“A party sized bag…and Doritos are good,” was all he’d said to defend his choice.
“Anyway, are you home, or what?” Harrison pulled me back into the here and now.
“Yeah, I am.” I answered, because where else would I be?
“Ok, see you in five.” Harrison had hung up before I could answer.
“Bye?” I said to no one, and laughed.
I'd barely had time to pull my hair into a messy bun and slip a sweater on over my tank, when I heard my text.
Here.
If this was how Harrison texted, maybe I didn’t need to join the ranks of his many followers. Running downstairs to get the door before the landing strip of security lights alerted my mom to us having a visitor, I looked out the peephole and saw Harrison walking up our front walk…and a mini-me. Pulling open the door, I couldn’t help but laugh.
There stood Harrison, in a black tee and jeans, a container of ice cream held in one hand and his phone in the other. And creeping along trying to keep pace, was who I could only assume was The Monster. He was like a tiny-man version of his big brother, same dark eyes and messy hair, same mischievous smile on his face. Luckily, Ben had been spared Harrison’s lesson in fashion, because he was wearing a Star Wars shirt with his jeans, but otherwise I had a flash of what a ten year old Harrison must have looked like.
“Harrison, you’re wearing a black tee!” I couldn’t believe that was the first thing I’d said to the nice guy who had brought me my favorite flavor of ice cream, without me even having asked.
“Yeah, it’s laundry day,” Harrison replied with a wry smile. Then he thrust the quart at me, adding, “This is freezing my hand.” Taking it from him, I sat it down on the table next to our door to save my hand from a similar fate, turning back to the two boys standing at my door.
“Thank you! This is exactly what I needed! We don’t keep a lot of yummy food around here, so this is just the treat to make my night!” I exclaimed, so happy to have the ice cream and happy that I had a friend who'd thought of me and did such a nice thing.
“You should come to our house, we have everything. I’ll share my fruit loops and fruit roll-ups with you,” Ben volunteered, in his little boy voice. Clearly he was as shy as his brother.
“I told him to stay in the car…” Harrison said, rolling his eyes.
“I wanted to see her. You said she’s really pretty,” Ben defended himself by saying. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Anyway, sorry to just show up, but that’s not exactly like a I’ll bring it to you when I see you kind of thing,” Harrison said, ignoring his brother and gesturing to the tub of ice cream.
“And you got me the big size, too,” I said, my eyes widening with approval.
“I figured you could share, or portion it out for next four months,” he said, teasingly.
“You must be Ben,” I said to his brother, turning my attention to the little monster who had more energy than even Harrison. The kid was practically vibrating.
“Yeah. It’s ok, you can call me Monster too, if you want. I’ve been called worse,” he added, shooting a glare at Harrison. I just laughed. Watching the two of them was enough to make my night…without ice cream.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I shot Harrison a similar mock dirty look and said to Ben, “I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of putting your brother in his place.”
“Oh yeah, but I try to reserve the bad words for when they’re really necessary,” Ben answered seriously. Oh my god, he was adorable.
“Ok, Cass. Just wanted to drop this by, we gotta get home. My mom is a stickler with this one’s bedtime. It’s good to see you, though,” Harrison added, as if he'd just remembered that there was such a thing as social niceties. Harrison didn’t have to worry about that, he’d probably met the only person in the world who prioritized such things as much as he did.
“Yeah, it is. Thank you so much, I’m so excited. This is my favorite flavor…” I was already picturing myself eating it, as Harrison nodded like I’d just stated a given. “Thank you. And it was so nice to finally meet the man behind the machine,” I said, redirecting my attention to Ben. Ben just grinned.
“She called me a Man,” he said to Harrison, who snorted.
“Ok, Big Man, let’s go. Say bye to Cass.”
“Bye, Cass. And I wasn’t kidding about sharing my snacks with you,” he added seriously.
“Thanks Ben. I’ll hit you up when I’m jonesing for a sugar rush,” I said, smiling.
“Later, Cass,” Harrison said as he was already walking away.
