Infinite Risk

by Ann Aguirre

“Heh, no. Do you have a secret addiction to Lifetime movies?” That existed, right?

  “Guilty as charged. I love to watch them and cry.”

  “Now it’s my turn not to be sure if you’re messing with me. But it’s a good flip.”

  Jake licked one fingertip and etched a hash mark into the air. “One point for me. Anyway, it’s fine if you want to invite people. I can’t guarantee everyone will get a warm welcome, though they won’t get shit from me.”

  That was about as generous as I could expect him to be, considering he was talking about his own friends. Sometimes you liked people even knowing they could be assholes to everyone else or maybe there were childhood bonds or secret pacts, whatever. I understood where he was coming from anyway. Turning, I spied Tanya watching us, but she didn’t have the possessive vibe from the other day. Which likely meant Lara had regaled her with tales of Colin’s excruciating hotness.

  “Hey,” she said brightly.

  The greeting clearly included both of us, and I saw why Kian had spent his junior high years silently pining for her. Her eyes were this amazing hazel, gold when the light hit just right, and her hair, as I’d admired before, fell in tawny, sun-streaked waves. Her skin was gorgeous, flawless, lightly tinged with gold. When she stepped into the sunlight, I was kind of attracted to her; she had a radiance that made you want to step closer. In some ways, she reminded me of Allison Vega, but I detected no malice in Tanya, at least no more than usual in a human.

  It’s so weird that I have to make that distinction.

  “’Sup.” After I said it, I regretted it, but maybe I could blame California if anyone gave me a weird look.

  “I didn’t know you two had class together,” she went on.

  “Me either. I’m usually asleep.” That wasn’t too far from the truth.

  “Yet the teacher never catches you. You have to teach me that trick,” Jake said.

  “Me too.” Tanya took Jake’s hand, and he bent down to kiss her forehead. They were actually kind of sweet together, which made me feel sorry for Kian.

  It also reassured me that while our conversation had been kind of flirty, Jake didn’t necessarily mean for it to go anywhere. Since I had so little romantic mojo, sometimes I thought nothing was something and something was nothing. In this scenario, I was willing to ruin Tanya’s relationship if it would help, but I didn’t want Jake to be easily distracted. He seemed like such a decent guy that I’d be disappointed to learn otherwise.

  “Well, Colin is probably waiting,” I said, mostly as an excuse to get going.

  But it backfired spectacularly.

  “Would it be super weird if I went with you?” Tanya asked.

  “Excuse me?” I stared at her, wondering how that request sounded okay in her head.

  “I’m right here,” Jake pointed out.

  Tanya waved him off. “Go to practice. I’ll text you later.”

  “Fine.” He sighed, but lifted a hand and jogged toward the gym, evidently well-versed in her eccentricities.

  Once Jake was gone, she continued. “Lara made such a huge deal about your man candy that I want to verify. She made it sound like Justin Timberlake was here or something.”

  “I have no idea how to feel about this. It is super weird. If you decide that her hyperbole was justified, do I get a prize?” But I didn’t try to stop her from accompanying me.

  “You already got him,” she said, as if that was obvious. “And I know this must seem bizarre, but this is Podunk, PA. I have to make my own excitement.”

  “With my boyfriend,” I noted in a wry tone.

  Mostly because it would be peculiar if I was totally cool with other women coming to check Colin out. Only he and I knew the truth, so I swallowed a sigh when I found him leaning up against the same electrical pole. This is such an odd echo. Today he was a wistful dream in shades of blue, though he still wore the black trench. Beside me, Tanya stopped, and while her mouth didn’t quite drop open as the Harbinger sauntered toward us, it was a close call.

  Then she swore.

  I cut her a surprised look. “Something wrong?”

  “I owe Lara ten bucks.”

  Now I understood why she needed to see “Colin” with her own eyes, and it finally made sense. “You bet he wasn’t all that?”

  “Sorry.” She had the grace to look chagrined. “It’s not very classy, huh?”

  “It’s fine,” I said as he reached us.

  “What is?”

  “Never mind,” I mumbled.

