Late Love

by Scarlett Hopper

  “I want to hold her,” Em whines. I turn to her.

  “Wake her up, and you die,” I say, to which she playfully rolls her eyes at me.

  “I mean it, Emilia Ronan. This is the first hour I’ve gotten to myself in over a month.”

  “Fine,” she sulks, taking a sip of her drink.

  “Onto other news, I heard you’re pushing Owen to date?” Stana’s voice is soft so she doesn’t disturb Rosie, but I hear the question in it.

  I nod. “It’s not normal for him to dedicate all his time to me and the baby. I’ve been saying it for months—he needs to date, find a nice girl.” I look away from them, reaching for my cold drink. The bubbles feel rough against my throat, but I welcome them.

  “Cut the crap,” Em says, taking on my old role. “Tell us your true feelings, Lottie. It’s us.”

  I sigh, knowing I wouldn’t have gotten the lies past them anyway. “Yeah, I’m pushing him to date, going as far as making him a profile on the apps, and yeah, it hurts me because I want him, but I can’t have him. And I figured the only way I can have him around as much as he is in good conscience would be to help him out in his romantic life.”

  “But we all know it’s you he wants,” Em says. Stana quickly nods.

  “So? That doesn’t matter. I’m not available and he will get over it quickly. Trust me, I’ve seen the women out there. They’re young, hot, and have no children waiting at home.”

  “Do you hear yourself right now?” Stana says, eyes wide as if she doesn’t know me.

  “Of course I do.”

  “No, Lottie, I don’t think you do.” She sighs. “You sound bloody mental. You want Owen but you’re setting him up on dates despite the fact that he wants you too. It’s only going to end in hurt for everyone involved, trust me.”

  “I know how it seems. Even I think it’s ridiculous, but it’s the only way. I have a newborn—I can’t date right now. Even having this conversation feels utterly ridiculous. Owen’s a twenty-eight-year-old stunner who plays in a band. I’m sure he’s never waited too long to find someone, and I won’t make him wait for me. Because that’s all he would be doing, waiting.”

  Both girls shake their heads, clearly disagreeing, but they say nothing. I know deep down what I’m doing isn’t normal. But look at the situation I’m in. None of this shit is normal. I’m just trying to make the best out of it.

  An hour later I’m walking out of Saint Street when I call Owen, hoping I’m catching him on a break. Rosie is fast asleep in her pram, so I decide to circle the block a few times, not eager to wake her.

  “Hey,” he answers.

  “Hey, you. Is this an okay time?”

  “Yeah, it is actually. Just finished up in a meeting.”

  “Awesome, well, I just wanted to see if you were keen to come to dinner tonight. I’m thinking of finally cooking something. Be warned there is a chance you could get food poisoning.”

  He chuckles through the line and I can’t help but smile. Something about the husky laugh warms my insides.

  “So, is that a yes?”

  “Uh…” He pauses, suddenly reluctant. “I can’t come tonight—I’ve got plans—but what about tomorrow?”

  “Ooh, hot date?” I tease as I walk by the cupcake shop, my feet forcing me to keep moving.

  “Well, actually I’m getting drinks with Zoey, the girl from the app you set me up on.” His voice is hesitant and I can practically imagine how his face looks. Probably how mine does. Despite the digging feeling in my chest, I try to be happy for him.

  “Lottie?” he asks, getting my attention.

  “That’s amazing! I’m glad you’re taking my advice and putting yourself out there,” I lie with false cheer. My hands dig into the material on the pram.

  “It’s not that big of a deal. You know I’d rather hang with you and Rosie. Why don’t I just cancel and we can hang out?”

  And there it is. The reason why he needs to do this. I can’t give him a relationship right now; I honestly can’t give him much in general. It would be all too easy and selfish to get him to cancel the date, like I’m sure he’s canceled many in the past because of me. But I need to take a leaf out of Owen’s book and put others before myself.

