Beautiful Sacrifice

by Jamie McGuire

  "Don't buck me off this thing. I don't want to waste the day in the ER instead of spending it with Olive."

  His expression was one of disappointment, but then he laughed. "You know me too well. Glad there is at least one adult in this relationship."

  "Oh, it's a relationship?" I asked.

  That caught Taylor off guard. "Um ... well ... yeah. Aren't we?"

  "I still have until Monday. You said we were friends until after the weekend."

  He arched an eyebrow, unimpressed. "I don't do to my friends the things I did to you last night. Our friendship is officially over."

  He sat down, letting his weight take him to the ground as my feet left the grass.

  "Fair enough," I said, coming back down to earth.

  A slow grin crept across Taylor's face until he was beaming with victory. He popped a cigarette into his mouth. "Holy fuck. Dad said it would happen, but I never believed him."

  "What?" I asked.

  "I am a one-woman man."

  A shoddy red Dodge Intrepid parked next to our rental, and the driver's side door flew open, revealing Trenton. He jogged around the front and opened the passenger side, reaching into the backseat and then plopping a small platinum beauty onto her feet.

  My heart leaped the moment Trenton stepped aside, and her angelic face came into view. Liza had braided her hair to the side, and she wore a pair of Mary Janes with thick rubber soles, pretty but also functional for a playdate with Trenton at the park.

  She took off at full speed toward the playground, breezing past us as she made a beeline for the swings. I walked with Taylor and Trenton to the nearest bench, and I watched her situate herself. In her sweet tiny voice, she called for Trenton to push her, and tears stung my eyes. The day I had been waiting for was here.

  "I'll do it," I said, jumping up.

  "Oh," Trenton said. "Okay."

  "Is that okay?" I asked Olive.

  She nodded her head.

  "How high?" I asked as I pulled back on the chains before releasing her.

  "High!" she squealed.

  I pushed her once and then again.

  "Highew!" She giggled.

  "That's good," Trenton called. "She says higher, but then she gets scared."

  "Do not!" Olive said.

  I pushed her, careful to push her enough only to keep her happy. I looked past her to Taylor, who was watching us like a proud father.

  Olive let me push her for another ten minutes, and then she asked me to swing with her, so I climbed into the swing next to her. Once I got myself going, she reached out for my hand. We swung back and forth together, giggling at nothing and everything.

  She threw back her head, the most wonderful laugh flitting through the air. The whole world fell away, and in that moment, it was just her and me, making the memory I'd dreamed of since she was born.

  "Slide!" Olive jumped off the swing to the ground, her little feet already in motion.

  Together, we climbed up the ladder, and then I followed her across the bridge to the double slide. We sat side by side, and I looked over at my daughter, her face almost identical to so many of my childhood photographs. Olive pushed off, and I did, too. Our feet hit the ground at the same time. Our eyes met, and we raced around again.

  As the hour passed, I chased Olive around the playground, and a peace came over me that I had never felt before. She was happy, and even though I had missed it all, we had that perfect little moment of time, one of just her and me that would hide away in her memory.

  All too soon though, Trenton called for her, "Ew! Your mom's home from the store! Time to go."

  "Aw!" she groaned. She looked up at me. "Want to come to my house and pway?"

  "I wish I could," I said. "I loved spending time with you."

  She opened her arms wide, waiting for me. I bent down and gently held her, feeling the strands of her hair in my face and her pudgy little fingers pressing into my shoulders.

  "Nice to meet you," Olive said, waving good-bye.

  Trenton swept her up into his arms and carried her to the car.

  "Bye, wady!"

  I tried not to cry as Trenton buckled her in, saving my tears until he pulled away.

  "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Taylor said. "Was it what you wanted?"

  All I could do was nod, and then I sat down on the bench, holding myself upright by gripping the edge of my seat.

  Taylor sat next to me. He looked upon me with more love and understanding than I'd ever felt. All the while, I let the peace of closure set in. I took a breath and let six years of pain, anger, and shame leave my body as I exhaled.

  "Falyn?" he said, his voice thick with worry.

