UnMasked

by Yara Gharios

  “I’m not trying to go back on our agreement,” I begin by assuring him. “But… it feels like you’re taking advantage of it. Like keeping me locked up to protect me was actually your plan all along, and now you just have an excuse for it.”

  He stares at me with a condescending look.

  Sh*t. That came out as an accusation. I should have kept my mouth shut.

  I rush to take it back. “Sorry, that’s not how I –”

  He cuts me off. “Fine.”

  Taken off guard, I blink down at him. “What?”

  “The lady wants a date?” He shrugs. “You got it.”

  My suspicion flares, due to the lack of tenderness when he says it. “Really?”

  “Sure,” he smiles, though it seems a bit forced.

  It’s not just me, right? Anyone would feel like they’re being duped when someone says something that is meant to be reassuring but lacks said reassuring tone. Right?

  “Are you okay?” I tentatively ask, fearing a sudden lashing out on his part.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says in a higher-than-necessary tone. “If going out on a date will make you happy, then that’s what we’ll do. How does tomorrow sound?”

  “Uh,” I hesitate, still unsure whether or not it’s a trap, “I guess that sounds okay.”

  After that, he resumes our make-out session as if uninterrupted. Something feels off to me, though. I can’t get into it as much as I was before, and I end it sooner than either of us would have liked on account of the time.

  By morning, I’ve convinced myself that I’m just imagining things, and I’ve actually mustered up some enthusiasm over my first real date. I work harder than I ever had before to get ready. I want to look nice, even in high waist jeans and a simple crop top. However, I don’t get much of a reaction out of Logan. First time I ever willingly show some skin, and he barely blinks when he sees me. He just smiles, in the polite way people smile at each other, and asks if I’m ready. That should have been my first clue, or actually my second, after his reaction last night.

  We take the car with the most tinted windows. I still can’t be seen in public as a girl, so we need a car that hides that well. That should have been my third clue.

  Unfortunately, I don’t start getting suspicious, I mean really suspicious, until Logan swerves off the main street to an off-road path that fits the size of the car.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, hoping for a surprise picnic that would dispel my worries about this being a trap.

  “Hiking,” he replies nonchalantly. “There’s a good trail we could follow all the way back to the compound. I’ll leave the car here for Cade to pick up.”

  At first, I’m too bewildered to be angry. “But I’m not dressed for hiking.”

  He doesn’t even glance at me. “You’re fine. Besides, if it gets too much, I can carry you on my back.”

  My lips set in a thin line as I finally started to get angry. “And how long exactly will it take us to find our way back to the compound?”

  “An hour or so.”

  Fuming, I lean back into my seat. “Why are you doing this?”

  “Did you expect something more public?” he responds. “You know we can’t risk you being seen.”

  And a picnic was too much to ask? I retort in my mind.

  Hearing this, he throws me a look from the corner of his eyes. “I brought a basket with everything ready in it. It’s in the back. We can sit down for a picnic halfway there.”

  This doesn’t alleviate my mood. If anything, it makes me angrier. I look out the window to avoid saying something that I would regret. A few minutes later, we arrive to the end of the path, and park.

  I can’t stay quiet any longer. “You couldn’t have just told me this is what we’re doing? I could have been more prepared, and better dressed.”

  “I thought a surprise would make you happy.”

  That’s it. Now I’m really mad. “Oh, bullsh*t Logan!” I snap. “Don’t pretend you were being romantic. You would have said something if it was. This is just your way of making sure that I wouldn’t bring up going out on a date again. You’re making sure I have a crappy time so I wouldn’t want a repeat. It’s not sweet, it’s cruel!”

  Roughly opening the door, I jump out of the car and slam the door behind me. I start on the trail immediately, stomping my way through. He follows after me silently, taking long but light strides that match my loud and angry ones.

  We go on this way for a while, both of us too stubborn to be the first to say something that would lead to us making up. It takes about fifteen minutes before a change occurs. Behind me, I hear Logan sigh in defeat, and catch up to me. He grabs my wrist, with more gentleness than I was expecting, and tries to get me to face him. But I’m still too angry, so I yank my arm free and quicken my steps.

  “Dylan, wait,” he pleads.

  I change my mind and come to a stop, twisting so suddenly to glare at him that he jumps back in shock. “You lied to me. You looked me in the eye, all innocent, and lied. You said you would never do what my parents did my whole life. You promised that you wouldn’t treat me like a prisoner!”

  His eyes widen in surprise. “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

  “Oh really?” I yell. “So this isn’t your way of making sure we have a bad date so I wouldn’t want to have a proper one with you again? This isn’t your way of ‘protecting me’ by keeping me hidden from public? If that’s not it, then what the hell are you trying to do?”

  “I’m trying not to lose you!” he fights back.

  “Yeah, ‘cause that’s so different from protecting me,” I snap and turn back around to continue up the trail.

  Logan takes my wrist again, this time not giving me room to fight him off, and twists me around to face him. “I’m sorry,” he says truthfully. “I was wrong to do this to you. It was cruel, like you said. But you can’t blame me for where it’s coming from.”

