Please Send Help

by Gaby Dunn

  Is it possible I’m overreacting due to the recent stress in my (love) life? Sure. Of course! This is classic catastrophizing. BUT I can’t help but feel I’m not overreacting. I know I have never been super “in touch” with my body. It took me wayyyy too long to realize I have chronic dry eye. Or realize my daily headaches were not normal. I’ve also misdiagnosed myself with appendicitis more often than I would like to admit. THAT SAID, I am like 99.9 percent sure this is an STD.

  If/when I die, please donate my body to science. I want to make at least one important contribution to this world.

  All the best,

  Ava Helmer, S.T.D.

  12:13 PM

  It’s definitely an ingrown hair.

  HOW DO YOU KNOW

  Statistics

  Do you know how many people have STDS???

  A LOT

  Send me a photo

  Yeah, right.

  This is not going into the Cloud.

  Have you looked at it using your phone’s camera?

  Yeah.…

  Then it’s already up there!

  How????? I didn’t take a photo!

  Doesn’t matter. They know everything.

  I’m not engaging in this. I have to make a doctor’s appointment.

  For what?

  JUST KIDDING YOU DANGEROUS MANIAC

  MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

  Ava Helmer

  10/27/19

  to Gen

  I’ve had nothing to do all day other than think about my inevitable death so in an effort to think positively, here is what I vow to change if I survive. (It’s becoming more and more unlikely so I really aimed high here.)

  1) Not feel physically terrible all the time. Why am I tired? No idea but worth figuring out.

  a. Actually eat vegetables. Other than fancy grilled artichokes.

  b. Go to the gym I am now a proud member of.

  2) Stop being so negative! I have escaped an untimely death! The least I can do is try to enjoy life! For example: if I ever have to wait in a long line, I can use that as a nice time to listen to music or a podcast instead of plotting the murders of everyone in front of me.

  3) Get a pet. Most likely one of Tabby’s kittens. I am TERRIFIED of fur and shedding. But maybe once I have looked death in the face, a little hair won’t seem so bad. Except I wear A LOT of black … What are the chances Tabby will have an all-black cat that gravitates toward anxious energy?

  4) Be nicer. You get back what you put out, according to this fancy pillow I saw at an overpriced boutique. I don’t think I would care about dying as much if I felt I had made more of a positive impact on the people around me.

  5) Wear shorts. So what if my legs are pale?! I need to regulate my temperature better in the summer!

  6) Bare my truth. Not just in my work but in my relationships. I’m here, I’m crazy, get used to it.

  7) TRY an oyster. I don’t have to like it, but I can at least try it.

  Wow. My list is so boring. Maybe I deserve to die.

  A

  Re: MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

  Gen Goldman

  10/27/19

  to Ava

  *SYSTEM ERROR* YOUR MESSAGE WAS UNABLE TO BE DELIVERED DUE TO THE LUDICROUSNESS OF THE CONTENT. PLEASE REWRITE MESSAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY BEFORE RESENDING.

  9:12 PM

  That wasn’t funny.

  Yes it was.

  IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER PERFECTLY

  Gen Goldman

  10/28/19

  to Ava

  Operation manipulate and destroy Beau is in full effect. I just cornered him in the kitchen (mini fridge in a corner) and asked him about his weekend. He BLUSHED and said he mostly stayed in. (As did Lyle, aka Beulah Bottoms.) I, not so subtly, brought up how nice it is to have a home, which segued nicely into my failed Open All Doors series. A much more receptive Beau actually listened as I explained the importance of igniting local change through journalism. This possibility had clearly never occurred to him before, despite being the son of a newspaper editor …

  By the end of his cup of coffee, he agreed to talk to Grady about reopening my assignment. Men in love are so malleable! Imagine what I could get him to do if Beulah was real and he was actually getting laid! I could start my own Spotlight team!

  How is your mental health and ingrown hair?

  Gen, International Mastermind

  Re: IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER PERFECTLY

  Ava Helmer

  10/28/19

  to Gen

  My doctor’s appointment is in an hour. I asked for a female gyno but I think they’re making me see a man. I wish you could come with me. I thought about asking Dana but even I know that’s crossing a line. (Thank you social skills class!) I tried to dress extremely conservative to minimize judgement. I want to make it seem like I tripped and fell into an STD. Like, whoops! However did I get here, good sir!

  I think I smell. I always smell when I’m nervous. Good thing I don’t have an office boyfriend anymore to notice! He hasn’t looked at me in days!

  I’m glad you’re back on the beat but part of me is worried this Beau guy might shoot you and Lyle when he finds out the truth. And knowing Florida, he’ll probably not only get away with it, but maybe get some kind of award? Like a key to the city? Or a golden crocodile?

  Please be careful. I won’t be able to protect you from the grave.

  Ava

  3:43 PM

  I can’t believe your ignorance.

  Oh no … What’d I do now?

  Florida awards golden ALLIGATORS, not CROCODILES

  Oh shit! Please forgive me. I am but a northern elite (as of two months ago)

  Do they really give out golden alligators????

  Probably!

  Text me after the doctor!

