he asked, alarmed. “Fuck. Don’t we both have to work?”
“Oh, I know I do. But I can put that off. Perks of being my own boss and everything and having friends who have my back. But you? You could be screwed.”
“I’ll call in sick.”
“Oh really?” One dark brow slowly lifted. “You’d do that for me?”
“I’d do it to save my own ass. I have a feeling it’s pretty late judging from the fact that the sun is streaming in here through the window.”
“We definitely overslept. Probably because we were up for half the night.” The blush was back. There was no hiding it. She finally moved away, but it wasn’t to find her clothes.
“Where are you going?” he called out.
She paused in the doorway and if she wasn’t a natural born seductress with all those curves and endless bronzed skin and that lush hair cascading down her back, those curvy hips that ended in a tight ass and long, long legs, he didn’t know what she was.
“I was going to run the shower. You’re filthy. You should probably find your phone, call your work and come join me.”
“Just like that? Come join you?”
“Yup.”
“What about all the bullshit? The fact that we were just talking about having shitty pasts and the fact that I also don’t believe in relationships and love and all that?”
“Well…” Rayvn paused. “Maybe I don’t want to think about that stuff for the day. Maybe I just want it to be us. So, you can either get dressed and ditched out or come find me in the shower. It’s your choice. I won’t tell you which one to make.”
She sauntered off, her soft laughter trailing behind her in the hall. Her footsteps echoed on the boards and then, a moment later, a door closed and a few minutes after that, the hiss of a faucet turning on reached all the way to the bedroom.
Shane threw back the sheets and quilt. Astoundingly, he found that there wasn’t a choice at all.
CHAPTER 15
Rayvn
She didn’t normally cry at work. At least, she hadn’t in a while, so to break down in tears right in the middle of stocking a shelf full of homemade jams was completely embarrassing. It was even worse that Laney was standing right there.
“Rayvn!” She exclaimed, horrified. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Rayvn brushed her tears away with the back of her hand and let out an undignified sniffle. She had no tissues around so she wiped at her nose with the already moist back of her hand.
“No, it’s not nothing!” Laney insisted. Rayvn could see, through the blur of tears, just how worried her friend truly was. “You’re crying for goodness sake. Did something happen? With Shane I mean?”
Of course, she picked the likely option and of course she was right.
“It’s not what you think.”
Rayvn was quick to assure Laney. She didn’t want her thinking bad things about Shane, who, shockingly, after a month, had been nothing but kind. And surprisingly normal. He’d been on his best behavior. She kept waiting for him to try and break it off, to find a stupid excuse, to leave her in the dust, but he didn’t. He showed no signs that he wanted to either.
“Well, do you want to talk about it?”
She didn’t, but it had been bothering her for a long time. Shane came to her house every night or she went to his. “You know that I told you that Shane doesn’t believe in love? Not really?”
“I thought you’d changed his mind.”
“I don’t know if I did. Maybe I did. It’s too soon to tell. He’s done things with me that he hasn’t with anyone else though. I mean, spend the night, let me leave a toothbrush at his place.”
“It sounds more like he has commitment issues.”
“Whatever he has, he’s not like how he was at the start. Neither am I, to be fair. I was pretty jaded. I didn’t believe there was anyone out there. I thought it was all a bunch of bullshit too, even if I didn’t come right out and say it.”
“You did not!”
“Yes, I did.” She nodded slowly. She reached up and wiped the last of her tears away.
“Well if everything is good, then what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Because it’s too good? Are those happy tears?”
“I wish.”
“Oh. You’re waiting for the end. You think that something will happen that will break it up and you’re going to be devastated, since you didn’t plan on caring at all.”
“Kind of.” Laney nodded, but her frown deepened. It was clear she was waiting for Rayvn to come out with the rest of it. “It’s- well- Shane doesn’t want kids. He’s made that pretty clear right from the start. There was that night at the park when he said so and then I’ve kind of tried to bring it up a couple times since then, to see if he was just being a jerk or if he really doesn’t like them.”
“And my guess is he doesn’t.”
“Yeah. I don’t think so.”
“But you do. Obviously.”
“Obviously.”
Laney’s frown went from creasing a line on her brow to wrinkling it completely. “Honestly, Rayvn, I think you know what you have to do. You have to talk to him. I know how much you want to be a mom. Giving that up for someone is only going to make you unhappy. I know you’ll probably have regrets.”
“I know I should, but I’m not ready for it to end.”
“Would it hurt more telling him now or telling him later?”
Rayvn tried to offer a watery sort of smile. “I was hoping that if I waited, he would fuck things up all on his own.”
Laney snorted. “Oh my god. There is something to be said for brutal honesty. Sometimes I quite enjoy it. You don’t think that he’s going to screw things up?”
“Honestly, I thought so at the start. I didn’t know what we were doing. We still haven’t put a label on it, but I know there are starting to be other feelings involved. I’m not the only one getting attached. I never thought it would happen, so I just kept telling myself not to ruin it by bringing that stuff up. It was way too soon anyway.”
