Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  “Let it out,” I said, snaking my hands down his spine. “I wanna hear you.”

  When he came, he groaned deep in his throat and pressed his forehead against the top of my shoulder. I rubbed his back as he rode the waves of pleasure and bucked into me. Once his body started to calm, I took hold of his chin and kissed him.

  “I love you,” I whispered against his lips.

  I could say the words to him a thousand times and it still wouldn’t be enough.

  “I love you, too.” He nuzzled my cheek. “It’s why I’m moving with you. Wherever you’re stationed after you finish training, I’m coming with you.”

  Damn if his words didn’t make me tear up again. Maybe I was too big of a sap, but what the fuck ever.

  “I can’t ask you to leave everything behind for me, Sebastian. You have a career, a home, a life in Emerald Falls.”

  “My life is with you, Cody.” Sebastian caressed my jaw as he looked down at me, his hair falling into his face. I lifted a shaking hand and moved it aside. “I did some research.”

  “Of course you did,” I said, smiling.

  “There are several places you could be stationed, but the most likely ones are either Camp Pendleton in California or Camp Lejeune in North Carolina. Once you finish your specialty training after TBS, they should let you know. I’ve already looked at a few houses in both states. Just in preparation.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. I had gotten the impression he might uproot his life to move wherever I was assigned, but hearing him actually say it took me aback.

  “You’re serious.”

  “Yes, I am.” He rolled off me and gathered me in his arms. We were both sweaty, and our bodies stuck together. “It won’t be difficult for me to find a job. If I don’t find an instructor’s position, perhaps I can find work as a nuclear chemist again.”

  “Won’t that remind you too much of Leon?”

  Sebastian admitted that the reason he quit his previous job and began working as a professor was because he had met Leon at work, and it hurt him too much to have the constant reminder.

  “Perhaps, but many things will always remind me of him.” He glided the tips of his fingers up and down my arm. “Where the grief used to cripple me, it doesn’t anymore. I’ll always love him. And miss him. But I’ve moved on.” He kissed my temple. “I think he’d be happy for me.”

  “It’s probably weird for me to say this, but I wish I could’ve met him,” I said, closing my eyes and burrowing my face into my favorite nook between his neck and shoulder. “If you loved him, he must’ve been special.”

  “He was.” Sebastian’s arm tightened around my shoulders. “I never told you, but the journal you’ve asked me about before? Leon gave it to me. He wrote me letters, sometimes talking about quantum physics and other times talking about us. It’s filled with his thoughts, his life. So I’d still have a piece of him when he was gone. I can’t seem to let it go.”

  “You don’t have to let it go,” I said. “You can love me and still love him, too.”

  I didn’t feel an ounce of jealousy toward Leon anymore. He was a part of Sebastian’s past, and because of him, I was able to love the Sebastian in front of me, one who would be different without Leon’s love.

  Sebastian’s eyes softened, and he touched my bottom lip. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  As his face inched closer, I met him with a kiss. Nothing could take me from him. Not time nor space. He often said I had an energy field around me, but I believed he had one, too. A force that kept pulling us together.

  ***

  Before graduation, every student was required to participate in The War.

  The War was the longest field exercise, lasting for eight days, and included long hikes carrying heavy gear, ambush attacks, and enduring the elements. It was designed to push us to our limits and beyond them, giving us the opportunity to show what we had learned during our six-month training and prove we had what it took to lead Marines into combat someday.

  During The War, we slept in the sticks miles outside of the base, not allowed to return to the barracks for the duration of the exercise. There were night attacks, so at least two of us were always on duty, and we slept in shifts. Not that you could really sleep with your teeth chattering, though. The December air cut right through you.

  We were on day four, and one guy in our platoon had already bailed.

  “Shit, is that snow?” Tristen pointed up at the night sky.

  Shivering, I looked up and groaned at the falling flakes. “Dammit.”

  Quantico fucking sucked in the winter.

  In summer, the heat could melt your face right off, or at least, that’s what it felt like. But in the winter? It didn’t seem like you could wear enough layers. Just a bitter cold that numbed your face and made your nose run, the snot freezing like a goddamn icicle hanging from your nostril.

  I wasn’t sure which was worse.

  “We’re gonna die out here.” Tristen shifted his weight to his other foot and adjusted the rifle on his arm. “We’ll be like that dude at the end of The Shining, frozen in the snow.”

  “Better than quitting,” I said, bouncing a little on my heels. Moving around helped keep me warm. “Man, we’re so damn close. Just gotta pass this exercise and then we get to choose our MOS.”

  MOS was our military occupational specialty. It was what we focused on once joining the Corps.

  “You’re going with combat engineering, yeah?” Tristen glanced at me, and I nodded. “You’ll be in the line of fire a lot, dude, plus be blown up if you aren’t careful. Are you sure?”

  “Every position is dangerous, Tristen. We’re Marines. This is what we do. If it was easy, everyone could do it.” I waved a hand to the dark woods around our camp. “It’s why they do this shit to us. To prepare us for the real world. They want us to fuck up here, so we don’t fuck up out there. We’re cold, tired, hungry, and mentally worn down, but we gotta keep going.”