  I’ll be sending gnarled hair thoughts your way!

  5:14 PM

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  ????

  5:32 PM

  What happened???

  6:17 PM

  Ava???

  What happened?!

  What do you think happened??

  Alien abduction?

  6:20 PM

  That was a joke!

  POSITIVELY AWFUL

  Ava Helmer

  10/28/19

  to Gen

  I don’t know why I’m even bothering to write this because my life is so clearly over. I left work early to go to this gyno that Dana’s aunt recommended. Yep! Had to ask my male roommate to contact his extended family on behalf of my vagina. I thought it would be some upscale, Park Avenue spot but the place clearly hadn’t been renovated since we were born. The chairs were worn and there was coffee on the floor. I tried to tell the receptionist there was coffee ON THE FLOOR but when I mentioned it she just rolled her eyes and said, “I know.” WHAT?! Why isn’t she cleaning it up? Is it magical coffee that reappears as soon as you clean it up? Have I entered the fourth level of hell? (What are the different hell levels? I’m definitely in one of the worst ones.)

  They kept me waiting a good thirty minutes, which was just enough time to convince myself I was definitely dying. I thought about slipping on the spilled coffee on purpose to avoid my appointment completely. But then I realized these freaks wouldn’t care if I was covered in coffee. They seem completely unfazed by uncontained coffee.

  I’m pretty sure I was visibly shaking by the time an angry nurse called out, “Helmer! A. Helmer!” How hard is it to add “Ava” and make a girl feel welcome??? The nurse had to be sixty-five, which always makes me feel sad. Haven’t they worked enough? Will they ever be able to save enough for retirement? Why isn’t this doctor paying his staff more?

  She introduced herself as “Dr. Klondike’s nurse.” They are obviously not big on first names at this practice. She asked me if I wanted my mom to come in with me. This was confusing because:

  1) My mom
is in Los Angeles.

  2) I did not come into the office with anyone who could be mistaken for my mother. Mainly because I came in ALONE.

  Instead of replying with any of those explanations, I simply said, “I’m okay.” Did I mention Dr. Klondike’s nurse was TERRIFYING? She started off by asking if I was sexually active. I said, “Not currently but very recently.” She rolled her eyes. ARE MOST OF HER PATIENTS NOT SEXUALLY ACTIVE? What strange portal have I entered?

  She then asked a series of questions in a monotone that rivaled Ben Stein. (That old guy from the eyedrops commercials.) She finished by inquiring about the purpose for my visit and I whispered, “General checkup and possible infection.” She didn’t hear me at first because I WHISPERED it so I had to repeat myself in a slightly louder voice.

  Dr. Klondike’s nurse left. Without warning. I was left to put my gown on without any clue if it should open in the front or the back. I decided after much deliberation to have it open in the back. Guess what! That was the wrong decision!

  I sat on the exam table freezing my exposed butt off, making a deal with God to never have premarital sex again in exchange for my health. Not even my health exactly. But the absence of any disease that could possibly be my own fault. Cancer? Fine! I’ll take it! No one blames your poor decision-making for cancer! (Excluding lung and skin. Oy. Maybe it’s better to go with something autoimmune.)

  Just when I was bartering my future fertility for the sake of my good name, Dr. Klondike shouted, “Knock knock!” without actually knocking. He took one look at me, laughed, and announced: “How am I going to give you a breast exam with your chest covered and your butt out?!” He then made it worse by informing me I was blushing and then turning to face the corner while I swapped the gown around to open in the front. What is the point of a gown that opens in the front?!

  After I changed, like a fool, Dr. Klondike Bar washed his hands, while bragging about having “hot hands.” A lot of doctors have “cold hands” but ol’ Dr. K has always run warm. So I’m pretty lucky to have him as my doctor. Have I mentioned this man is AT LEAST one thousand years old? Clearly this is a practice where old people go to die while they work!

  After swinging my legs up onto the stirrups and scooting down three different times, the following conversation took place:

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “Let’s just take a looksie … Oh.”

  STUPID AVA MORON: “Oh, what?”

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “How old are you?”

  STUPID AVA MORON: “Twenty-two. Why? Is everything okay?”

  *STUPID AVA MORON worries that her vagina looks unusually old, which is, coincidentally, a deep-seated fear.*

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “How long have you had this?”

  *STUPID AVA MORON can’t see what he is referring to because her legs are in stirrups and her eyes are pointed at the ceiling, but her magna cum laude intelligence allows her to infer he is pointing at THE THING.*

  STUPID AVA MORON: “A couple of days … That’s actually why I came in…”

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “So this is your first outbreak?”

  STUPID AVA MORON: “OUTBREAK?! So it’s…”

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “I’ll have to get a blood test and a fluid sample. But I think we both know what this is.”

  STUPID AVA MORON: “I don’t! I’m not a doctor!”

  *guttural male laugh that mocks STUPID AVA MORON’s very essence*

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “Let’s just get the test results back, sweetheart.”

  *under his breath*

  OLD WARM-HANDED DOCTOR: “Although this is definitely genital herpes.”

