Beautiful Sacrifice

by Jamie McGuire

  Taylor noticed my reaction and reached for my hand. "Hey," he whispered, "you okay?"

  "She probably had to work, huh?" Travis asked, looking to Trenton.

  "Always," Trenton said, readjusting the sack in his arms.

  All the air was pushed from my lungs, and salty tears fell down my cheeks. I'd fought to keep my emotions under control for years, but I hadn't been prepared to see her in that moment. Her innocent voice rang in my ears. Of the hundreds of scenarios that had played in my head, Olive walking up behind me with Taylor's brother hadn't been one of them.

  Whatever my expression was, Taylor seemed concerned, and he tightly held my hand.

  Jim noticed, too, but he forced some small talk. "So, I guess you're not hungry."

  "Hi, Olive," Abby said. "What's in the sacks?"

  Olive's little legs rushed over to Abby, and she fumbled to open one of the sacks.

  "Oh!" Abby said, her eyes bright as she looked back up at Olive. "Yummy! Your mom is going to strangle Trent!"

  Travis leaned over to see inside the sack, and he chuckled. "That's a lot of candy, Olive."

  "It's not all fow me," she said simply.

  Trenton reached for Olive, summoning her back to his side. "We just swung by the store to pick up a few things you were out of, Dad. Liza is home. I'm going to drop off Olive, and then I'm heading to The Red to see Cami."

  "Sounds good," Jim said, his fork poking around on his plate. "You guys still liking the apartment?"

  "Domestic bliss," Trenton said with a wide grin.

  He set the sack down in the kitchen and unloaded a few items. Then he led Olive down the hall by the hand. They were discussing something. He was looking down at her, and she up at him.

  I realized I was still turned around, gripping the top edge of the back of the chair.

  She was walking away. I felt sick.

  "Falyn, are you okay?" Taylor asked, genuine concern in his voice.

  I reached for the glass of water and took a gulp. "I think I'm just so tired from not sleeping much last night and then traveling today."

  "Take the water with you," Jim said. "Flying dehydrates you. I never sleep well the night before a trip either."

  I thanked Travis and Abby for dinner, and then I excused myself from the table, water glass in hand. Taking two stairs at a time, I rushed down the hall and pushed through the bedroom door, setting the glass on the dresser before crawling onto the mattress, curling into the fetal position.

  No matter how much air I pulled into my lungs, it didn't seem like enough. My heart was buzzing like a hummingbird in my chest, and my head was spinning. I begged myself to pull it together, but the harder I tried to fight the overwhelmed, panicked feeling, the worse it became.

  "Falyn?" Taylor said, slowly opening the door. He was appalled at the sight of me, and he set the plate of leftovers on the dresser by the door. "Christ, you're white as a sheet." He sat next to me, taking my water and brushing my bangs from my face. "No wonder your parents didn't want you coming here. Whatever you're trying to do, you're not ready for it."

  I shook my head.

  "Take a drink," Taylor said, helping me up and then reaching for the glass on the dresser. He placed it in my hands.

  I took a sip. "I'm okay," I said finally.

  "No, goddamn it, you're not okay. This isn't okay."

  I took another drink and then blew out a breath. "Really. This is stupid. I'm fine."

  Taylor frowned. "In the beginning, I knew that if I let myself get too close, I was going to get burned. I'll be damned if you're not the one trying to keep me at arm's length."

  "Maybe I'm the one saving you."

  He shook his head. "Quit trying to push me away, Falyn. I'm not leaving. I'm going to stay here until I'm on fire."

  "Stop," I said simply. "You need to stop."

  His expression softened. "I can't. I've never needed anyone until I met you."

  Our eyes met, but I had no words to offer. Taylor made me feel safe, the same feeling I imagined that Kirby felt when walking down a dark alley with Gunnar. It was the kind of safety you might feel with a superhero.

  "I need you, too," I whispered.

  "I know," he said, looking down.

  "No. I don't mean, I need your help. I mean, you."

  He looked up at me with hope in his eyes.

