Warm November

by Kathleen Knowles

“Try not to. Was that too direct?” Sigrid asked in a manner that told Hayley she didn’t particularly care if Hayley thought she was too direct.

  “Nope.” Hayley gave her a wide and she hoped winning no-sweat grin. It was true, she supposed. She had so much to learn. No sense in pretending.

  “Well, I’m curious about what it feels like to you. I’ve been a dyke since I was thirteen.”

  “It feels good. A little scary, like I’ve missed a lot of experience that I suddenly have to get caught up on. How in the world did you know you were gay at such a young age?”

  “No idea. I just never had any attraction to anyone but other girls. It wasn’t a big hit with my family, ’specially my mom. She was a strict Catholic.”

  “Ow. That must have been hard.”

  “It wasn’t a piece of cake but she came around. After a while.” Sigrid’s smile was rueful. “Years. But I want to know about you.”

  So Hayley gave her the Reader’s Digest condensed version.

  When she finished, Sigrid shook her head. “Geez. That must have been a shock to your family.”

  “No one knows except my son, Robbie. He’s fine with it. He’s twenty-six.”

  “The youngsters are pretty evolved these days. But what about your ex-husband? How about your folks?”

  “Howard sort of knows and doesn’t care. He’s not part of my life. My dad’s gone. I haven’t told my mom.”

  “Ooee. Brace yourself, girl. The older generation isn’t generally known for open-mindedness about queers, and this is going to be a big surprise to your mom.”

  “I know. I’m putting it off. I’m going to have to sometime. I might get my son to help. He gets along better with my mom than I do.”

  “You may have something there. Enlisting your son’s help could work. So you met anyone interesting?” That question put Hayley off balance again. She wanted to say, “Yes. I think I like Merle,” but she didn’t want to cause trouble with Merle and her friends.

  “Yes and no. I’ve met a couple women, but no one that really grabs me. Why? Do you know anyone single?”

  Sigrid cocked an eyebrow. “Might. Maybe, maybe not. I’ll have to think about it. You okay with a set-up?”

  “Oh, my God. I would so rather do that than try to hook up online.”

  Sigrid laughed. “I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes and looking for love at my age. I don’t want to deal with all that nonsense ever again.” She shook her head.

  “I know. It feels weird to have to date and to learn how to date women to boot.”

  “It’s not rocket science. You’ll be fine. It’s just all the frogs you got to kiss before you find the princess.”

  “How long have you been with Clea?”

  “Twenty years.”

  “Wow. How many girlfriends did you have before her? Do you mind my asking?”

  “Nope. I don’t know exactly. What do you consider a girlfriend? Someone I lived with or a one-night stand? Could be real different numbers.”

  “Live with, I guess.”

  “Four.”

  “Four!” Hayley was aghast. She didn’t have that kind of time. “How many lovers has Merle had?” Her question was a little brazen, but she didn’t think Sigrid would be offended.

  Sigrid raised an eyebrow and scrutinized her before answering. “Before Kay? Just one. She was still drinking in those days though.”

  “But she hasn’t had a drink in a long time, right?”

  “No, she hasn’t.” Sigrid looked at her speculatively. Was she showing too much interest in Merle? They caught up with Clea and Merle, who’d stopped to look at some mushrooms.

  “Hey, honey,” Clea said to Sigrid.

  Hayley couldn’t get any more answers to her million questions. She caught Merle’s eye and Merle smiled, but it seemed like a sad smile. What had Merle and Clea been discussing?

  *

  Merle leaned over and checked Arthur’s collar. Nothing was wrong with it, but she needed an excuse not to answer Sigrid’s question. Clea and Hayley walked on about twenty feet ahead of them. They were deep in conversation, and Merle longed to know what they were talking about. Just as she wanted to know what Hayley and Sigrid had discussed. Neither would tell her, probably, because it was none of her business.

  Sigrid stood still, arms folded, head tilted.

  “I don’t understand why you’re so stubborn about this. She’s perfectly lovely. Why won’t you go out with her?”