“Later, and Thank You!” I called to him, and he just nodded without looking back. Watching Ben scramble into the backseat of the car, as Harrison waited patiently to make sure that he was buckled in and settled before closing the door and heading around to the driver’s seat, I just stood there like I was watching a show on TV.
Hearing the engine start up, I closed the door and locked it, grabbing the ice cream and heading to the kitchen to grab a spoon. This was mine; a bowl seemed superfluous.
FORTY-FIVE
He’d called when I’d been in the shower, so despite how relaxed I’d felt when I’d re-entered my room, swathed in my fluffy robe, I now felt tight as a coil. It had been a few days since I’d seen Rachel, and I’d felt like I could handle this, should it arise. I was wrong.
“Hello Cassandra, just checking in. You’re awfully busy these days, so hard to reach.”
Charlie paused, but it didn’t have the air of uncertainty, or like he was searching for the right words. It was more of a natural pause in the conversation, even though he was leaving a message.
“So, just wondering how my favorite beautiful girl is doing…it’s been too long since we’ve had a chance to hang, I miss you. I guess what I’m trying to say, Cassandra, is that I know you felt what I felt beginning between us, that kind of thing doesn’t happen all the time. I just feel like we owe it to ourselves to give us a shot, to see where this could go…because honestly, I think it could really go somewhere great. And I know you well enough to know that whatever you had going on with that cretin Harrison has most likely run its course, so I thought it was safe to inquire again as to if you’d want to meet up. Anyway, you know how to reach me, and any time, any place you choose, I’ll make myself available. Ok. Just give it some thought. I’ll be seeing you, Cassandra.
I was so glad that I hadn’t been by my phone when he’d called. I did not want to see Charlie, I did not want to talk to Charlie, and I definitely did not want Charlie calling me again. But what could I do about it? I could change my number, but that felt a little drastic, and it also felt like he’d somehow be taking something from me if I did. I didn’t think he was trying to intimidate me, I just thought that he obviously couldn’t take a hint…or an outright rejection. I got it, rejection sucked, but even I knew that normal people eventually moved on.
Was three times enough to decide that he wasn’t going to give up? Was I jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst like Rachel had warned me against? Or was I doing what Diane always said to do, be guarded and on the alert, never fully expect the outcome to end up in my favor? I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to handle something that made me feel so uneasy, yet could just as simply be an innocuous situation involving someone who was determined to get what they wanted. Determined. That was the part that made me feel ill at ease, I realized. Because Charlie was definitely determined, about everything, and even the word implied a refusal to relinquish an intent for a certain outcome.
Deciding that I needed to do something that I hadn’t done in a million years, I went to Kara’s room. I had to get the insight of someone who hadn’t been scarred by what had so altered my consciousness, someone who had the perspective of a young woman who could analyze this with a different world view. Knocking on her door, wanting to barge in just to spite her but not having the actual desire to do so, especially since I didn’t know if James was here and I felt like avoiding making an awkward
situation even more awkward, I waited for Kara to come to the door.
Instead she simply hollered from inside, “Come in!”
Entering her room, there lounged James on her couch, and although thankfully fully clothed, I was still glad that I had waited for an invitation in. I’d actually seen way too much of James accidentally once or twice, when the two had first gotten together, and it had felt like walking in on your brother in the shower, so I hoped never to repeat it.
“Hey Cass,” he said to me, an easy smile on his face.
“What’s up?” Kara asked, sitting crosslegged on her bed where she was painting her nails. I still marveled at how natural the two were together. How they were constantly in each other’s company, but it seemed like they were just living their normal lives, accomplishing the ordinary or absolutely nothing…together.
“Um, Kara, I kinda wanted to ask you something,” I said uncomfortably, glancing at James and then back at my sister.
“Is this about that almost eaten container of ice cream in the freezer? Because I didn’t eat it, you’ll have to ask Mom…it was probably her,” Kara said quickly, and I didn’t doubt that Kara had helped herself. I’d already eaten most of it so I didn’t care one way or another, and despite how special it had been to receive it, it was just ice cream. I wasn’t like some crazed ice cream hoarder. Mostly.