  “Logan, my parents also had good intentions when they locked me up on my period, but that doesn’t make it right,” I argue hotly, for once too worked up to care about saying the word ‘period’ with a straight face.

  He drops my wrist to run his hand through his hair. “It’s different for me, okay?”

  I throw my hands up in frustration. “How the hell is it any different?”

  “Because they don’t know what it’s like to lose someone they love!” he screams. “They were always afraid they would lose you, they were concerned you would be taken away by someone. They don’t know what it’s like to really feel those things. I do! I’ve lost my entire family already. I have no one left. I’ll be damned if I lose you too.”

  My face falls. I am shocked into silence. I expected a lot of arguments from Logan, but I did not expect anything like this. I should have known, though. I mean, I know how he feels about family, particularly his own. I guess I didn’t think I mattered to him enough to rank with them in importance.

  He is too ashamed to keep looking at me. It’s a rare thing for him to show a sign of weakness, and he just basically showed me how intensely vulnerable he is. I can’t treat this lightly, but I can’t make such a big deal out of it that he would regret opening up to me and think twice about doing it again. The fact that he did it just now means he’s giving me an opportunity to dispel his worries and make sure he doesn’t feel a need to go to extreme measures again.

  All my life, I’ve never been much for providing comfort. Yet I know I have to at this very moment, if I don’t want to lose Logan’s trust. All I can think of doing is hugging him. I rest my head on his chest, right where I can clearly hear the frantic beating of his heart. He clings to me like I’m his only anchor in this moment.

  “It won’t be like your parents,” I assure him. “You’re not going to lose me the way you lost them. They were gone before they died, I don’t know why, but that’s something that could never happen to me. Nothing can ever take me from you. I’m always going to be yours.”

  Wher
eas Logan’s arms were holding me with such a tight grip before, now they’re twisting around me as far as they can go, leaving no room me to move even an inch.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers after a while. “I shouldn’t have manipulated the situation just to keep you from wanting to get out. I just want you all to myself.”

  My stomach burns with the flutter of a thousand butterflies. “You already have me,” I promise him.

  He kisses the top of my head, then sighs. “I guess now I owe you a proper date.”

  Smiling as he releases me, I look up at him. “Do you have anything in mind?”

  He grins boyishly. “I have a pretty good idea.”

  CHAPTER 23

  “Here?” I ask, surprised when Logan’s trail ends up leading us to the cabin where he took me on my birthday. “This is your idea of a romantic date?”

  I study the place. Sure, the river and the cabin are a cute combination. The small patch of green grass at the door of the cabin also gives it a nice air of tranquility. There’s no denying the location is ideal. But the fact of the matter is that there’s not much to be done here, especially since it turned out Logan can’t make a proper picnic basket to save his life.

  I got news flash for you buddy, you suck at romance, I tell him in my mind, just to have an excuse to use the mind link.

  Logan grins sideways and walks to the edge of the river, not the least bit bothered by my comment. He then takes his shirt off and tosses it to the side.

  I gasp and blink for a good three seconds. “Okay, maybe it’s not so bad.”

  He chuckles and fixes me with a strange stare. “Remember how I told you the next time we go to the beach house, I’m going to teach you how to swim?”

  I suddenly don’t like where this is going. “Yeah…?”

  “Well,” –he shrugs– “why wait?”

  I gulp. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?” he stubbornly challenges. “I happen to know your period ended yesterday.”

  I grimace and make stopping gestures. “Okay, ew, no, that’s not what I meant!”

  How can he be so casual, when I shrink at the very mention of it? I’m the girl!

  “Then what is the problem?” he insists.

  “The problem is that I’m not wearing a swimsuit.”

  One of his eyebrows goes up higher than the other. “But you’re wearing underwear, aren’t you? There’s no big difference.”

  My mouth falls open in shock. “There’s a huge difference! Underwear is… I don’t know, more appealing somehow. And I wasn’t even comfortable in a swimsuit to begin with. I definitely will not be comfortable in underwear.”

  He cocks his head to the side. “Why are you uncomfortable?”

  There’s a dangerously amused grin pulling at the corners of his lips. Then, he takes a few steps toward me until we’re almost nose-to-nose.

  My reaction comes out unexpectedly. All at once, I feel my body heat up, starting at the center of my chest where my heart is beating frantically, and extending in every part and limb. My breathing comes out shallow, as an electric dizziness overcomes me, and I lose sense of time, place and self. My entire focus is on him, waiting for his next move which will surely cause me to combust to dust, because I’m just burning so damn much.

  “Do I make you nervous?” he murmurs in my ear as he grabs my wrists with a very, very light touch.

  Vaguely, I am aware of him pulling me in a certain direction. But I’m more concerned with the way his lips suddenly set heavenly fire to my neck. Naturally, I follow quite willingly. As his kisses slowly trail lower, he lets go of my wrists and touches my exposed waist. His hands travel up until they grab hold of my crop top, which he deftly pulls off me. Though initially I help him, I get a moment of clarity and try to stop him by putting my arms on his chest, intending to push him away. The moment I come in contact with his skin, I forget what I wanted to do in the first place.

