My So-Called Death

by Stacey Jay

  I grinned, satisfied by the reminder that I was still the most specialest. "You're just kissing up because you want me to let you smuggle a television into our room."

  Trish was moving in with me as soon as I went back to DEAD on Monday. Clarice had been suspended for thirty days for working minor black magic against another student and would be in a room all by her lonesome when she returned.

  She wouldn't have been returning at all, however, if she and Darby hadn't convinced Principal Samedi they were trying to save Trish by using her necklace to track down the person who had stolen her brain, not looking for ingredients to use in their own forbidden magic. The fact that the spell they'd worked had led them through the snake door and into the catacombs where Cork--aka Amisi Samedi--had been lurking, spying on her sister's new coven, worked in their favor.

  But I still wasn't buying. Clarice was evil. Not even her sob story about it being a cheerleader driving a pink convertible who had caused the wreck that killed her parents could soften my heart. I still thought she should be strung up by her toes in the lunchroom and pelted with goat eyeballs. It was the least of the punishments I could

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  imagine for making the entire school hate me--except for Trish and Gavin, of course. (Trish because she was in the room when Clarice was casting and was therefore immune to the hex, and Gavin because of his gris-gris bag.)

  Ugh. Gavin. I couldn't even think about him without getting all sick to my stomach and kind of dizzy with despair.

  "Karen, are you listening? We need TV. I really don't think it's fair to--"

  "We can watch it in the common room like everyone else," I said, pulling my thoughts away from the gorgeous yet gross Gavin and tugging Keith away from Trish's knee before he gave himself brain damage. One zombie per family was plenty, thank you very much. He whined for a few minutes, but I distracted him with his blocks. "At this point, I'm not risking any illegal contraband. We need to be perfect little angels for the rest of the semester."

  "Yeah, you're probably right." Trish grabbed Kyle as he ran by and pulled him into her lap. She really had a baby problem. I was going to have to get her out of the playroom soon or she might decide to leave school and volunteer to become Mom's nanny or something. "And no TV means I'll get to play more classic rock, the better to complete your musical education."

  "Yippee. Grandma music." Its not--

  "Yeah, yeah, whatever." I jumped to my feet and crossed to the foot of the stairs. "Mom! Trish and I are getting ready to come up."

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  "Okay, be right down," Mom yelled back. "We are?" Trish's disappointment was clear on her face.

  "I'm starving, aren't you?" I asked, hoping the lure of leftover brain-and-kidney pie would trump the lure of babies.

  "Actually, I ate right before I left school. They passed out snack-packs after the illusion spell assembly so--"

  "And we've got the new episode of that vampire show TiVo-ed. I heard the girl ditches the wolf guy and goes back to the Undead arms of her first true lurve."

  "Oh my god, finally!" Trish squealed loud enough to earn a glare from Kimmy. "Undeader is so better. What was she thinking, hooking up with a guy who turns into a dog?"

  As if a guy who sucks blood was a big catch? Call me crazy, but I'd take a zombie over a wolfman or a vampire any day. We might eat animal brains and have cold skin, but overall we acted like the humans we were before death. We didn't get all frisky when we smelled blood or want to chew on your shoes or anything like that.

  "Okay, buddy, give me kisses." Trish stole a few spitty baby kisses from Kyle before setting him down on the floor next to Keith and racing me up the stairs. "Come on, Karen. Get your hustle on."

  So, bloodsucking hotties trump both food and babies. Good to know. I'd have to remember that in the future. Trish and her mom were already making plans to come to

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  our house for Thanksgiving, and I certainly didn't want to lose Trish to the basement of eternal babble and drool for an entire day.

  "Your food's ready. Just grab the bowls out of the microwave," Mom said as we emerged into the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel before heading down the stairs to take over trip-wrangling duty. "Oh, and that boy called again."

  "What boy?" Trish asked.

  "No one important." Good going, Mom. I would have given her the patented why-must-you-speak-in-front-of-my-friends glare but she was already halfway down the stairs.