  A single tear trickled down my cheek as I looked over at him with a small smile. "She's happy," I said simply. "And I'm happy. I'm not sure what I expected, but this is so much more. I'll never be able to thank you enough."

  He brought my hand to his lips. "The look on your face right now? That's all I need."

  I threw my arms around him, and he tightly squeezed me.

  "Will you tell him?" I asked.

  "Trent? No. Today was for you and Olive to make a memory, and then let the rest go."

  I released him and then leaned against his shoulder. "I like that."

  "I plan to do a lot of things that you'll like. But first, I'm going to sit here with you for as long as you need. Don't feel rushed."

  I sighed and hugged his arm, memorizing the playground and the small wooded area about fifty yards behind it. The birds were singing as a slight breeze blew the fallen leaves around on the ground.

  "It's perfect," I said.

  "Ten minutes ago, watching you and her ... I wish I could have frozen that moment, so we could live in it forever."

  "We can. We can live here in Olive's memory. Maybe every time she visits this park, she'll remember our time together."

  "I bet she will."

  I let my temple relax against his shoulder. "I don't feel rushed. My heart doesn't have room for anything else but you, her, and happiness."

  Taylor jumped out of bed just before the sun came up, fumbling around my bedroom and cursing in the dark while trying to find his clothes. Rolling onto my side, I leaned up on my elbow, propping my head with my hand, as I tried to suppress a laugh.

  "It's not funny, baby," he said, hopping as he pulled on his jeans. "I'm going to hit Denver traffic if I don't leave in two minutes, and that will make me late for work!"

  "Maybe you shouldn't surprise me the night before your shift then?"

  He leaped into the bed, and I squealed.

  He planted a peck on my lips. "Don't even pretend you weren't fucking ecstatic."

  "I was." I leaned up to kiss him again. "Thanks again for dinner ... and the movie ... and everything after that."

  With hesitation and regret, he pushed off the bed and away from me to finish getting dressed. He pulled on his boots and then grabbed his phone and his keys. "Call me when you wake up."

  "I'm kind of awake."

  His frown was barely highlighted from the streetlight outside my bedroom window. "I'm sorry."

  "It's okay. Go," I said, glancing outside. "It's snowing. Be careful."

  He made a face. "I will kick that snow's ass." He bent down to kiss me once more, but it ended up being three more. He shook his head. "Fuck! I'm gonna miss you. I'm sick of missing you."

  "Go to work," I said, touching his cheek.

  "I'm going. Call me later!" He hurried out the door, his heavy boots knocking against every step on his way down.

  I lay on my back, blowing out a frustrated sigh. I was sick of missing him, too, but we had just returned from Christmas in Eakins and celebrated the New Year and Taylor's and Tyler's birthdays together at their fire station in Estes Park. It was only seven weeks before Travis and Abby's vow renewal in St. Thomas, and then Taylor would be back in Colorado Springs. I hoped. It wasn't that I wished for wildfires, but that was the only thing that would bring Taylo
r to town.

  I relaxed in bed and played on my phone for half an hour and then decided to take a shower, dress for work, and head downstairs. Pete was pulling out ingredients for prep, and I sat on the far counter, watching him work.

  "Good morning," I said, letting my legs swing.

  Pete dipped his head.

  "He spent the night again. I think ... I think I love him--like, really love him," I said, my eyes widening for emphasis. "I thought I loved him before, but I think that was just the falling part. Every week that passes, I think, Yep. I love him way more. Maybe I didn't love him before now? Maybe this is love."

  Pete shrugged.

  "Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?"

  He frowned and shook his head.

  "You should. You're a good guy."

  He winked at me and continued working.

  "Good morning!" Chuck said, pushing through the swinging doors. "I haven't seen you down here this early in a while, Falyn."

  I shrugged. "Couldn't go back to sleep after Taylor left."

  Phaedra pulled the small leather pack she used as a purse off one shoulder and shoved it into a bottom cabinet. She brushed her wiry low ponytail off her shoulder. "How was dinner?"

  I hopped off the counter. "Amazing, as usual."

  "Are you going to up and leave us for Estes Park?"

