She tried to break it down simply—without the feelings, just the facts—hoping that would make it easier on her. The reality was she would be responsible for teaching Millie for a year by herself. Did she feel up to the challenge? Not really.
Would Millie handle the moving and changing all the time well? Emmeline knew in her heart she wouldn’t. There was just no way.
“Frig!” she shouted at the water. Tears started pouring down her face as the war between her head and her heart waged on. Why did life have to be so hard?
She envisioned her bakery, her beautiful pink imaginary bakery. If she put it off for Joel now, what were the chances that she could or would do it when they got back?
What if he got another book? He was so talented, she could see that happening. Everyone would want it. His concept was alluring—every girl would want to go on these dates, and every guy would then have a Coles notes for the most romantic things to do. There was no way it wouldn’t work.
She thought back to the fire and ice roses that he had sent her after their first date to the bakery. White ones with blood red tips, each perfectly picked out with its pristine blossom. That was exactly what their relationship was like. With the intensity of the colors, the clashing images of purity and fire. They were meant to have met, they were meant to be together. But how long can fire burn?
Her head knew the answer. Her heart wasn’t listening.
Chapter 39
“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” Millie screamed as Emmeline picked her up from her theater practice. There were times that she really did seem her age, like right now when this pint-sized, screaming kid skipping half the steps down the front of the stage.
“What?” Emmeline asked, signaling with her hands for Millie to slow down.
“Mommy!”
“Millie!”
“He’s going to let me do it! Act one, scene two, is mine to direct! He said since I was doing a good job and since I was the only one who knows all their lines—but let’s face it, I know everyone’s lines—and because I am not in the first act, then I get to direct it. As long as I promise that I will not put any zombies in it, and I have to promise to pass any major changes by him first. And he told everyone that they have to listen to me, or else. Well, I added the ‘or else’ part, but still he agreed. So, this is it! I am officially a director!”
Emmeline glanced at Anthony, who nodded, smiling. Emmeline had wondered how long he was going to hold out. But Millie had proven herself.
Emmeline was filled with pride. Yet she knew that this was the nail in the coffin of Joel’s dream trip. The play was supposed to be performed at the end of August. They would be well on their trip by then. A life that seemed so possible only a few hours ago was evaporating in front of her. Tears stung the corners of her eyes. She squeezed them shut and plastered an oversized smile on her face, trying to hide the pain she felt. She was so proud of Millie. She had worked for months on this, and now she had got what she wanted. If only the same would work for Emmeline.
But she could have her bakery. For a moment she resented it for keeping her from a life with Joel. But her dreams needed to mean something too, she justified. If only she could decide which dream meant more to her. Could they join him after the play? That would give her more time to get things together. She could rent out the building, and it would give them some money while they traveled.
“Ahhh!” She stopped herself from thinking and tried to concentrate on the little ball of bouncing energy in front of her.
Anthony came over and explained how everything would happen and what Millie’s new responsibilities would be. She would need to be all the practices not just the ones her scenes were in. He had decided that if Millie was so determined to direct, then she needed to learn how to do everything. He wanted her to shadow him, so even if she wasn’t in charge of a scene, he still wanted her there.
Millie stood beside her mom, grinning. Even though she had heard these words earlier, Millie was still as excited the second time around. How could Emmeline say no? She thanked Anthony, who seemed entirely amused with the whole situation, and probably more than a little relieved not to have to fight with Millie all the time.
They waved goodbye, and Director Anthony called after Millie, “And remember, no zombies!”
Millie shrugged her shoulders, making no promises.
They jumped in the car and headed home. After her bath and stories, Millie was in bed, and Emmeline hopped into a hot shower herself. She collapsed on the floor of the tub in a sobbing mess, her tears pouring down the drain as fast as the hot water that was almost scalding her skin. She turned the water off and lay in the tub, unmoving in the steam the water left. She didn’t want to move. She was twenty-three, and she had been through two serious relationships. One was ripped out of her grasp, and now, when she thought she had finally found happiness, she had to let him go. Too many tears for someone so young.
She was exhausted. She had told Joel she would call him before she went to bed, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him. Not yet. If she didn’t talk to him they were still together. He wasn’t leaving on a dream trip without her. She wasn’t going to have to stay behind and take on something that she was terrified to do alone. Things would stay just as they were. As long as she didn’t talk to him. Words were the very enemy, and she vowed not to say anything ever again.
She missed Pernella. On nights like this, when she was overwhelmed with life, Pernella would have done or said something that would have brought her out of it. Pernella never felt sorry for herself.
