[Lady Justice 39] - Lady Justice and the Raven

by Robert Thornhill

  “Well, you’ve certainly come to the right place. As you could see from our presentation, we offer every service your mother will need.”

  “The presentation was impressive,” I said, “but I’d really like to see the facility in person before I make a decision. I’m sure you understand.”

  “Of course. When are you available?”

  Kevin and I had picked the same time so we would be at the facility together.

  “How about tomorrow afternoon at three o’clock?”

  “That would be fine. Let me pencil you in. One of our staff will meet you at the front desk and give you a guided tour.”

  “Perfect!”

  When I checked into the front desk at Ravenwood, I was met by a young woman.

  “Mr. Williams, my name is Lacy. I’m one of the activity interns. Are you ready for your tour?”

  “Yes I am. I’m hoping what I see will be just right for mother.”

  “I’m sure it will be. Follow me.”

  She led me to the dining room. “Residents may eat in here or if they’re not feeling up to par, we deliver it to their room.”

  Then she pointed to a table with all kinds of snacks. “If they’re hungry between meals, we always have something for them to munch on. Go ahead, help yourself.”

  “That’s okay. I’m not hungry.”

  “Oh, don’t be bashful. Have a snack. You can eat it later.”

  Not wanting to be a poop, I snatched a couple of snack crackers and put them in my pocket.

  From the dining room, we went to the game room, then to the library. I was beginning to get the feeling she didn’t want me to see the patient rooms.

  “One more stop,” she said, “the physical therapy room.”

  “Uhh, it’s been a long afternoon. I wonder if I might use the rest room before we continue?”

  “Certainly, it’s just down the hall on your right.”

  I figured this might give me a chance to slip away unescorted and take a look at the patient rooms.

  When I reached the bathroom, I took a quick peek. Lacy was busy talking to one of the nurses, so I headed to one of the long halls that housed the patients.

  Inside the first room was a woman sitting in a chair. She was tied with some kind of cloth thing to keep her from falling out of the chair. Her head lolled to one side. In a tray in front of her was her lunch, untouched. I looked at my watch. It was 4:30. Somebody wasn’t paying attention.

  As I approached the next room, I heard an angry voice. “Clarence! You crapped your pants again!”

  “I pushed the button, but no one came,” was the feeble reply.

  “Well, you’re just going to have to learn to hold it until someone comes. I think I’ll just let you stay that way for a while. Maybe you’ll hold it next time.”

  “But it burns!”

  “Serves you right. I’ll be back later to clean you up.”

  The orderly nearly bowled me over coming out the door. “Who the hell are you?”

  I had to think fast. “Uhh, I’m a friend of Louis LaSalle. I just stopped by to pay him a quick visit.”

  “Louis is asleep. You’ll have to come back later.”

  “Oh, sure. I don’t want to disturb him.”

  I turned around to leave, but the second the orderly went in the next room, I forged ahead. Then I spotted Kevin coming out of one of the rooms.

  “I see you lost your escort too,” he said.

  “I had to,” I replied. “That was only way I was going to see the patient rooms. What have you seen?”

  “Vacant stares,” he replied. “I’ve seen it before. These people are drugged to the point of being almost comatose. They drug ‘em so they stay put and don’t cause any problems.”

  At that moment, we heard a voice coming from another room. “Damn it, Esther! Take your meds!”

  “But I don’t want them! I don’t need them!”

  “Suit yourself. No supper for you.”

  “Jesus,” Kevin muttered, grabbing me and pulling me into another room just as the orderly came out.

  “What now?” he asked, when the orderly was out of sight. “Do you think we have enough to get back to Charles LaSalle?”

  “I’d like to see his brother before we go,” I replied. “I think he’d like that.”

  “Any idea which room is his?”

  “Nope. I guess we’ll just have to check the names on the doors.”

  We headed down the hall, checking each door.

  “Here it is,” Kevin said. “Louis LaSalle.”

  We were about to enter when we heard a voice from inside. “Louis! Get your ass back in bed.”