  I shrugged. "He's mentioned it. I said no."

  "No?" Phaedra looked to Chuck.

  Chuck tied his apron strings behind his back. "He could apply at one of the stations here. If they have a spot open, they'd hire him."

  "They don't," I said. "He put a call in a couple of weeks ago."

  "Well, he should apply anyway," Phaedra said with her gravelly voice.

  "He might."

  "He might? He might be the one then, huh?" Chuck asked.

  Three pairs of eyes targeted me.

  I rolled my eyes. "It's too early in the morning and too early in the relationship to be talking about that nonsense." I picked up a tray and pushed through the double doors. I loaded it with salt and pepper shakers and then brought it back to unscrew the tops.

  Phaedra started several pots of coffee, powered on the register, and counted the drawer. She watched me return the full shakers to the tables. Hector arrived as the sun chased the shadows from Tejon Street, and he and Chuck were cracking jokes in the back, being so silly that even Pete was laughing out loud. By the time Kirby arrived, I had everything ready. Every employee at The Bucksaw Cafe was officially in a good mood.

  The morning sun reflected off the white snow piled up on each side of the sidewalk, shining uncomfortably bright even through the transparent solar shades Phaedra had installed specifically to cut down on the glare. In spite of the intense light pouring in, a peaceful feeling seemed to have settled over everyone in the building--or maybe it had always been there, and I was finally free enough to feel it.

  "I like it when Taylor stays over," Kirby said, tying on her apron. "He makes my life a lot easier."

  "How's Gunnar?" I asked.

  "Stressed. He took too many hours this semester, and he's still driving to Boulder, working for the sorority house, which--I have to admit--is a good job for him. His boss works with Gunnar's school schedule, and the girls treat him like a little brother--or so he says."

  Just before Phaedra flipped over the sign to show we were open, my cell phone buzzed.

  Made it. On time. Love you.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. "He made it okay."

  "Oh, that's good," Kirby said. "That's not the best drive when it's snowing."

  "That doesn't help."

  "Sorry," she said. She greeted and then seated the first customers of the day.

  I responded to Taylor's text and then slid my phone into my apron before walking over to a table with glasses of water. Tourists--an older gentleman and his white-haired wife--settled in at Don's favorite table. Chuck had had a small plaque made, and Phaedra had replaced the beat-up, rusted Alaska license plate that hung above where Don used to sit. I glanced up at the words engraved in the gold plating.

  THIS TABLE IS DEDICATED IN LOVING MEMORY OF

  DONALD MCGENSEY

  The gentleman removed his hat and propped his cane against the wall.

  "My name is Falyn, and I'll be your server this morning. May I get you a cup of coffee to start?"

  "Yes," he said, opening the menu Kirby had set in front of him. "Half-and-half, please."

  "The same," his wife said.

  "You got it." I returned to the drink station, pouring them fresh cups of coffee.

  Kirby strolled from her podium and around the bar to where I stood. "You have a look."

  "What kind of look?"

  "A happy look. More than happy. Things seem to be going well with Taylor."

  "Yes."

  "I have to say, I'm a little surprised that you even gave him a chance. You haven't given any hotshot the time of day since I met you."

  "He's different."

  "He must be because those are the famous last words of every girl left behind around here, and I would never have thought I'd hear you say them."

  "That's not funny," I said.

  "Leave her be," Phaedra said, shooing Kirby away.

  Kirby offered a cease-fire with a wink, leaving me for her station.

  "She's just teasing you," Phaedra said. "We all know that Taylor is one of the good ones."

  I loaded the saucers with coffee cups and silver creamer full of half-and-half onto a tray. "He is."

  The day passed both quick and slow, seeming to drag on and then the hours flying by near closing time. Now living for the weekends, time in general either passed too fast or too slow. Time seemed to move in fast-forward when Taylor and I were together. There was no in between.

  Valentine's Day came and went. Taylor and I both worked that evening, so he stayed in Estes Park, but we more than made up for it that weekend.

