A Love Worth Saving

by Amanda Canham

  I’d have more fun with you.

  She didn’t say the words. She shouldn’t even have thought them.

  But they were the truth.

  She had to say no. She had to stick with her dignity. That was the plan.

  ‘I…’ but even as she opened her mouth, she knew she wouldn’t say it. In the constant war between her heart and her mind, her heart won out every time.

  ‘I’ll see you soon.’

  Chapter Four

  ‘Help! Help!’

  The naked fear in Ana’s voice sliced into Brad like a flaming sword through snow, piercing straight to his heart. He raced through the darkness, desperately trying to find her.

  ‘Help! Help me-eee!’ her blood-curdling scream ripped through him again, and he ran harder, faster.

  Searching, always searching.

  He needed to find her. Last time, he’d been too late.

  It had to be different this time. It had to.

  Up ahead a pinprick of light slipped out from beneath a doorway. As he ran closer it grew larger and larger, illuminating the darkened room.

  ‘Help!’ her scream was coming from the door; from somewhere in the light.

  He was closer now, he was going to get there in time, he was going to save her.

  ‘Help!’ the cry came again as he gripped the door handle, twisted and pushed.

  Bright light flooded through the room, hurting his eyes. He squinted, willing his sight to adjust as he scanned the room. And there, in the corner, he saw her. She was facing away from him, but at the sound of the door swinging open, her head twisted towards him.

  ‘Brad,’ she gasped, her eyes yearning towards him across the cavernous space between them.

  He flew across the room, adrenaline pushing each stride longer, wider, bringing him that much closer to pulling her living, breathing body into his arms.

  But then her eyes widened, her pupils dilating. Shock and pain shimmered down her face. Her head flicked back over her shoulder to look down at her torso.

  ‘No! Ana!’ he screamed closing the distance between them in an instant. He pulled her towards him, spun her around and pulled her tight against him, hoping against all hope he’d reached her in time.

  But something was stopping him from pulling her any closer; something hard and cold and metallic. He glanced down at the space yawning between them.

  Jutting out from the centre of her chest was the large metal handle of a carving knife.

  Blood seeped out from around the wound, oozing into the pale pink t-shirt she was wearing, turning the fabric a dark, dull red. Her breathing grew shallow and raspy; the colour slowly slipped away from her face and he knew he was too late.

  ***

  ‘Nooo!’

  As the silent cry tore from his lungs Brad’s eyes flew open and he found himself surrounded by darkness again.

  Heart pounding, his eyes scanned the room searching for a clue. Had it been real? Had it happened? Had he been too late?

  A cold sweat broke across his skin; his breath came in fast, ragged gasps as he tried to search the room. But his search was impeded; he couldn’t sit up or twist around because his arm was weighed down.

  Something warm and soft was pinning him to the bed.

  He glanced down towards the weight.

  Ana.

  He watched her chest rise and fall in the slow-paced rhythm of sleep. Her round, perfect breasts undulating in time with each breath. Between her breasts, in that cavity of skin and bone that protected her heart, there was nothing. No knife. No blood.

  He slumped down on the bed, his insides giddy as relief swept through him.

  She was alive. She was safe. She had never been in harm’s way…not tonight, at least.

  Once his heart rate returned to normal, he slipped his arm out from beneath her, propped himself up on an elbow and gazed down at her.

  Her short, black hair lay messed up around her head, chunks of it falling across her almost-pale skin. With her eyes closed, her long lashes fanned across the top of her cheeks, accentuating the arched line of her face; her nose, so straight until it ended in an upturned button; her lips wide and plump, and so distinct. They were slightly parted now, as her breath whistled between them.

  Fuck! She was so, so beautiful she made his insides ache.

  Unable to resist, he lifted a finger and traced the line of her cheekbone, brushing her hair back from her face to give him an unobstructed view.

  It had been worth it, all of it—the nightmares, the memories, and the guilt. He’d do it all again, if it meant she would live through another day.

