Infinite Risk

by Ann Aguirre

  “You can hear me, right? This always was your favorite way to spy on me.”

  “Mom, is that lady talking to the birds?” a little kid asked.

  The mom shushed him. “Don’t point; it’s rude.”

  They hurried past as I laughed quietly. From across the way, the guitarist called, “Don’t feel bad. I talk to animals too.”

  “You’re Dolittle, right?”

  He laughed and continued playing.

  As for me, I was way beyond caring what random strangers thought, so I continued my conversation with the crow. “I want you to know, I’m okay. Everything’s all right now, and I’m in a good place. You made the best choice you could, and I don’t blame you.” I hesitated, but since I was talking to myself, I added quietly, “You were my hero, by the way.”

  I waited for the tears, but they didn’t come. A smile formed instead. The black bird sidled up to me and snapped the remaining bread from my fingers, and then it flapped away to stare balefully from a nearby wire. It’s not him. He doesn’t know. But now that I’d dumped my emotional purse, just like I’d given away all my belongings, I could brace for the hardest good-bye of all. Just then, my phone alarm went off, reminding me to meet Carmen and company for Kian’s surprise birthday bash.

  Okay. Time to party like it’s the last night of my life.

  THE LAST NIGHT OF MY LIFE

  Today I arrived last and took some scolding from everyone else. Kian was missing, though. “Where’s the guest of honor?” I asked.

  “Jake’s picking him up,” Devon explained. “He said he needed some tutoring.”

  I crawled all the way to the back, next to Elton. He didn’t glance up from the PSP in his hand. Nosy, I leaned over to check out the racing game he was playing. He elbowed me without looking up. Carmen checked to make sure everyone was settled and then took off. She must be used to driving with distractions if she ran errands with her brothers and sisters in the car.

  “Also, we’re being sneaky.” Vonna turned to face me, arm on the back of the seat.

  “How so?”

  She grinned. “Technically today’s not his birthday.”

  “Really?” I’d completely lost track of the date, so I’d take her word for it.

  “So we pretend nothing’s up until midnight?”

  “It’s genius,” Amanda said.

  “You’re welcome.” Devon had shotgun, but his voice carried.

  Amanda and Nathan were snuggled up together in the seat ahead of me, so I suspected they’d finally moved beyond the picking-on-each-other stage of the relationship. No need to ask since that would highlight the fact that I’d been out of the loop for a while. It hadn’t been all bad that I left school early, as it gave Kian plenty of practice dealing with people on his own.

  Seems like he’s doing great.

  They talked around me, discussing end-of-year stuff with context I didn’t share. Nobody noticed that I didn’t talk much, pumped up with the prospect of surprising Kian. Five months ago, you thought he was beyond weird. Now you’re giving him the best present since his dad died. As we pulled into Jake’s impressive drive, I remembered the last time we were here.

  It’ll be fine. Winter is gone, and for now, Summer loves me.

  Dwyer’s coin also seemed to keep the murderous universe at bay, so hopefully, I could hang out with my friends one last time without anything exploding or catching fire. The gate buzzed and swung open. True to his promise at the food festival, no other cars lined the drive. Carmen parked right by the door, and we rang the bell. Jake answered with a harried expression.

  “Help me, guys. Tanya got here early, so Kian’s already suspicious.”

  “Trust her to screw this up,” Devon muttered.

  Amanda smacked him. “Don’t be like that. You know how hard she’s trying to make you like her.”

  He shook his head. “Girl just can’t accept that she’s not the princess anymore.”

  “Guys,” Jake prompted.

  I thought fast. “Right. Tell him you tricked everyone into coming over because you want to clear your name.” Since that was the truth, it made for a good cover.

  Jake brightened and hurried inside. Keeping up with his long strides wasn’t easy, so it took the rest of us another minute. Kian and Tanya sat at the long dining table with the chandelier on dim. This house impressed me all over again, though it still struck me as somewhat soulless. This is what money without heart buys. I hope Jake has a happier life than this. He was at least as well off as the elite at Blackbriar yet considerably kinder than most.