  His protection didn't make me weak. It just reminded me that I was valued. I wasn't the worthless girl who lived in the reflection of my parents' eyes. Taylor was a hero, but that didn't mean he saw me as a victim. Someone who made you feel safe and strong at the same time could only be a good thing. That wasn't something a girl like me could ignore.

  He nodded toward the door. "What was that about? Downstairs."

  "I just wasn't prepared."

  "For what?"

  "For her. I'm okay now."

  "You sure?" he asked, touching my knee.

  "Why was Olive with Trent?" I asked.

  Taylor shrugged. "He watches her sometimes for Shane and Liza."

  "Your twenty-something brother, covered in tattoos, watches Olive? How did that come about?"

  "Falyn--"

  "Just," I snapped, "please answer."

  "I'm ... not really sure. Trenton's a good guy. Shane and Trent get along. Since Olive's brother died ..."

  "Austin. You can say his name."

  Taylor shifted, uncomfortable. "Since Austin died, Shane and Liza have been seeing a therapist. They needed help to get through it, and with Olive to take care of, they were worried about being good parents. They go to therapy together, and then they have a date night twice a month."

  "They couldn't find a nice high school girl to watch her?" I asked, my voice growing shrill with each question.

  "Trenton would kill anyone who tried to hurt Olive. He'd take a bullet for her. Shane and Liza know that. They won't find a better sitter than Trent. It's weird, I know. But Trent's lost someone, too. Olive is his best friend."

  "A little girl is your brother's best friend? You don't find that odd?"

  "No, because I know my brother, and I know their story."

  I took in a deep breath.

  "Falyn, you're not going to go over there, are you? They don't know you're here, and I don't think you can handle it."

  I shook my head.

  Taylor was quiet for a while, and then he sighed. "You can tell me. My feelings won't change. Was it you?"

  "Was it me what?"

  "I don't know much about it. I mean ... I only know the little bit Dad and Trent told me. I know it was an accident. I know no one was arrested. I can see you wanting their forgiveness, but, Falyn ... they might not be ready to give it to you."

  I didn't have a response.

  "Are you the one who ... you know ... the one who hit Austin? Were you driving?"

  My eyes filled with tears, and I looked down.

  Taylor draped his arm across my shoulders, his hand cupping my upper arm and squeezing me to his side. "It's okay. It was an accident."

  "It wasn't an accident," I said, wiping my eyes.

  I looked up at Taylor, and his brown irises bounced from one of my eyes to the other.

  He hesitated. "What do you mean?"

  "It wasn't me. I didn't take their son, Taylor. I gave them my daughter."

  Taylor recoiled, pulling his hand away.

  "You thought I was the one who hit and killed Olive's brother, Austin?" When he didn't speak, I continued, "Now, it makes sense when you mentioned earlier that I didn't drive."

  "What the hell are you talking about?" he asked.

  "I'm not here because of Austin. It's Olive."

  He wrinkled his nose. "Olive?"

  "My parents didn't want anyone to know about her because of my father's plans. My father was the mayor in Colorado Springs. He decided to run for governor of Colorado in the next election."

  "So, this year," Taylor said, unhappy. "What does that have to do with Shane and Liza ... or Olive? I'm really fucking confused r
ight now. You're saying a lot, but you're not telling me anything."

  I wiped a tear that had escaped down my cheek. "She's ... mine."

  Taylor stared at me as if I were on fire. "But she's, like ... a kindergartner." He shook his head. "How does no one know about this? I don't understand how you've kept it a secret all this time."

  "My parents know. And Phaedra and Chuck know. A lot of people suspect. There've been rumors. A lot of rumors."

  "Kirby?" he asked.

  I shook my head.

  "That's why your parents were horrified that I was from Eakins. They didn't want it to come out. They didn't want me to bring you here."

  My bottom lip trembled. "They want me to pretend it never happened, that she never happened. They held college over my head, saying that if I didn't sign the papers, I would be throwing my life away. And then," I said, almost breathing the words, "I realized it didn't matter. None of it mattered. I'd already thrown my life away because she was gone."

  He shook his head. "Falyn, I don't know what's going on here, but"--he cringed, already regretting his next words--"Olive wasn't adopted. She is Shane and Liza's daughter. There's been a mistake."

