“Why were you texting him? Last time we spoke you still hated his guts.”
“Oh please, we both know I never hated him. I hated him so little that even after two years I’m still licking my wounds.”
“Wait.” My heart feels like a bass drum in my chest. “Are you saying you still have feelings for Alec?”
Why would she have not mentioned this before now? Was I ignoring all the signs because I didn’t want to see them?
“Duh.” She sighs. “As if you didn’t know that. He was my first love. Feelings like that don’t just go away because he up and decided one day that he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
My mouth goes dry and I swear the room does a full three-sixty spin around me.
What have I done?
“Lu, I gotta go,” I croak out, panic rising in my voice.
What have I done?
“What? We just started talking. You haven’t told me anything about what Alec said. Did he ask about me? Is he seeing anyone? Tell me everything.”
What have I done?
“I’m going to be late for class. We’ll talk later.” With that, I hang up the phone without another word.
What have I done?
My breathing comes in short, quick spurts as the magnitude of my decision to sleep with Alec settles over me.
It doesn’t matter if I thought he and Lu were old news. It doesn’t matter that I had no clue she still harbored feelings for him. All that matters is that she is my best friend and I did something unforgivable.
It all makes sense now. How curt she was toward him those last few weeks of high school. How she tried so hard to pretend like she didn’t care. Why she submerged herself so deeply in the party life at college. Because she’s not over him.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
Knowing it now won’t make a bit of difference but needing to act. I pull up Alec’s name in my messages, my fingers flying across the screen as I type.
I don’t have time to think before I send. If I give myself even a moment to consider the repercussions, I know I won’t go through with it. But I have to. For Lulu. For me. For Alec.
Before I even realize that I’ve done it, I’m looking down at the text I can’t unsend, even if I wanted to.
Me: What happened last night was a mistake. We can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I think it’s best if we don’t talk anymore. It’s just too hard. Goodbye Alec.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes as I stare down at the message.
Knowing that when he responds, because he will, that I may not have the strength to follow through, I do something I never thought I would do. I pull up Alec’s number, block it, and then delete him from my contacts.
It’s rash, but it’s the only thing I can think to do. It was bad enough knowing that he and Lulu had been together. But now, knowing she still has feelings for him, there’s no other choice. I can’t see Alec. I can’t talk to him. I can’t hear him laugh and not want to be with him with every fiber of my being.
If I’ve proven anything, it’s that all logic flies out the window whenever Alec is involved. I can’t trust myself. So I have to remove him from my life completely.
There’s no other way.
And even though it breaks my heart into so many tiny pieces that I’m convinced I’ll never be able to put it back together; I know it’s the right thing to do.
Lulu is my best friend. Best friends don’t do to each other what I did last night. Best friends don’t lie to each other and they don’t keep secrets. Yet here I am, keeping the motherload of all secrets because I know the minute she finds out she will never forgive me.
I’m not sure what’s worse. That I did what I did or that I was too chicken shit to own up to it when I had her on the phone.
I’m going to tell her. I have to. And even though Alec is the only thing I’ve ever wanted, I can’t be with him if it hurts my best friend. That’s not who I am.
I wish I were more selfish. I wish I was one of those people that took what I wanted with little regard for others, but I’m not. I’ll never be able to live with myself if I don’t end this.
I just hope I’m doing the right thing. Because in this moment, I’m not sure of anything anymore.
Chapter Eighteen
One Year Later
“You’re sure she’s going to be there?” I ask Henry for probably the hundredth time in the last twenty-four hours.
“Dude, this is my sister we’re talking about. She’ll be there.” He shakes his head at me. “She’s not going to miss her friend’s wedding.”
It’s been a year since I’ve spoken to Hope. A fucking year. And while the last twelve months has flown by, it still feels like an eternity since I saw her face or heard her laugh. God how I miss her. So much so that I’ve become friends with her brother and make frequent visits to see her mom simply because it makes me feel closer to her.
I don’t know why I still care so much. I don’t know why after the way she blew me off and cut off all ties with me that I can’t shake her from my system.
It was hard enough before that night in New York. After? Well, now it feels impossible. Being with Hope was like being woken up after years of sleep. It’s like this fog lifted and suddenly I knew exactly where I belonged. I’ve never seen anything more clearly than I did that night.
And then, just like that, the rug was ripped out from underneath me. And while I’ve done my best to move on, deep down I know I’m still stuck in the past. Still staring down at my phone while I read what was meant to be the end of me and Hope.
I didn’t accept it then and I don’t accept it now. I can’t.
“Did you get your suit for the wedding?” Henry pulls me from my thoughts.
“You’re wearing a suit?” I give him a questioning look.
“It is a wedding,” he reminds me.
“Yes, a wedding we are not in. Why would you need to wear a suit?”
“Because this is Bella. I don’t know if you remember much about her from high school, but she’s kind of a princess. This wedding is likely going to be one fancy affair, and I’m not going to be the schmuck that shows up underdressed.”
“Is that your way of telling me I should go shopping?” I grunt.
