by Lindsey Hart
Silence filled up the room. He slowly bent because he didn’t know what else to do and picked up the chair that he’d knocked over. He wished he could find the right words. He didn’t want to lose Rayvn, but he also didn’t want to lie to her.
“I don’t know what to say,” he finally admitted. She remained sitting there. Her eyes closed, and it seemed like forever before she opened them again. The hurt glistening there was obvious. It made him hurt, socked him right in the chest. “I- I never really saw myself having kids. I never really liked them. But maybe that’s other people’s kids. Everyone says with your own, it’s different.”
“Don’t do that,” Rayvn warned.
“Do what?”
“Change what you want just to try and make me happy. That never works.”
“Well, people do change. They grow up. With you, I- I’ve never felt like this. I want to do things for you that make you happy. I want to see you, over and over and over. Normally that would make me panic, but with you, I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t want to jump ship or get out of this. I want the exact opposite.”
“Sometimes people can change, but sometimes they don’t change enough. I don’t want you to have to compromise.”
“Who says it would be a compromise or that I wouldn’t change enough? We haven’t known each other long enough to truly know what we want. I can’t just up and rethink everything in a month! I would need time to grow into it. I don’t want to give you false hope, but with you, I do want things I haven’t wanted before. I could change for you.”
“I don’t want you to have to do that.”
“Does it always have to be a bad thing?’
“And if we get one, two, three, four years down the road and we decide that we both can’t change enough to make each other happy? That you don’t want kids and I can’t stop wanting them? What then? I swear that we’ll just hurt each other more.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way…”
“You think that love and everything associated with it is bullshit.”
“Maybe I did,” he admitted, embarrassed. He finally slumped back down in his chair. “Maybe I did believe that, but you know I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“Do I? I know that we’ve enjoyed each other a lot, but that doesn’t mean that you have changed your mind or that you have to. In the end it probably would just be bullshit. Isn’t that how it always works? It starts out good and then just goes to hell? Maybe we should break it off while it’s still happy and we can look back on this and think fondly about it. I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want to hate you.”
“So just quit while we’re ahead?” His shock came out as anger and his tone was harsher than he intended.
“Just like that? Just quit and not find out where it could have gone?”
“We both know, I think, deep down, that it never would have gone anywhere. We enjoy each other. That’s great. I wish I could just keep it like that, but I can’t. I can’t stop my feelings from getting involved.”
“You’re afraid of being hurt?”
“So are you. You’ve been afraid for a long time.”
She was right. She was right, and he damn well knew it. He watched, unable to say anything, unable to move, unable to stop her, as she rose. She slowly pushed back her chair and turned. She walked out of the dining room, through his living room, the fucking living room that he’d blown the wall out of to make the house more open concept, walked right through that newly created space, to the front door and out of his life.
The silence in the house after Rayvn left was utterly deafening. He sat there, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid of the pain welling up inside of him. He wanted it out. He wanted to tear it out and throw it away and never think about her again. He wanted to rip her from him, rip out the memories and whatever it was that he’d felt right from the first minute with her. He couldn’t. He couldn’t and she was right.
He was terrified.
CHAPTER 17
Shane
“Well, Shane, you’ve managed to fuck up another one. I can’t say that I’m surprised.”
“Come on, Nina,” Shane sighed. “That’s not nice.”
Chet and Nina’s kitchen was large. They had a nice house, an older one, built over a hundred years ago, the up and down kind with too many stairs and too many stories, but Shane actually liked the place. Nina did a good job furnishing it with an eclectic mix of antiques and modern furniture. With all of Chet’s paintings on the wall, it was homey and unique.
Nina walked over to the massive stainless-steel fridge and produced two cold cans of beer. It was hot in the kitchen, since the place didn’t have central air, and the cans started to sweat immediately. She handed one over. For once, Shane didn’t feel like drinking it. There were some things that no amount of drink could banish. Not that he’d tried. He hadn’t attempted it once since Rayvn walked out of his house nine days ago.
He reluctantly cracked the tab and took a sip. At least it was cold and wet his mouth. He was tired of tasting regret anyway. The malty taste of the beer was preferable.
“Well, it’s true, isn’t it? I’m assuming you’re going to tell me that you did something stupid to screw it up and that you’re sorry, but you’re not going to make an attempt to fix things.”
“Since when did you get such a low opinion of me?”
Nina set her beer down on the quartz countertop. “It’s not a low opinion. I’m sorry, but it’s just that I know you too well.”
“Maybe you don’t,” he tried to protest. “Maybe this time was different. Maybe everything about her was different and it made me want to be better.”
Nina starred hard at him as though he’d just sprouted a third eye or a second head. “Jesus. What have you done with my best friend?”
He attempted a smile, but he knew it was faltering at best. “I swear, I did nothing to mess this up. I tried to convince her otherwise. I wanted her to stay.”
“What was it? What was the fight about? I’m assuming there was a fight?”
