by Gaby Dunn
Parker Something, Political Minion: “Whoa! I thought this was a light profile on the mayor. You know. A fluff piece.”
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “Why would you think that? Sir, please answer the question. Do you think queer people should be denied basic human rights such as food and shelter due to their sexual orientation?”
Mayor, Moron: “I’m not going to answer that on the record.”
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “But off the record you think queer people should be denied basic human rights such as food and shelter due to their sexual orientation?”
Parker Something, Political Minion: “Do you have any other questions?”
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “Should Open All Doors continue its discriminatory policy when it claims to be a safe haven for those in need?”
Mayor, Moron: “Well … uh, private institutions have the right—”
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “Open All Doors files its taxes as a public charity.”
Mayor, Moron: “They do? I mean, yes, they do. But still. Religious organizations have the right to operate under their own laws and edicts*.”
*Please note the Mayor, Moron mispronounced edicts as ED-icts.
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “Don’t you think the city has a responsibly to take care of its citizens?”
Mayor, Moron: “Uh … yes?”
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “So you would agree that Fernandina Beach has an obligation to provide resources for homeless youth who are being turned away from shelters for their sexual identity?”
Parker Something, Political Minion: “Objection.”
Gen Goldman, Ace Reporter: “You can’t just shout objection. This isn’t a courtroom. It’s an interview.”
I got ushered out pretty quickly after that. I know what you’re thinking. I should have been diplomatic. I should have beaten around the bush before going after him with the hard-hitting questions, but I was pissed and I knew I wasn’t going to be given enough time. Sometimes you just have to catch them off-guard and go for the jugular. Now I just have to convince Grady to let me rip this man to shreds in the article.
Maybe if Beulah sends her first nude, Beau will be in such a good mood, he’ll back me up!
Can I borrow a picture of your boobs? It can be tasteful!
Love you, miss you, wish I could kiss you,
G
P.S. If there is an explosion at the Fernandina Beach Town Hall, please be prepared to be my alibi.
Re: SMALL GOVERNMENT (SMALLER MEN)
Ava Helmer
11/7/19
to Gen
Genevieve! You can’t make threats against the (small) government online! You of all people should know the NSA is tracking that stuff! They could show up at your door and arrest you! Only make threats against the government in person and away from your phone. Jeez! YOU are the one who taught me that.
I’m not even going to bother to lecture you about confronting the mayor. That guy obviously sucks and you are obviously not enjoying Florida. You know how I have Ava Meltdowns™? Well, it seems like you might be on the verge of a Gen Explosion™. Maybe take a few (or fifty) deep breaths before talking to Grady about the interview? Or maybe never talk to him about it?
But then again, I have a film degree. What the fuck do I know about real life?
I know I promised you info on the whole “Dana situation” but now I sort of feel dumb that I said anything. There is no way he “likes me” likes me. Especially since the infection. Plus I’m pretty sure he only likes lesbians. Or girls who look like lesbians. I shouldn’t even think about him that way. Romance is no longer a part of my life. Maybe I’ll be better off! I could accomplish great things if I’m not wasting my time worrying if some random dude will text me back.
I can make being an old maid stylish again! (Not that it was ever stylish … Or maybe it was? I have retained nothing from history.)
It would all be a lot easier if I didn’t LIVE with the guy and have to see him half naked everyday. Normally the male body repulses me. But not Dana’s …
Oh god. I have to go take a cold shower. And then permanently move into an igloo.
Ava the Nun
P.S. Please don’t be mad at me about the whole Gen Explosion™ thing. I have so little joy in my life and you’re like 75 percent of it.
11:45 PM
What’s the other 25 percent?
Fri, Nov 8, 8:11 AM
???
WHAT’S THE OTHER 25 percent OF YOUR JOY!!!!???
OH! Right!
Pizza.
Ah. I’ll allow it.
Why are you so sure that you’re straight if the male body disgusts you?
MOST male bodies.
MOST.
Do female bodies disgust you?
No. But I still don’t want to touch them.
You are so strange, little one.
Also, I’m totally fine to threaten Fernandina Beach in writing.
They don’t care enough about Florida to use NSA resources down here.
You might be right.
Send N00dz
No. Beau has been through enough.
LOVE AND OTHER (BETTER) DRUGS
Gen Goldman
11/8/19
to Ava
So I’ve been doing some thinking and I think you’re being dumb. (Sorry, not sorry. I’ve also been doing some drinking.) You can’t just turn yourself off from romance and relationships because you have the herp! That’s insane!
You’re the most love-obsessed person I know! You stopped watching The West Wing because there “wasn’t enough romance.” You cry when old people hold hands! Even if it’s just because neither of them can walk without support (Oh, god. That is adorable. Fuck.)
YOU LOVE LOVE!
And I for one will not stand here and let you forget it! (Full disclosure, I’m sprawled out on my couch with the whole threesome on top of me. It’s crazy how cats just instinctively know how to stay alive! I barely do anything for them and they seem fine. Actually, that was pretty much how it was, growing up in my dysfunctional household, so maybe it’s not so shocking after all. We should just let children raise themselves! My worst habits are things I learned directly from my parents. There should be no parents! Just children raising themselves. And cats! So many precious little cats.)