“Pretty sure I already told you that you needed to. Unless you just so happen to have some fancy suit laying around your house.”
“That would be a no.”
“Then perhaps you should stop dragging your feet and get your ass to the store. The wedding is tomorrow. Besides,” he pauses, “if you want to impress my sister, you may want to pull out all the stops.”
“Impress her?” I question.
Is that what I’m trying to do?
I don’t have to think about it long to know that is exactly what I want to do. I want her to see me and immediately regret the way she ended things. I want her to know that she made a monumental mistake that day—something I’ve known all along.
I have no idea what changed. How we went from making love to not speaking for a year, but I sure as hell intend to find out.
“Maybe I should get a suit,” I finally continue.
“Yeah.” Henry chuckles. “As in today.”
“Fuck. I hate shopping.” I rack my brain, trying to think if I own anything that I might be able to make work.
I was originally planning on wearing a nice pair of jeans and a button down, but now I’m thinking I should take Henry’s advice and get a suit. Besides, if it wasn’t for him I’m not even sure that I would have been invited. I lost touch with most of Lucy’s friends after we broke up. Bella among them. But Henry was somehow able to convince her to invite me.
It may be a pity invite, but it’s an invite all the same. And it will put me in the same room with Hope, which is the only reason I wanted to go to begin with.
“Okay, well I guess I should get going then.” I blow out a breath. “You’ll text me when your sister gets in.”
“I will. Though fr
om what my mom said, her flight doesn’t land until late.”
“I don’t care how late it is,” I cut him off.
“Just don’t do anything stupid.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I know you really want to see her, but you can’t force it. Just let it happen naturally. Show up at the wedding and act surprised to see her. She doesn’t need to know that we garnered you an invitation for the sole purpose of seeing her. And I sure as shit don’t want her to know that I had anything to do with making it happen.”
“I won’t say a word.”
“You won’t. Let’s just hope Bella doesn’t spill the beans.”
“She’ll have so much going on I doubt it will even cross her mind.”
“Let’s hope so.”
“Alright, man. Well, wish me luck.” I reach into my pocket and pull out my car keys.
“Good luck,” he calls after me as I head toward the door, stepping out into the warm afternoon heat moments later.
——
My knee bounces up and down as I sit along the edge of the aisle, my adrenaline pumping like I’m about to jump out of a plane and unsure if my parachute will open.
The wedding will be starting any moment and there has yet to be any sign of Hope. Then again, Henry and Wendy aren’t here yet either, so I’m not freaking out just yet. I’m sure the three of them will likely be coming together.
The groom’s aunt sits to my right. She keeps leaning in to talk to me like we’re old friends, and while I do my best to put on an easy smile and act like I actually care, I wish she’d leave me alone.
I have never met her nephew. Hell, other than going to school with Bella, I don’t really know the bride that well. I’m here for Hope. It’s the only reason I’m even subjecting myself to any of this.
I’m not a big fan of weddings, never have been. Though the thought of getting married myself one day does hold some appeal. Hope’s face immediately flashes through my mind.
I look to my left and catch sight of Lucy sitting two rows ahead of me on the opposite side of the aisle, her mom next to her. Her eyes lock with mine, but she quickly looks away. She seems to be trying to play it off like she’s watching for the wedding party.
I haven’t spoken to her in years. It feels weird seeing her now. She looks about the same. A little older, more mature maybe, but still the same Lucy.
I don’t know at what point my feelings for her changed. There was a time when Lucy was one of the most important people in my life. Now, just the feeling of her eyes on me makes my skin crawl.
Maybe it’s because of how she reacted when I ended things. Or maybe it’s because I know that being with her is what stopped me from being with Hope, even though I didn’t know it at the time. Whatever the reason, the attraction I once harbored for Lucy is long gone.
She’s still as beautiful as ever but my heart isn’t with her. I’m not sure it ever was.
My gaze swings toward the back of the church when the doors open. My heart leaps in my chest at the sight of Hope’s mom, Wendy. Henry follows in behind her. I strain my neck to try to see past them, but one of the ushers is blocking my view.
I swear I forget how to breathe when I catch a glimpse of dark brown hair, curled loosely down her back.
Hope...
She lingers in the doorway talking to the usher. I can’t see her face but I know it’s her. My entire body reacts to her presence.
It’s like time slows down as she steps around him. She looks even more beautiful than I remember. Her hair has grown out quite a bit, but other than that, it seems as though very little has changed in the last year. I have to remind myself that while it feels like a very long time, a year really is no time at all.
I drink her in. The pale blue, thin strapped dress that fits her body like it was made for her, exposing her toned legs. Her silver strappy sandals that show off her painted toenails. The dainty silver chain that hangs around her neck. The freckles that pepper the tops of her shoulders. I remember kissing every single one of them as I held her in my arms.
And then she looks up and our gazes lock. The smile on her lips instantly slips and is replaced with what I can only describe as shock. Seconds tick by as blood rushes to her cheeks, filling her face with a pink hue.