  But knowing he’d do it again didn’t stop those memories or the guilt. Unlike the dreams that plagued him, the one time it had counted, he had gotten there in time. He’d saved her.

  He’d done more than save her, though.

  He stared at the hand lying so close to Ana’s cheek, at the wide band of silver encircling his index finger. With a little shuffle of his thumb, he pushed the ring up and exposed the name tattooed beneath.

  Even now, eighteen years later, his hands were still covered in the man’s blood. He could almost see the bright red liquid coating his finger, where it rested against Ana’s cheek.

  At the realisation he snatched it back. He couldn’t get the blood on her. He couldn’t stain her with it too. She was too precious to ruin, the way he was ruined.

  Sliding out of bed, he slipped into the ensuite. Turning on the hot water as far as it would go, he started scrubbing his hands. He needed to get the blood off. Coating them with soap, he scrubbed and scrubbed. Ignoring the burning water, he scrubbed again and again but it made no difference. He couldn’t get the blood off, no matter how hard he tried.

  Sinking down onto the cold bathroom tiles, he stared at his fingers, so red raw from the scrubbing they were almost bleeding. It was no use trying to clean them. He would always have that man’s blood on his hands.

  ***

  Ana rolled over and stretched beneath the sheets. Pressure was building in her bladder and she knew she was going to have to get up and pee soon. Just…not…yet.

  Snuggling into Brad’s soft mattress, memories from the night before flooded through her. The feel of his hands on her skin as they stripped away her clothes, as they caressed her breasts…mmm. And the feather soft touch of his lips as they brushed along her body had been divine. Just the memory of it was enough to send shivers running through her body.

  With her eyes still closed, Ana reached across the bed, searching for flesh, hoping for a repeat performance. All she found were cold sheets and an empty mattress.

  Dammit it! He’d run away again.

  From his own apartment. From his very own bed. He’d run because she was in it.

  Springing her eyes open, Ana looked at his side of the mattress. There wasn’t even an indent left. How long had he been gone?

  Slumping back into the bed, Ana rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She’d thought it would be different this time. She’d hoped…Oh, who was she kidding? Deep inside she’d known it wouldn’t be different, but she’d done it anyway. Like she did every time.

  She only had herself to blame. Brad never made any promises. Never told her he loved her. But when he looked at her—oh, how he looked at her. How could he not love her? How could he run away from her when he seemed to want her so much?

  Getting out of bed, she quickly found her clothes and dressed in the early morning light. Moving out of the bedroom, she spotted her handbag on the floor by the front door. Exactly where she’d dropped it when she’d stepped inside and Brad had wrapped her in his arms and started kissing her senseless.

  Fiercely pushing the memory aside, Ana shuffled through her bag looking for her phone so she could call a cab. As her fingers alighted on the smooth leather case enclosing her smart phone, a small piece of note paper fluttered up and out of her bag, drifting like a feather until it landed on a large black shoe next to the door.

  Grabbing hold of i
t, Ana twisted it over to see Brad’s strong cursive scrawled across it.

  Please take the job. B.

  She stared at the words, her finger tracing over them as though she was tracing over Brad himself. This was the very first time he’d asked her for anything.

  How could she say no?

  But how could she say yes? How could she agree to seeing him during the day, and losing him at night? She couldn’t.

  Ana grabbed a pen from her bag and scrawled out her answer. Swinging her bag onto her shoulder she stalked back into his bedroom and placed the note atop his pillow.

  Before she could change her mind, she turned around and raced out the door. But she needn’t have rushed. Because this time, she didn’t look back.

  Chapter Five

  ‘Hey Brad, I didn’t know you were still here.’

  Brad jumped at the sound, his head swivelling towards the open doorway. Will Baker, the newest doctor to join their practice was hovering just outside his office. Will was taller than Brad, and thin, with dark ginger hair and fair skin. He had a wicked sense of humour and a keen party-now attitude, a hang-over from Uni he’d yet to grow out of. Despite that, he was proving to be a dedicated doctor.