  “No way, you’re going on this date. And anyway, I’ll probably be too tired to cook tonight. We both know I’m ordering.” I try to lighten the mood with the rest of our conversation, but there’s an unspoken feeling between us I can’t shake.

  I know if I sat down I would be able to see what that feeling is in a second, but the little bitch inside of me refuses to dissect things. For the first time in my life, I’m willing to live in ignorance.

  I can’t sleep that night. I try pinning it on the glass of wine I had after I put Rosie down, but these days that knocks me out faster than anything. I know it’s because I’m stressing over Owen’s date. Wondering if she’s amazing, what she loves to do for fun. I’m sure she’s spontaneous and can drop everything in a second to go out.

  I used to be that girl.

  But as much as I want to feel sorry for myself, I just can’t. Rosie is my world now and I wouldn’t change it for a thing. I won’t even let myself be pitied.

  It isn’t until he calls me the next morning that I find out his date was a bust. Apparently she only cared about his band and nothing else. But instead of doing a mini dance, I push him to keep dating. Exploring all options.

  And so he does. Once every few weeks for the next three months until we hit July, Owen occasionally goes out, always coming home saying it didn’t work out.

  Until one day in July everything changes.

  July

  Rosie is nearing four months old. Every day she gets bigger, more curious and engaging. And every day I grow to love her a little more than before. Life isn’t perfect, but it is surprisingly easier than the first few months.

  She has found a sleeping schedule, now only waking up once or twice in the night for milk. The lack of a full sleep no longer bothers me, my body adjusting to her schedule. I still manage to see everyone, not as much as before, but still quite frequently, Rosie being such a good little girl that she will go almost anywhere, not making a sound of complaint. The fear and anxiety I’ve had over her first year of life has proven to be slightly irrational. Sure, we’ve had hard times, but for the most part it’s amazing. My life didn’t stop when she was born like I thought it might; in fact, it’s better than ever.

  So when Owen comes over one afternoon, telling me he’s met someone, suddenly all the fear I’d had about wanting to be with him just vanishes. In its place, the feeling of pure loss hits me.

  “So tell me about her,” I say, pouring my tea. For the past three months Owen has gone on a handful of dates, none of them panning out to anything, but today it was different.

  Grinning ear to ear, he graciously takes the cup from me. His gaze latches onto mine as he speaks. I try to steady my shaking hand, not wanting to spill the hot liquid everywhere. Despite it being warm in the flat, I grab the nearest blanket and cover my bottom half as I turn to him.

  My fingers weave in and out of the knit material as he talks, his face lighting up with each word.

  “Well, she’s in her mid-twenties, highly intelligent, absolutely stunning.” He pauses, pointing to the plate of biscuits. I nod for him to have one, not able to speak for the knife that’s been shoved into my chest. Through all his words, I remember I did this.

  “Anyway, yeah, she’s great. Good banter, we get along like a house on fire, plus she’s got a great group of friends.”

  “Wow, she sounds amazing,” I manage to whisper, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.

  He takes a bite out of the biscuit, nodding, his eyes not leaving mine. “You’ve got no idea,” he confirms.

  I swallow a few times before biting the side of my cheek, attempting not to cry in front of him. This whole thing is so ridiculous, I’ve pushed him to this and now I’m going to have a meltdown because he finally did what I’
ve been telling him to do for months. What a fucking psycho I am.

  “You okay?” he asks casually before sipping his tea. I just nod and give him a tight smile.

  “So, how long ago did you meet?” I croak out. From what he’s saying it already seems serious.

  “It’s actually just come up on a year.”

  A year? And he never mentioned her to me.

  Despite what I’m sure is a look of astonishment on my face, Owen keeps talking, his voice animated.

  “I could tell she was hesitant at first, and she’s got some baggage, but I’ve just come to realize none of that matters. You see, I can read her like a book and have managed to know when she’s bullshitting me. So, I decided to just take charge.”

  “Yeah,” I respond, not sure if I’m even listening anymore. He’s known this girl a year and never mentioned her. The need to cry hits me all over again.

