by Lindsey Hart
“Okay, but that’s cats,” Rayvn insisted. “Not kids.”
“I’m just saying…”
“Some people say things they don’t mean. Maybe he was just saying that because he was scared of admitting to himself that he wanted kids. Or that he wanted to be with anyone. I don’t know… we’ve just seen how happy he’s made you. He really made you come out of your shell this past month, Rayvn. It was nice seeing the life back in your eyes again.”
“I agree with Laney on that one,” Charlotte said softly. “It’s been a long time since you’ve been truly happy. We’re your friends. We can tell the difference. Shane did make you happy. Maybe you should open up the card and see what he has to say.”
“It’s not every day a guy gives you flowers,” Laney gushed. “And it’s almost never that he goes out and picks them himself.”
Rayvn rolled her eyes. She tried to mask just how wild she felt on the inside. She felt like she was jumping around, laughing and shouting and trying to be reserved all at once. She wanted to open the card, even though she knew she probably shouldn’t. She wanted to believe her friends, even though they hardly knew Shane. She wanted, most of all, to hope. The truth was, she had been happy with Shane. She had experienced real joy for the first time in years. It felt good. The pain of losing that joy was nearly crippling.
“I don’t know,” she insisted. “It’s probably better that I don’t open this.”
“Better? Just open it!” Charlotte scoffed. “Ben has never brought me flowers. Never.”
“Shane probably stole those from some yard he was landscaping.”
“So? It’s still a sweet gesture.”
“Open it!” Laney thrust the card hard against Rayvn’s chest.
She had no choice but to catch it before it fell to the floor. Her hands shook as she slowly worked a tear in the corner of the envelope. The paper gave way and she slid a finger inside. Her stomach leapt into her throat as she took out a square, handmade card. It had a picture of a hedgehog with a heart shaped balloon on the front. The fact that Shane picked out something that was both handmade and that she really liked, showed just how well he knew her, even after a month.
No one in the room dared take a breath. It was so silent that even a whisper would have seemed like a shout. Rayvn slowly opened the card. It was strangely thick and she wanted to see what was inside.
A foil wrapped packet fell out.
Laney and Charlotte both jumped back in surprise. Finally, Charlotte seemed to unfreeze herself. She bent down and picked up the packet. She held it up for inspection. All three of them were silent.
And then Rayvn burst out laughing.
“What the hell?” Laney asked, mystified.
“Who puts a condom into a card?” Charlotte laughed, half disgusted.
“There are holes in it!” Laney snatched it and held it up to the light. “Why the hell would he poke holes all over it? That is just too weird.”
“I agree,” Rayvn laughed. “I don’t know who fucking does that. I don’t know who pokes holes in a condom and puts it in a card with a heart on the front. Only Shane I guess.”
“I- uh- I guess I can see the awkward romanticness of the gesture,” Laney said hesitantly after a stunned moment of silence.
Rayvn opened the card and read what was written out loud. Even if it was supposed to be private, she knew there was no way she could not share after both her friends had seen the condom.
“Rayvn. I know I’m the last person on earth who should be saying this. I’m the last person you deserve, but I’m so fucking lucky you picked me that night. I’m so lucky you spent that crazy amount of money on a shitty date with me and I’m so lucky that you gave me another chance. The truth is, I’m scared. My parents fucked me up I guess. You know how my dad left my mom. It broke her heart. I guess that taught me right from the start to mistrust love and relationships. I never wanted that for myself, because I never wanted to have to go through what my mom went through. I don’t want my children to have to go through that. That said, I’ve realized, since you left, how being scared has taught me nothing. My entire life I’ve gone through it like a wrecking ball. I thought I was protecting myself but really, I was just this dead thing. A shell, I guess. I don’t want to be that. I want to be the person I am when I’m with you. I poked holes in the condom because I want you to know that if you come back and if we make it that far and if you ever want a child, I will give you one. I will give you one and I will love you and love it with my entire being. I want a future with you. I know there’s a chance we might not make it, but it’s worth the risk. Shane.”
“He actually wrote all that in there?” Charlotte asked. She reached up and brushed a tear off her cheek.
“Don’t,” Rayvn warned. “Don’t start that or I’ll start.” She could already feel the warm prickle of tears at the back of her eyes.
“Seriously, let me see that.” Laney took the card gently out of her hands. She scanned it for a moment. “He actually did write all of that. He has the neatest, tiniest writing ever.”
“Well…” Charlotte turned to her. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. It’s one thing to say those things- it’s another to mean it.”
“It sounds like he means it,” Laney protested. “It sounds a lot like he means it.”
“What if it doesn’t work out? I don’t think I can handle another relationship going wrong. It nearly killed me, what happened with Alex.”
“Honey, what happened with Alex is never going to happen again. And it wasn’t Alex that hurt you so much. You knew you didn’t love him at the end. It was just the starting your life over again that was hard. What hurt was losing your daughter. That’s something you aren’t ever going to get over. You’ll always be a mom.”
“I know,” Rayvn said quietly. She blinked hard, determined not to let the tears fall.
