Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  He was more worried about me during his deployment than he was for himself. It said so much about him.

  “Finish peeling the potatoes.” I kissed his temple and stepped away. The oven beeped as it reached the right temperature, and I placed the chicken inside. “How was your day?”

  “Not bad.” Cody peeled and chopped the rest of the potatoes before adding water to the pan and placing it on the stove.

  Once the potatoes were boiled, Cody mashed them by hand instead of using the mixer. He said a stand mixer broke down the starch and gave them a gummy texture. I thought they tasted fine either way, but I wasn’t going to question him. Not when he was in a strange mood. He added a ton of butter before heating milk in the microwave and pouring it into the pan, too.

  Over dinner, we spoke very little. I didn’t like it. He wasn’t even gone yet, but I felt like he was already pulling away from me.

  “Have you talked to Tristen lately?” I asked.

  “Yeah, he’s living the good life down in California.” Cody moved the peas around on his plate before scooping them up with the mashed potatoes and eating them together.

  Tristen was stationed at Camp Pendleton in Southern California. They mostly had him doing administrative jobs.

  “How is Blake settling in? He moved there a month or so ago, didn’t he?”

  “Tristen said Blake hates it there,” Cody answered, sounding just as detached from the conversation as he looked. He stood from the table, dumped his scraps in the trash, and rinsed off his plate. “I’m gonna go for a run.”

  “But you just got home.”

  “Yeah, and now I’m leaving again.” Cody walked out of the kitchen. He changed into sweats and a tank and came back, sitting on the couch to put on his sneakers. “Won’t be gone long.”

  The front door opened and closed, and then there was silence.

  I had a feeling I would soon become all too familiar with the quiet of an empty house.

  Chapter 26

  Cody

  Something was wrong with me. Ever since I found out I was getting deployed, something had come over me. It was like I had dissociated from everything. My relationship with Sebastian had turned rocky, and I lashed out at him verbally a few times. He didn’t deserve that shit.

  Before the deployment, I was required to attend briefings, go through additional training, and be evaluated medically. I didn’t see Sebastian much during that time, and I had come home late a lot. After all that, they gave me a few days of leave to prepare for the deployment, and fuck if that didn’t put more into perspective.

  I had to make sure all my affairs were in order, financially and personally. I had to make a will, which sucked. All I really had to my name was my truck, but my name was on the deed to the house, too, even though Sebastian had paid for it.

  Two days before I left, I went for another run. I seemed to do nothing but run these days.

  My mind was jumbled, and running usually helped me. It didn’t this evening, though. If anything, it shook me up even more. After running laps around the park, I jogged to a bench and planted my ass there, not ready to go home. It made no sense, because the only place I wanted to be was home. But it was hard, for some reason. Everything felt wrong. Too temporary.

  When I returned home, Sebastian was in his study with the door closed.

  Not wanting to bother him, I showered and hopped into bed. It was too early to sleep, but I was tired enough that I might just fall asleep anyway. I turned on The 100 on Netflix, mainly for background noise because I hated the quiet in the room.

  Hours later, I woke with a start.

  I sat up in bed, noticing the TV had shut off due to inactivity. The spot beside me was cold. Sebastian hadn’t made it to bed yet. I checked the time on my phone and saw it was one in the morning.

  I slid out of bed, and a rush of cool air hit my blanket-warmed skin. I was going to find Sebastian and drag his ass to bed. I was cranky and cold, but my desire to have him beside me outweighed that. The hardwood floor was cool beneath my bare feet as I walked down the hall toward his study. Light shone from under the closed door.

  Was he still working?

  I opened the door and entered the room, finding Sebastian asleep at his desk. A part of me cracked, seeing him that way. I had been in my head a lot lately, and so had he. Except where I ran a lot when I needed an escape, Sebastian drowned himself in work.

  It worried me to think how he’d be when I was gone. When I first met him nearly two years ago, he had good and bad days. Some mornings when he had walked into class, he’d looked like a walking corpse. He had always looked so tired, the kind of tired that reached deeper than physical.

  Would he revert back to that in the months I wasn’t here?

  After walking toward him, I gently shook his shoulders.

  “Sebastian?”

  He grumbled and turned his head to the other side. His glasses sat lopsided on his nose.

  As carefully as I could, I slid an arm around him and picked him up. He was taller than me, so it was a challenge to carry him, but I managed. It helped that he was so lanky. Once in our bedroom, I laid him down and removed his glasses before pulling the blanket up over him. I got back into bed, and in an instant, his arm was around me and bringing me to his chest.

  His face rested at my nape, his breaths tickling a little, and then he kissed my neck and shifted closer. I thought he was awake, but then he softly snored in my ear.

  Closing my eyes, I focused on the rising and falling of his chest as he breathed. My deployment would be for nine months. Being away from home—away from him—for that long hurt my heart.

  I wasn’t ready to leave him.

  The next morning, I woke to Sebastian kissing my neck. I cracked open my eyelids, smiling sleepily at him. His hair swooped in the front, messy from the crazy way he had slept, and his eyes were alight with desire.

  “Good morning, handsome.”

  “Hey,” I said.