  "It's Gavin, isn't it?" Trish squealed and did a little dance over to the microwave. "He's so in love with you."

  "He is not." I grabbed two Seltzer waters--one of the few drinks kosher for the Undead--from the fridge.

  "Oh he is too. He's asked about you like every single day, and been calling, I see." She shot a glare over her shoulder. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."

  I shrugged. "It's no big deal."

  "It is so a big deal. He's the hottest guy in school, and he's in lurrrrwe with you."

  "He is not" I fetched the TV trays and prayed Trish would give it a rest already.

  "Hate to repeat myself, but he is too."

  "Whatever. Even if he were, I'm just not into him."

  Trish let the spoons she was holding clatter into our

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  bowls before fixing me with a look that left no doubt she questioned my sanity. "You have to be joking."

  "No, I'm not. I just don't see the appeal." Yeah, right. I'd more than seen the appeal, I'd been totally head-over-heels and imagining the way he'd yell my name when we were old married people.

  But that was before I'd seen him with a mouthful of illegal brains.

  Principal Samedi had let him off the hook for nibbling on forbidden cranium fruit. I was guessing they had worked out a deal where he didn't tattle on her for trying to work an illegal suspended-animation spell and she didn't deliver him to the High Council for munching the brains of other zombies. But I couldn't forgive him. All that time, I'd thought he wanted to help Cork's victims, but he'd really just wanted to snack on Trish and Kendra and Penelope himself. It was so disappointing it made my teeth ache. I'd been so convinced he was one of the good guys.

  "Wow...you really are the vainest person I've ever met." Trish set our bowls on the trays and then grabbed hers and headed into the den. "That's going to cause you grief in later life."

  "What?" I asked, trailing after her.

  "I mean, no offense, Karen, but you're not going to find anyone hotter or smarter or nicer than Gavin. If he's not good enough for you, then--"

  "That's not it at all." I sighed. "Can we just change the subject?"

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  Keeping the secret of Gavin's brain-eating was driving me crazy, but I didn't want to tell Trish. Principal Samedi had asked me to keep mum about it, and also not to say anything about Mr. Cork really being her evil sister. I didn't see that I had any choice but to do what Samedi said. I mean, I still had to go back to school and, after my encounter with her sister, I was sure Samedi would know if I'd broken my promise. Gavin had said the mind-reading thing was only possible because Amisi had eaten zombie brains, but I wasn't going to risk it. If there was even a chance all ancient zombies could read minds, it was enough to keep my mouth firmly closed.

  Besides, I didn't want to freak Trish out. If I knew that someone--even a totally hot and crush-worthy someone-- had eaten part of my brain, I would have had a debilitating skeeve attack. Trish didn't need any more stress in her life after everything she'd been through.

  "Fine." Trish set her tray down and flopped back onto the couch. "But when you're old and alone and your looks start to go and everyone talks about what a stuck-up chick you always were in school, don't come crying to me."

  Okay, maybe she did deserve more stress.

  I was getting ready to hint that she shouldn't speak of things she didn't understand or risk committing Stupidity in the First Degree when the doorbell rang.

  "Crap! I've got to go get Mom." I assumed my illusion spell was working
(although I still looked the same to myself, other Undead, and my immediate family), but

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  I didn't want to risk opening the door. It wouldn't do for the neighbors to see the girl whose memorial service they'd attended almost two weeks ago signing for packages.

  "Wait up," Trish said, rushing to the curtains. "It might be my mom. She said she'd stop by on her way home from work and drop off a few things for tonight. She hinted she'd been baking."

  "Sleepover goodies?"

  "Yeah, she's pretty amazing with brains, for a woman who...Oh.My.God."

  "What? What is it?" I asked, immediately anxious. What if one of my friends from my old life had decided to stop by to visit my mom? Would I be able to pull off the "new nanny hired to help with the trips" cover we'd decided on?

  "No, the question is who is it." Trish turned from the curtains with a wicked gleam in her eyes. "I think you better come take a look. Your loverboy is here."