  “Plus, did I mention she has the best little girl in the entire world? Cutest kid, I swear.”

  He’s dating someone with a kid! I stop my mind mid-thought, my head snapping up. A cheeky smile flashes across his face.

  The asshole is talking about me. He’s fucking talking about me!

  “Catching on yet?” he asks, leaning forward, taking my hands in his own. I try to blink away the tears, but he catches one that falls.

  “I can’t keep letting you push me towards other people when we both know the only one each of us wants is right here. Rosie doesn’t take away from you, Lottie. She only adds to everything that makes you incredible.”

  I can’t help but hiccup, my mind catching up to the carnage that was my chest only moments ago. The fucking fear of thinking I’d lost him without fully giving him a chance.

  “You scared me,” I whisper.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, running his hand across my own.

  “No, Owen, you don’t get it,” I whisper, surprised he can still hear me. “It scared me because you mean everything to me.”

  He inhales quickly, appearing to have an internal battle with himself before he clearly says fuck it and rushes toward me. I accept it this time, meeting him halfway as his strong arms lock around me. I inhale his scent, needing that extra reminder that he’s still here, that he’s okay.

  “You mean everything to me too, Lottie. You both do.”

  His breath is warm against my shoulder, comfort overtaking me as I nuzzle closer to him. We stand like this for a few minutes, both seemingly needing the closeness of one another. Owen finally pulls back, looking down at me.

  “Lottie, I know we said if things were different we would give us a shot, but I don’t want them to be different. I don’t want to miss another moment with you because we’re scared of the unknown.”

  “What are you saying, Owen?”

  He shakes his head, smiling. “I’m saying I’m sick of pretending I don’t want more with you. I’ve never met someone more outspoken, honest, and caring than you, and you set my mind on fire constantly. I know it isn’t traditional to start something when you’ve got a newborn, but nothing about us is conventional. I want us to be more, if you’re willing.” He looks me in the eyes, a slight dash of panic on his face, as if he fears I’ll reject him. And who knows, if today had never happened I might not have had the courage to give this a go, but it did.

  “I know this situation isn’t something anyone would sign up for, and I can’t give you everything you deserve,” I begin.

  It’s his turn to hold up his hand, silencing me. “I wouldn’t change this for the world, Lottie. I want to be here; no one is forcing me. I want to be here for you and your daughter, and nothing would make me happier.”

  My throat tightens, tears prickling at my eyes. “You have no idea how much that means to me, Owen. She’ll be lucky to know someone as honorable and strong as you. I’m lucky to know you.”

  “So, is that a yes?”

  I shudder before nodding. My heart clenches at the words, wanting nothing more than to accept him into my life fully, but I know I’m not there yet. He isn’t her dad despite how much I want him to be. Maybe, who knows down the line that could change, but for now I still have to be cautious, not for myself, but for her.

  “My life is a whirlwind of mess and even more clutter than before, but I’m excited for it. And stepping into a relationship is probably the worst idea ever right now, but I can’t seem to say no. So, if you’re sure you can handle it, then I’m willing. But I need you to promise me, if it is ever too much, you tell me. You’re allowed to walk away.”

  “I don’t want to—”

  “I need you to promise me, Owen.”

  He nods. “I promise if it’s too much I’ll walk away.”

  Although the words hurt, they’re what I need to seal the deal. Without thinking of how terrible this idea probably is and that it will probably end in tears before bedtime, I lean forward on my tippy toes, my hands going to Owen’s shoulders. He clues in, wrapping his arms around my waist as I connect my lips to his. It’s every bit as explosive as I expected, every bit as magical. My heart races as I link my fingers through his hair and we invade one another’s senses.

  As if we’ve done it a million times, warmth floods my system as he pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. A cry breaks out from the monitor, alerting us to Rosie’s presence. We break away, laughing, only able to see the hilarity in this weird-ass situation.

  “I guess we’d better get used to that.” He smiles, his hands coming down to rest upon my hips. In that exact moment she begins crying.

