by Gaby Dunn
Long story short, I am in love with Alex and will not stop until he is mine again.
Planes, Trains and Super Shuttles,
Ms. Genevieve Goldman
Re: THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE
Ava Helmer
10/23/19
to Gen
Can I start out by saying: you are insane. And that is coming from someone who publicly identifies as crazy.
YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ALEX.
You are in love with a challenge. Because you come from a broken home and your father never gave you love unless you begged for it. (Pretty good analysis, right?)
I understand that Alex appears to be a catch. He is handsome, driven and incredibly smart. He also SUCKS to be around. Remember when I came to visit you senior year and he wouldn’t let us talk over Vanderpump Rules because “talking ruins the viewing experience?” It was freaking VANDERPUMP RULES! Talking over it is the viewing experience!
He is also pretty mean to you and I think sometimes you think it’s his way of flirting but he’s just being mean …
You told me to stop making the same mistakes. I think you need to listen to your own advice for once. (About this situation specifically. Do NOT listen to any of your other advice. Next thing I know all your money will be tied up in Bitcoin. Sometimes I’m glad you don’t have any money to lose…)
I would keep yelling but I have to get back to work. Now that Ben is no longer interested in giving me a “leg up,” I have to actually get to know everyone else in the office or else I have no shot at the junior producer position. I keep kicking myself for not turning my bizarre lunch with Halona into more of a career opportunity.
But as that old saying goes: you live, you learn, you die.
Ava
4:25 PM
Guess what!
Chicken butt!
I want a divorce.
Fine. But I get the house AND the kids.
I should never have agreed to the prenup!
What happened??
Beau wants to meet Beulah IRL!
What? Who is Beulah!???
The perfect woman!
Beulah Bottoms!
Ohhhh the catfish!
Beau has been sending her love messages all weekend!
What are love messages???
They’re not quite sexts but they’re not platonic either!
This is so sad!
What are you going to do now??
Unclear but it’s gonna be huge.
OY.
HOW TO GET BOTTOMS INTO BEAU’S ASS
Gen Goldman
10/23/19
to Ava
Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
I honestly completely forgot about Beulah Bottoms while I was in D.C. but I had given Lyle the login info so Beau’s future lover wouldn’t totally disappear for days. I thought he would maybe check in once or twice but this guy went full-blown John Adams. (Adams was known for sending tender and lengthy correspondences to his wife, Abigail. Wanted to save you the google. Unless you want to actually read those letters. Which I can’t recommend enough.)
Lyle and Beau have been sending paragraphs upon paragraphs to each other. I had no idea Beau was such a fan of war novels. He has read every one. About every war. This seems like a pretty big red flag to me but Lyle (pretending to be Beulah) loved it? Why do boys love war so much? I guess we will never know. But it’s one more argument for the matriarchy.
I haven’t been this excited since Tegan and Sara performed at Emerson and Tegan winked at me. WHAT IF BEAU AND LYLE FALL IN LOVE??? WHAT IF THIS WAS MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH??? Fuck journalism, I am going to create some sort of catfish/matchmaking service. I have to see if fishmatch.com is already taken!
Beau is getting real eager to plant a wet one on Beulah Bottoms’s bottom so we need to come up with an excuse. Here are our options thus far:
1) Botox gone wrong. Needs time for skin to heal.
2) Caring for an ailing parent who can’t be left alone in case they need to defecate.
3) Agoraphobia.
4) Currently traveling for international work that may or may not involve illegal espionage.
5) Bad belly.
I eagerly await your thoughts. I am leaning towards 2. Lyle votes 4.
G
7:52 PM
Botox gone wrong.
But that’s so boringgggg.
Which makes it believable!
What did you mean by “bad belly”?
General badness that causes inability to leave the home.
Sticking with Botox.
FINE.
8:11 PM
I haven’t brought up Ben in days BTW.
I know!
I haven’t brought him up either!
FALLING OFF THE OL’ WAGON
Ava Helmer
10/24/19
to Gen
Okay, so I know I literally JUST bragged about not talking about Ben, but I have to bring him up because I HATE him. Guess who went to lunch with Halona today? Lacie. Guess why? Because Ben set it up. Is he already fucking Lacie? Unclear. Is he the biggest dick I have ever met? Absolutely. And I do NOT mean that in the physical way. He was average at best. And I am never having sex again because it only leads to bad things. And minor stinging if I don’t use enough lube.
This whole thing is ridiculous because Lacie doesn’t even LIKE Ben. And she was pissed at me for getting special treatment. (Hypocrite, much?) I think the worst part of all this is how DUMB I feel. I’ve always been bad at boys but I’ve never been bad at work. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I would have my success to keep me warm when I went to bed alone at night. Now I have nothing! And our radiator is barely working so it is very cold! My pinky toe feels like it’s going to fall off! If that happens I’ll be alone, unsuccessful and lopsided. The pinky toe does a lot more than you think!