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  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Love stanks,

  When it's your skin you're rotting in, Love stanks,

  When the reaper's not your friend. Zombie love ain't love at all Cause lovin' you just stanks.

  --"Love Stanks, "by Empty Cranium, Undead Power Ballads of the 1980s

  "What?" Fear clutched at my throat. Surely she couldn't mean--

  "Come on, Karen, let me in," came a muffled voice from outside the front door. "We need to talk."

  Holy. Crispy. Squid brains. It was Gavin. On my porch. Undead and in person.

  My hand flew to smooth my hair before I could remind my addled hormones that this was not the boy for us. There were more important things in the world than good looks or a great personality or being brave enough to risk your life by waiting to go through a magic door until the girl you're with has leapt down off the back of a giant maggot.

  Gavin had betrayed his own kind and deliberately misled me. I couldn't forgive that, no matter how many great things he had going for him.

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  "Crap, what should I do?" I shifted nervously from foot to foot. Should I go get my mom? Hide in the bathroom until Gavin got the hint and vacated? Get Trish to tell him it was never going to happen, a la third grade, when Id sent my friend Betsy over to tell Craig Summer, the nose picker, that I didn't want to be his girlfriend?

  "Let him in, you goob," Trish said, grabbing her food and heading back into the kitchen.

  "No!" I snatched at her arm, intending to hold her prisoner. She couldn't just leave me here! Alone! With Gavin on the porch!

  "Yes." She rolled her eyes and dodged my grab. "Don't be weird. I'll just go hang in the other room until you've talked this out."

  "Don't go, I--"

  "I'm going, Karen. Just chill out and talk to the boy. But know I will be trying to eavesdrop, so don't talk too loud." She disappeared into the kitchen.

  Great. At least she was honest, but this put me in a very bad position. How could I tell Gavin I didn't want anything to do with him because he was a lousy, no-good brain eater when one of the girls whose brain he might have eaten was listening in the other room?

  "I'm not leaving until you open the door, Karen," Gavin yelled, loud enough to attract attention if anyone was walking by.

  Argh! I was going to have to let him in. I couldn't just leave him out there screaming a dead girl's name. But I

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  wouldn't let him say a word about what had gone down last week. I'd tell him I had company and I wasn't interested in hearing anything he had to say. End of story.

  I ran to the door, doing my best to ignore the full body flutter inspired by the thought of seeing Gavin face to face. He was a greedy brain muncher. I must remember that he was a gross, repulsive--

  "Listen, I..." I froze in the doorway, completely stupefied.

  Ohmygod, he was so not gross. He was still totally the cutest guy in the entire world and there was no way I was going to be able to resist drowning in the cerulean blue ocean of his eyes. He was a bug light and I a mosquito helplessly drawn to his killer glow. He was a cobra and I a mouse lured by his hypnotic serpent's dance. He was a--

  "Um... can I come in?" he asked, in this soft voice that made my bones melt. What was wrong with me? There had to be something malfunctioning somewhere. Other girls were not this vulnerable to the lure of cute boy-ness. I probably had a hormonal imbalance or something. I'd have to get myself checked out by Dr. Connor as soon as I got back to school.

  Assuming Dr. Connor was still around. She'd seemed pretty bummed out to learn her other great-great-granddaughter had been the brain harvester. She might have decided to take a vacation or something.

  I wished I was on vacation. Then I wouldn't have to be here, staring at him.

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  "Sure. Yeah." I stood to the side and shooed Gavin in. "Wouldn't want the neighbors to see me," I added, trying to make it clear that this was the only reason I was letting him in.

  "But you worked an illusion spell before leaving school, right? So you should be fine."

  "Yeah, but... you can't be too careful." I tilted my nose into the air. He would not shake my resolve with logic or words or logical words.

  "Oh. Right."

  "Right." I slammed the door and turned to give him my best you-are-a-lower-life-form-unworthy-even-of-my-scorn glare. "What do you want?"