  ‘Yeah, I’m here,’ Brad answered.

  ‘That’s great, because I had a patient this evening that I wanted to run by you. It’ll only take a couple of minutes. Do you have time?’

  ‘Of course,’ Brad assured him, waving the other man in, relieved to turn away from the online journal article he’d been reading. Well, attempting to read, at least, but his mind kept wandering down the corridor to Ana.

  It was her first day at the practice today, the first day of the new portable service.

  Will dropped into the patient seat across the desk from Brad. ‘Okay, so I have a thirty-three-year-old female complaining of insomnia. She says she’s only getting a max of three hours’ sleep a night, and—’

  ‘For how long?’

  ‘Intermittently over the last few years, but the most recent bout has lasted six weeks.’

  ‘Any history of mental illness?’

  ‘No. And no family history of it either.’

  ‘Have you checked thyroid function?’

  ‘That’s what I’m doing now. She wanted sleeping tablets, just to get her back into the routine of sleep, but I was hesitant given she’s so young. I’d rather find the cause and treat that, than use the quick fix.’

  ‘You’ve made the right move.’

  ‘Thanks. I was wondering if it might be worth organising one of your sleep studies. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have sleep apnoea—she’s got no symptoms and a normal BMI—I just need to be sure. Do you think there’s much point?’

  ‘If the thyroid test comes back normal, you should book her in for a sleep study. The portable device we’re using monitors EEG as well as breathing, so we’ll be able to review her sleep architecture and whether she really is only getting a few hours’ sleep. If the test comes back showing no cause but minimal sleep it would be worth referring her to a psychologist that specialises in treatment for Insomnia and Circadian Rhythm Disorders.’

  ‘Great, thanks. Sounds like a plan.’

  ‘No worries.’

  ‘I’m glad you were still here.’

  There was a pregnant pause, as though the sentence wasn’t quite finished.

  ‘Why do I sense a “but” coming?’

  ‘Well, it’s just…’

  Again the man hesitated. Brad threw him a no-nonsense look.

  ‘Out with it.’

  ‘Well, I was just wondering why you were still here. Wasn’t your last patient two hours ago?’

  Damn. The boy was quick. Well, that’s why they’d hired him.

  ‘An hour and a half,’ Brad corrected, as though those thirty minutes made all the difference. Clearly they didn’t to Will, whose expression didn’t waver at his response.

  ‘Thought I’d catch up on some reading before heading home,’ Brad tried again, indicating the online medical journal he had open on the screen.

  ‘Really?’ The other man’s tone suggested he didn’t quite buy it. ‘So what are you reading?’ Will continued, leaning forward to try and grab a look at the article on the screen.

  ‘Ah…’ Brad’s mind hit a blank. Well, it was hardly surprising. He’d barely been paying attention to the article, the entirety of his senses focussed on detecting any hint of Ana leaving the room down the corridor. Discreetly he flicked his eyes back to the screen to refresh his mind.

  ‘The latest theory on the relationship between LER and GER,’ Will read out before Brad had a chance to focus on the words. ‘Sounds riveting. How about you close that off and come join me for a drink?’

  ‘Tempting, but I think I’ll pass.’

  He didn’t want to leave Ana alone in the building, with just the patient for company. He knew she often worked alone all night at St Mary’s Hospital, but that was different. That was inside a hospital, with security guards regularly patrolling, and staff and patients on all levels of the building. Here, there would just be Ana and the patient if he left with Will, and after the patient left it would just be Ana.

  He couldn’t leave.

  ‘Really? I didn’t realise gastroesophageal reflux was your new passion, but hey, if that’s—’

  A loud crashing noise from the treatment room severed Will’s words, followed by the sound of Ana’s voice. ‘Sorry, I’m still finding my way around this place.’

  ‘No worries, love. No harm done.’

  Ana and her patient’s voices filtered through Brad’s quiet office, reverberating around the two men. A wide, knowing grin spread across Will’s face.

