by Gaby Dunn
*My entire life.
AVA, as seen in the background of People magazine
8:45 PM
What is the weather in D.C.?
Low 60s.
Really??
I don’t know! I’m not the weather app!
Ughhh. I don’t know what to pack.
Perhaps some sort of emotional shield?
Please. This is just one long booty call.
We are NOT getting back together.
I just took a screenshot of this conversation.
To send to you later when you tell me you’re back together.
You know how to take screenshots????
FU
Thu, Oct 17, 9:14 AM
You’ve probably noticed but I haven’t talked about Ben in a while.…
Define a while? I believe it has been one full day.
That’s a long time for an anxious mind!
Did you mean for that to rhyme??
You should patent that!
I don’t have time to patent that!
My boyfriend is missing!
Oh no! Maybe he was a ghost the whole time!
What will you do if the security guard tells you there hasn’t been a Ben here in forty years …
It’s New York. Everyone is named Ben.
Touche.
He’s not at work and he won’t answer my calls or texts.
Ava. Why are those things plural?
When someone is missing you make ONE call and send ONE text.
Otherwise you’re immediately a suspect in their disappearance.
Plus you seem really desperate.
He’s my BOYFRIEND and he’s MISSING!
It’s barely even daylight yet.
You’re bad in a crisis.
Or am I great?
Bad.
11:52 AM
He’s alive.
Damn. I put fifty bucks on ghost.
With who???
Online. You can make all sorts of bets online.
Where was he?
At a doctor’s appointment????
Underground???
Oh, cool!!
I’m joking! What doctor doesn’t have cell service??
Underground ones! You’re coming up with some real clever ideas in distress.
I’m so mad. My face is bright red.
Why are you mad?
Because he ignored me for hours and I thought he was dead!
Right. That’s what I thought.
Are you going to confront him?
No. I’m going to handle this with grace.
Shout out to Dr. Grimm.
Shout out to Roxane Gay!
She doesn’t get enough shout outs.
I CONFRONTED HIM
Ava Helmer
10/17/19
to Gen
And it did not go well. As in, he is no longer my boyfriend and I cried all the way home on the subway. But that has to be some rite of passage, right? Who hasn’t cried on the subway! No one even cared! (It might have helped that this guy was taking off his clothes and trying to urinate, but people didn’t seem too fazed by that either.)
But let me rewind to a much simpler and less wet (tears! I’m talking about tears!) time.
ROUGHLY TWO HOURS AGO:
OUTSIDE, CITY STREET—EVENING
Pedestrians whizz by on their way to meetings and illicit affairs. A young woman, AVA, rushes out of a high-rise in pursuit of an older man, late 20s, name is not important. (BEN.)
AVA
Hey!
The older man turns around, a glimmer of annoyance on his pasty face. He waits.
AVA
What happened earlier? Why were you ignoring me?
He lets out a LONG sigh, much longer than natural, definitely forced, very over dramatic.
OLDER MAN
I think we want different things.
CUT TO:
Quite a bit of screaming! In public. On the sidewalk. That’s two rites of passage in one day! Things are really coming up Ava.
Here are a few highlights from our argument. Please let me know who you think won and who is a pathological liar with a flair for manipulation.
Him: We work together, so this isn’t a good idea.
Her: You said it was fine. You convinced me it was fine.
Him: I have to focus on my career.
Her: No one is stopping you from focusing on your career. I come to all your shows.
Him: I just wanted this to be casual. You’re moving too fast.
Her: YOU WENT TO A BARRE CLASS WITH MY FAMILY!
Him: Let’s just go back to being friends.
Her: WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS!
I await your verdict from inside a pint of ice cream in my bathtub. (Trying to knock out as many rites of passage as possible.)
I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! ANSWER YOUR PHONE.
A
Re: I CONFRONTED HIM
Gen Goldman
10/17/19
to Ava
Ah! I missed your call! And now you’re not picking up! We are star-crossed callers!
Re: Ben!
Are you fucking kidding me??? That bastard! If I had literally any money I would hop in a 747, fly to New York and cut one ball off. That’s right. Only one. So he maintains his sex drive but can’t have sex until it heals.
Do you remember how you didn’t understand what gaslighting meant? This is gaslighting! He is completely rewriting your history together and then making you feel crazy for remembering the truth.
I HATE HIM.
If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, then double that for the best friend of that woman. I could rip him apart with my bare hands. And then smear his insides on Beau’s model train collection.
The only good thing to come out of this is proof of your psychic abilities. You might be one more notch on his bedpost but he’s another bullet point in A Brief History of Ava’s Gut. If this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, the CIA would be lucky to have you.
