Please Send Help

by Gaby Dunn

  Re: Lacie, I think we both know you need to tell her (or have Dana tell her). I’m sure she won’t want to tell anyone either, but if you keep it from her and she does contract it, I don’t think you’ll be able to live with yourself. You closed the door on an old lady by ACCIDENT two years ago and it kept you up at night for a week! You’re a good, moral, responsible person. Herpes can’t change that! (Wow, did I just write an ad campaign for herpes?)

  Before I go eat Taco Bell with my cats, I want to leave you a few possible ideas I had for what could possibly have happened to the Fernandina Beach mayor’s COS in the summer of 2004:

  1) Drug trip gone bad that ended in public defecation.

  2) Misguided office crush that turned into sexual harassment case.

  3) Drug trip gone bad that ended in public fornication.

  4) Cried during The Incredibles and then lied about it.

  5) Alligator murder.

  If you think of any other possibilities, PLEASE let me know.

  I love you with every fiber of my misandrist being,

  G(ournalist)

  8:42 PM

  What if Beau caught that guy making out with his mom?

  Oooo!

  I LIKE WHERE YOUR HEAD IS @ GURL

  My head is all I have since my body and personality are garbage.

  Okay now I don’t like where your head is either.

  Triple threat/failure.

  Tue, Nov 5, 9:17 AM

  The prodigal son returns.

  I don’t think you’re using that reference correctly.

  Does it not mean “that son of a bitch” is back?

  Actually I have no idea. I don’t understand the Bible.

  I can’t believe he had the nerve to show his face here!

  Same. But also, it’s his job.

  Since when are you the reasonable one?

  I’m not! I swear!

  Oh really???

  When was the last time you did something irresponsible?

  This isn’t about me!

  Oh my god. You love to make everything about you …

  WHAT DID YOU DO?????

  It doesn’t matter. What are you going to do about Ben?

  I’ll only tell you if you promise to tell me your thing later.

  FINE!!!!!!

  You should be a lawyer!

  You’re about as likable.

  I’m going to ignore him.

  But I am going to talk to Lacie.

  IRL???

  I think so. But Dana will be there too to back me up and potentially administer a tranquilizer if she doesn’t believe me.

  Sounds like a plan!

  I have to go uncover whether the mold in the local YMCA is toxic or not.

  Isn’t all mold toxic???

  Probably, yeah.

  WHAT DID YOU DO!?

  Ava Helmer

  11/5/19

  to Gen

  Please tell me. I need to not be the “bad” one anymore.

  Re: WHAT DID YOU DO!?

  Gen Goldman

  11/5/19

  to Ava

  Hahaha! You’re not BAD! What have you done that is morally reprehensible?? Fallen for a guy who pretended to be nice and interested in you? Yelled at said guy when he turned out not to be so nice? Stood up for yourself and your body in a time of peril???

  Don’t come at me with that herpes is “bad” shit. It’s a disease and like any other disease there is nothing moral or immoral about it! OKAY, SWEETIE????

  I think the same applies for my “transgression.” There is nothing WRONG with it but it may or may not be TABOO. Which is stupid and just a product of our dumb society. Human behavior is constantly evolving and all the things/acts deemed “unsightly” now will probably be the norm in like two hundred years if there is still a planet.

  Anyway, I hooked up with the bartender at GOTCHA last night in the break room. I think he thinks my name is Gwen. Felt like role-playing!

  How’s the ol’ Big Apple? Seen any celebs?

  G

  3:13 PM

  You hooked up with a bartender in public???

  Who is this?

  Gen! Anyone could have walked in!

  I know! That’s half the fun!

  Did you even like the guy?

  I liked him enough for 1:15AM on a Tuesday morning!

  This is making me sad.

  Why???

  I was bored and then I wasn’t.

  I took my life into my own hands! That’s feminism.

  …

  I don’t know what to say.

  No need to say anything

  That’s what journaling is for!

  Isn’t this dangerous??? He’s basically a complete stranger!

  No he’s not! I go to GOTCHA all the time.

  And Lyle was there.

  In the room with you???

  HA! No. Even Lyle has limits.

  He was at the bar.

  So he couldn’t exactly protect you.

  No one protected you from Ben.

  That’s different!

  How?

  Because you “knew” him?

  Most violence occurs in relationships!

  Just like how most car accidents happen a mile from your home.

  Fuck you and your twisted statistics.

  It feels good to win.

  GIRL POWER!

  Ava Helmer

  11/6/19

  to Gen

  Or whatever the politically correct term is today. I think I just had the most successful meeting of our generation. But I’m getting ahead of myself. We all know how important it is to set the scene.

  It was a mild day by November New York standards, which meant I was still freezing my ass off. (I don’t think my delicate skin can handle anything outside of the 75- to 85-degree range. Why did I move here?)

  Dana and I came in early (like 6AM early) to help a couple of the other interns build this ridiculous set for tonight’s show. Apparently the floor will represent lobbyists and needs to look like lava? I don’t know. They should have hired someone who actually knows what lava looks like … Or, at the very least, knows how to use a glue gun.