  ‘That explains the sudden interest in GER.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ but Brad had a sinking feeling he’d been sprung.

  ‘I’m talking about the real reason you’re hanging around the office an hour after everyone else has packed up and gone home.’

  ‘You’re still here.’

  ‘Yeah, but I was on the late shift. Your last patient was two hours ago.’

  ‘An hour and a half,’ Brad corrected again, but Will brushed a hand in the air to push away the excuse.

  ‘I’m just—’, Brad tried a different tact but Will quickly interrupted.

  ‘Hanging around to see the pretty little nurse who started today.’

  ‘Who? Ana? You’re kidding, right?’

  Did he put the right note of incredulousness into his voice? Clearly not, if Will’s widening grin was anything to go by.

  ‘Fine. I am hanging around, but not for that reason. I want to see how the afternoon went. This project is my baby.’

  That sounded better. Believable. And it was the truth.

  Just not the whole truth.

  ‘Ah-huh. So you’re not interested in the nurse at all?’

  ‘Not at all.’

  ‘Cool. You won’t have a problem if I make a move, then?’

  Brad’s chest constricted at the words, and the futility of his position. He wasn’t in a relationship with Ana. He had no rights. But at this very instant he wanted to drag Will out the door and kick him half way round the world to keep him away from her.

  Will’s chuckle pulled him from the mental image and his eyes focussed on the grinning doctor. ‘Thought so,’ he said with a wink, before leaving the room, tapping a farewell on the door frame on his way through. ‘Catch ‘ya tomorrow.’

  Brad let out a shuddering sigh, slowly unclenching his tight fists. Turning back to the screen, he stared unseeingly at the words. He needed to learn to control himself if this setup was to have any chance of succeeding. He just didn’t know how to do that.

  It was almost two weeks since he’d come home to find her answer on his pillow. Pulling the note from his pocket again, he unfolded the well-worn creases and stared at her answer.

  Only if this never happens again.

  Brad’s hand squeezed around the paper, like the words contained on it
had constricted around his heart. He’d had no choice. He had to put the needs of his patients above his own needs. It’s why he had become a doctor. To save lives, to somehow make repatriation for the life he’d taken.

  Ana knew him well enough to know that. When she’d written the note, she had to know she’d given him no choice. And if that was so, if she’d known exactly what his answer would be…well, that meant she didn’t want him anymore. She didn’t want to dance that dance with him.

  The squeak of the treatment room door swinging open echoed down the length of the corridor, startling him. Hastily, he shoved the note back into his pocket, switching his focus back to the journal article open on his computer screen.

  ‘Now remember, if you run into any problems tonight you can call me on this number here.’

  Ana’s voice filled the empty hallway as she continued giving the patient his final instructions.

  ‘And I come back like this in the morning?’

  ‘I’ll be here from nine, so I can remove the leads then if you like. However, if you feel confident or you need to be at work before nine, you can take the leads off yourself in the morning and return the equipment. There should be someone here from seven-thirty.’

  ‘Great. I’ll see how I go.’

  ‘Have a good night.’

  Ana’s words were followed by the sound of the front door closing, the lock bolting into place, and a single set of footsteps echoing down the hallway. Realising what this meant, Brad closed the article he was reading.

  The urge to see her was overwhelming and there was no way he could fight against it. It was only right to let her know he was still here, he justified to himself as he shut down the computer. And he needed to know how the afternoon had gone.

  When he reached the doorway to the treatment room he didn’t say anything. Not straight away. Instead, his eyes clung to the rounded curves of her backside as she swayed to the faint strains of an Olly Murs song playing on the radio. Her black pants fit snugly and the movement of her hips had him hypnotised within seconds.

  Man, she was so hot!

  It got him every time, sparks of desire shooting through his veins. He tried to drag his eyes away, but he couldn’t. It wouldn’t matter if she were wearing a sack, she’d still set his pulse racing.