  Tristen stayed quiet.

  “I miss October,” I said. “Land navigation drills weren’t bad, and the weather didn’t freeze your balls off.”

  “Night land navigation has always sucked, though,” he said, shivering.

  “Nah, it’s like a grownup treasure hunt.”

  “Yeah, one rigged with explosives if you fucked up.”

  My face was so damn numb I couldn’t tell if I was smiling or not.

  As we kept watch, my mind wandered.

  Training had been difficult over the months, but the mental aspect was what surprised me most. During one of the squad tactics, we were placed in a group of ten or so people and did live fire exercises, which involved M16 and M4 assault rifles, grenade launchers, and M249 automatic weapons.

  I would never forget the first time one of the targets was shaped like a person. Up until that point, the targets had been some bullshit object, but a person? It put shit into perspective real fast. What was even more unsettling was how easy it became to shoot them and not think twice about it.

  “Have you thought about your MOS?” I asked Tristen. I was dog tired and felt my eyelids closing. Talking would help me stay awake.

  “Not really. I mean, I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know. I’d like to work on ships. Sometimes I wonder if I would’ve been better in the Navy.”

  Snap.

  Tristen and I exchanged a look before staring out into the trees, readying our weapons. We had real rifles, but they shot blanks instead of actual bullets. But fuck if it still didn’t send my heart racing. Each second that passed seemed like it lasted hours as we waited for another sound, searching the darkness for any signs of movement.

  Nothing else happened.

  “It must’ve been an animal,” Tristen said, sounding relieved.

  The snow continued to fall long past the time we were relieved of our watch and were able to crawl into our sleeping bags. We weren’t even given the luxury of a tent, just sleeping on the
cold, hard ground. In the fucking snow.

  When I woke the next morning, I lay in my sleeping bag and listened to how quiet the woods were around us. My nose was frozen, and my head felt like something had slammed into it over and over again. The quiet reminded me of Sebastian. He would love something like this—not the training, but going somewhere for a few days, away from everyone.

  The Marine Corps Ball was a month ago, and I hadn’t been able to see him since then. It would be one hell of a homecoming once I was able to, though. The thought helped push me up to my feet.

  Another day of this shit. Then more after that.

  When I stood up and surveyed the area, I couldn’t even see the ground. Just blankets of snow, weighing down the tree branches and covering every inch of the grass and dirt.

  Unlike the other exercises, The War had little to no instructor interference. They wanted to see how we reacted on our own and how we worked out tactical problems when given certain objectives. The only time we really saw them was when they came to give orders. Throughout the week, each member of the platoon was given the chance to demonstrate their skills by being assigned as billet holder.

  I had my turn two days ago. Today was Tristen’s turn.

  “Fucking perfect,” Tristen said, scrubbing his hands over his face. “Navigating in the goddamn snow will be interesting.”

  For the past four days, we had been out in the wilderness, hiking and battling the opposing platoon of ‘enemies.’ But now we had a new objective: travel to the marked location on the map and lead the platoon in a daylight ambush patrol.

  The snow was still coming down. The blinding white would make this exercise even harder, giving us few places to hide and showing our tracks. It was also freezing-ass cold.

  Our success for the mission all depended on Tristen’s ability to lead us. We were allowed to assist him, of course, and discuss best plans of action, but it was ultimately up to him as our leader.

  After we packed up our gear, we headed out. Navigation was hard in the snow. It was easy to get turned around and lose track of our position. Hours passed as we hiked toward the location. We took a wrong turn once and went off course, but we soon got back on track. When we finally arrived, Tristen halted us and we squatted down, trying to conceal ourselves as best as we could in the trees.

  A path was up ahead, not far from where we were hidden. The enemy force was somewhere around us. We couldn’t see them, but it was quiet. Too quiet. I had a gut feeling that something was off. The snow had stopped falling, at least.

  “Listen up,” Tristen said, turning to face us. “I believe they’re using this trail to operate. We’re going to split up into two groups. One group will go around and camp out at the far left, watching for them. The others will stay here and watch. That way, we’ll be able to ambush from two directions.”

  He sounded confident, but I saw the uneasy gleam in his eyes.

  Ever since his panic attack during the paintball match last year, he hadn’t had another episode. We had completed several patrols together and ambushed groups with our assigned fire team, and he had been fine. Nerves were normal. I just hoped he was able to pull himself together.

  Tristen held out his hand, preparing to give the signal.

  “Wait,” I said.

  He turned back. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. Just something doesn’t feel right.”

  The flank maneuver was a common technique for this kind of ambush. Other groups had done the same in months past. But what if that was the test? They expected us to use this technique, so they might have a plan in place to defend against it.

  “I can do this, Miller.” Tristen’s sharp tone was unexpected. “I’m the billet of this unit right now, and I don’t need you questioning my orders. Got it?”

  My jaw went slack. “Yes, sir.”

  I knew his defensiveness came from being questioned in front of the platoon. He didn’t want them to think he was a weak leader. I understood that. And maybe I was an asshole for doing so, but still. My gut told me we were about to be in some deep shit.