  The Harbinger startled me by leaning in for a fleeting kiss. He was so natural about it that I almost tipped over, and he steadied me with a hand on my waist. “You can’t get used to this, hm? Our chemistry is so—”

  “Oh my God, shut up.”

  Tanya laughed. “Well, I’m done third-wheeling. Talk to you guys later.”

  She seemed to mean it, all friendly smiles as she jogged back toward the school. Kian wouldn’t have liked her for this long if she wasn’t smart, pretty, and nice, the intersection of feminine accomplishments. But the last item on her list of good qualities made me wonder why she’d been so mean about rejecting him, cruel enough to destroy him. From what I’d seen so far of her, she wasn’t like that, and it made me think—

  Wedderburn.

  While he couldn’t force Kian directly to extremis, he could shape the factors in play. My hands curled into fists, and it was all I could do not to head to Boston right now. Mounting an assault on the winter king’s stronghold didn’t seem like the smartest move, however. I jumped when cool, gloved fingertips tipped up my chin.

  “You seem more than usually distracted.” The Harbinger slung an arm around my shoulders, ostensibly in affection but his touch felt like a target on my back.

  “You think? I wonder why.” Unable to help myself, I glanced around, pondering if Raoul would recognize an immortal playing human. There didn’t seem to be anyone in the vicinity who fit his profile, even in disguise, but as I’d learned in the game, just because you didn’t see them did not mean they weren’t watching. A chill crawled down my spine.

  The Harbinger dug his fingers into my shoulders and leaned over to whisper, “Stop fretting, it bothers me. I may take your lack of trust personally.”

  “Everything you do bothers me, so we’re even.”

  “You’re an execrable lover,” he observed with a worrisome glint in his eyes. “No concern about my day, no delight that I came to fetch you from educational imprisonment.”

  “It’s awesome that I don’t have to pay for the bus.”

  “That’s the best you can do?” He sighed and pulled away, quickening his step, so I had to trot to keep up. Normally, he’d pull me into a quiet corner and transport us, but we hiked two blocks with no indication that he planned to stop anytime soon, not a single word spoken between us. The wind sliced through my hoodie and jean jacket like icy knives. No question about it, the Harbinger was sulking.

  I shouldn’t find this endearing.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m a terrible girlfriend. I appreciate you coming to get me when you have more important things to do.”

  He stopped, casting a diamond glance over one shoulder. The bright blade of a look nearly stopped me in my tracks because it was equal measures sweetness, longing, and malice. Each third carried equal impact, stealing my breath and withering my voice. It wasn’t his aura exactly, more the weight of the eons he carried, as though he was a marble plinth carved from mountains and left to wear away beneath the wind.

  “The last woman who apologized to me was called Saiorse.”

  “Redhead, dingy pub, and you were a humble fiddle player,” I remembered aloud.

  “I love that you collect my crumbs and try to make a loaf of them.”

  “Even the fragments are fascinating.”

  He took both my hands in his, crunch of leather against the soft knit covering my fingers. “That time … I said it ended badly.”

  “I remember.”

 
“It wasn’t my fault. For some reason, I feel impelled to share that much. I never … I didn’t play with her. We just kept company for a time. She reminded me of Sigyn. I’ve always had a penchant for innocent eyes.”

  Knowing the Harbinger, he might even have a collection of them; I chose not to pursue that disturbing avenue of inquiry. Nor did I yield to the impulse to ask if my gaze fit his criteria. “What happened?”

  “Human frailty,” he said gravely. “In those days, they called it consumption.”

  “Tuberculosis? I’m sorry. It must have been hard.”

  He let go of me then. “No, it’s the easiest thing in the world to watch someone die, dearling. What’s hard is continuing on. After.”

  Contemplating my losses, I decided those might be the truest words he had ever spoken.

  SILKEN ROPES AND UNSEEN SNARES

  “I am not going to Jake Overman’s party,” Kian said, as if I’d suggested he head for Mars in a one-man craft.