“It’s not Shane’s fault,” Laney coaxed softly. “Just like his dad leaving or whatever wasn’t his fault. He saw some shit at a young age and that obviously screwed him up. You had an experience that screwed you up. If you spend the rest of your lives trying to get over it or being too afraid to try again and experience anything else, it’s going to be even worse. You don’t want to be eighty and regret it do you? Not having done anything?”
“I don’t know if I can take that pain again,” Rayvn said hoarsely.
“I know. No one should have to live through that. You were talking about wanting to be a mother though. About maybe even doing it on your own. You were thinking about it…”
“That was just thinking though. It’s way harder to actually consider doing it.”
“Shane’s putting himself out there. He’s taking a chance. He sent you a damn condom with holes in it. That’s the most creative gesture I’ve seen in a long time.” Charlotte grinned as she held up the silver packet. “Come on, Rayvn. If you really don’t like him, let him down easy. But if you’re scared, then you could probably just be scared together. You seem like you’re a good match. He makes you happy and it sounds like you’ve really changed him.”
“It sounds like you both want me to give him another chance.” Rayvn put her hands to her hips. “Nice to know Shane has everyone in his corner rooting for him.”
“Oh, I’m rooting for him alright,” Laney confirmed. “Bur just because I’ve seen what a difference he’s made in your life already. Give him another chance, honey. If shit goes down, we’ll still be right here for you. There will still be this, the work and the business and everything just as it is now. It might hurt, but so what? At least you’ll know.”
“What if I waste years of my life finding out that it was a mistake?”
“Is it worse than wasting years alone?”
“No,” she finally admitted. Laney passed the card back to her and she clutched it against her chest. “I’m going to find him. I’ll talk to him and then I’ll decide.”
“Give him a fair chance though,” Charlotte warned.
“I’d like to see him stick around and see what other romantic gestures he has up his sleeve.”
“Right. I guess it’s decided then.”
“Are you going to find him right now?” Laney nearly squealed with excitement.
Rayvn rolled her eyes. “I guess so. Wish me luck.”
“We wish you all the luck in the world.”
“And then some,” Charlotte added.
After a tight hug with each other, Rayvn left the office. She exited through the backdoor and climbed into her car feeling more hopeful than she had in a very long time. In years. She started the car and slowly put it into drive. Whatever happened, she had her friends. With them behind her, she was willing to take a chance on maybe finding a love she never thought she’d have in her life again.
CHAPTER 19
Shane
He always thought that one day, if it came right down to it and he made a grand, romantic gesture, that it wouldn’t go ignored. Or at least, that it would make a difference. He’d been thinking about it for days, that card that he wrote Rayvn, the flowers, everything. He finally got his shit together after his talk with Nina and had actually acted on his feelings.
He’d dropped off the flowers and the card at two that afternoon. The girl working there who took them assured him that Rayvn would get them. She wasn’t due back until five. It was now early eight and he was pacing the house like a trapped wild animal.
I have to see her. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.
He realized he was wearing a hole in his living room floor. He knew that he should wait at the house and let Rayvn come to him if she was going to come. She’d call or text if she wanted to. He kept telling himself to leave her alone. Just because he brought flowers and wrote a ridiculous card didn’t mean she’d change her mind. She probably needed time to process everything, at the very least.
Patience never had been his strong suit.
Shane finally stopped pacing. He glanced out the window, out at his truck in the driveway. “Fuck it,” he ground out. His words echoed in the silent room.
He stalked to the front door, grabbed his keys off the peg by the door, slammed into his still dirty work boots and stormed down the driveway. He got into his truck and didn’t hesitate before he started it. He roared out and continued on down the street. He wasn’t driving like a lunatic, just aggressive. He wanted to get where he was going and he wanted to get there fast.
Unfortunately, he hit every single red light in the history of red lights. He’d never seen so many damn lights in his life. It took over an hour to reach Rayvn’s condo.
The lights were all off. It looked like she wasn’t home. Or maybe she just shut the blinds and turned them off to give that impression. Maybe she’s in bed since it’s already late. Maybe she didn’t even see the card because she didn’t stop back at work. Maybe I’m acting like a crazy person.
Crazy or not, Shane couldn’t help but pull his truck into the visitor spot right in front of Rayvn’s condo. He noticed that her car wasn’t in the spot beside where he parked. She probably wasn’t home. He got out of his truck anyway. He left it running as he flew up the three steps and over the small porch. He raised his hand and banged on the door.
Because he couldn’t help himself, he also rang the bell. Three times. And knocked again. And once more for good measure.
When there was no answer, he had to admit that Rayvn truly wasn’t home. He was about to give up, get back in his truck, drive home where he belonged, and stay there, when his phone went off. It vibrated in his back pocket and it took him a few seconds to register what the heck was going on.
He finally pulled it out and blew out a hard sigh when he saw Rayvn’s name on the screen. His hand started shaking, hard tremors that threatened to send his phone tumbling to the sidewalk. He glanced around, really hoping that the neighbors weren’t watching him through their blinds.