  The rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur, mainly because I was too busy planning my own demise to listen to him. I know he mentioned something about past sexual partners, and the possibility the virus has laid dormant in my body for years, so I really need to talk to everyone I’ve EVER been with. He paused here, obviously hoping for me to interject with some sort of defense like, “But I’m a virgin!” or “It has to be this one guy because I’ve only ever had sex once and it was right before my beloved was shipped off to Iraq.” Unfortunately for Warm Hands, I said nothing. Instead, I cried. Loudly. With no care for my reputation because it’s already been ruined.

  THAT’S MY STORY! You can sell it to the tabloids when I go into hiding.

  Ava Herpes, Formerly Helmer

  Tue, Oct 29, 8:11 AM

  Oh my god

  AVA

  I just saw your email.

  Are you okay??

  If you don’t respond in the next five minutes I’m calling your mom.

  What do you want me to say?

  I’ll never be okay again.

  I’ll have to die alone. Probably way too old and alone.

  That’s better than way too young!

  What are you doing right now?

  Getting ready for work.

  Really?? You don’t want to take a sick day?

  I will now be sick for the rest of my days.

  There is that gallows humor we all know and love!

  It’s just herpes! Everyone has it!

  Name one person you know who has it.

  Other than you?

  JK JK I am very nervous right now because I know you’re upset.

  Oh! My dad’s friend from AA. Uncle James. He has it!

  Read what you just wrote! That doesn’t make it better!

  I’m sure tons of people we know have it. They just don’t say anything.

  Like, I’m sure whoever gave it to you knew they had it but didn’t say anything …

  According to SVU, that’s a punishable crime!

  You’re a victim!

  Really?

  Hell, yeah!

  Play that victim card!

  I wish. I have no one to blame but myself.

  Pssh! I never blame myself! And neither should you.

  I have to go to work.

  Are you gonna talk to Ben about it?

  JUST A FEW REMINDERS …

  Gen Goldman

  10/29/19

  to Ava

  1) I love you and will always love you. I might not have loved you as quickly as you loved me but I was only like three weeks behind. And if you die first I will love you till I die. That’s all I can promise because the afterlife has yet to be proved.

  2) This seems like a HUGE deal right now but:

  a) Herpes is not life threatening.

  b) There are multiple medications to prevent outbreaks.

  c) You are not your disease!

  d) At least it’s not Epidermodysplasia verruciformis? Where you turn into a tree! (Look it up.)

  3) STD stigma is just that: stigma! There is no reason to attach embarrassment and shame to something as natural as a virus. People get sick all of the time. Why should it matter how or where that disease presents itself?

  4) You are still you. Nothing important about your character, your personality or even your body has changed. You’ll take whatever medication works best and continue to kick ass!

  5) On average, sharks kill ten humans every year. BUT: approximately a hundred people die each year when they are stepped on by cows. That’s mostly just a super-fun animal fact but it also serves to remind us just how often our perceptions are not reality.

  6) Anyone worth loving won’t care about this. And it’s not like you enjoy casual sex anyway! Now you’ll know someone is truly invested in you before you sleep with them! What a great way to weed out the assholes. More people should get herpes!

  7) Fuck the police! Unless they’re an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. (That’s just an evergreen reminder.)

  You will get through this. And that’s an order!

  G

  Re: JUST A FEW REMINDERS …

  Ava Helmer

  10/29/19

  to Gen

  Thanks. Now I’m afraid of cows.

  3:45 PM

  I got sent
home.

  For having herpes?

  They can’t do that! Sue the shit out of them!

  No one here knows about that.

  I got sent home for crying too loudly at my cubicle.

  Hold on.

  Did you get sent home for crying or crying TOO LOUDLY?

  Too loudly.

  Someone cries here every day.

  Did they ask you what was wrong?

  I said someone was sick. And then I blew my nose so much that no one asked any further questions.

  What are you going to do with your free day?!

  Tell my parents I have brought great shame to their household.

  I wouldn’t open with that.

  Tell me how it goes.

  I can already tell you it’s not going to go well.

  That’s the spirit!

  YOU’RE AN AUNT!

  Gen Goldman

  10/29/19

  to Ava

  When one door shuts (not having STDs) another door opens (my cat having kittens)! I came home to find Tabby missing. This is not unusual since she is a free spirit who often hides from me as a form of rebellion. I didn’t even bother to look for her at first because Lyle told me that Beau had just requested a nude photo from Beulah and I needed to strategize our next move. But then I heard the tiniest of “meows” and my heart flipped. My babies had arrived. I finally found Tabby and Co. on a pile of clothes in my bedroom closet. She gave birth to three beautiful angels! I have already assigned them names and personalities.

  1) Paul Newman: calm, cool and collected just like his namesake. Clearly an understated alpha. Has a sensitive side. Will love fish.

  2) James Dean: the troublemaker of the group. Loves attention. Won’t stop until he gets what he wants. Not allowed in a car. Will have to be walked to the vet.

  3) Eartha Kitt: maternal, loving, sexy as hell. This is the type of feline people write songs about. People will gravitate toward her like they gravitate toward her maternal grandma (me).