The only sliver of good that has come out of this is my repaired relationship with Dana. He took really good care of me post-breakup. He didn’t make me talk about it when I was scream-crying in my room but he keeps bringing me snacks and inviting me places. Plus, he’s totally giving Lacie the cold shoulder now, which feels way better than it should.
Question: if you are mature, do you just not have feelings? Or do you only feel happy things? Like joy? What does joy feel like?
I hate Ben. Ben all men. Do you get it? Ben instead of ban. (That will be my sign for Women’s March 2019.)
A
2:32 PM
Oh my god.
I know, right??
How do you know?
Did you read my email?
Not yet!
Oh …
What are you “oh my god”ing?
Beau is looking up summaries of war novels on his computer!
I don’t think he actually reads them!
Lyle is going to be heartbroken.
Lyle knows this isn’t a real relationship, right?
I think so.
I’ll ask him when I get home.
HE STILL LIVES WITH YOU????
What am I going to do? Throw him out?
He’s Tabby’s father!
I guess it’s important for a cat to have two parents.
EXACTLY!
3:10 PM
WOW!
BEN IS AN ASSHOLE
Thank you for reading.
8:12 PM
Should Dana and I start a YouTube channel together?
What kind of channel?
I’ll probably say yes regardless.
Something comedic.
Maybe like our own version of Weekend Update? But we are playing characters? Who don’t understand the news?
So regular news anchors?
JK
I love it!
Really??
For sure. You need a project.
Other than me.
Awww, you’ll always be my favorite project.
I reje
ct your need to fix me!
But I also love the attention.
BREAKING NEWS
Gen Goldman
10/25/19
to Ava
Isn’t it ironic that I’m actually supposed to be covering breaking news and instead I’m sending emails to you during work hours?! Jobs are crazy!
I have two very important items to report.
1) Coralee is officially “in a relationship” on Facebook with someone named Deacon Mason who looks like he can bench 250 and also forgot to vote but if he did it would have been for Gary Johnson. He seems to love rifles and his mom. (Basing this off of a massive back tattoo that involves both a rifle and the word “Mom.” I have no idea how she met this guy or how long they have been “unofficial” before now. If I had to “check in” with my feelings about the situation per your endless meddling I would say I feel “highly amused.” The guy’s name is Deacon Mason! Coralee wouldn’t go that hard at being straight if she wasn’t at least a little bit queer. She will be crawling back to me in no time! (I realize bisexuality exists, as I am a notable and long-standing member of the community, but give me this.)
2) Beau is a changed man. He smiles at me at least half the time we make eye contact and he seems to be showering more. I think he’s actually been whistling while going to the bathroom. (It’s a painfully cramped office. I’m a bit worried about Phyllis’s bowels if we’re being honest.) I think now is the perfect time to cuddle up to him metaphorically and make him change his mind about cutting off my Open All Doors exposé. I need to do it quickly before the entire catfish plot blows up in my face. Because I really don’t see a way out of this one … Unless Beulah Bottoms gets killed off … That always seems to solve plot problems on TV shows. Also great if the actor gets pregnant or needs to go to rehab. REHAB! Maybe Beulah goes to rehab! Wow! Sometimes you just need to talk/write things out.
Those are my updates! Also, Alex texted me but I’m trying not to care enough to make it an official update. Especially since it was just a link to an article about the health hazards of too much sugar. We haven’t talked in a week and he sends me an article about the health hazards of sugar! That man is a maniac! I love him.
More news at 10.
JK
I am very bored!
G
Re: BREAKING NEWS
Ava Helmer
10/25/19
to Gen
I no longer believe these are people’s actual names. Deacon Mason??? Come on! I’m on to you and your elaborate exaggerations. I bet his name is Dan Mason or something … Maybe there isn’t even a new BF after all … Maybe Coralee is a figment of your twisted imagination! Maybe you aren’t even in Florida!
If you didn’t look so tan in your IG pics, I would fly down there and try to expose you!
Assuming the rest of your news update was real, I have to say you are really taking everything in stride. Although I wouldn’t assume Coralee will come crawling back. Maybe you should get back on the apps? And meet someone new? (I’m purposely not engaging about the Alex “update” if you can even call it that. DOES HE HAVE FEELINGS? HOW CAN WE SURVIVE WITHOUT SUGAR?)
Re: Beau. I think Botox followed by rehab makes sense for character development. She clearly has no problem injecting things into her body! Ba dam tss! I recommend getting out of this con as quickly as possible. I don’t think I need to explain why.
Things are really heating up over here between Ben and Lacie. I caught them chatting at the water cooler because my life is a parody of cliché heartbreak. They both looked at me with so much pity, which FOR ONCE I don’t think I earned.
Never let me shit where I eat again, okay?
I’m gonna bathe my wounds in frozen hot chocolate later with Dana and some of his UCB friends. I dropped the ball on signing up for the class because of a boy (and my crippling fear of performing in public). I might do a boot camp for the first level so I can catch up with Dana.