What I’m trying to say is, KISS DANA! And if Dana doesn’t want to kiss you, kiss someone else! You can’t give up on your dreams and your dreams seem to involve a straight cis man! Even if I can’t understand that dream, I continue to support it!
You are an incredible, funny, smart woman with a much bigger butt than people think.
Everyone (except Republicans) deserve happiness. But you deserve it the most.
So instead of folding in on yourself, EXPAND! BLOOM! Have one of those famous Gen Explosions™ but in a good way!
I am here if you need some sort of sensei to guide you. First tip: assume everyone wants to sleep with you and act accordingly.
P.S. Do you think I should text Coralee and tell her off? Yeah! Me too!
Gen
P.P.S I put the P.S. in the wrong place!!! EGG ON MY FACE! Ew. I hate eggs. I might need to puke.
Sat, Nov 9, 9:12 AM
Are you alive? Or did you die from alcohol poisoning and/or bad decisions???
10:36 AM
GEN!!!!!!
You can’t send me bonkers emails like that and then not reply!
You agreed to this! I have it in writing!!
11:12 AM
Gen can’t come to the phone right now due to a pounding headache and deep-seated personality problems.
Understood. But the specimen (Gen) remains alive?
Affirmative.
Please send my condolences for her behavior and have her reach out to me at her earliest convenience for a full debriefing.
Roger that, captain.
OY.
4:07 PM
Hello from the bow
els of hell!
Hello! Is it warm all the way down there?
Scorching.
And every sound reverberates like a jackhammer.
Hmmm might be a good time to accept Jesus into my heart so I don’t end up down there.
Or you could just avoid drinking an entire bottle of Jameson.
Smart!
Are you safe at home? Or in some stranger’s hotel room?
I’m at home but are you ever really safe?
Ah. I’ll wait until you’ve settled a bit more for my full debriefing.
Dana and I are going to see a movie.
Give him a hand job!
Stop.
Just sit in the back row! No one will know.
Enjoy hell.
LOOK
Gen Goldman
11/9/19
to Ava
We all make mistakes. And I happened to make a few of mine yesterday. BUT I’ve barely made any mistakes since I started living in this penis-shaped state we call Florida so I feel like I was due a few extras.
Where did the night go wrong? I think it’s more important to focus on where my LIFE went wrong. You know: treat the whole being instead of the parts. This is very holistic of me.
Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
My parents meet at an AA meeting. Well, my father was at an AA meeting and my mom was just grabbing a free coffee. She found his history of addiction “endearing.” And so their fucked-up love affair began.
I am born. My father is no longer attending AA meetings because he is too drunk to drive to them. My mother has taken to martyrdom like a fish to water. I am colicky in order to make my voice known in the world. They almost divorce.
Age five. I refuse to wear a dress to my birthday party. I throw a fit and “ruin everyone’s day.” A week later, I start wearing that same dress for a month straight and don’t take it off. I SET MY OWN GENDER RULES!
Middle school. I hang with the “fast” crowd but mostly make sarcastic comments and worry about my growing attraction to girls. I also discover porn.
High school. I meet you. Pretty chill.
College. Chaos. Confusion. Lots of “drama.” Do very well in some classes. Almost flunk out of others. Waste four years in an on-and-off thing with a guy named Alex who doesn’t even seem to like me. The only reason I care is because I must make him like me. It’s fine. We still talk. I will win eventually, Alex.
Last night. I slept with both Coralee AND her boyfriend, Deacon Mason. Then I had a shit fit and threw a lamp at a wall. You only live once, right?! (Not right. I’m still on the fence about reincarnation until someone proves to me it’s not possible.)
I’m assuming you want more details because you are so nosy and it’s also a really good story.
It all started with one of my famous sassy late-night texts.
GEN: U Up?
I know what you’re thinking. Cheesy. Corny. But that’s only if I was some fuckboi and we were both stuck in heteronormative hookup culture. Instead, we are two ladies who have a complicated history and a random dude in the picture, making my use of such a “corny” line ironic and creative. (At least I like to think so.)
Coralee must have agreed because she answered me immediately.
CORALEE: Wat u up 2?
Now, part of me wanted to believe she was simply continuing our clever parody but a larger part of me knew this is just how she texts. But who am I to judge! I have some friends I only communicate with in memes! (Hilarious memes but memes nonetheless.)
GEN: Come over.
CORALEE: Come here.
GEN: Where’s here?
CORALEE: Deacon’s farm.
Yes. Deacon lives on a farm. But we didn’t do it on hay or anything. Although his mattress was pretty lumpy so maybe? I honestly didn’t see my night going this way because she is such a slow texter and our last interaction wasn’t exactly fun and flirty.
BUT … I followed my sex drive. And my pioneering spirit. I was also drunk. Thank God for Lyle! He is my own personal Lyft! I mean his name is basically Lyft already!