“Not really. She wants kids.”
“Oh.” Nina nodded in sudden understanding. “That explains a lot.”
“I told her I did too.”
Nina nearly choked on her sip of beer. She put a hand up to her mouth as she coughed and spluttered. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Well, I don’t know…” Shane felt like the world’s biggest moron standing there staring his best friend down. The way she was looking at him… no wonder Rayvn didn’t believe him. “I said that I wanted kids too, or at least I’d consider it in the future.”
“But you didn’t really mean it?”
“No, I meant it.”
“Uh… Shane, you hate kids. You’ve always said you didn’t want them. Rayvn probably could see right through you. She probably knew you were just saying it to try and make her feel better or get in her pants.”
“I was already in her pants.” Shane winced. “God, I wasn’t just saying it. I… maybe I always said I didn’t want kids or a relationship or any of that shit, but maybe I was just-”
“Just what?” Nina prompted when he didn’t continue.
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Scared?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I thought you just really didn’t believe in it. I thought that you’d be one of those people that never settled down. Turns out I was wrong. You’re still under thirty and you’re standing in my kitchen having a heart to heart about regrets. I can see how much you’re hurting. It’s a shock, by the way, seeing you feel much of anything. You spent a month with her. Imagine if it was longer. Years… you’d be completely transformed.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Nina’s sharp eyes looked him up and down, assessing him. She knew him well enough to hear all the things he wasn’t saying. “Yeah, I can see that.”
“It was different this time. Right from the start. I wanted to be different. I di
dn’t want to lose her.”
“So, what prompted the kids discussion? I’m assuming she wasn’t asking you for them after a month?”
“No. She told me- uh- she told me about something that happened to her.” Shane’s throat closed up and he had to push the words out. “She lost a baby at eight months. It was really devastating for her. She wants kids in the future. For her, it’s a deal breaker if she can’t have them.”
“Holy shit.” Nina’s mouth fell open. “God, that’s terrible. I never knew…”
“No, I’m sure she doesn’t go around broadcasting it. She probably only told me to get me to understand why she feels the way she does.”
“And what did you do?”
“I…” he couldn’t tell Nina that he’d actually cried. Even telling Nina about Rayvn’s pain made his chest ache and his throat burn. He wished there was something he could do to take that pain from her, or at least, to make things better. “I told her that I would be fine with changing my mind in the future. Or that I could be. I don’t know… I just want to make her happy.”
“She probably knows that,” Nina said softly. She stared at him and he could barely take the pity on her face. “She could probably see that you were making an effort and that you wanted to please her. Those things don’t mean that you really want kids.”
“Don’t they?”
“No, Shane. Not at all.”
Shane exhaled loudly. “I don’t know what to do here, Nina. It’s been nine days. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I work. A lot. That’s all I do because I need to keep my mind off of it. When I’m not actually at work, I’ve been working myself to death in the backyard. I decided to start the landscaping back there.”
“It must really be bad then.”
“Shut up.”
Nina grinned. “Well, there’s only one thing I can think of to do.”
“What’s that?” He’d come to Nina, finally, because he didn’t know what else to do. He needed to do something or he was going to go crazy. He doubted it, but hoped she’d come up with something.
“You have to prove to her that you mean it. You have to go to her and talk it out. You need to open yourself up to her. I know who you are and how you are and everything that has made you the person you are now. You need to tell her about your dad.”
“I did…”
“Then you need to tell her that you’re scared. That you’ll work on that. That most of the things you say are just bullshit to protect yourself. That you’ve always been too afraid of risking anything. But for her, you’d be willing to try. That’s all you can do. Take it one step at a time. One day at a time. If you’re willing to risk one hundred percent and give one hundred percent every single day, then you might stand a chance.”
“That sounds like something a shrink would say.”
“Then you owe me, like, two hundred bucks, since you’ve been here nearly an hour.”
“I’ll see what I can do. Maybe I’ll actually come around and help Chet put that pond into the backyard that he’s been talking about forever.”
“Oh, would you?” Nina cocked a brow sarcastically. “That would be nice. He’s only been asking for over a year. No big deal though. We know you’re usually busy doing a whole lot of nothing.”
“Fuck off, Nina.”
Nina grinned. She picked up her beer and Shane retrieved his off the counter. She pushed hers forward and he met her halfway.
“Here’s to you finally becoming a normal, decent human being. I like it. I like it a lot. I’ll thank Rayvn next time I go to her store. Even if you don’t get back together, she’s done something that I never thought possible.”
“And cheers to you for your horrible, sarcastic, tough love, way too honest friendship.”
Nina winked. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. And neither would you. Admit it.”
“Yeah, you’re right. No other way.”
Their cans clinked and they both raised their beers and took a long swallow after. Shane paused for a moment, to stare out the kitchen window that overlooked Nina and Chet’s large back yard. It was shapeless, plain and boring. It really could use his help.