  Actually, he’d probably be more willing to take that risk. I nudged him, trotting out my best imploring look. “C’mon. Everyone else said they’d check it out. Carmen even said she’d drive … her mom has a minivan so everyone can pile in. We’re meeting up at the bus stop nearest House of Style.”

  “No way. This won’t end well,” he predicted.

  “How can you know that for sure?”

  “When I’m not watching golden-age movies, I’m all over eighties teen comedies. I know what happens when the nerd goes to the jock party.”

  Despite my sense of urgency, I laughed. “Those movies are brain candy, but they don’t write the script for reality. Jake seems like an okay guy, and Tanya is nice too.”

  “What about the twenty other people?”

  “Well, we’re bringing eight. The odds are in our favor.” Normally, Kian would’ve made a Hunger Games joke here, but the first book hadn’t come out yet.

  “I don’t understand why this is so important to you. What difference does it make if I go to a party or not?”

  “Life is all about new experiences. You should try things, even if they scare you. If it turns out to be fun, then it’s a win.”

  “And if not?”

  “Then you know for sure it’s not your deal and can tick it off the list.”

  “I can do that right now,” he muttered.

  Sighing, I said, “Then I guess you don’t like Tanya that much.”

  He grabbed my arm and tugged me out of the stream of people passing from the cafeteria to their next class. “Are you crazy? Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true, though. If you cared that much about her, you’d be willing to take risks.”

  “She has a boyfriend, genius.” It was the first time I’d heard such a scathing tone from Kian, and in all honesty, it cut deep.

  Ignoring my personal discomfort, I shook free of his grasp because a new friend like I was pretending to be wouldn’t be affected so much by his anger. “Whatever, dude. If you’d rather watch from the sidelines, it’s your call. But I’m going to the party. Maybe it’ll suck and I’ll have no desire for an encore, but life is for living.”

  “Carpe diem,” he said quietly.

  “Exactly, seize the day.”

  He seemed to be talking to himself more than me as he went on. “It’s pretty gutless to complain about my situation while I refuse strategic changes.”

  “I don’t know if it has to be that much of a thing,” I said, because Nine probably wouldn’t understand.

  Remembering how scared I was before Cameron Dean’s party, how Davina practically had to shove me bodily through the gates, I got his angst. Kian squared his shoulders and tipped his head as if the ceiling tiles offered resolve and inspiration. Then he let out a deep breath and nodded, some inner turmoil resolved.

  “Fine, I’ll go. But I’m not expecting to hook up with anyone; it would just be nice to prove that I’m not a total loner.”

  Anyone had to mean Tanya. But it would be cool if he talked to her. In three years of this endless crush, he’d never managed that. The first step to getting over this girl was realizing she wasn’t the pinnacle of perfection. I considered telling him that she’d bet Lara ten bucks that my “boyfriend” wasn’t as hot as she claimed, but he wasn’t ready for Tanya to climb down from her pedestal yet.

  “Sounds good. We’re meeting at seven on Saturday night.” Since I’d already given the location, that should be enough.

  “I’ll be there. But … do you think I should get a haircut before then?” Kian peered at me through shaggy bangs, undeniably anxious.

  “Yeah. There’s a beauty school downtown with a sign for five-dollar cuts.”

  “Is that a good idea?”

  “The students are probably more worried about doing a good job than stylists that charge fifty bucks while texting as they work on you.”

  That seemed to soothe his misgivings. “Want to go with me?”

  “Sure. I could use a change too. Did you want to get it done tonight?”

  “Unless you have something planned with Colin?”

  The Harbinger was strange yesterday … and that was saying something. After his surprising confession that Saiorse had died of consumption, he dropped me off at my room and vanished with no mention of when I’d see him again. That left me with surprisingly conflicted emotions. On one hand, it was a relief not to stress about him signaling Wedderburn’s agents that I was more than I seemed, but a kernel of concern wedged itself into my heart. It was weird to care how he felt, but now that I’d started, the roller coaster didn’t look to be letting me off anytime soon.

  “No, he’s got a gig.”

  “Violin, right?” I nodded, and Kian made a face. “I always heard musicians are irresistible. Guess that’s true.”