Please don’t let this bring you (all the way) down! You have so much going for you! You still have an incredible internship and a surprisingly nice roommate. Your parents are rich AND supportive. And I’m your best friend. In the rankings of best life ever it’s pretty much Cardi B and then you. Call me back when you can so I can hear your melodious high-pitched voice.
All my love and rage,
G
7:45 PM
Are you still alive?
Yes.
Unfortunately.
Where are you?
My room.
Have you contacted him?
Why?
What did you say?
Stuff.
AVA!
Other people do hard drugs! I send regrettable texts! Leave me alone!
Fair.
But I’m never going to leave you alone.
8:13 PM
How am I supposed to go in to work tomorrow???
I want to die.
He’s just a guy!
There will be many more guys!
And, maybe, if you’re open, a lady or two.
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND
Gen Goldman
10/18/19
to Ava
I am officially catfishing Beau. That’s right. I have created a new identity based on all of Beau’s interests: boobs, blondes, fishing and candles. Yep! He loves candles, especially musky ones. They stink up the whole office! This place is going to be so much better once I destroy him.
Her name is Beulah Bottoms and she lists her birthday as 1985 but she doesn’t look a day over thirty. I found, courtesy of Google, images for the keywords “tragic accidents.” Don’t worry. I only used the before photos.
I wanted to start small to keep it believable but Beau took the bait so easily, Beulah’s been chatting with him all morning on Facebook Messenger! It’s like he’s never even heard of a bot.
Full con
fession, I’m not totally sure how Beulah will cause his professional demise but I am desperately in need of something to do (other than my job). I leave for the airport in three hours so Beulah will be offline for the weekend. That will certainly drive him wild!
How are you doing??? Other than alive. I’m choosing to believe you are still alive.
LOVE YOU INSIDE AND OUT AND ALSO INSIDE,
G
4:32 PM
How are you getting to D.C.?
Air Force One.
How are you paying for it?
Alex hooked me up with miles.
It’s good to bang people in moderate places.
He might dominate me financially but I wear the strap-on.
You know what I mean????
AVA???????
6:32 PM
On the plane.
Safe flight.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
BIG BOYS STOMPING IN MY AIR FORCE ONES
Gen Goldman
10/19/19
to Ava
D.C. is crazy. I thought all of America was crazy, but these crazy people actually influence things, which makes it even scarier. Every single person in the airport was wearing a suit. Except my flight. (Florida! Keeping it casual! Regardless of the circumstances or appropriateness!)
I took a cab to Alex’s apartment. He offered to pick me up, but I like to be low-maintenance. Plus it’s always fun to maintain an element of surprise. I wanted to barge in naked but he double-locked his door and has a roommate so that plan went out the window. I actually really like his roommate, Simone. She doesn’t speak but you can tell she’s thinking.
I thought we would spend the night in, because, you know, sex, but Alex wanted to “show me the city,” which meant he needed to network at some event. Fine! Whatever! I am great at schmoozing. But apparently I’m NOT great at dressing myself. Alex went through my suitcase and determined NONE of my two outfits were “business casual.” WHY WOULD THEY BE??? If I ever do any business I want to be very formal about it.
He ended up asking his roommate to dress me, which led to a very unforgettable nude session where I bared my chest and Simone faced the wall. I ended up in a pencil skirt and blazer. I would send you a photo but I wouldn’t let anyone take any.
The “networking” occurred in some fancy hotel lobby and I got “too drunk” so now Alex is ignoring me and I’m eating hash browns from McDonald’s. Feels like college!
I think you’d like D.C. It’s very clean. Although I’m told there is a “dirty side.” Maybe we should both live here and move to the appropriate quarters for our personality/hygiene.
Alex just made eye contact for the first time all morning so I’ve got to run!
Miss you! Love you! Wouldn’t want to be you!*
GEN
*Unless it was only for like a day. That could be dope.
3:25 PM
Look at my Instagram
Why?
Because it’s funny.
And I love attention!
5:12 PM
Are we in a fight?
Because I know I can be a bit oblivious but I don’t remember a fight.
Except for the five or six ones I’ve already had with Alex.
He is my favorite person to fight with.
Is this why people get married?
7:37 PM
Let’s just talk when you’re back. Have a fun weekend.
WOW!!!!
Is this how you treat the guys you date????
It’s ruthless!
8:21 PM
What did I do????
You have to tell me so I can prepare my defense!
Stop it. You’re with Alex.
No! I’m with his colleagues. Alex is nowhere to be seen.
????
Oh! There he is! He went to the bathroom.
I’m drunk.
I know.
I LOVE YOU
BUT I’M NOT SORRY
You don’t even know what you did!