  We stare at each other, both of us burning, gasping and suspended in time. Then he’s kissing me, better than he’s ever kissed me before. And I’m completely lost. I am not me anymore, I am nothing, just an extension of his existence. Yet, I feel too far away from him. I crave more than just closeness, I want complete union.

  At some point, I have no clue how long later, Logan pulls away to speak.

  “See?” he says hoarsely. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re absolutely gorgeous.”

  I open my eyes and slowly realize I am now lying down on the grassy ground, and Logan is somehow on top of me, supporting his own weight by leaning on his arms. Though I’m still in a daze, I resurface enough to comprehend that my pants and shoes have been discarded. Despite the fact that I was arguing adamantly against it who knows how long ago, I am now in nothing but underwear.

  And I’m fine with it.

  I know, it’s shocking to me too, but I’m not the least bit self-conscious about my body anymore. It’s impossible for me to be uncomfortable around Logan when he’s looking at me like that. There’s no room for anything other than… love.

  It’s wonderful.

  It’s intense.

  It’s absolutely terrifying.

  “What’s wrong?” Logan asks, his beautiful face marred with concern as he sees the tears begin to pool in my eyes.

  How can I explain it? How can I put into words the intensity of what I feel, and express how that scares me? Because it does. So much. Logan may believe he’s the only one with good reason to be afraid of losing me, but I’m just as frightened of being without him, if not more. He’s the first taste I ever got of love, and that’s reason enough. Because now that I’ve tasted what it’s like to love, I can’t survive with anything less, and I’m scared I’m not enough to keep from losing him.

  Words escape me, so I stay quiet for a long time. The look in Logan’s eyes, however, is what sets me back on track. I want to erase the concern and put the love back. So I focus only on the positive feeling until it overcomes me once again, and I smile brightly, though tearfully.

  “I love you,” I declare, my voice cracking.

  Although I have said it to him several times before, and always meant it, saying it now feels like a turning point. Logan feels it too, judging by the way his jaw slackens into a gasp and his eyes widen. He crashes his lips to mine in a kiss that is hungrier, though not more intense, than the first one.

  Then sadly, he pulls away again. “You’re making my head spin,” he grunts in my ear.

  I can’t help smiling, knowing that I have just as much of an effect on him as he has on me. “Really?”

  He chuckles. “Not like that. Well… not just like that.”

  A giggle escapes my lips. “Well what do you mean?”

  Once again, he pulls away, making me hate the distance that now exists between us, no matter how small. He leans on one arm and cups my face while staring down at me.

  “I mean you’re confusing me,” he explains himself. “You said you wanted to take things slow. Why did you change your mind so fast?”

  He had already asked me that once, but it’s more serious now. I couldn’t have answered him properly the first time. I’ve been thinking about this since he brought it up, trying to make sense of it just as much as he is. Now, after my moment of epiphany, I am more or less confident with the answer. The problem is, how do I say it?

  I don’t know how to explain it right, I send out as a warning.

  Obviously, he hears my thoughts. “Try,” he requests.

  “What I said about,” I pause, trying to remember exactly how I had phrased it, “this being new and strange, and me adjusting to the little things, all that, I did mean it. But… I think I had it all wrong. I thought that I needed time to get used to being in a relationship. Really, what I needed to get used to is being… me.”

  I am gauging his reaction, hoping I don’t say something that will make him want to jump in and either contradict me or argue with me. It’s hard for me to express my opini
ons, so I need him to be quiet and fully listening. Given the way he patiently waits for me to proceed, he must have gotten the message.

  “A relationship develops on its own over time,” I go on, “and ours had started from the moment we met four months ago. Wanting… some form of physical connection when we became –for lack of better word– official, was not moving too fast, it was actually just the right pace. The problem was me.”

  Logan frowns. He’s taking this seriously, but he’s still a bit confused. “How were you a problem?”

  “Maybe ‘problem’ is a strong word,” I allow, “but like I said, I wasn’t used to being myself. Not only that, I wasn’t okay with myself. I was still Michael, hiding who she really is from the world. There were a lot of things about her I didn’t like, but at least I knew what it meant to be that person. It was like a comfort zone; safe, expected. Becoming in love with you slowly peeled that protective shell away.

  “When I revealed everything to you, the reality of the situation hit me. I am not Michael the boy, I am Dylan the girl. That was the first real big crack in my armor, the first step to accepting myself. But I was still clinging to my old self because it was all I knew, and despite wanting to be free of it, I was still scared of the unknown. Being Dylan was exactly that. It still is, on some superficial level, although I’m making progress every day.

  “Making it official was the second step, because I couldn’t remain Michael with you. You made is so easy to be Dylan, because I was already myself with you, as much as I could be at the time. That’s not to say that I don’t… you know, have insecurities anymore. But I mean it was easier to transition to the person I really am by just being with you. So it’s not really the physical stuff I needed to get used to. I’ve been ready for that since I realized I love you.”

  Silence falls around us, except for the sound of running water. I allow Logan a moment to take in what I just said. After a while, he smiles a little bit, which has a slight nervous edge to it.