  Merle stood straight but focused on the dirt road under them. She couldn’t be dishonest about her feelings. Not to Sigrid. But they were probably just a reaction to her traumatic breakup with Kay. Rebound was a terrible state to be in to meet someone. She had no idea if she was even capable of love again. She might be, but she wasn’t sure when it would happen or even if it ever would again. And Hayley was too new, her emotions too raw. She was fragile even if she didn’t seem to be.

  “You know why. It wouldn’t work. We’re fine as roommates.”

  “I think you’ve shut down completely. That’s not like you. It’s not—”

  “Sigrid, I love you. I’ve always trusted your advice, but not this time. I would be doing Hayley a real disservice.”

  Sigrid shrugged and shook her head. “All right already. I won’t say anything else. I spent a lot of time biting my tongue around Kay so I should be good at it.”

  “Thanks. Now let’s catch up to them.” They took off at a good clip and pulled up alongside Clea and Hayley.

  Sigrid took Clea’s arm and led her off to one side and began whispering in her ear.

  “They’re a great couple.” Hayley looked at them with an air of wistful envy.

  “They are. They truly love and care for one another.”

  Hayley sighed. “That’s beautiful. And so is this place.” She gestured, encompassing their environment and the Point Reyes gestalt.

  Merle looked up and then around. “Yes, it is.” They walked a wide, smooth path through a canopy of trees. In the distance, they could see the sun shining near the horizon. “We’ll be at the beach in a few minutes.”

  “We can stay until sunset?”

  “Close to it.”

  “Arthur, sweetie? Are you having a good time?”

  At the sound of Hayley’s voice, Arthur’s big head came around and he moved toward her. Merle let go of his leash and he crowded in close to Hayley, who rubbed his ears and knelt to make eye contact with him.

  A tremendous sadness washed over Merle. Arthur had fallen in love with Hayley. If only her emotions could be as uncomplicated as his. She watched Hayley lavish attention on him and thought about being the object of Hayley’s affection. Hayley looked at her with a tender smile as she petted Arthur. Then she jumped up and cried, “Come on boy, let’s go!”

  She trotted down the path, and Arthur happily loped after her. The sun flashed in front of her, momentarily looking as though rays of sunlight were emanating from her head. She turned around but Merle was stuck in place, stunned by how beautiful Hayley looked at that moment.

  “Come on, Merle. Don’t be so lazy. Run with us.” She smiled brilliantly and waved, motioning Merle to follow them.

  Merle shook her head but picked up her pace, and the three of them caught up with Sigrid and Clea.

  Five minutes later, they reached the coastal path. The sun bounced off the surface of the Pacific, and where it hit, the ocean looked gold instead of blue. Only a few people were about. That was one of the many beauties of Point Reyes. It was far enough from civilization and big enough that it wasn’t crowded. Merle had come there at times when scarcely anyone else was nearby.

  She stood at the trail junction, staring out to the west, not thinking any more of anything but the beauty of a California beach and how wonderful to be able to experience it. She was aware, though, that Hayley stood beside her, looking in the same direction.

  She turned and so did Hayley as the exact same time. They stared at each other.

  “It’s really somethi
ng, isn’t it?” Hayley said, quietly.

  “Yep.” Merle didn’t trust herself to say more than that.

  “Come on, you two. We can’t stop now. We have a few more miles to go to complete the loop.” That was Sigrid in her control mode, as Merle thought of it.

  “Right,” Merle called. The moment was over.

  “Let’s go to the beach and let Arthur swim in the ocean,” Hayley said.

  “Fine. You know he’ll smell like rotten seaweed all the way home.”

  “So? It’s worth it.”

  As they walked on the beach, Sigrid and Clea held hands. Merle was content to watch Hayley play with Arthur. He chased the waves, and Hayley chased him and then made him chase her. They were like kids playing a game. Hayley really was like a teenager in a lot of ways, not just in her newly discovered sexuality. She seemed young and fresh—and very appealing. Merle saw Sigrid watching her with a knowing look and pretended to ignore it.