  My morning wood tented my boxers. He pressed his body against mine and kissed me. His hands gripped the sides of my face, and mine twisted in his hair. This was the last morning we’d be able to do this—take our time exploring each other’s bodies. He had taken leave from work to spend these last few pre-deployment days with me, so we had nowhere to be.

  Being with Sebastian—our legs tangled together under the sheets as we kissed, bit, and fucked—was heaven on earth.

  He thrust slow, but deep, making damn sure I wouldn’t forget the feel of him anytime soon. I had my arms around him, digging my fingertips into his shoulder blades as he grazed his teeth down my neck. Pressure built inside me and intensified as his dick nudged my prostate.

  “Fuck, baby. Just like that.”

  Sebastian angled his hips to hit me in that sweet spot over and over again. I stared up into his eyes as he moved a hand between our bodies and stroked me in sync with his thrusts.

  “I’m gonna come,” I panted, my muscles starting to tense. “Ah, fuck.”

  My orgasm rocked through me, and I cried out so loudly my voice cracked. Sebastian continued to pump into my ass, chasing his own high, and I clutched onto him, leaning up to kiss his throat. He liked when I did that.

  “Cody.”

  Just one word, but it held so much behind it. All the things he couldn’t say. He faltered in his rhythm and rested his head on my collarbone, his deep groans reaching my ears like the sweetest of melodies as he came.

  He held me afterward, tighter than usual. Kisses were pressed to my forehead as he glided a hand along my bicep.

  “I’m sorry for how I’ve acted lately,” I said.

  “I understand.” Another kiss to my head, as though he wanted to fit nine months’ worth of kisses into a single morning. “I haven’t been at my best, either.”

  “When I think about being away from you for that long, it’s hard to breathe sometimes.” I nuzzled his chest. “Like this right here, feeling your heart beating and smelling your skin, I’m gonna mi
ss it.”

  “Me too.” Sebastian’s hand moved on my arm, soft and comforting. “But I’m proud of you, Cody. You’re doing what you love.” He lightly chuckled before asking, “Do they still call Marines devil dogs?”

  I snorted. “I think some might, but when I was in TBS, a dude had devil dog tattooed on his bicep and sported it like he was some kinda badass. He got so much shit for it that he ended up going out and getting it covered.”

  “What about butter bar?”

  “Have you been researching us or something?” I asked, laughing. “They call my rank a butter bar because the insignia for second lieutenants is a gold bar on a brown sleeve braid.”

  “So, I can’t call you a butter barred devil dog?”

  It was rare for Sebastian to make jokes, but I knew why he was doing it. He didn’t want one of our last conversations for a while to be such a downer. I felt the same. So, I smiled.

  “You can call me whatever you want,” I said, leaning up to brush my lips along his jaw. “But I prefer Mr. Miller.”

  “Hey, that’s Second Lieutenant Cody Miller of the Second Combat Engineering Battalion,” he said matter-of-factly. “You’re much more than just a mister now.”

  “I’ll always be your mister.”

  Sebastian’s expression softened. “Just as I’ll be yours.”

  We spent most of the morning in bed. The only thing that would’ve pulled my ass out of it would’ve been a fire. Then again, we set the sheets ablaze all on our own, giving our bodies time to recoup before coming together again.

  When we finally got up and showered, it was late in the afternoon. We cooked and drank coffee and constantly touched in one way or another; our feet under the table as we ate, our hands as we sat on the couch afterward, our lips when we couldn’t stand the distance any longer.

  I didn’t want to waste another moment with Sebastian. The next nine months were going to be devoted solely to my mission, with little room for anything else, and I knew I would look back and hate myself for not making the most of my time with him.

  “Will you play for me?” I asked, after we had eaten dinner.

  “Of course.” Sebastian walked over to the piano and pulled out the bench to sit down. “What would you like to hear?”

  “Anything.” I leaned against the wall beside him, crossing my arms. He was too handsome, even with slightly disheveled hair and wearing the wrinkled shirt he had slept in. Maybe it made him even more so. “I just want to hear you. It’s been a while since you’ve played.”

  “Very well.”

  He positioned his hands over the keys and started to play. I didn’t recognize the song, but it was beautiful. It started out with a single chord, then a pause, and then it was followed by a higher note. Another chord. The melody was in minor, and the pace began slowly before gradually getting faster.

  I listened as he played, saying nothing until he was finished.

  “What was that?”

  “The Seasons by Tchaikovsky,” he said, glancing up at me. “It’s the autumn song. Do you like it?”

  “Yeah, I do. But why so sad?”

  “I don’t see it as sad. I think it’s soothing.” Sebastian pressed a few keys before going into a slow chord progression. “Though, I suppose the song is somewhat tarnished now. It was the one I played when I first met Emily.”

  “It’s not tarnished.” I sat on the edge of the piano bench, leaning against his side. “Because now you’ve played it for me.”

  He smiled and touched his head to mine. “I never knew what it was like to have my soul set on fire until I looked into your eyes.”

  “Damn, babe. If you weren’t already my fiancé, you would’ve wooed me right there.”

  “Wooed?” Sebastian’s smile grew wider. “Seems someone has been reading too many classics.”