  "You don't believe me?" I asked.

  "It's just that ... this is weird as fuck. I mean, what are the odds? She ends up with a couple from Eakins, who live next door to my dad, and then you and I meet and become friends. I don't want to upset you, but this is wrong. I remember when Shane and Liza moved in. They have baby pictures of Olive on their walls, ones of Liza holding Olive in the hospital. They moved in next door when Olive was two. They've never mentioned that she was adopted."

  "Exactly," I said, wiping my cheek again and pointing at him. "Exactly. It's too perfect. You and I were supposed to meet. This was supposed to happen."

  Taylor's entire face contorted, and he stood. "You're serious. You're really telling me that Olive is your daughter?"

  My mouth fell open. "Didn't you see her? Phaedra says she looks just like me. Think about Shane and Liza. Which one does Olive look like, Taylor?"

  He thought about that for a moment, his eyes glued to the floor. "She does." He looked up at me. "Same eyes. Same hair. Same nose and lips. The chin is different."

  I laughed once without humor. "She has her father's chin."

  He blinked, trying to process what I had said. "But their pictures?"

  "The pictures of Liza and Olive were taken right outside my hospital room. Go over there now, and look. Liza isn't wearing a hospital gown. I can promise you that. I can take you to the birth center at Saint Francis in the Springs. If the pictures show Olive as a newborn in a hospital, those pictures were taken there."

  "It's not that I don't believe you," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's just ... I brought you here. You want to interrupt those people's lives? I'm not okay with that."

  I shook my head. "I wouldn't do that."

  "You know how I feel about you. I mean, you have to know. I'm not sure there's anything I wouldn't do for you. That sounds pathetically inadequate when I say it out loud," he said, disgusted. "But this is ..." He looked away, his voice trailing off. "We can't do this to them."

  "I agree," I said. "I don't want to do anything to them either."

  He paused. "What is the plan, Falyn? I don't think Olive knows she's adopted. You're not going to ..."

  "No. I just ..." I took a deep breath. "My parents made me believe I had no choice, and I've lived with the decision I made. I'll live with it forever, even now while sitting next door. I know she's already suffered loss. I don't want to turn her life upside down twice."

  Taylor looked like he'd been punched in the gut. "They made you give her up?"

  "I didn't tell them I was pregnant. I hid it until Blaire found me. I was on my bathroom floor, on all fours, soaked in sweat and trying not to push. I was barely eighteen."

  The visual disturbed Taylor, and he shifted his weight, unsettled.

  "My mother heard noises coming from my room. She found me and took me to the emergency room." I touched my fingers to my lips. "After Olive was born, I only had a few hours to decide. My parents said if I didn't give her away, I would lose everything. My entire life, I had planned on going to college, having a career, making my parents proud." I choked on my words. "A signature seemed like an easy solution. I didn't understand what I was giving up."

  "How could your parents force that on you? That's fucking atrocious, Falyn."

  The room grew quiet, and suddenly, it was too awkward to talk.

  A sob was caught in my throat, and I swallowed it down. "I went away to college. It's easier to think when someone isn't in your ear all the time. I realized it wasn't what I wanted, but it was too late. I couldn't take Olive from her mother twice. I got sick not long after I started college. I thought it was the stress of everything. So, after a year at Dartmouth, I came home. That's when it happened. Blaire took me to the doctor, and they told me I had developed endometriosis. That was my punishment for what I had done."

  Taylor shook his head, confused. "What does that mean?"

  "I can't have any more kids."

  His eyes fell to the floor as he thought about my words.

  "I left my parents because I was surrounded by the things they'd promised, and I didn't want it ... any of it. I realized that anything I took from them was tarnished. It was all something I'd traded my own child for."

  Taylor reached out for me, but I pulled away.

  "I just wanted to see her," I said. "I can't raise her. I accept that. But I can still be in at least one of her memories. Some days, I think that's the only place where I want to exist."

  Taylor shook his head. "No wonder."

  "No wonder what?" I said, wiping my cheeks with my sleeve.

  "Why you hate your parents so much."