  *

  They were quiet on the ride home. Sigrid said little, as she had to concentrate on navigating the windy coastal highway in the dark. Hayley put her head against the window and daydreamed. She wondered about finding love, finding someone to spend the rest of her life with. She wanted what Sigrid and Clea had. The other side of it, though, was what Merle had experienced. How would she know? She couldn’t predict what might happen; she could only try to choose well. But she couldn’t conceive of how she was going to choose. She’d been on exactly one date, and here she was thinking about forever.

  Well, she was fifty-something and had a duty to think clearly about the future. She glanced at Merle. She was dozing with Arthur cuddled up next to her and looked peaceful. Hayley thought about the two of them living together and in love for the rest of their lives with Arthur and his successors in their house in Bernal Heights. Like Clea and Sigrid. It was a lovely dream, she realized, but it really was only a dream.

  She shook her head, trying to clear it of this inappropriate fantasy. She was grateful no one in the car could see her or hear her thoughts.

  *

  Hayley had been walking around Bernal Hill for almost an hour and hadn’t managed a conversation with a single woman. A guy with a little kid and a black Lab had engaged her in a friendly manner on the habits and temperament of the Labrador breed, to which she’d responded politely but briefly. Otherwise, she’d done nothing but walk and clean up after Arthur. At least she hadn’t run into Miley or Terry.

  She’d made the circuit and climbed to the summit and was on her way back down the hill toward home. It was about three in the afternoon and the wind wasn’t too bad. Hayley clutched Arthur’s leash, and he automatically sat down beside her. He certainly wasn’t interested in sightseeing, but he didn’t mind if she was. He was a good conserver of his energy and took the opportunity to rest.

  At one of the benches, she stopped to admire the view. She didn’t even have to pretend to enjoy it because it really was spectacular.

  Hayley shaded her eyes against the western sun on her left. She could see the Bay Bridge arching over to Treasure Island, most likely crowded with bumper-to-bumper traffic. The Bay was placid. The Transamerica Pyramid’s white spire pierced the sky. She heard a voice behind her.

  “Nice-looking dog.”

  Startled, she spun around. She took a closer look at the speaker, and it slowly dawned on her that finally, she’d gotten the attention of someone whose attention she wanted.

  “Oh, thanks.” She turned on her flirt grin and got a mirroring response.

  Before her stood a woman with a chocolate cocker spaniel. That was the first detail she could absorb. The dogs began to sniff one another, and both Hayley and the cocker’s owner looked at them for a moment.

  “What’s your dog’s name?”

  “Arthur. How about yours?”

  “Tulip.” The woman’s grin turned self-deprecating. It was attractive. She was attractive. She had short, curly brown hair and dark-brown eyes. She was a little taller than Hayley and slim.

  Her clothes, her shoes, her fanny pack, her whole persona screamed lesbian to Hayley. She could just be friendly, though, and not trying to pick her up. But somehow, Hayley didn’t think so. She didn’t know why she knew; she just did.

  Her adrenaline started to pump. She upped the wattage on her grin and asked,

  “Tulip, eh? Why is that?”

  “My favorite flower. I could ask you the same question. Why ‘Arthur’? It seems rather formal.”

  “Oh, my friend’s a sci-fi fan. It was her favorite writer.”

  “So he’s not your dog?” The curly haired woman tilted her head.

  Hayley was embarrassed, as though she’d been caught in a ruse.

  “Uh, no. I’m walking him for my roommate.”

  The woman nodded, seeming intrigued. “I see. So are you walking down or up?”

  “Oh. I was going to head back home on this path.” She indicated the path down the hill to Stoneman Street and back home. “But I could walk some more. What’s your name? I’m Hayley.”

  “I’m Sherrie. I’m going up the hill. If you want to go, that is?”

  “Sure, why not.”

  They set off back up Bernal Heights Boulevard and started to chat. Sherrie clowned around and played with Arthur. She was funny and irresistibly silly. She bounced up and down, waving her arms, and got both dogs so excited they started to bark. She made faces at them and at Hayley, who couldn’t help laughing.