  I began my mornings and ended my evenings on the phone with Taylor. If I were really lucky, he would get impatient for one of us to have a day off, and he'd drive down to see me, only to have to drive back early the next morning. On the rare occasion when we both had the weekend off, Taylor would drive straight to the Springs early Saturday morning and stay until just before dawn on Monday.

  I was looking forward to spending the weekend with him in St. Thomas.

  "The second wedding on the island is next Saturday, right? Will Taylor be here Friday night?" Phaedra asked.

  I wiped down the last of the tables.

  "Taylor leaves Thursday for Eakins. There's a bachelor party on Friday night. I'm flying straight to Saint Thomas on Saturday," I said.

  A steady beat of knocking came from the door, and I looked up to see Gunnar standing there, pointing to Taylor standing next to him.

  Kirby opened the door, letting them in, and I dropped my rag before throwing my arms and legs around Taylor.

  Taylor pressed his lips against mine. "Hi, gorgeous!" he said, lowering me to the floor.

  I kissed him again, and then I picked up the rag off the floor. My heart was pounding in my chest as if I'd just run a marathon. It didn't matter how many nights I saw him standing on the other side of the glass. It made me feel the same every time.

  Chuck walked through the swinging doors, putting a hand on his round belly. "What time did you leave Estes Park?"

  "On time," Taylor said.

  Chuck laughed. "You must drive like a maniac. You need to quit that, boy, or you're going to end up launching off a ridge."

  I grimaced.

  Taylor bent down to kiss me. "I drove a little fast, but I was careful. I was in a hurry to get here."

  "It's snowing," I said. "You can't drive fast and careful when it's snowing."

  He stood up tall. "Obviously, I can."

  Gunnar and Taylor each took a seat on the stools, catching up and cracking jokes with Chuck and Hector. Kirby and I finished our duties, making sure not to leave anything for Hannah the next d
ay.

  "You guys coming upstairs?" I asked, drying my hands with a clean rag.

  Kirby and Gunnar looked at each other.

  Gunnar nodded. "Sure. I just have one paper to write this weekend. It can wait."

  We said good-bye to everyone, and then Kirby and Gunnar followed Taylor and me upstairs.

  "The good thing about having a girlfriend who doesn't drink?" Taylor was bent over in the kitchen, rummaging in my fridge. He wheeled around with a beer bottle in his hand. He popped the top with a smile and flicked the lid into the trash. "I know she won't drink my stash while I'm gone." He strolled over to the couch, making me bounce when he fell into the cushion next to me.

  I leaned into his side, letting that relaxing wonderful feeling that filled the loft when Taylor was there warm me like a blanket.

  He stretched his arm over the back of the couch, touching my shoulder with his fingers, and then he held out his bottle to Gunnar. "There are a few more in the fridge."

  Gunnar watched him take a gulp and then shook his head. "I'm going to need all my senses to pull off this paper."

  Kirby patted his knee.

  "I don't miss college," Taylor said. "At all."

  "I like school," Gunnar said, gesturing toward Kirby. "I don't like being away from her."

  Kirby hugged his arm. "Just keep kicking ass, and we'll be in Denver in no time."

  Taylor's eyebrows shot up. "You're moving there together?"

  Gunnar looked both proud and excited. "I've just got to get some money saved up and find a place once I transfer."

  "Gunnar's applying for the physician's assistant program," I said.

  "Oh, yeah? That's fucking awesome, man. Good for you." Taylor held up his beer again, as a toast this time. He looked to me. "What are Phaedra and Chuck going to do when they lose you both?"

  Kirby and I traded glances.

  "What?" Taylor asked.

  "Have you had any luck applying here?" Kirby asked.

  "Nope," Taylor said. "But I'm solid at the station in Estes."

  "But don't you live with your brother?" she asked.

  Taylor set his beer down on a coaster even though the coffee table was scratched and already covered in water rings. "Okay. You two have been discussing. Let's hear it."

  I squirmed. "It's just that ... it feels wrong to leave Phaedra high and dry after all she's done for me. And I'm not sure I'd like your brother as a roommate. I don't really want to ask him to move out, and we have a perfectly good place here. I can save more if I stay here."

  "That's not true. I told you I'd take care of rent."