  By 8AM we were all pretty loopy and bonding over the misery of not being recognized for our certain genius. Apparently, every single one of us is an unrecognized comedic genius. What are the odds? We finished up around one and then were allowed to take a long lunch as payment for our extra hard work. (Not a paid lunch! Just a regular lunch with some extra padding for a nap.)

  After a bit of strategic planning on my part, Dana, Lacie and I separated from the group to try out this new taco place a few blocks over. Everyone else went for pizza because I’m now in N.Y. and not L.A. I had to really push the carne asada even though I don’t eat meat …

  Regardless of my less-than-truthful tactics, I finally had Lacie alone! Well, alone plus Dana, which honestly feels like the same as being alone. In a good way! I think I might be in love with Dana. More on that later …

  The taco place was empty because the food ended up being disgusting but it made us feel like we were alone. Which is a hard thing to accomplish in N.Y. I could tell Lacie was a bit uncomfortable so I tried to get to the point as soon as possible to avoid any awkward silences. (You know how much I hate those. I’d rather babble for hours than be alone with my own thoughts in the company of others.) I did my best to be direct and succinct.

  ME: “I have herpes.”

  LACIE: “Oh … okay.”

  *one of those long pauses I hate*

  DANA: “Ben gave Ava herpes.”

  LACIE: “OH.”

  BEN: “That’s why she’s telling you.”

  LACIE: “OHHH … What? I’ve never had sex with Ben.”

  AVA/DANA: “You haven’t?!”

  LACIE: “Ew. No. I would never sleep with that guy. No offense.”

  *offense taken*

  ME: “But I thought—”

&nbs
p; LACIE: “I mean … He tried to sleep with me. And we hung out a couple times. But we never did anything that would lead to me getting … you know.”

  AVA: “So you did do some stuff???”

  LACIE: “I mean … define stuff.”

  AVA: “YOU define stuff!”

  DANA: “I don’t think we need to get into specifics. Ava just wanted to warn you to use protection in case you guys were sleeping together.”

  LACIE: “You didn’t use protection?”

  AVA: “You can get it either way. I wanted to warn you because he didn’t tell me he had it and if you’re going to put yourself at risk you deserve to know that you are making that decision and not have someone else make it for you.”

  *another long pause that made my skin itch*

  LACIE: “That’s actually really sweet of you.”

  AVA: “Yeah. Of course.”

  LACIE: “So he didn’t tell you he had it?”

  AVA: “No.”

  LACIE: “That’s fucked up. He should get fired.”

  AVA: “I don’t think you can fire someone for having an STI.”

  LACIE: “Yeah … But you can fire someone for sleeping with the intern.”

  And that’s where the conversation really took off. It never occurred to me that Ben could get in trouble over our relationship since he was so obvious about it. Everyone knew. Like even the cleaning staff. One time I forgot my sweater in the kitchen and they left it on his desk. It doesn’t get more in-your-face than that!

  But … just because it’s an open secret doesn’t mean it’s not against the rules. Especially considering the circumstances. (Him not revealing his herpes status and then dumping me. Normally you’d think I’d at least get to do the dumping, but no! Completely powerless!) Lacie thinks if I bring a complaint against Ben to HR, there is no way they could ignore it. Especially considering it’s a female-run show (that happens to be run by a woman who hates women but most people don’t know that).

  I don’t know what to do. I obviously want Ben gone but I also don’t want to be labeled “vindictive herpes girl.” It would be different if he forced himself on me in some way but I did consent to everything (other than herpes exposure but no relationship is perfect!).

  I think the part that is hardest about this whole thing is feeling like there is this huge part of me I can’t talk about anymore. I am not good at keeping things to myself. I once spent fifteen minutes talking to a cashier about my irrational fear of tuberculosis because it’s mentioned in every single medication commercial so it must be a huge threat to everyday Americans. (We actually really hit it off. I still follow her on Instagram.)

  But NOW I can never tell people what I’m worrying about or if open sores on my vulva are causing me discomfort. I have to walk around carrying this secret shame, hating myself for not demanding STD paperwork before taking off my clothes for what will probably end up being the last time.

  How can I be a writer if I can’t even write about myself??? Maybe I should switch to fantasy. Or superheroes. Those seem to be really popular and by-the-book. I bet I could do that?

  Anyway, my hands are tired from typing. And my soul is tired from being alive.

  To reiterate:

  Option A: I try to get Ben fired.

  Option B: I write superhero movies under a moniker?

  Let me know your thoughts,

  A

  Re: GIRL POWER!

  Gen Goldman

  11/6/19

  to Ava

  Sweetest Ava,

  I don’t know where to begin. Have you ever even met someone with tuberculosis? Or have you just seen it in the movies and on TV commercials? I’m starting to think the whole disease was eradicated years ago and the government is just using it as a fear tactic … Is this my next exposé? Probably not.