  "I hate myself more," I said, only just realizing this as I said the words aloud.

  He clenched his jaw. "I can't imagine someone making me feel so alone that I would feel like I had to give up my child."

  My eyes stared at nothing as I became lost in the memory. "I held her for just a few precious moments. Her entire body fit in my hands," I said, showing Taylor how tiny she was. "I cried more than she did. I already loved her, and I knew I would never see her again. William wouldn't come into the room. Blaire called him, but he stayed in the hall. He refused to even look at his grandchild, the thing threatening his entire campaign."

  I laughed once. "A baby. She was just a baby. Blaire whispered in my ear as I held Olive, as I cried over her, careful not to let the nurses hear. She said, 'It's called sacrifice. It's the most loving thing you can do for her.' And maybe she was right. Olive has a good life with Shane and Liza."

  "She does," Taylor said.

  "I've made it on my own--from nothing. I could have taken care of her. It would have been hard, but she was mine, and I was hers." I sniffed. "I would have been a good mom."

  "No," Taylor said. "You are a good mom."

  I looked up at him, seeing him with a new perspective and seeing myself through his eyes. It was almost easy not to hate the woman he saw. He'd glued a few of my broken pieces back together in a few weeks. I'd been trying to do that for more than five years.

  "You need to stop," I said.

  "What?" he said, tense.

  "I'm--" I bit my lip hard, punishing myself for my next words. "I'm a mess. I'm nothing, and I'm going nowhere."

  Half of his mouth curled up into a smile. "You're with me, right? That's not nowhere."

  "You don't want me. I'm a coward," I whispered. "I was more worried about material things than keeping my child."

  "You're wrong. I want you more than anything I've ever wanted in my life."

  I leaned my head into his chest. He pulled me against him, holding me, while my entire body rattled with overwhelming sobs. The harder I cried, the tighter he held me. He kissed my hair while whispering words of comfort, trying anything to make the pain stop.

  "We're here, in Eakins. Some
how, we're going to fix this," he said as I quieted down.

  I finally took a deep breath, letting my body melt into his embrace.

  "I think it's pretty obvious that I don't just want you." He laughed once, nervous. "I can't stay away from you. That qualifies as need."

  I looked up at him, managing a small smile. "You're just trying to be the hero again."

  He wiped away a tear from under my eye with his thumb, and then he gently cupped my cheeks in both of his hands. "It's more than that." A line formed between his brows. "I have an idea what it is, but it scares the shit out of me to say it out loud."

  I pressed my lips together, seeing the desperation in his eyes. "So, don't say it. Show me."

  He slowly shook his head and looked down at my mouth. He inched closer, his breath skipping as he anticipated what was about to happen.

  The air between us electrified. Every beat of my heart was banging so loud that I was sure he could hear it. I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me tighter, for us to be closer.

  His fingers pressed into my skin as his lips barely grazed mine, but we both startled when someone knocked on the door.

  "Falyn?" Abby called from the other side. "You okay? It sounded like you were crying."

  Taylor's shoulders sagged, and he took a few steps to turn the doorknob.

  Abby's concern was replaced by anger the instant she saw my face. "What the hell is going on?"

  "She's okay," Taylor said.

  Abby glared at him with accusing eyes. "She's bawling. She's not okay."

  Taylor's eyebrows lifted, and he looked at everyone around him. "But it's not because of me. I'd let Travis beat the shit out of me before I made her cry like that."

  "I'm okay," I said with an appreciative smile. "We're not fighting."

  Travis made his presence known, stepping into the doorway next to his wife. "Since when does a Maddox not fight with his girl?"

  Abby tried not to smile, and she nudged him in the ribs with her elbow.

  "It's not like I trashed the room or anything," Taylor said.

  I wasn't sure what he'd meant, but the mention wiped the smug grin off Travis's face.

  Unable to let Taylor take the heat any longer, I spoke up, "We're talking about something else, something that happened a long time ago."

  "Oh," Travis said, suddenly enlightened. "Past shit. We know all about past shit."

  Abby narrowed her eyes at Taylor. "What did you say to her?"

  "Nothing!" Taylor said, defensive.