  “Impossible. You can never read too many.”

  We turned out the lights and went up to bed, but I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon. Sebastian traced the edge of my jaw before doing the same to my lips. I grabbed his hand and kissed his knuckles. Even in the dark, I saw how his eyes didn’t leave my face.

  Mine didn’t leave his, either.

  “You should sleep,” he said, after what was probably hours but only felt like minutes.

  “I know.” Yet, I didn’t close my eyes. When I did, I would fall asleep and wake up tomorrow morning having to leave him. I wanted to hold on to the present a little longer. “Will you kiss me?”

  “You really need to ask, Mr. Miller?”

  Tears filled my eyes as I smiled. “Yeah.”

  Sebastian moved forward, touching our lips together. The kiss was gentle, but it jostled my heart and sent me into action. I shifted closer to him, pushing my tongue into his mouth.

  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

  ***

  Shakespeare wrote that ‘parting is such sweet sorrow.’ That was just the pretty way of saying it fucking sucked to be away from the person you loved. The whole morning before I left, I was a bundle of nerves, and with it was a weight of sadness that slowly crushed the center of my chest.

  The sendoff took place at Camp Lejeune. It was so early in the morning that it was still kind of dark outside. Marines stood with their families, lingering as long as they could before we had to board the bus and leave. For some, it was their second, third, and fourth deployment. But for others, like me, it was the first.

  Buses were parked in front of the lawn where we all stood saying goodbye. Engines rumbled, and headlights shone ahead.

  Anthony, another combat engineer I had become good friends with since my station assignment, stood with his fiancée. She had her arms around his neck and her head on his chest. He kissed the top of her head, rubbing a hand up and down her back.

  A little girl clung onto her Marine mom’s neck, not wanting to let go.

  There were others who hugged their parents and some who held their children, kissing their chubby faces. Many of the kids were still babies. First steps would be missed on the deployment, maybe even first words. Birthdays.

  I stood with Sebastian, holding his hand as I faced him. I brushed his swooping bangs aside before kissing him. He gripped my waist, and when he pulled back from the kiss, he rested his forehead to mine. I inhaled the scent of his skin, a soft spice that belonged to only him. Fuck, it was only nine months, but what if I forgot this smell?

  I buried my face in his neck.

  “Remember, don’t worry about me,” he said. “I promise to take care of myself while you’re away.”

  “Okay.” I tightened my hold. “We can Skype as soon as I’m settled and able to.”

  I wasn’t allowed to use my cell phone for security reasons, and the cost of long-distance calls would be outrageous anyway. But I was allowed to have my laptop and use the phones they had at camp to call home if I wanted.

  Somewhere behind me, a kid started crying. I turned to see a little boy, maybe five or six, wearing a camo uniform and stretching his arms out toward his dad, who was leaving to board the bus. The dad didn’t turn around. I doubt he would have been able to leave if he did.

  Sebastian hugged me closer and pressed his lips to my temple.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I love you, too.” I straightened up, keeping my head held high, and stepped back a little. “I have to go.”

  He didn’t say anything. He just nodded and kept his eyes on me.

  Turning away from him, my legs felt heavy. Each step toward the bus was like stepping in wet concrete. It was hard to move. Hard to breathe. A small part of me began to panic as I wondered if this was the last time I’d see him. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I blinked them away.

  I stepped onto the bus and walked down the aisle, plopping down in a seat and scooting toward the window. Families stood on the lawn, waving at us, some smiling and others crying.

  Sebastian stood in the same spot, hands in his pockets and staring up at me.

  The panic heightened
, and I put a hand to my chest as my heart felt like it was about to explode. My skin prickled, and I fought the urge to stand up and run to him. In a matter of minutes, the bus would pull out of the lot and take us to the airfield, taking me away from my home. Away from him.

  I can’t do this.

  “Bye, Daddy!” a little girl screamed, waving her hands in the air.

  The same little boy who had cried for his dad earlier now stood by his mom, wiping his tearstained cheeks.

  I looked at Sebastian again. His gentle smile started to falter, but then he straightened his spine and put on a brave face. I appreciated that.

  As the last Marine boarded the bus and took her seat across from me, the doors closed.

  I held up a hand to Sebastian as we started to drive away. He waved, and as some of the children began running after the bus, he stayed still. Just like time did.

  And right before the bus turned the corner and blocked him from sight, I finally saw his face crumble.

  Chapter 27

  Sebastian

  Jared had been right when he said being away from the one you loved was the equivalent of spinning round and round. Ever since Cody left, I’d done nothing but spin. The days following his deployment, I had grieved. I knew it was silly and that he would come back home eventually, but I couldn’t help myself.

  I started sleeping in his shirts just so I could pretend he was with me. It helped a little, but not nearly enough. His side of the bed was still cold. The house seemed so empty, as if it, too, was mourning his absence.

  I flipped through his favorite books sometimes in the evening, shaking my head at the dog-eared pages. Didn’t he know how to use bookmarks? But then I opened The Iliad, one of his favorite classics that he had read numerous times, and saw he had used a photo of us from the Marine Corps Birthday Ball to mark a page.