  “You’re all here?” A smile started on Kian’s face, as he was too smart not to know when something was up.

  It had been a while since I’d seen him, long enough for me to catalog the differences. He’d filled out a shade, and his skin had cleared up some. I could well imagine how he’d look at twenty, not supernaturally beautiful, but smart, attractive, and comfortable with himself. I must’ve stared too long because he locked onto me and we exchanged a long look. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me, but I smiled.

  “Actually,” Jake said then. “I have a confession to make.” He proceeded with my suggested explanation.

  Kian’s shoulders slumped slightly. He’s going to be so shocked later.

  Either not noticing or pretending not to, Jake went on. “Don’t worry, it’s a low-key hangout tonight. My mom’s in the other part of the house, but she won’t bother us.”

  “Doesn’t she usually travel with your dad?” Nathan asked.

  “They’re fighting right now. He recommended she get some cosmetic surgery; she accused him of secretly wanting to trade her for a younger model.” He seemed remarkably unconcerned, but I had the impression he didn’t spend that much time with them anyway.

  “So you don’t actually need tutoring,” Kian said, sounding annoyed.

  But I knew what was bothering him. The others probably did too, but we couldn’t let on until midnight. Jake showed us to the home theater, a room that was a small VIP cinema, complete with recliners and a huge screen. I pictured Jake in here watching movies alone, and it was sad somehow, worse than curling up under the covers with a laptop and Netflix.

  “What movies do you have?” Nathan asked.

  Much discussion ensued, and eventually, since he’d done such a good job entertaining us at Carmen’s place, we agreed to let him pick a movie this time too. At some point, Vonna and Kian disappeared. I had no intention of playing creeper, but my body still processed liquids fine and I needed to pee, so I headed out to find the guest bathroom. Instead, I stumbled on what sounded like a private conversation. The minute I realized that, I should’ve backed out of the hall, but I was nosy enough to linger.

  “So … you want to break up?” Kian whispered.

  Holy shit, that’s taking the bit too far.

  “More of a hiatus. I’m going to Long Beach to stay with my cousin for the summer, and it’s better if we’re both free to have fun. When I get back, we’ll see. I mean, I like you, but we’re not married, you know?”

  “That makes sense. We’re pretty young to be all serious anyway.”

  “You’re not mad?” She sounded anxious, so maybe this wasn’t a joke.

  “I’ll miss you, but how can I be mad about you getting an awesome vacation?”

  “See, this is why I’m into you. Well, that and your poetry.”

  For a few seconds, my heart froze in my chest as I imagined him reading to her from his private book, the one only I’d been privy to before. But those memories belonged to Vonna now. I wondered if she liked the firebird poem, if it spoke to her. The last line came to me in fading echo of a past I had to let go:

  It must fly or die.

  “I thought girls only liked bad boys,” he murmured.

  “Only the dumb ones.”

  The sounds of kissing followed, and I slipped out of earshot to complete my bathroom quest. When I got back, the movie had started. Vonna and Kian were curled together in th
e back, so he must be okay with the summer break request. Hell, maybe, he’ll date other people too. When he started college, he’d likely be a lot different than the person I loved.

  Better. Stronger. Happier.

  After the comedy Nathan chose, we pigged out on snacks Jake’s housekeeper had prepared. Rather, they did. I watched with hungry eyes—not the food—but the interaction. Such a wealth of warmth and friendship filled me up, so I couldn’t eat a bite. Devon came up beside me, his hip bumping mine.

  “You okay?”

  “Sure.”

  “I hear you’re leaving soon.”

  “Jake told you?” Other than him, I didn’t think I’d mentioned it to anyone else.

  Well, Kian, of course. But even he didn’t know that this was my last night. I planned to put Dwyer’s coin in a safe place and just … let go when morning came. I’m so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of begging and bargaining for just a little longer.

  “Yeah. We hang out quite a bit these days. He’s not nearly as much of a douche as I initially thought. I see why you dated him.”

  I stifled a laugh. “Maybe you should give him a shot.”

  Devon slid me a sideways look. “I don’t think he’s into my type.”