  Next topic: Lacie seems like a real pleasure (sort of). That said, I’m very proud of you for putting your fears aside and telling her the truth about that mofo. Part of me thinks they did sleep together and she’s just trying to save face … Why do women feel the need to deny their sexual life/appetite to protect their “reputation?” Should that be my next exposé? Probably.

  You’re in love with Dana??? I can’t say I’m shocked. But I’m peeved I never got the “more on this later” as promised. You can’t leave me hanging like this! Can’t you see I’m starved for content? I’m a print journalist! I can’t even afford Hulu with commercials.

  And now for what you think was the main topic of discussion but actually isn’t … (More on that later. And I WILL deliver unlike some people.) … Should you try to get Ben fired? I am very conflicted because on the one hand, I think all men should be fired. And on the other, this is a decision you have to make entirely for yourself. Two or three years ago, I would have been screaming from the rooftops to “kill them all” but I’ve seen what this kind of accusation can do to the victim and it’s not pretty. Ideally we should live in a world where women can report something bad without THEIR character being called into question. Instead, the moment a woman complains, the entire situation is somehow their fault. And I don’t want you to have to face that kind of scrutiny when you’re not even sure you want to take action in the first place. This might be one of the awful circumstances where the negatives don’t outweigh the positives. Although I am more than willing to send him threatening letters until he resigns in disgrace?? Just let me know! Lyle has a hookup at the post office. (Because he hooked up with someone at the post office.)

  THE BIG FINALE! The “more on this later” we have all been waiting for …

  Why do you think you have to keep your condition a secret? You’re an open book, Ava, and nothing will break you more than trying to keep a few key pages to yourself. Might I suggest radical honesty instead? I can’t reiterate this enough: the ONLY reason STDs are stigmatized is because WE (society) choose to stigmatize them. You could change the narrative! You could be the face of herpes! Think about how empowering that would be for all the other young people who have it!

  If you’re not quite ready to have your flawless skin on a billboard, you don’t have to go public but you can go private. As in IRL but not online. You don’t need to hide this part of yourself from anyone you don’t want to. You already told your parents! No one else will take it as hard! And from what I’ve heard, they don’t even seem to care that much. It’s just given Ken something new to google. Remember last summer when he wouldn’t stop sending us articles about the benefits of eating raw? He doesn’t even eat raw! What a silly guy! Love him.

  I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my thoughts,

  G

  Thu, Nov 7, 10:27 AM

  I can’t just go around telling people I have herpes!

  Why not?

  Because! It will make people uncomfortable!

  So?

  I’m not telling you to sing it from the rooftops, but if you feel like talking about it you should.

  I don’t want to talk about it.

  You really think that if someone happens to catch me crying in public and asks “what’s wrong” I should reply “i’m upset because I have herpes”??????

  I mean you’re already crying in public.…

  What else is there to lose?

  You’re insane.

  Maybe!

  Okay, off to meet the mayor!

  Good luck!

  Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

  Have you prepared?

  Nope!

  Gonna wing it!

  2:13 PM

  What happened with Dana???

  What happened with the mayor???

  Touche.

  Email to follow.

  Same.

  SMALL GOVERNMENT (SMALLER MEN)

  Gen Goldman

  11/7/19

  to Ava

  I don’t know why people continue to shock me. I read the news. I WRITE the news. Humans are deplorable. I understand this con
cept on a macro level, but each time I meet someone new I think, “Well, this person won’t be a rotting piece of human garbage, surely!” And then I meet them and they stink worse than the Paris Sewer System. (I have obviously never smelled the Paris Sewer System but you talk about it all the time because of that one family vacation. So I think it works as a reference.) I’m comparing humans to shit. They stink like shit.

  I probably should have seen this coming since the current mayor’s predecessor was arrested for domestic violence BEFORE winning the election. So it’s obviously a VERY LOW BAR to lead this city into ruin.

  The meeting was at 11AM so I made sure I showered and everything. Did I go into the office first? No, but I blow-dried my hair to conform to society’s misguided ideas of “acceptable” and “hygienic.” I was putting in at least 95 percent. I even showed up two minutes early! Despite being the single mother of multiple newborn kittens! (Lyle is more like a fun uncle than a spouse.)

  I then had to wait for forty-five minutes in a HALLWAY because they don’t have a waiting room. They claimed budget restrictions. I claim power move. If I wasn’t already used to crouching from being a crust punk that one month in Portland, I would have been too tired to grill an elected official about gay rights. (JOKE’S ON YOU! I’m NEVER too tired to talk about gay rights!)

  They finally opened up the mahogany doors and ushered me inside. Parker, Beau’s buddy from the mystery summer in 2004 and the mayor’s chief of staff, immediately told me the mayor was running behind and I could only have a few minutes of his time. As a courtesy.

  DOES NO ONE APPRECIATE THE FREE PRESS ANYMORE???! (Don’t answer that.)

  Since I only had a “few moments” I got right down to the nitty gritty. Here is the official transcript:

  Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “Do you think queer people should be denied basic human rights such as food and shelter due to their sexual orientation?”