  Sherrie resided on the east side of Bernal Hill on Powhattan Street and worked at a South of Market start-up company. They strolled all around the summit, and then Sherrie said, “Well, I’ve got to go this way. If you want to take another walk sometime, give me a call.” She gave Hayley a card, which Hayley accepted, and they said cheerful good-byes and split up.

  Hayley practically flew back down the hill. Finally, she’d gotten the connection she wanted, the one Merle had predicted. She couldn’t wait to tell her and was disappointed she wasn’t at home.

  Hayley gave Arthur some fresh water and a cookie, then went upstairs and lay down on her bed to think. Arthur followed her and flopped on the circular rug in her room. It charmed and gratified her that he was so companionable. He clearly adored Merle but had, it seemed, grown to think of her in almost the same way. Merle had told her he was friendly with everyone, unlike some breeds of dogs who were only keyed to one person, their owner.

  “Arthur’s your basic attention whore,” Merle had said, and that had made Hayley laugh, but it was lovely to have him hang around.

  She lay down with her arm over her eyes, and Arthur licked her hand as it dangled over the side. She replayed her conversation and walk with Sherrie, thinking about her warm brown eyes and crooked grin. She shivered. She was getting the right signals and finally sending the right ones out. She’d wait a couple days so she didn’t seem too eager, then call and ask her out. Sherrie’s company wasn’t that far from Hayley’s law offices in the Financial District, so lunch seemed like a good possibility.

  She was startled out of her reverie when Arthur leaped up and ran out of the room. He raced downstairs, his nails chattering on the wood steps. Hayley heard the door close and knew Merle had come home.

  She walked down the stairs and saw Merle in the entryway with a very excited Arthur. “Hey.”

  Merle looked up from greeting Arthur and said, “Hi there. How was the walk?”

  “Oh, great. Arthur was a good boy.”

  “Were you a good boy?” Merle asked him, and he wagged his tail wildly.

  “He was a very good boy. Today, he got a nice girl to stop and talk to us.” Hayley’s grin was triumphant.

  “You don’t say?” Merle smiled back.

  “Absolutely. I’ll take him out any time!”

  “Of course. And what happened with this girl?”

  “I’ve got her phone number. She invited me to take a dog walk with her.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Sherrie. Sims, I think. I h
ave to look on the card.”

  “Outstanding. So you’re going to call her?” Arthur had rolled over on his back so Merle could rub his belly.

  “Yes. I am. She lives over on Powhattan. We met just up at the intersection of our path and Bernal.”

  “Really? She was on this side of Bernal?”

  “Oh, yeah. Why do you ask?”

  “It’s a hike back around to the other side. Which direction did she come from?”

  “I don’t know. I was looking at the view, and she said Arthur was a nice dog. She was behind me.”

  “Oh, okay. Well, sounds good. Hey, I think I might be ready to buy the TV you talked about.”

  “Hallelujah. She’s seen the light.” Hayley rolled her eyes heavenward but beamed at Merle. After a couple of months, Hayley had again broached the subject of maybe, just maybe, they could have a TV. Though Merle wasn’t a TV watcher, Hayley had prevailed on her to upgrade to something at least a little bigger and a little better than the old nineteen-inch screen she’d had for years because she watched it so rarely.

  “I’ll pay for cable,” Hayley said. “So what do you think?”

  “I’ll consider it. You talk so much about movies, you may have changed my mind.”

  “I hope so.” Hayley had even offered to buy the TV, but Merle refused.

  “So what’s for dinner?”

  “I think we have the right stuff for vegetarian marinara and pasta.” It was Hayley’s turn to cook. They had a system worked out and a grocery budget.

  “Can I help you with anything?”

  “Nope. Shoo. You can clean up. Though I may let Arthur sit in the kitchen with me.”

  “Please don’t. He’ll just get confused.”

  “Oh, all right. Arthur, you can watch from your spot by the door.”

  Chapter Eight

  Merle went upstairs and sat down at her computer, intending to check the news and read emails until dinner was ready. Instead she wondered about the woman Hayley had met. For someone to be all the way over on the opposite side of Bernal Hill from her house wasn’t unheard of, but it was unusual. Who was she, what was her story, and what were her intentions for Hayley?