“Well he has to know you like kids and want them. Don’t most people?”
“He probably knows that’s why I got mad at him that first date, but I’m not even sure that he could peg that as the reason. There were other asshole things said. He probably just thought I took offense to everything. That seems like so long ago now. I can’t believe it’s only been a month. It seems like we’ve known each other forever.”
“Uh-oh.” Laney frowned again. “That sounds a lot like you’re getting attached and not just a little.”
“I don’t know if I should tell him what happened or if I should wait.”
“It’s up to you, but if it was me, I would want him to know. I wouldn’t want to keep prolonging something that doesn’t have a future.”
“Why not? I like it. I like being with him. I love going out together- or- uh- just staying in. It’s exciting. It’s nice. We talk. Or we don’t. It’s comfortable. It’s everything I never thought I’d have again.”
“I guess you have to decide if it’s worth getting way more emotionally invested. If you tell him in the future and he wants to break up because he doesn’t want kids, it will probably hurt more, but if the time in between is worthwhile, then maybe you shouldn’t tell him.”
“That’s not helpful.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, because it’s what I already know.” Rayvn sighed. Her chest ached. Laney sighed right after her. Her shoulders slumped.
“I can tell how much anxiety it’s giving you because you just broke down in tears. That’s not like you. Even when you were going through the worst of it, you wouldn’t cry at work. I think you need to tell him what happened and just be honest about what you want. Maybe you can both decide to keep seeing each other even if you don’t ultimately want to end up together. That’s an option, isn’t it?”
“I’d like it to be. I don’t know though. I want to say that we’re both adults, but I feel l
ike if I bring it up and have that talk with him, I’ll be throwing a big wrench into the works and it might not run the same after. It might not feel the same if I know for sure there isn’t any future in it. I think it would hurt too much to continue after that.”
“If that’s your decision then Charlotte and I will help you stay strong. We’re here for you, honey. I promise.”
“I know.” The sting of tears started again and Rayvn thrust herself forward, into Laney’s arms, before they could start spilling over. “I don’t know what I would do without you guys. You’ve always been there for me.”
“And you’ve been there for both of us. You’ll get through this. We’ll have as many pathetic movie and cry nights as we can handle. Charlotte might be engaged, but I’m still single. It beats having to do them on my own.”
Rayvn laughed softly, just so she wouldn’t cry. It came out strange and sobby sounding anyway. She pulled away slowly. She didn’t need to thank Laney again. She knew she could always count on her friends.
She closed her eyes tight, sure that it was coming. The end. She could already see it. She knew how Shane would react and how she’d react. She already knew she was going to buy the popcorn and the ice cream when she got groceries after work. She knew that she was going to need it.
CHAPTER 16
Shane
When he asked Rayvn over to his house for dinner, he was prepared for an over done steak on the BBQ, since he always cooked them a tad too long, a few glasses of wine for her, beer for him, maybe a movie and a long, epic make out session that ended in the same steamy sex they always enjoyed. Every. Single. Night.
He was already planning in his head just what he could do to surprise her. New ways to make her come, a different tactic, a different position… He was so lost in thought he nearly failed to realize that there was something wrong. They were halfway through dinner when he finally realized how morose she looked.
“Hey, is something wrong? Did you have a bad day? An asshole client that you want me to take care of? I can dump a select bag of shit on his or her lawn…”
Rayvn managed to smile, but just barely. “That would be nice, but no. No one was an asshole. Not today at any rate. I’ll have to keep that in mind for the future.”
There was something about her tone that indicated she didn’t think they had any kind of future at the moment and that scared the hell out of him. He’d used that tone a hundred times in the past to get out of shit or at least drop the hint that he wasn’t interested in anything but a casual liaison. He realized just how massive a turd he actually was. He’d come to that conclusion way more times than once since he’d met Rayvn. He wanted to think she was changing him for the better. She is changing me. She fucking inspires me.
“Uh- are you sure?”
How did one exactly ask if their unstated girlfriend was planning on dumping them? Shane pushed aside his plate, no longer hungry. The half a steak he’d consumed felt like a lead weight in his stomach.
“I… can I ask you something?”
He knew what was coming. Rayvn wasn’t a dishonest person. She didn’t bother trying to be coy or hide her emotions. She wasn’t deceptive. That’s what he liked about her. She just put everything out there. She was a straight shooter and expected him to be the same. He must have grown on her since the start, because for some reason he could never figure out, she’d stuck around. And he liked that. He really fucking liked that.
“This is karma,” he said out loud, without even realizing he’d said anything at all.
“What is?”
“Oh- uh- karma for- well- I’ll just say it. I treated people pretty shitty. I hurt a lot of people along the way. Now it’s my turn. I know you’re done with me, Rayvn. You can just say so. It’s alright. I’ll take it like a man. I promise I will.”
“God.” Rayvn pushed her own plate away. She’d hardly touched a thing. “That’s not what this is about. Unless you want it to be.”