He’d been a pretty shitty brother over the years. Probably a shitty friend too. A shitty everything when it came to how he’d treated the women unfortunate enough to go on a few dates with him. Even one date was probably too much.
He didn’t want to be that person anymore. Nina was right. Whether he could convince Rayvn to be in his life or not, she’d changed him. She’d shown him that he had a heart and a brain and that he should use both. Even if it hurt. Even if it nearly killed him, it was still worth it.
CHAPTER 18
Rayvn
The sun was already riding low in the sky, sending orange hued beams through the massive front window of the store by the time she walked in. She knew she was over three hours late. Her pick had taken her down twisty back roads and she’d been lost for over an hour before she even found the place. When she got there, it was pretty much a pickers haven- antique barns, falling down sheds, not one, but two, old farmhouses. It was glorious. She hadn’t wasted any time, but the afternoon got away from her all the same.
After she parked the truck and trailer behind the store, she was surprised to walk in and find Laney and Charlotte both still there.
“What are you guys doing here? It’s after seven. Don’t you have anywhere better to be?”
Laney grinned. “We probably do, but we had to wait for you. We couldn’t leave and not see your face when you saw it.”
“What?” Rayvn paused just inside the back door. The look on Laney’s face, like she’d just done something she knew for a fact she shouldn’t, made her extremely nervous. Her palms began to sweat and she wiped them on her stained, filthy jeans.
“You have to see it,” Charlotte agreed. “Come to the office. We left it in there.”
Rayvn slowly followed her two best friends down the hall into the small office where they did orders and accounting. Everything was neat and orderly. There was a large antique oak desk with a laptop closed on it and a pile of papers to the right. A small drop leaf table was set in the corner with a few antique chairs tucked underneath. There were two wood filing cabinets off to the right and a barrister’s bookcase to the left.
None of that caught Rayvn’s attention. She was captivated by the giant bouquet of flowers on the table. They were the kind of thing that looked handpicked, because they were all wild. She couldn’t even name half of them but there were dandelions and a sunflower or two in there, mixed in amongst what was probably clover and a few wild poppies. Long strands of grass and fern leaves stood out behind the flowers.
“This is for me?” She squeaked.
“Yup. It was hand delivered late this afternoon.”
“The bearer was really disappointed that you weren’t here.” Laney scooped a white envelope off the table. “He wanted us to make sure you got this. He was pretty adamant about it.”
“Oh.” She stared at the envelope for a few minutes, heart slamming in her chest. Her palms were so sweaty she felt like they might start dripping.
“Are you going to take it?” Laney urged. “We want to know what it says!”
“You didn’t tell us anything happened between you and Shane,” Charlotte said softly. “Did something happen?”
Rayvn sighed. She’d been trying to talk to Laney and Charlotte about it for over a week. She just couldn’t find the right words. It hurt too much. The wound was too fresh. She didn’t want to go into it, delve into it, until the pain had scabbed over. It hadn’t done that yet. It hadn’t even begun to heal.
“Is this why you’ve been killing yourself at picks lately? And working like a demon on refinishing things? I thought you were just having a burst of creativity and that you’d found a lot of good places.”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I have found a ton of good places lately. The refinishing though… that’s been straight up to keep my mind off of it.”
&n
bsp; “What happened?” Laney asked, all concern.
“I… I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it. We had a- I don’t even know if it was a fight. I guess we just came to the understanding that it wasn’t going to work between us.”
“Because of the kids thing?” Laney asked slowly. “I should never have told you to have that conversation. Maybe I’m the one to blame for this.”
“No, no,” Rayvn assured her gently. “It would have come up at some time. And yes, it was about the kids thing.”
“He didn’t want them then?”
“Not exactly. I told him what happened and he cried…”
“What?” Laney and Charlotte both gasped at the same time.
“He cried?” Charlotte echoed.
“Yeah. He cried. It was actually really sweet.”
“Why the hell did you break up with him then?” Laney actually leaned forward a little. “He sounds like a good man, even if you guys did have a rocky start.”
“He tried to tell me that he would consider kids in the future. That he’d change his mind just for me, but we all know that never works.”
“I don’t know,” Charlotte cut in. “Sometimes it does. Sometimes people make that effort or they meet that person that changes them. Sometimes people can’t see that far into the future or imagine themselves doing something, but then circumstances change and life changes and they find that they are happy doing things they never thought they could do.”
“Do you think so? I don’t think it could happen. I don’t think someone could go from hating kids to wanting them, just to make me happy.”
“Is that what he was doing? Do you think he was just bullshitting?”
“Not really,” Rayvn admitted. “I think he wanted to believe what he was saying.”
“People do change,” Laney insisted. “Charlotte’s right.”
“Ben never liked cats before he met me, but I said there was no way he was going to move in if he couldn’t get along with Thomas and Pokey. He loves them now. He’s a real cat dad.”