I ignore the pang of uncertainty I feel and keep my eyes focused on her. Unfortunately, she looks away all too quickly, following her mom and Henry who stop a few feet from me and slide into the row with Lucy and her mom.
When she takes a seat next to her best friend, she makes no attempt to look back at me. But I can tell by the rigid set of her shoulders that she’s aware of my eyes on her. And that’s where they stay throughout the entire ceremony. While everyone else is busy watching the bride and groom, I can’t tear my gaze away from the one person I’ve spent the last year obsessing over.
It feels so strange to have her sitting a few feet from me and still feel like we’re hundreds of miles apart.
A year ago she would have headed straight toward me the moment she entered the church. She would have thrown her arms around my neck and told me how much she missed me. She would have sat next to me, probably whispering about how over the top Bella went with everything and we’d have a good laugh.
I wish it could be like that again. I wish I knew what I did wrong. I wish I knew why things changed. It was hard enough texting her over and over again without a response, calling her to learn she had blocked my number. Knowing there was no way I could talk to her to find out what happened. But this, sitting so close to her and having her blatantly ignore me? It’s a torture worse than death. Or at least that’s how it feels at the moment.
When the minister announces the new husband and wife, I glance to the front of the church and join in on the array of applause that sounds through the room, standing as Bella and her husband head back up the aisle.
I turn back to see Hope’s eyes on me, but much like the first time our gazes had locked, the instant she realizes my attention is on her, she quickly looks away.
I hang back as the crowd begins to filter out of the church, hoping to pull Hope aside before she heads to the reception. Unfortunately, before I have a chance to grab her, Lucy intercepts me.
“Hey.” She smiles up at me, her lips painted a deep, cherry red. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
“Yeah, well.” I shrug, not really sure how to explain why I’m here.
“It’s good to see you.” She bats her long lashes.
“Yeah, you too.” I shuffle my feet, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
I haven’t spoken more than a few words to Lucy since I ended our relationship before graduation. She texted me a couple of times but I ignored them. Truthfully, I’m not really sure why I didn’t text her back.
“Are you going to the reception?”
“I am.” I nod, my gaze following Hope as she makes her way out of the church. I don’t look back at Lucy until Hope disappears from view. When I do, I see that Lucy’s watching me with a curious look on her face.
“Would you mind giving me a ride?” Her question strikes me as a bit odd considering everything that’s happened.
“Um, I guess?”
“I came with my mom, but she isn’t going to the reception.”
“Okay,” I draw out.
“I was going to ask Hope, but I guess Wendy isn’t going to the reception either, so she has to run her home first. She’ll probably end up getting there late, and I don’t want to miss the arrival of the bride and groom. That’s my favorite part.”
“Gotcha.” I nod.
“Besides, it will give us a chance to catch up.” She smiles, looping her arm through mine before tugging me into the aisle.
I want to resist. I want to pull away and tell her that maybe her riding with me isn’t a good idea, but not wanting to cause waves, I decide to go with it. It’s one car ride... How bad could it be?
When we exit the church, everyone is lined up by
the front doors, shaking the groom’s hand and gushing over the bride before making their way outside. I spot Hope at the exact moment she spots me.
Her eyes dip to where Lucy’s arm is tucked in mine before her gaze comes back up to my face. A mixture of hurt and confusion tugs at her pretty features, even though she does her best to hide it.
I want to go to her, tell her it’s not what she thinks, but before I have a chance, she spins on her heel and quickly exits through the double glass doors into the parking lot.
“I’ll meet you outside,” I tell Lucy, unlatching her arm from mine before heading after Hope.
I scour the parking lot for her but can’t find her anywhere. It’s like she vanished into thin air.
“Hey, man.” A hand closes on my shoulder as Henry appears on my right.
“Hey,” I rush out. “Have you seen your sister?”
“She probably already left to take Mom home.” He shrugs.
“I just saw her a minute ago.” I do another sweep of the crowded parking lot, not sure I could pick out Wendy’s black car from the various others even if I knew it that well, which I don’t.
“Do you see your mom’s car anywhere?” I ask, turning toward Henry.
“Alec. Relax, man. I know you’re eager to talk to her but chasing after her and my mom isn’t the way to go about it. What was it that we discussed? Letting it happen naturally.”
“When did you become such an expert on women?” I arch a brow at him.
“I’m not.” He chuckles. “But I know my sister.”
“Right.” I blow out a heavy breath, groaning audibly when I catch sight of Lucy exiting the church.
Henry follows my gaze as Lucy makes her way toward us.
“Um, do I even want to know?” he murmurs.
“Apparently, I’m her ride to the reception.”
“Yeah, because that doesn’t complicate things more.” He snorts, falling silent when Lucy stops directly in front of us. Henry only knows the basics when it comes to the triangle that is me, Hope, and Lucy. Details didn’t feel appropriate considering he’s Hope’s brother but he knows enough to get why this isn’t the greatest idea.
“Hey Henry.” She reaches out and ruffles his hair. “I still can’t get over how grown up you are.”
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