Yeah, but I hate taking responsibility! So I’m getting out in front of this one.
Tell Alex to get you a water.
You take such good care of me.
HERE’S THE THING
Ava Helmer
10/20/19
to Gen
I’m pissed. At first I thought maybe I was being too sensitive since I’m going through a breakup. But then I realized I AM GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP and you, my best friend, don’t seem to give a shit.
I already know what you’re going to say in response to this.
1) People break up all the time. It’s not that big of a deal.
MY RESPONSE: Sure. But not everyone is me, a mentally unstable headcase who puts far too much importance on romantic relationships. Do I want to be this way? Absolutely not. Do I know how to stop being this way? Absolutely not. So even if YOU don’t think it’s a big deal, it is a big deal to ME.
2) Ben sucks. This is a good thing.
MY RESPONSE: You have never met him. You don’t actually know him. Us staying together and being HAPPY would have been the good thing.
3) Don’t want to dwell on the bad. Better to move on as quickly as possible.
MY RESPONSE: I need time to process and grieve. Also it’s been less than a WEEK.
I’m sorry if this is aggressive but you asked me so I figured I’d tell you the truth. We obviously don’t need to get into it all right now. Tell Alex I say hi.
A
10:07 PM
You get back okay?
Yep.
Did you see my email?
Yep.
Cool. So glad I took the time to write it.
Re: HERE’S THE THING
Gen Goldman
10/22/19
to Ava
Hey, sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Things ended badly with Alex so I sort of took the day off from people yesterday. (If by some chance Grady calls you, the official story is food poisoning from those shady politicians. The true story is I spent the entire day watching Madam Secretary because there are two bi characters in season three and I had to start from the beginning for context.)
While I appreciate you taking the time to answer for me, I would prefer to speak for myself from now on.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. But I can’t just drop everything in my life whenever you go through a breakup. I’m not saying the breakups are always your fault but it’s hard for me to see you date the same kind of guy over and over again. You are a catch, Ava! But not everyone is smart enough to see that.
Also, I’m just getting a bit tired with the whole “I need a guy to be happy” thing. I get why you want it but you don’t NEED it. You have a kickass job, you’re living in N.Y.C. and you don’t even enjoy sex that much. Why not focus on the good stuff and not some shitty stand-up comedian twice your age? (That was an exaggeration obviously but come on, we are nowhere near thirty. It’s like another galaxy.)
Sorry if this is aggressive but I also wanted to be honest.
G
9:32 PM
What happened with Alex?
Is this your version of an olive branch?
No.
I’m still mad.
But I’m also nosy and curious.
Ah! A juicy story!
Or as I call them, “Ava’s kryptonite!”
If I had to pick ONE thing that went wrong I guess I would have to say his personality.
He has a bad one.
hahaha
Has D.C. changed him?
No. He is the same.
HA!
I guess we both keep making the same mistake, huh?
Yeah, but mistakes are my brand. You’re supposed to be the smart one.
You did better on the SATs …
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LET THAT GO! I GUESSED HALF THE ANSWERS!
THAT MAKES IT WORSE!
ur unbearable
I’m so glad
we’re friends again.
THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE
Gen Goldman
10/22/19
to Ava
And by people, I mean Alex. What is with that guy??? Has he always been an unbearable mix of arrogance and cluelessness? Don’t answer that.
I honestly thought it would be a fun, carefree weekend. You know, because we are twenty-two and the world is burning, so why not enjoy ourselves? Apparently, there is no “fun” in Washington, D.C., and to assume so only shows my “ignorance.” Which is surprising because I “claim to be an active citizen of the world.”
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
I finally figured out where he actually works, by the way. It’s called ACORE and it’s a lobby that promotes green energy. Apparently the clean energy racket is a real toxic environment. Go figure! (Wow. I love puns.) It’s very cutthroat and his boss is a real nasty SOB despite living a completely sustainable lifestyle. I asked if he would ever switch causes, maybe work for the National Center for Trans Equality, where the people might be nicer and he SNAPPED. How could I not realize by now that being trans isn’t his entire identity? Do I not listen to him AT ALL?
In my defense, everyone knows I’m a bad listener.
I’m also pretty sure he’s never mentioned a passion for clean energy before … I think it just looks good on his resume. But what do I know? I’m just a political wife.
We also argued over my meat intake. Actual meat. He’s vegan now. If that wasn’t completely obvious from everything I said above. Something about eating a lot of beans brings out the worst in people.
It was such a relief to come home to my pregnant cat. Lyle Rainbow watched her while I was gone since I needed a cat sitter and he needed a home. I think that lady is going to pop any day now but I also have no idea how cat pregnancy works …