  “But I want to ---.”

  “I don’t give a damn what you want. Now get in bed.”

  “Oww! Oww! You’re hurting me!”

  I looked at Kevin. “Let’s go!”

  We entered the room just as the orderly was shoving Louis forcefully into his bed.

  “Take your hands off him!”

  I was pretty sure that Kevin and I could intimidate the orderly until I got a good look at him. The guy could have been a linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs. Oops!

  “I don’t know who you guys are, but you just made a big mistake.”

  Just as he headed for us, I heard another voice behind us. “That’s okay, Rudy. I’ll take it from here.”

  I turned around and saw that it was the voice of the guy who looked like an undertaker --- and he had a gun.

  “Well, well,” he said. “Our two missing visitors. I’m guessing you being here together isn’t an accident. Who sent you? Who are you working for?”

  I didn’t respond and neither did Kevin.

  “Not talking? No matter. Rudy, help me escort our visitors to the basement. We’ll let them conclude their tour down there.”

  Rudy gave us a shove. “Move it!”

  At the end of the hall was a door that led to the basement. When Rudy opened the door, I hesitated as a musty odor made my eyes water.

  “You can either walk down or I’ll throw you down,” Rudy snarled.

  “Don’t get your panties in a twist,” Kevin replied. “We’re going.”

  “Oh, a smart guy!” Rudy said, giving Kevin a whack on the head.

  Once in the basement, the undertaker tossed Rudy some plastic ties. “Bind their hands and feet. Make sure they’re tight.”

  After we were trussed up with our hands behind our backs, the undertaker pointed to a couple of rusty chairs. “Make yourselves comfortable. We’ll be back after dark to finish our business with you. Oh, and don’t bother screaming. People are used to hearing that sort of thing coming from here.”

  When they were gone, Kevin said, “What a revoltin' development this is!"

  “Really?” I replied. “The Life of Riley? Is that the best you can do?”

  “Give me a few minutes. I’ll try to come with something better.”

  “I’m not sure how many minutes we have left. What time do you think it is?”

  “I can’t see my watch, of course, but I’m guessing around five o’clock.”

  “That means we have a couple of hours until they come back for us. Any ideas how to get us out of here?”

  “Nothing comes to mind. How about you?”

  Before I could answer, I heard him exclaim, “Holy crap!”

  “What?”

  “Over in the corner. Rats!”

  I looked, and sure enough, several sets of beady eyes were heading our way.

  “Shoo! Scram! You filthy beasts,” Kevin said, stamping his feet.

  The rats scurried out of sight, but a minute later, I saw them begin to creep out again.

  Kevin was about to shoo them away again, when a thought struck me. Ravenwood! Edgar Allen Poe! Rats!

  “Don’t scare them away, Kevin. I have an idea.”

  “I hope it’s a good one. Those things give me the creeps.”

  “The Pit and the Pendulum,” I said. “It’s a story by Poe. It takes place
during the Inquisition. This guy is captured and taken to a cell where he’s bound to some kind of big slab. His hands are tied, but just loose enough to be able to reach the bowl of food they bring each day. The place is infested with rats and he has to fight them off or they’ll eat his food.

  “This goes on for a few days, and one day the guy notices that a huge pendulum is swinging back and forth over where he is tied. As the pendulum inches closer, he can see that a sharp blade is on the end of it. Eventually, as the pendulum descends, the blade will slice him in two.”

  “This is all very interesting,” Kevin said, “but how exactly does it help our current situation?”

  “I’m getting to that. In desperation, the man takes what food he has left and rubs it into the ties that are binding him to the slab. Now, instead of shooing away the rats, he lets them climb over him. They smell the food on the ties and begin gnawing, eventually freeing the man before the blade slices and dices.”

  “Okay,” Kevin said, tentatively, “go on.”

  “When you were on your tour, did your escort offer you some goodies from the snack table?”

  “Yeah, I think I got a package of those little crackers with peanut butter in between.”