  “Actually he might surprise you,” I said absently. I realized my mistake too late and bit my lip.

  He gave the basketball star a long look. “Oh, really? Well, he’s pretty into Tanya at the moment, but I’ll keep an eye on the situation. You’re not messing with me, right?”

  “Definitely not, though I shouldn’t have told you. It’s not common knowledge.”

  “Yeah, it’s not okay to out someone. You’re lucky I’m a pro at keeping secrets.”

  When Devon smiled ruefully, I recalled how worried he’d been that people would find out his mom owned Madame Q’s House of Style. These days he seemed cool with it, a sign of greater maturity. After all, most teenagers went through a period of being embarrassed by their parents for one reason or another.

  By this point, Kian had relaxed, and he truly seemed to have no clue we knew his birthday arrived in less than two minutes. Precisely at 12:01 a.m., Jake carried a cake in with fifteen candles glowing on it. The perfectly frosted layers reflected the unmistakable touch of an experienced baker, likely the housekeeper. Kian stared, speechless, as presents appeared out of purses and backpacks. I had only cash and my fake ID, so I gave him twenty bucks wrapped around the card.

  When he cocked his head at me, curious, I said, “Something to remember me by. And you can buy another rare album at Psychedelic with that. I wouldn’t have known what to get.”

  “Thanks.” He leapt up and hugged me.

  But he didn’t linger. In his eyes, I was just another friend, while Vonna was the girl he’d miss most. And I didn’t even mind; that meant I’d done my job. He hugged everyone, even Elton, who put up a halfhearted struggle and mumbled, “Get off me, man.”

  “Admit it,” Devon said around a mouthful of cake. “We got you.”

  Kian grinned so wide it seemed like his face might crack open and shower us in rainbows. “You played me perfectly.”

  Jake refilled everyone’s glasses with some kind of punch that held just a hint of a kick. “And I proved that my parties don’t all end in disaster.”

  “Two thumbs up.” Carmen matched words to gesture.

  A little later, Jake turned on some music, and we were all loose enough to dance. I had an awesome time just being silly and free, trying not to think about what came next. The liquor helped with that, making it easier to watch as the songs slowed, and the group coupled up: Vonna and Kian, Nathan and Amanda, Tanya and Jake. So I drank more with Dev and Elton, until the world was pleasantly fuzzy, and I couldn’t hold my head up anymore.

  When I woke, it was late morning, and everyone was sprawled on the floor in various awkward poses. Elton and Nathan ended up spooning somehow; I must’ve missed that. Stepping over them, I fixed my face as much as possible, but with part of my makeup smudged off, I didn’t look quite right, already fading. I met Jake in the kitchen, staring vacantly into the fridge.

  “It won’t take you to Narnia no matter how long you wait,” I told him.

  He startled, shutting the door on reflex. “Man, what a night.”

  “It was fun. You threw a great party. Kian really appreciated it.” I paused, wondering if I should ask. Yeah, he’s the best choice. “Would you do me a favor?”

  “Sure. I owe you. Your stupid manga plan paid off big-time.” Finally, he got a bottle of water and chugged half as if he’d remembered why he opened the fridge in the first place.

  “Wrap this up so you can’t tell what it is. Then drop it off for Dwyer at this coffee shop.” I wrote down the address, along with some basic directions, though Jake’s driver would take him and he probably knew Cross Point like the back of his hand.

  “That’s it?” He took the coin, turning it in his fingers. “This looks ancient.”

  “Don’t ask, okay?”

  Jake sighed, shaking his head. “That’s like your motto or something. And there’s your good-bye face again.”

  “It’s time,” I said.

  But I didn’t realize I had an audience. Somehow I didn’t picture a bunch of tearful farewells, but that was how it went down. I got all the hugs and promises to keep in touch from hungover people. By the time we all piled into Carmen’s minivan, I felt scraped raw by their feelings, hard enough to handle my own. But they rebounded, recapping the night’s high points so we didn’t have to focus on the fact that this was it.