  "Okay, guess we're getting right to it, huh?" Gavin sighed and leaned awkwardly against the doorway between the foyer and the living room, hands shoved in his pockets.

  He was wearing dark blue jeans and a tight black sweater, making it even more difficult for me to resist drooling in appreciation. I'd never seen him in weekend wear. I mean, the boy made the DEAD uniform look good, but in normal street clothes he was... practically irresistible. And if I was honest with myself, it wasn't even the way he looked that floored me. It was just... him. His energy, his aura, the look in his eyes when he was looking at me--all that stuff.

  Be strong! Think about his lies, and his nasty eating habits, and the way his lips were all shiny after he munched Trish's brains.

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  Ugh. Way to go, inner voice. Draw attention to his lips why don't you?

  "Do you know what I mean?" he asked. "Can't you just think about that?"

  Think about what? Crap! He'd said something and I'd missed it because I was too busy thinking about his stupid lips. Bad call on that one. I'd be better off thinking about poor little puppies who'd been run over crossing the street. Or maybe kittens. I didn't really care for dogs. They were so slobbery and smelly and they chewed on everything and I already had the trips to do all that, so--

  "Karen?"

  "What?" I snapped the word with more frustration than intended, angry at my stupid brain tangents more than at Gavin, but he didn't know that.

  His eyes flashed and he threw up his hands. "Fine, I guess I should just go."

  "Yeah, maybe you should." I struggled to ignore the horrible sinking feeling in my gut. I really didn't want him to go, but it was for the best. Our love could never be. We were like Romeo and Juliet if Romeo had been a cannibal and Juliet hadn't died after taking that poison... or plunging a knife through her heart or however she offed herself in the end. I'd tried to block that whole last part out. It was just too depressing and tragic.

  Kind of like what was happening right now.

  "Fine." Gavin headed back to the door.

  "Fine," I said, barely resisting the urge to clutch at his

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  sweater and tell him to stay and fight with me some more. Even fighting with Gavin was more fun than having fun with a normal boy.

  "I'll just show myself out."

  "Good, you should."

  No, you shouldn't! I love you! (But I didn't say that out loud.)

  "I was stupid to think you'd even try to understand," he continued as he reached for the door. "You're obviously too selfish."

  "Selfish?" What? Was he on crack? I rushed to the door, grateful for an excuse to shov
e it closed. "I'm not the one who pretended to be a good guy when all I really wanted was to snack on innocent girls' brains."

  Oops. I'd spilled the beans. Hopefully Trish wasn't listening too closely.

  "I never planned to do that," he said, the outrage in his voice pretty darn convincing. "It was the only way I knew how to stop Amisi."

  Oh. "It was?"

  "Yeah, she was drawing strength from the brains, but I thought if someone else consumed part of her power source..." He shrugged, obviously ashamed of what he'd done, whether he'd had a choice or not. "I figured it would slow her down, and it did."

  "Oh." Wow... now I felt like such a jerk. A selfish, only-thinking-about-my-own-grossed-outedness jerk. So I guess Samedi had let him off the hook because he was

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  only trying to help, not because they'd worked out some sort of non-tattling arrangement. "I didn't know that it worked like that."

  "I didn't know for sure, either. I thought it would weaken her enough for us to escape. I had no idea it would kill her. I don't know if I would have been able to--"

  "She's dead?" I was more relieved than I probably should have been. I mean, bad guy or no bad guy, I didn't want anyone dead. Maximum security prison for life would be good.

  "Yeah. She'd been mostly dead for a while, anyway. She'd worked too much black magic, and it made her flesh deteriorate faster than normal." He shoved his hands back in his pockets, making his manly swimmer muscles bunch beneath his sweater. "Principal Samedi said she would have been too rotten to survive if she hadn't shoplifted Mr. Cork's skin and started harvesting brains when she did."

  "So there is a real Mr. Cork?"

  "Um... not anymore."

  "Oh." Poor Mr. Cork. "God. What a witch."

  "No kidding." He shifted uncomfortably as the conversation suffered from Awkward Pausitis.