  Tristen gave the signal, and the first group left the coverage area and advanced farther into the woods to take position on the other side. It was so quiet you could hear their boots crunching in the snow. I couldn’t explain it, but it felt like we were being watched. The hair on my nape stood on end, and nerves coiled in the pit of my stomach.

  I held my rifle, focusing on the task at hand. Each breath was measured as I stared at the path ahead. This might be an exercise, but it would be real someday.

  A half hour passed with no movement.

  “Do you hear that?” I asked Tristen.

  “I don’t hear anything.”

  “Exactly.”

  Three men appeared on the path. They were from the opposing team, walking almost at a leisurely stroll. Tristen gave the signal, and we got into position. That strange feeling wouldn’t let up on me. Why were there only three?

  Right before Tristen sprang the ambush, gunfire sounded from behind us.

  A trap.

  While our focus had been on the men on the trail, the rest of the enemy force had surrounded us from behind.

  I jumped up and shot at one person before ducking out of the way from another. Pops from rifles and the blaze from machine guns erupted in the snowy woods, cutting through the quiet. Even though they were blanks, they still sounded like real bullets and could still be dangerous if shot too close to the body.

  There were too many enemies closing in on us, and with Tristen separating our battalion, we were outnumbered.

  Tristen fucking froze. He stared at the men rushing us and looked so much like he did last year when I carried him away from the paintball match.

  “Come on!” I shouted, raising my rifle and firing off a few shots.

  A guy popped up behind Tristen, and I acted on impulse. I pushed my friend out of the way and took the hit myself. Once I was ‘killed,’ I was out of the exercise and had to sit out. It didn’t take long for it to end.

  Afterward, Captain Glover—who had been observing the exercise—approached Tristen. “You led your men into the wrong area,” he said, pointing at the trail. “Your navigation was off, and instead of taking them by surprise, you walked right into their den. You didn’t even scout the area first. I sat back here waiting for you to notice the unit flanking you from behind. If these were real bullets, you would’ve just gotten your entire platoon killed.”

  I had never seen Tristen look so devastated.

  He said very little for the rest of the day.

  On the last day of The War, there was a live fire event. Instead of fighting another platoon, our unit stormed a defended hilltop and shot at targets that popped up on the uneven range, using live ammunition. Although intense, it was fucking exciting. I enjoyed the adrenaline rush of it.

  Afterward, the field exercise was over and we had to trek six miles back to Camp Barrett. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the hundred and ten pounds of gear on my back and the past week of hunger, endless walking, and sleepless nights.

  I crashed when we got back and was dead to the world.

  ***

  Tristen and I were in the barracks days later. He sat beside me in my bunk, and his solemn expression didn’t bode well.

  “What happened?” I asked, once the silence got to be too much.

  “They cut me from the course.” Tristen put his hands together and balanced his chin on them, just like he used to do in the dorm room. It made him appear younger.

  “They cut you?” I flipped around toward him. “But we’re about to graduate. What the actual fuck? Why?”

  “I think I’m going to still graduate,” he said, his voice soft. “But they’re making me take a bunch of remedial courses first. Captain Glover pulled me aside when we got back and said he saw me freeze out there. Fuck, I’m not good at infantry.”

  “Every Marine is a rifleman,” I said, repeating the motto I’d heard
several times since joining the program. No matter your specialty, every Marine was given basic combat training. We were considered to be riflemen above anything, and our MOS came second to that. “What are you going to do?”

  “Maybe go into administration, if they’ll let me.” Tristen drew his knees up and leaned against the wall. His bottom lip quivered as he looked at me. “I could’ve gotten you killed, Cody. When I was being shot at and froze, you jumped in front of me and took the fire. If that was real, I’d be going to your fucking funeral right now. I’m not cut out for this.”

  Nothing I said would make him feel better. I had seen the signs but believed he would pull through. This life wasn’t for everyone.

  Barry had said several of the Marines he was deployed with got out of the Corps as soon as their contracts were up. They didn’t look back.

  “Before they left, they said, ‘Eat the Apple.’ Ya know what that means, boy?” Barry had asked. I shook my head. “Means ‘Fuck the Corps.’ Do your time and get out.”

  “Then why are you here?” I asked. “You served your time and agreed to a warrant officer commission.”

  “Because this is home. No other civilian job compares to this.”

  Home. One word that had multiple meanings to different people. The Corps was Barry’s home, but mine was wherever Sebastian was. I owed five years of active duty to the Corps, and the three after that would be served in the reserves. Once I was done, I didn’t know if I would sign on for more.

  It was too soon to say.

  Chapter 25

  Sebastian

  We had just moved into our new home in Jacksonville, North Carolina. Cody was stationed at Camp Lejeune, and our house was only fifteen or so minutes away, which had worked out perfectly.

  The past several months had flown by so fast they began to blur together. Cody had graduated The Basic School, and at his graduation, I had never been prouder of him. The ceremony had been amazing, and he’d looked too damn handsome dressed in his uniform. Then, he’d been sent to three more months of school for his MOS training. He was going to be a combat engineering officer.