  At the drop-off point, we hugged one more time. It was tough for everyone to get to me in the vehicle so they all hopped out. Carmen grabbed me first. “Promise you’ll text.”

  Amanda squeezed me next. “When can I come visit?”

  The guys elbowed in, and then, finally, Vonna gave me a long, hard hug. “Won’t be the same without you around here, girl.”

  It took the last of my restraint not to break down. Oh God, they’ll honestly miss me. They care that I’ll be gone. Now, poised at the edge of extinction, I’d come full circle from that dark night on a bridge, feeling sure nobody would. Ironically, now that I wanted so much to survive, that path no longer existed for me.

  But I made my choice. It’s time.

  Dazed, I headed for my bus stop out of habit. To my surprise, Kian went with me. I arched my brow.

  “I’m seeing you to the station. But … don’t you need to swing by and get your stuff?”

  “It’s in a locker,” I lied.

  He kicked a rock so hard that it ricocheted off a nearby building. “Right. How long does it take to get from Miami from here?”

  I shrugged. It wasn’t like I was actually going. “Are you okay?”

  “With you leaving? Not really. But it’s not like you hid the fact that you’d be moving on. I’ve been braced for it from the start.”

  Which is probably why he protected his heart. Clever Kian. Thank you for not letting me hurt you. Again. It’s the last thing I could stand.

  “I actually meant about you and Vonna.”

  He stumbled a little over an uneven spot in the sidewalk. “Oh, you heard? I asked if it was part of the joke, but … apparently not. It’s a surprise for sure, but I’m glad she went this route instead of cheating on me.”

  “You could have a summer fling too.”

  Kian laughed. “Please. I barely know how to handle one girl.”

  “Practice makes perfect,” I teased.

  For the last time, we rode the bus together, and he offered his earbuds, as he had before. The music was different this time, an interesting mix of old hits, classic jazz, and modern R & B. Already Vonna’s influence was shaping him. Through my lashes, I watched him.

  You’re going to have an amazing life. Promise me.

  All too soon we reached the station terminus, and the long-distance bus depot was three blocks down. Kian walked me all the way there. Without Dwyer’s coin, pain came at me in wave
s like enemy soldiers. I wouldn’t be able to control this much longer.

  This has to end. Oh God, it has to.

  Gritting my teeth, I covered the distance while Kian talked about summer plans with his uncle, mostly house renovation stuff. He pretended to flex. “Maybe I’ll come back so buff in the fall, nobody will be able to resist me.”

  I couldn’t stop staring at his smile. Happy birthday, baby. In my world, you tried to die today.

  “You’re already potent enough.”

  Thinking that was a joke, he laughed. “Whatever. Oh. Here we are.” From his tone, he’d been putting on a front too, refusing to acknowledge the inevitable.

  “Thanks for keeping me company.”

  “It’s me who should be thanking you. I mean, damn. Basically, you changed my life.”

  That was the mission. But I only gave you a nudge. You did the rest.

  This moment shone brighter than all the diamonds I’d never wear, tasted sweeter than all the meals I wouldn’t eat. Kian reached for me then and pulled me close with a desperation he’d clearly been concealing. I wrapped my arms around him as tight, burying my face in his chest. It was a small miracle that I could. Somewhere down the line, someone would have a beautiful life because this boy survived.

  “I can’t believe the only picture I have of you is that stupid fake ID,” he whispered into my hair. His hand tangled in the short strands like he couldn’t help it, and it hurt a little.

  Parts of me, the missing bits hidden beneath my clothes, couldn’t feel him at all, and that terrified me. I held on harder.

  “Sorry. But it’s something, right?”

  “Sometimes when I look at you, I get this feeling…” He sighed, and it tickled the side of my face.

  No, I don’t want him thinking that.

  “By the way, if I go quiet, please understand it’s not that I wanted to. But—”

  “Your life is complicated,” he finished.

  I should be relieved that he accepted the excuse so easily. After all, I’d be conditioning him for months to let me go. But it hurt like tearing open a wound when I finally pushed back and stepped out of those comforting arms. He’s not mine. This isn’t my time.