  “Shall we?” he asks, pulling me up from the couch with him. I nod, following him into Rosie’s room. She beams at the sight of him.

  “I think she might be obsessed with you,” I whisper as he goes to get her.

  If possible, the smile eating up his face only grows. “The feeling is mutual,” he whispers to her. My chest feels heavy as Owen speaks with such love and care for her.

  Not having to say anything else, he pulls me into him, my head resting upon his shoulder while he cuddles Rosie on his other side. We stand together until Rosie begins to squirm, clearly wanting to have some mat time. Owen leads us over to the floor as we’ve done a million times. Only this time, it’s different. We are different.

  Over the next few days, things between Owen and me just fall into place. Nothing has really changed, our day-to-day routine and interactions still the same, except now there is hand-holding and kissing. Stealing little moments together when Rosie is asleep.

  If the past week has confirmed anything at all, it’s that Owen and I were living the life of two people in a relationship without the benefits.

  I come clean to the girls about Owen and me the day after we get together, not wanting to keep secrets anymore. They understand, telling me they’re surprised it didn’t happen sooner.

  A few days later, while Owen’s at work, I’m waiting for the girls to drop by. Around five on the dot Em and Stana buzz in, their arms filled with presents and food. My eyes instantly lock onto the box of Maltesers and I’m happy. Chocolate will win my heart over any day.

  They each give me a quick hug before rushing over to Rosie, her fist in her mouth as she eyes them both.

  “Look at those rosy cheeks,” Em coos.

  “And that head of hair. What baby is born with blonde hair all over!” Stana throws in.

  “She really is perfect, Lottie,” Stana says as I rip open the chocolate container and shove some Maltesers in my gob.

  “She’s pretty special,” I try to say over all the munching. I think they get the gist due to their grins before they go back to fawning over her.

  “You know,” Em begins, “I was going to say I’m sorry you can’t come see the guys perform tonight, but I think you win for plans. I’d way rather be with this little angel.”

  The guys have a show at Saint Street tonight, and despite Evie offering to babysit, I just didn’t have the energy to leave her.

  “I can’t disagree,” I joke. I walk back into the ki
tchen and place the Maltesers down. “Gals, do you want a drink?”

  “No, I’m okay, thanks,” Stana says.

  “Are the lads keen for the show tonight?” I ask, filling up my own glass before joining them on the couch.

  “I think so,” Stana says, her attention still on Rosie. “I know Owen is bummed you can’t be there, but it’s Owen so of course he understands.”

  “Speaking of Owen,” Em cuts in, “can we get some more clarity on that specific situation?”

  I playfully roll my eyes. “It’s complicated, that’s for sure, but at the same time it’s so easy with him. I mean, does that even make any sense?”

  “Kinda?” Stana says, not looking entirely sure.

  “I guess what I mean is, look at the situation we’re in. I’ve just had a baby; I’ve birthed a literal child and should be in absolutely zero position to be dating, yet I am. Like the situation itself has potential to be extremely messy, but somehow it isn’t.”

  “So, you’re officially a couple now or are you still taking it slow?”

  I look to Em. “Honestly, we’re taking it day by day. Not a whole lot has changed since we first met, except now I guess we are affectionate with one another. I’m so busy with Rosie that I don’t have time to overthink things. The great thing about Owen is he just gets it. Never puts pressure on or anything.”

  “But doesn’t that tell you everything?” Stana grins. “The fact that not a lot has changed since you started your friendship, doesn’t that show you it was more than a friendship to begin with?”

  “She’s not wrong,” Stana says.

  I nod. “I know you’re right. Owen has always given me that emotional support I’ve needed, even when we weren’t together. Plus he’s amazing with Rosie. You really should see him.” I rub my lips together as I think about the trip we took to Hyde Park yesterday. He’s a natural.

  “Oh, trust us,” Em says, “we’ve seen the two of them together. Give Rosie a few years and she and Owen are going to cause you some trouble, Lottie.”