I got there expecting to walk right into a ménage but instead walked into another redneck party. I had to take like four shots and explain all of my tattoos before FINALLY getting some alone time with the happy couple.
You know me. I like to have fun. I like to see where the moment takes me. I’m a simple leaf blowing in the wind. But, if I’m going to take part in a threesome, I HAVE to be in charge. That’s just the way it is if you want to hop on this old train with a friend. I’m the conductor and we’re all in for a fun ride.
Deacon and Coralee got on board with this plan pretty quickly (pun intended, as always). So the sex part of the night was fun. Mind blowing? No. But one heck of a good time, ya hear me!
Afterwards is when things got dicey. Deacon went to the bathroom to shower off and Coralee not so politely asked me to take a hike now that my work was over. Was I planning on staying the night with good ol’ Tim McGraw and Faith Hill? No. But a girl likes to be asked. Especially when she just orchestrated a flawless threesome. So I lost my temper a little.
GEN: You’re seriously throwing me out?
DISCOUNT FAITH HILL: Don’t be so dramatic. You make him uncomfortable.
GEN: He didn’t seem uncomfortable a minute ago when—
DISCOUNT FAITH HILL: He’s my boyfriend, Gen. He can’t think I have actual feelings for you.
GEN: Do you have feelings for me? Or am I just a cum dumpster?
Sorry for the language. If you want I can resend a toned down PG-13 version of events. Just let me know! Full disclosure: the only change will be subbing in “semen garbage can” for “cum dumpster.”
LOSER TIM MCGRAW: What’s that? You two ladies are too damn refined to be talking about beautiful things like cum dumpsters.
*Knockoff Tim McGraw cackles to himself.*
DISCOUNT FAITH HILL: Don’t be silly, darling. Gen was just leaving—
Okay, so this is where I threw a lamp. Would love to point out: I was pretty drunk and I hate when people say darling. Especially when it’s to someone else and I’m standing right there!
Coralee and her homosapien started shouting so I started shouting back and that’s when I was “escorted” away. (Deacon Mason carried me outside while I kicked at the air.) It was quite the evening according to all the cows who watched us struggle.
Am I proud of what happened? Kind of! You never really get to throw lamps without repercussions and this was one of those times. I had to take advantage! These people aren’t important to me. That lamp wasn’t expensive. It was kismet and now I can cross it off the bucket list. (I don’t think that time I threw a few flashlights while camping counts.)
And that was my night! I was able to call a cab to get me home since I can only abuse Lyle’s kindness before 3AM. Just another Friday!
I can already hear you yelling at me. Please keep it down. My head hurts.
G
9:13 PM
I’m not yelling.
I’m disappointed.
Yeah yeah.
Are you allowed to say “redneck”???
Isn’t that a derogatory term?
I think they reclaimed it.
Seems suspicious.
I think my cats are drunk from whatever’s seeping out of my skin.
I really hope that’s not scientifically possible.
Sun, Nov 10, 10:13 AM
You have ruined my life.
Not my first time getting this text from a girl …
What did I do this time?
You told me Dana was in love with me!
He’s not?
NO!!
And I’m humiliated!
Okay, slow down.
I don’t think I ever said he was in love with you.
I told you not to give up on love!
… By going after Dana! And now I have to move!
I HATE MOVING!
He’s kicking you out???<
br />
Emotionally!
What happened?
And not what do you think happened. What actually happened?
I’m too embarrassed.
Come on! Embarrassing things happen to you all the time!
This can’t be THAT bad!
I have to go. I hear him waking up. I must escape.
From the apartment, right???
Not the world???
AVA!!!
10:25 AM
If I was going to kill myself I would have done it already.
There’s my girl!
NOWHERE TO RUN, NOWHERE TO HIDE
Ava Helmer
11/10/19
to Gen
Dear Genevieve,
I write this from a slightly damp, smelly coffee shop fifteen blocks from my apartment. But I might as well be back inside my shared apartment around 11:30 last night because I can’t get that horrible, awful, mortifying moment out of my head. I need to stop eating so many blueberries. I remember things too clearly.
I wish I could blame what happened on alcohol or drug use but I was stone-cold sober. The only thing to blame is my own stupidity. And you. At least 20 percent of this is your fault for giving me false hope. DON’T TRY TO FIGHT ME ON THAT. I’m already claiming 75 percent of the blame. The missing 5 percent goes to movie theater popcorn, because that always fucks me up. Do they put cocaine in there? Maybe I WAS on drugs?
I didn’t start the day with plans of grand romantic gestures. I started the day like I always do lately: sad, depressed and ashamed. If anything, I had doubled down on my decision to be a bitter old maid. But then we went to the movie and my heart started to feel things again.…
Romantic comedies should come with a warning: PLEASE BE ADVISED. NONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS BASED IN TRUTH AND NONE OF THE FOLLOWING WILL EVER EVER HAPPEN TO YOU.
I wonder how many lives have been ruined by Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon and Anne Hathaway. Probably too many to count.