  “You’re a clever guy. Learn to play the guitar.”

  “Maybe I will.” He grinned.

  The vibe was so different than it had been. Before Colin appeared, there were signs Kian might transfer his devotion from Tanya to me. Now I’d been firmly friend-zoned. I had … mixed feelings, but I reminded myself that was for the best while choking down memories he didn’t share. No matter what, he would always be my first love.

  “That would be awesome. Then you can jam with Colin.”

  By Kian’s expression, that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it etched the boundary between us anew. I was just the spontaneous girl who crashed into his life and would dart away like a hummingbird when the time came. Before then, however, I had to leave him in a good place with enough support to survive whatever Wedderburn threw at him. I couldn’t accept the idea that Kian might be made to be broken, and that the loop would repeat, no matter what.

  “Anyway, I’ll meet you after school?”

  The warning bell rang, drowning out any verbal reply, so I gave him two thumbs up and dashed toward my class. I dozed through the rest of the day, and when I headed to the front, Kian was waiting. Notably, the Harbinger was not. A little pang went through me. Not because I missed him, but he was even more isolated than me. I imagined him curled up in his rocky pile on the coast, licking ancient wounds. There was nothing I could do, however, so I slung my bag over one shoulder and hurried toward Kian.

  “Let’s catch a bus,” I said.

  This time, he didn’t lean his shoulder against mine or offer to share his music with me. We joked around until our stop and got off to walk the four blocks to the student salon. There were five people already in the chairs, so we waited half an hour before they called Kian. He cast a nervous look over one shoulder, but I didn’t go with him. Telling the stylist what he wanted would be good practice, and it wasn’t like I could intercede for him forever.

  Ten minutes later, a girl with spiky green hair came to get me. “Your turn. Don’t let my look worry you. I funk people up by request only.”

  I laughed as I sat down. “Actually that would be cool. I’ve always wanted to try a bob, something a little edgy?”

  She picked up a maga
zine and flipped through it. “Something like this?”

  “What’s that even called?”

  “Asymmetrical bob with heavy side bangs.”

  “I’m glad it’s something so easy to remember,” I said.

  “You’ll be losing a lot of hair—you sure you’re okay with that?”

  “Totally. It’s time for a change.”

  That settled, she went to work, but she was slower than the stylists I’d had before, probably because she had a teacher inspecting her efforts every ten minutes. But an hour later, my hair looked fantastic. She gave me a mirror so I could check out the front, and went over how I could achieve this careless look on my own.

  While listening to the instructions, I glanced around for Kian, but he must’ve finished and gone back to the waiting room. I slipped her some crumpled singles. “You did a great job.”

  “Thanks.” She pocketed the money and started cleaning up her station. “You’d look cute with some streaks. Come back if you decide to go for it.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Out in the lobby, I spotted Kian right away. He’d gone for a style similar to the one he’d worn when I met him in the other timeline: short on the sides, shorn in the back, with a little flip of a quiff up front. It was such a huge improvement that I beamed. Maybe Tanya wouldn’t fall for him at first sight, but other people would definitely be checking him out at the party.

  “How is it?” he asked, anxious.

  “Good. I like being able to see your face.”

  His mouth twisted. “Funny. I see you weren’t kidding about changing things up.”

  I resisted the urge to ask his opinion. “I’m hoping it’ll be easier to manage.”

  “Since you lopped off eight inches, it’d be pretty messed up if it was harder.”

  “Smart-ass. Ready to go?”

  “Yeah, I need to get home. My uncle will be around this weekend, and he said something about hanging out.” Kian seemed stoked for that, practically running to the bus stop so we could catch the next one.

  We got off at my stop, but he had to wait for a transfer. I waved as I headed for the Baltimore, but instead of going straight there, I stopped at the bodega. José had a line of customers and somebody had broken a bottle of beer, so I got the mop while he focused on the register. After I removed the glass, it seemed like a waste to do only one spot, so I mopped the whole store. Soon the crowd thinned out and I finished cleaning, then left the yellow WET FLOOR sign out just in case.