“No, I don’t want it to be.” He wished he could relax, but Rayvn’s face didn’t change. That terrible pained expression was still there.
“Maybe we should have this conversation in the living room.”
“It’s alright. Just say what you have to say. You’re not going to kill me.” She might. She might fucking kill me. His fingers curled into the edge of the table, out of her line of sight.
“I… I’m sorry, Shane. We all have a past. I wasn’t completely honest about mine.”
“About the divorce?”
“About the reason.”
“You never told my why. So, you weren’t exactly dishonest.”
“I should have told you why or at least explained to you about it.”
“I never asked because I didn’t really want to know, unless you truly want to talk about it.”
“I want to talk about it now. I purposely put this off because I already know what you think. Do you remember that night in the park? Our first date?”
“How could I forget?” He tried to smile to ease some of the tension. It didn’t work one bit.
“Those kids threw that Frisbee at us by accident and you made some comments that really made me think you don’t like kids and that you for sure don’t want them. Is that true?”
Here we go. The kids thing. He knew it was bound to come up. He wasn’t surprised. People had this kind of discussion all the time. He just hoped he could put it off for a while longer. Or that he could change his mind. Rayvn made him want to change his mind.
“Yeah, I remember.” It embarrassed the hell out of him to recall how he’d acted. Like a damn child.
“Shane, I- I had a- do you know what a still birth is?”
The tiny seed of horror in his gut bloomed into a massive fucking plant, no, a tree, that ate him up from the inside out. He felt like it was growing out of his throat, choking him.
“Yeah,” he rasped. “It’s when the baby is born dead.”
“Yes. I- I was pregnant. With a baby girl. The pregnancy was a surprise. I wanted it. Alex didn’t. I thought he’d get used to the idea, but he didn’t want to be a dad when we were both so young. He wanted to wait. He- he supported me through the pregnancy. Kind of. He didn’t come to any of the appointments or anything. He didn’t really make an effort.”
“That doesn’t sound supportive at all.” Shane wished he could find the guy and slam his fist into the guy’s face. It would probably be a damn improvement.
“Well, he never said anything negative about it. Not really. I thought he’d just accepted it as a fact. I was on a pick one day. I was eight months pregnant. I was still working, even though I knew I should be taking things easy. I was healthy. My doctor said it was fine. I realized, that afternoon, that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day. It wasn’t really unusual, since she was way more active at night. I waited a few more hours and still nothing. I got really worried and went right to the hospital. When I got there, there was no heartbeat. The- uh- umbilical cord had a knot in it… I had to deliver the baby. They induced me and- uh- well, I got to hold her for a few minutes before she was taken away. Alex, he refused. He said that the pregnancy was a… well that it was nature’s way of telling us we shouldn’t be parents yet. That he was right. That it was god’s will.”
“What the fuck!” Shane shoved back his chair so hard it toppled over behind him.
Rayvn started. Her eyes filled up with tears and spilled over. Despite it, a shadow of a smile played over her lips. “Thanks for being angry on my behalf. But it’s alright. At least, that part. It’s over. It showed me that Alex was never going to be the right person for me. Out of all the things that could happen… it just told me that he wouldn’t be supportive. He wasn’t the man I thought I had married. I was young when we met. Way too young. By the time we got married, I felt like a different person. Losing the baby made me realize I needed to get away from him before I had wasted my entire life with him. I got a divorce so I could make myself happy in the future in a way that I couldn’t if I ha
d stayed married.”
“Still!” Shane wanted to find something and put his fist through it. “That is so far from right, Rayvn! Fuck me, I can’t imagine what you went through. No one should have to deal with that, losing their child and someone treating them that way.”
“It was hard. It was really, really hard. It’s just been- well it’s been a few years and I’m still learning how to heal. Sometimes I still get sad. I think about her, on the day of her birth and how old she’d be and what she’d be doing. I’m not sure what’s out there or after this, but I hope there is something good and pretty, just for her. I hope that somewhere she’s loved and that she knows how much she’s missed.”
He lost it. Just fucking lost it. He realized his face was wet, but it took him a minute to realize he was crying.
“Don’t,” Rayvn said shakily as more of her silent tears spilled over. “Don’t do that or I’m going to become unhinged over here.”
“Sorry.” He swiped at his eyes. “Fuck. Rayvn, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t come here to make you feel bad, or even to cry. I actually promised myself that I wouldn’t.”
“You can cry as much as you want…”
“I need to ask you, Shane, if you really don’t want kids. Because I do. I really, truly do. If you don’t, then I can’t do this with you anymore. I want to be with you. I’ve loved our time together. It’s meant so much to me. More than you will probably ever know, but I don’t want to lead you on or hurt you or myself any more than I have to. This was never supposed to happen between us, whatever it is we’re doing. I know we both expected to break up right away. And we haven’t. I know that’s a big shock to us both. I just… I can’t keep doing this without you knowing that sometime in the future, a reasonable amount of time, with the right person, I do want children.”