His phone continued to vibrate, and it finally registered in his addled mind that he should answer it.
“Hey,” he said softly, trying to keep his voice level. Play it cool. Not at all like you just stood there banging her door down like a psycho.
“Shane.” Rayvn’s soft silky voice saying his name… lord, it was heaven.
“Hey,” he said again and winced. “I- uh- how are you?”
“Good… good…” There was a long, uncomfortable pause then she blew out a breath straight into the phone. “Look, do you want to talk? I think we should talk.”
“Absolutely. Yes. Now?”
“Yeah. Yeah, now works for me.”
If they weren’t having the world’s most awkward conversation… he’d hate to see worse. He felt like someone had taken his tongue out of his mouth, tied it in a hundred knots, and stuffed it right back in. His brain was foggy and thick and all of his earlier wit and the speech he’d prepared, the apology and his fight to get Rayvn back, evaporated like early morning mist under the hot sun.
“Where exactly are you?” Rayvn finally asked.
“Oh… uh…” he ran a hand through his hair, finger combing out a few snarls from earlier that afternoon.
“I’m in front of your house. You could meet me here if you want.”
“Wait, you’re in front of my house?” He barked out a laugh that was nearly hysterical sounding.
“Yeah- why?”
“Because I’m actually in front of yours.”
The phone was silent for a long while. So long that he thought maybe she’d hung up or the call had dropped or something. And then her laughter, soft and melodic and so fucking beautiful, drifted over the phone.
“Oh my god. Look at us. Anyone who has the same idea at the exact same time, trying to find each other, must be meant to be together. It must be a sign.”
“A sign that you’re a dork maybe. Or that we’re both pathetic.”
“A dork?” Oddly enough, it’s what Nina often called him. He grinned. “Maybe I am. Maybe I don’t mind being a dork at all.”
“Should I wait here then?” Rayvn asked. He could hear the humor in her tone.
“Yeah. I’ll be right there. Well, maybe half hour. As long as I don’t hit any red lights again. I had to stop at every single one on the way here.”
“Take your time. I’ll wait. Right on your front step.”
“The house is open. I forgot to lock it on my way out. Just go on in. Make yourself at home.”
“Really? You’re okay with that.”
Not just okay. I want her to be my home. “For sure. There might even be a few cold beers in the fridge.”
“Aren’t you forgetting I’m more of a wine person?”
“Oh. Right. There may still be a bottle in there from before. If there is, go ahead and open that too.”
“Should I raid your pantry for snacks while I’m at it?’
“If you want to.”
“Use your shower?”
“Not unless I’m there with you.” He winced. Too far and way too soon.
Rayvn, mercifully, ignored him. “I just have one more question. Where did you get those flowers?”
“I- why?”
“Well I know you don’t believe in supporting the floral industry because you think it’s stupid and you think profiting off of love and holidays and all that is just ridiculous.”
“Yeah. You’re right. I didn’t buy them.”
“You picked them then?”
“No. There might have been a client who had a yard full and a boulevard growing in front of the house that was equally as full…”
“I knew it.” Rayvn giggled. “I fucking knew it.” She hung up and the line went dead.
Shane blinked at the black screen. He realized he was grinning like a fool as he slid the phone back into his jeans. He would have done a skip, hop, jump combo or maybe a fist pump or hell, a heel click, if he could. Instead, he managed to contain himself. He did run to his truck and throw himself in. Hopefully it was all green lights on the way home. Hopefully Rayvn was another.
Rayvn
Sitting in Shane’s living room, a room she’d been in so many times before, but never alone, was weird. The house was too quiet. Every time it settled or the sound of the wind blew past the windows, she shifted uncomfortably on the leather couch she’d parked herself on. For a few minutes the fridge hummed in the kitchen. It startled her, that gentle buzzing sound.
Finally, after a million years had elapsed, she heard the sound of Shane’s truck pulling into the driveway. He didn’t go into the garage. He just left it parked on the cement pad right beside her car.
Rayvn braced herself. She took a deep breath and settled in, even though she didn’t know what she was settling in for. Everything is going to be fine. He’s the one who sent the card.
The front door opened and closed and then Shane stood in the entrance to the living room. He hadn’t bothered to remove his work boots, which were still caked in mud from whatever job he’d worn them to.
“You’re here,” he said reverently. He took a step forward and slowly sunk down on the couch a few feet away. He was careful not to touch her, to maintain their personal space.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“I thought maybe you’d leave. That you’d change your mind.”
“No. No, I didn’t change my mind.”
“What- uh- what is on your mind?” Shane’s blue eyes swiveled uneasily to her face. His lashes were thicker looking than normal, clumped into little starred clusters. “Is it on your mind to tell me that you don’t want anything to do with me or are you here to tell me you want to give this thing a shot?”
Rayvn knew she had to break the tension. She felt it as keenly as Shane obviously did. She knew if her body tightened up any further, she’d snap from the strain. “I’m here because I wanted to hear what you have to say. About the card and everything.”
“Did you like that? Or was it too much?”
“Honestly, Charlotte and Laney got a real kick out of it.”