  “Perfect! Where are they?”

  “In my pants pocket. Why?”

  “Let’s get them out and I’ll tell you. Let’s lay on the floor with your front to my back so I can reach into your pocket and get the crackers.”

  “I certainly hope you know what you’re doing.”

  After we were in position, one of Jerry’s corny jokes popped into my mind.

  “Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.”

  “Uhh, you don’t happen to have any holes in your pocket, do you?”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Just inch a little closer.”

  Kevin snuggled up to my backside and I found his pocket.

  “Please don’t grab the wrong cookies,” he said, as I started rummaging around.

  “Got ‘em,” I said. “Now roll over so I can reach your hands.”

  “Why? What are you going to do?”

  “Rats love peanut butter. I’m going to smear it all over your plastic ties. The rats will smell it and come chew right through the ties.”

  “The hell you are! I don’t want those smelly things anywhere close to me.”

  “Suit yourself, but unless you’ve got a better idea, old Rudy will be coming back for us any time.”

  “Why can’t you give the crackers to me and I’ll smear the peanut butter on your ties?”

  “Because it was my idea. Now roll over!”

  “Ohhhh!” he moaned, rolling over.

  I unwrapped the crackers, pulled them apart, and got a big glob of peanut butter. “Now hold still.”

  After rubbing the goo on Kevin’s ties, I stood up. “I’m going to stand over in the corner so the rats won’t be intimidated. You just lay there.”

  “That’s easy for you to say.”

  A few minutes later, two big furry creatures, noses sniffing, inched their way to Kevin’s backside.

  “They’re coming! Just lay perfectly still.”

  As the first rat sniffed the peanut butter, Kevin groaned, “Oh, man! I can feel his whiskers. They tickle.”

  After a few sniffs, the rat began chewing.

  “Ow! I think the little bastard nicked me! I’m gonna have to get rabies shots when I get out of here.”

  A moment later, I heard a ‘pop!’

  “It worked!” Kevin exclaimed, jumping to his feet. “Your crazy idea actually worked! Now get the hell away from me, you toothy vermin!”

  He freed his feet, then helped me out of my ties. “Let’s get the hell out of here!”

  I climbed the stairs and tried the door. Naturally, it was locked.

  “Okay,” Kevin said. “Plan B. Let’s call Ox.”

  He pulled out his cell. “No service. How about you?”

  I checked my phone. “No bars. I guess we won’t be calling from this basement. What’s Plan C? I got us untied. I hope you can get us out of here.”

  He thought for a moment, then picked up a coil of rope that had been laying in the corner.

  “You sit back down on the chair with your hands behind your back like you’re still tied up. I’m going behind the stairs, make a loop out of the rope, then when Rudy comes down the stairs and steps into the loop, I’ll give it a yank.”

  “Won’t he notice that you’re gone?”

  “I’m betting old Rudy is a couple of fries short of a happy meal. Your job is to piss him off so he comes down after you.”

  “Great! But what if he misses your loop?”

  “Then we go to Plan D.”

  “What’s Plan D?”

  “I’m working on it.”

  At that moment, we heard the door at the top of the steps open.

  “I’m ready!” Kevin hissed.

  “Okay you two,” Rudy bellowed, stomping down the steps. “On your feet. We’re going for a ride.”

  He took a look and stopped. “Hey, where’s ---?”

  “You dumb shit!” I said. “No wonder you’re so stupid. Your momma’s so dumb it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

  It took him several seconds to process what I had just said.

  “And on top of that, your old lady wears combat boots!”

  I saw his muscles tense and the fire in his eyes. “Nobody disrespects my mama. I’m gonna pound you to a bloody pulp!”

  As he stomped down the steps, I said a silent prayer. Please work!

  Rudy was so intent on beating me to a pulp, he didn’t notice Kevin’s loop. The moment he planted his foot, Kevin jerked, and Rudy took a header down the last few steps, hitting his head on the handrail.

  “Out cold!” Kevin said, examining the body.