“No, it’s cool. That’s not at all what I came for,” but thanks for the confidence, Kar. “Actually…” I trailed off, looking at James again, wondering if this was something that I could talk to Kara about with him around, then deciding that it wouldn’t hurt to have a male perspective, especially one that I trusted.
“Do you want me to go downstairs?” James asked, always too perceptive. And accommodating; James always went out of his way to put people at ease. Or maybe it was just us Warren girls, one whom he loved with his heart and soul, and one whom he’d at some point vowed to protect from ever being harmed again.
“You know what, no, it’s cool. Actually, anything I have to say to Kara, I can say around you anyway…” I thought this would be a sweet sentiment, but Kara kind of scowled. Oh well.
“Well, what do you want, then?” Maybe I’d hurt her feelings or something. Whatever.
“Ok look, this is weird, and I don’t usually do this kind of thing…” Obviously. “Well, it’s just that…remember how I went on that date with Charlie but decided that I wasn’t really ready for a relationship? Or whatever?” Kara nodded like the one thing that had ever happened in my non-existent social life was sort of impossible to forget. “Well, he seems like he doesn’t really want to…” I thought about how to phrase this so as not to influence their opinions. “He seems to still want to be with me.” That sounded better; more factual and less colored by my thoughts.
“You’re a wonderful person, Cass. I’d be surprised if he didn’t…” James said.
“Thanks, Mom,” Kara responded to him, and I snorted a laugh. “What do you mean, Cass?” Kara needed more information and I didn’t blame her.
“Well, it’s probably nothing. Which is why I thought I’d ask you…guys…He just has called me a few more times, and I told him a couple times that I’m not interested, but he’s left me a few messages…” This was sounding dumb, even to me. “I mean, a couple of times I just was away from my phone, so it wasn’t necessarily intentional, but I don’t really want to call him back, so I thought that was an indication of how I felt about him still calling…” Ugh. I was definitely regretting this. So he’d called me, probably only like three times. That was still on the side of ‘nothing’ and not nearly close to the edge of ‘something.’
“Don’t call him back. He’ll get the hint,” James said, like it was an easy fix.
“James, I think this is the guy…remember, Carla? You were the one who wanted me to tell Cass about that whole thing in the first place. If it is the same guy, maybe this is like a pattern for him.” Kara, the wary one…who knew?
“Right,” James said, like he didn’t want to express anything else until he’d had a chance to give it more thought.
“What does your therapist say?” Kara asked. Both she and my mom were always afraid to give me advice, in case it went against what I’d already been counseled with, like I’d run back and report it to Rachel and she’d judge them. I guess that Rachel could be scary, but she wasn’t like that.
“Rachel says to play it by ear. To not assume anything, until I have more evidence to guide me,” I paraphrased. Maybe this was like a therapy exercise in itself, Rachel somehow implanting me with her opinion that I was then to be forced to re-examine and contemplate on my own time.
I hated therapy exercises.
“That sounds like good advice,” Kara said, “But did you tell Diane about Carla?” I hadn’t. I had kind of decided that Kara wasn’t the best source when it came to someone that she maybe used to know who had possibly dated someone who might have the same name who she thought had sort of been weird. So sue me. And on a deeper level, I didn’t want to examine Kara’s story too extensively in association with myself. I had decided that I had my own personal demons to wrestle with, I didn’t have excess energy to focus on someone else’s unsubstantiated experience.
Maybe that was foolish. Diane was going to be pissed that I’d left that part out. And look at Kara, respecting Diane's and my relationship, and appreciating that Diane might have some insight into the situation that we may have missed.
“No. But Rachel said to trust myself…and well…”
“You’re here, so obviously something about this guy is freaking you out,” Kara supplied. For once I didn’t mind her speaking my thoughts for me. I wasn’t even sure that I could articulate all of these unwelcome emotions aloud, anyway. I just nodded.