How is your pregnant cat? Are you giving her multivitamins?
AVA HELMER, a reformed idiot
8:13 PM
Guess who texted me.
Weed.
hahaha
You think marijuana, the plant, texted me?
I am on marijuana
I can tell!
Obama
Ha! I wish!
What do you think Obama texts about?
Dogs.
I would KILL to text Obama about dogs.
Woof!!
Is someone there to take care of you bb?
Woof!!
That’s dog for yes!
Who texted??
Coralee!
Shut the fuck up!
Already???
MY LOVE IS HER DRUG
I can’t stop eating.
Woof!
THE CURIOUS CASE OF CORALEE
Gen Goldman
10/26/19
to Ava
How ya doing weed head? I’m assuming you got home safe and sound and then ate yourself into oblivion? If so: proud of you.
I thought I’d take another stab at filling you in since you kept barking at me last night. (Which I loved. Obviously.)
Coralee reached out around 8 last night with a simple, “Hey, what you up to?” Interesting move since she recently went public with the boy she never mentioned before. In an effort to be the more honest and forthcoming one, I replied, “Clipping my toenails and watching Queer Eye with Lyle.” No response. I caved and followed up with “What u doing?” She replied, “Bored. Watching the BF play video games.”
I WALKED RIGHT INTO HER TRAP!
She got to casually mention her BF like it was no big deal. There is no way she would have gotten away with that shit if I was a guy she was hooking up with. Sure, us queer ladies can get married and walk around holding hands (in most parts of the country) but there is still a HUGE double standard when hooking up with “straight girls.” She’s lucky I’m not a psycho. Or at least, not a psycho about this stuff. Don’t try to come at me about politics.
Instead of confronting the elephant in the room named Deacon Mason (hahahahahah), I simply asked, “What game?” Because I am the MASTER.
Within half an hour we were sexting while Deacon progressed to level 5 of BioShock 2. I’d feel bad for the guy if I hadn’t seen his back tattoo.
How was your night, you stoner????
G, Master of Ceremonies and Mind Games
Re: THE CURIOUS CASE OF CORALEE
Ava Helmer
10/26/19
to Gen
I love weed! It doesn’t taste bad and I feel great! Well, not great, but not any worse than usual!
Dana’s friends are so great. Except for this one guy, Mickie, who would not stop doing Bill Gates impressions. I think it’s the only impression he can do because there is no topical reason to do Bill Gates … I guess it is the price I have to pay for hanging out with improvisors.
For at least an hour, I completely forgot about Ben and his bad stand-up. I never told you this but it was BAD. Like cringe-worthy. I think I convinced myself it was funny in an “alt” way but it was just dumb and casually racist? Not full-blown or anything, but his sets would have done better in the nineties, before the masses had taste.
I think I’m gonna go sign up for a gym. My therapist recommended it and there is one right around the corner. I don’t know what I will do in a gym but it’s always good to push yourself? Plus I plan on being high for the majority of my life now and the munchies are going to catch up to me at some point. What if I fall in love at the gym??? (Sorry. I know I shouldn’t be doing things based on dumb things like “love” but I can’t help it. I’m a romantic! And I need something to motivate me other than exercise.)
What are you going to do today? Please don’t say “flirt with Coralee.” You’re better than being the other woman to some guy. I think you would be good at being the other woman to a really powerful wo
man, but that’s different. I’m not sure why but it seems more interesting and less degrading!
Is there anyone new to focus on? Maybe you should come visit me? We need someone to shut Mickie up!
Toke Up
Ava
5:21 PM
IT’S HAPPENING!
OH MY GOD!
What are you talking about?
BIRTH!
LIFE!
KITTENS!
AHHHHH!!
How many are there??
It hasn’t happened yet, but it’s coming!
Did her water break?
Do cats have water to break?
I don’t think so.
But she keeps licking her genitalia and that’s one of the main signs!
Wow. She really is your cat.
8:23 PM
My pussy has stopped licking her pussy.
I think it might have been a false alarm.
Damn!
What am I supposed to do now?
I canceled all my plans for the week!
That can’t be true. You don’t make plans.
LIFE’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE BUSY MAKING PLANS BABY
I feel bad for Tabby. You seem like a lot as a roommate.
FALSE ALARM????????
Ava Helmer
10/27/19
to Gen
Hello,
How are you? I am not good. I have found what I can only assume is an infected STD on my vulva. I was originally going to write vagina but then I vaguely remembered the vagina is a different part so I googled the female body since sex education in this country is SEVERELY lacking. FOR EXAMPLE, I have never had unprotected sex and yet somehow I have contracted a life-threatening STD!
I know what you’re thinking. “Ava, calm down. It’s probably an ingrown hair.” Believe me, I want nothing more than the culprit to be an ingrown hair. I won’t even pull it out. I’ll let it grow and grow. I respect hair! I love hair! I think I have AIDS.