  We bound Rudy’s hands and feet with Kevin’s loop rope.

  Satisfied that he couldn’t move, I pointed up the steps. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “One more thing,” Kevin said. “Do you still have some of those peanut butter crackers?”

  I nodded and handed him what was left in the package. He separated the crackers, got a blob of peanut butter on his finger, and smeared it on Rudy’s fly.

  I grimaced. “That’s just cruel!”

  He grinned. “Yeah, I know. Let’s go!”

  We had just reached the top of the steps when we heard the undertaker’s voice. “Where the hell is Rudy?”

  “Come on!” Kevin said, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me into the closest patient room.

  The room was obviously occupied, but thankfully empty. The occupant must have gone to the dining room for supper.

  “Quick!” he said. “Climb into bed and pull up the covers. I’ll hide in the bathroom. I’ll call Ox while I’m in there.”

  “Why don’t you climb into the bed and I’ll hide in the bathroom?”

  “Because it was my idea, and besides, you look like you belong here. I don’t.”

  I climbed into bed with my backside facing the door and pulled the blanket up to my chin.

  I just hoped that whoever occupied the room didn’t have cooties.

  About twenty minutes after climbing in bed, I heard a knock on the door, and an orderly stepped inside.

  “Okay, Mr. Beeman. It’s time for your enema and your evening meds.”

  “Uhhh, no thank you. I’ll pass tonight.”

  “Mr. Beeman! You know you can’t do that. Now be a good boy and let’s get this over with.”

  There was no way I was going to let some Neanderthal stick a rubber tube up my kiester.

  “No! Go away!”

  “All right, if that’s how it’s going to be, I’ll go get Virgil and we’ll do it the hard way.”

  When he stepped out of the room, I whispered, “Kevin! Do something! I don’t want an enema!”

  “Just keep your butt cheeks clamped shut. I’ll think of something.”

  A few minutes later, th
e door opened, and sure enough, the orderly had returned with help. One of them held up a huge syringe.

  “Okay, Mr. Beeman. One little stick and we’ll get on with your enema.”

  Just as they started toward me, Kevin burst out of the bathroom wielding a stool plunger.

  “Get away from him or I’ll ---!”

  The orderly laughed. “Or you’ll what, old timer?”

  I had no idea how much damage Kevin could do with a plunger, but thankfully, we never had to find out.

  Just as things were about to get interesting, I heard a bull horn out in the hall. “This is the police! Everyone stay right where you are!”

  It was Ox to the rescue!

  The two orderlies, of course, did just the opposite. They tossed the syringe aside and headed for the door.

  When they were gone, I turned to Kevin. “And just what were you planning to do with that plunger?”

  “Truthfully, I have no idea, but it made sense at the time. After all, isn’t this the tool that’s supposed to get rid of stubborn turds?”

  He had me there.

  At that moment, we heard a blood-curdling scream coming from the basement.

  Kevin grinned. “Sounds like our furry pals found the peanut butter.”

  EPILOGUE

  Kevin and I spent the next day sharing what we had learned with both the police and the Department of Health and Human Services.

  Out testimony, along with the conditions discovered at the nursing home, closed the doors of Ravenwood for good.

  Louis LaSalle, along with the other occupants, were transferred to more patient-friendly facilities, and the undertaker, Nurse Ratched, and their stable of muscle-bound orderlies were behind bars.

  Not a bad day’s work for a couple of old gumshoes.

  Once things returned to some semblance of normality, I had time to reflect on the strange series of events that had taken place over the past few weeks.

  It all started when that big black bird pooped on Mary’s ice cream.

  The Hawaiian people have a tradition in which animals play a role as spirit guides and are part of a culture that honors the visible as well as the invisible. These spirit guides are called amakua. Animal spirit guides are amongst the messengers providing guidance on the path and in everyday life.

  From the very moment that raven appeared on the branch above our table, it seemed that he became my amakua and led me through the events that began when I discovered Lenore’s manuscript in the false bottom of that old chest.