“James? Is there like some good dude advice that you’ve been letting percolate over there?” Maybe Kara was at a loss.
“My first instinct is that it’s nothing…yet. But, I’m not ready to determine if that is actually the case. Sometimes guys can’t take a clue, or are used to getting what they want if they try hard enough. But if this is the same guy, I’d be worried that this is like his approach to things romantically,” James finally said.
“I was just going to say ignore him.” Apparently Kara was not at a loss, but just wanted to hear what James thought first. “It’s just some calls?” She seemed to want a bigger picture and I didn’t blame her.
“Yeah,” I said miserably. I knew how I sounded and it only reminded me of how screwed up I was. “I mean, he left voicemails, each time asking me to go out with him or reconsider my initial answer…”
“I wanna hear them.” Kara was so nosy. “Did you delete them?” I hadn’t, they were reclassified as no longer ‘new,’ but they were easily recoverable. I didn’t want to see them in my messages and be reminded of it all, but I also didn’t want them gone entirely. I just shook my head in response to her question. “Ok, play them for us.” Like, of course, why wouldn’t I?
“I dunno…” I was now worried that I would be even more foolish seeming once they’d heard the messages. Plus, it felt a little invasive. I’d already put myself out there just to initiate this conversation; I was way out of my comfort zone having gone this far. To play my personal messages felt like a step that I wasn’t ready for. And for some reason, I felt like it might not be fair to Charlie, like these were his thoughts and words that he’d meant only for me, and it seemed either insensitive or rude to play them for others.
Then I decided that I didn’t owe him anything.
“Fine, but I’m warning you that whatever intrigue you’re expecting, you’re going to be disappointed. There are no, like, secrets about me that he exposes or anything…” Fair warning. If Kara thought that this was a way to get some juice about her little sister, too bad, there was none.
“Just play them,” Kara said pissily. Fine. I pulled the messages up on my phone and let them play in succession.
“Hey Cassandra. Just been thinking
about you, and hopefully maybe once in a while I’ve crossed your mind. Anyway, just wanted to see how you were doing and what you were up to…maybe you’ve decided to give us a chance? Ok, call me back. I’ll be seeing you…”
“Cassandra. I wish you had a voicemail set up instead of the default…it would be nice to hear your voice. Just checking in, since I didn’t hear back from you. I thought we might be able to go out, just to reconnect a little…I miss you. I’m aware that you’re seeing someone, which is disappointing, but it’s actually more disappointing that you lied to me about it. Hopefully your mind isn’t too made up and you’re open to a little healthy competition. Call me and maybe we can just grab a coffee or something. I’ll be seeing you, Cassandra.”
“Hello Cassandra, just checking in. You’re awfully busy these days, so hard to reach…So, just wondering how my favorite beautiful girl is doing…it’s been too long since we’ve had a chance to hang, I miss you. I guess what I’m trying to say, Cassandra, is that I know you felt what I felt beginning between us, that kind of thing doesn’t happen all the time. I just feel like we owe it to ourselves to give us a shot, to see where this could go…because honestly, I think it could really go somewhere great. And I know you well enough to know that whatever you had going on with that cretin Harrison has most likely run its course, so I thought it was safe to inquire again as to if you’d want to meet up. Anyway, you know how to reach me, and any time, any place you choose, I’ll make myself available. Ok. Just give it some thought. I’ll be seeing you, Cassandra.
Hearing the messages again, one after another, had a different effect. Spaced out by time and context, they hadn’t felt so serious. But now, they had inspired a new emotion in me, one that I was too familiar with and had spent excessive energy on eliminating from my life: Fear. What had been discomfort and uncertainty had evolved into apprehension and alarm. Anxiety was always my constant companion, but even that seemed to ramp up inside of me. This had been a bad idea. By coming to Kara and James, I had transformed an intangible oddity into a fully developed issue. I had given the situation with Charlie power. And now there was no going back.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 23