Emmeline remembered when they were out chasing the goats that insisted on jumping out of their pen and running around the yard. It was spring time. The grass was wet and had in many places turned into slippery mud. The next door neighbours were screaming that if one more goat made it into their yard they were going to call animal control. They were stuffy, funny people who had thought that everyone should live according to a strict code of sameness. Pernella regularly chastised them for being boring, and dared them to live a little.
Chaos was breaking out, and all of a sudden Pernella started asking who in their right minds would start a fire in the middle of the town. Didn’t they know that broke fire regulations? They came around to the back of the house only to find the little building that housed the freezer had flames shooting out of it.
Emmeline had screamed, but Pernella casually picked up the garden hose and started spraying at the fire. Emmeline frantically grabbed Millie, ran inside with her on her hip, and called the fire department. She ran back out to find the flames virtually gone, but smoke still poured out of the house.
Emmeline told Pernella the fire department was on their way, and then watched as she went back inside and calmly picked up her camera. She walked all around the house, taking pictures, politely ignoring Emmeline’s pleas for her to get out, it wasn’t safe.
“But what if the house goes up in flames? I need the insurance company to see all the stuff I would have lost,” Pernella had said plainly.
“That’s my point! The house could go up in flames any second now. What if the fire is between the walls?”
“Then you go out with Millie where you’re safe. I might take Uncle Aaron’s ashes with me,” she said as she opened up the bottom of a cabinet. Emmeline made a face, realising for the first time what was in that jar. “Or if he’s already ashes, do you think it matters?”
Knowing there was nothing she could do to change her mind, Emmeline just shook her head and went down the driveway with Millie to wait for the fire truck.
When the fire department finally came, they sprayed down the house. Meanwhile, Pernella started to complain that she was thirsty, and pushed until Emmeline went down to the coffee shop for a cup of tea for her. She was so calm, and Emmeline was trying so hard just to keep it together. It wasn’t even her house. On that day she knew what Pernella was made of. She wished she had some of that in her. Maybe then she wouldn’t be sobbing hysterically naked
in a tub over a boy.
Not just any boy, her Sugar Boy.
She needed to pull herself together. She was going to channel Pernella. She had lived with her for years; she must have picked up something, if only by osmosis.
Emmeline got out of the tub and wrapped herself up in a towel. If she was going to have to give up Joel, because she knew deep down that this wasn’t going to be the best decision for her daughter’s future or hers, then she better damn well have a plan, something concrete for herself to focus her attention.
She stayed up the next four hours, for the first time planning her bakery in detail on paper. She pulled out the building plans that the lawyer had sent out to her earlier. She laid them on the table. Next, she cut pieces of paper representing tables and chairs, her till, and the glass case. She arranged them until she was happy and took pictures of what it looked like. She went to the computer and looked up pictures of bakeries around the world, printing out all the ones she liked. She found a binder and stuck them all in together.
By the time she went to bed, she finally had a clear vision of what she wanted. She had a sample timeline, which she knew would probably have to change, but it made her feel better. She knew that this was going to be right for her. The world could wait for her to travel, but her dreams, her bakery, were now what was most important.
The only thing left to do was to tell Joel. She would have to do it the next day. She didn’t want to be mean; she needed to tell him as soon as possible. She needed to be strong. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him, but they were at crossed paths and it needed clear, level-headed thinking. She wasn’t going to let him talk her out of it.
How bad was this going to be?
Chapter 40
Emmeline was a ball of jitters when she woke up from her restless night. Sick to her stomach, she even cursed herself for starting the relationship to begin with. By noon she had changed her mind. She was going to make it work with Joel. By three, she was steadfast in her decision to stay behind and open up her bakery. She was happy to be at work, pounding out her frustration in bread dough and drowning her tears and frustrations in brownies. Kathy could see that something was wrong, but didn’t press, steering clear of Emmeline for the rest of the day.
When Emmeline picked Millie up from school, even Millie could tell that something was up, and stared at her mother for minutes on end trying to figure it out. Emmeline was so distracted that she didn’t even mind when Millie refused to eat her dinner, but fifteen minutes later dove into a bag of Cheesies while they stuck The Princess Bride in the Blu-ray player for the evening. It was one of Millie’s favorites, and something familiar felt good to watch, until Princess Buttercup was separated from her true love. Her determination to stay with Westley, despite all consequences, made Emmeline feel all the worse. She kept checking the clock, waiting. Joel was going to come over around nine. Millie would be in bed, and they could talk in peace.
If she could freeze time right there, she would. Not another second. Then there would be no disappointments, no lost dreams, no goodbyes.
Emmeline and Millie watched the rest of the movie, Millie interrupting here and there to ask questions or commenting on this or that. Emmeline tried her best to stay engaged. Around eight thirty, she sent Millie to bed, and then she waited on the couch, not reading the book in her hands, until she heard the doorbell ring.
She opened the door for him and he scooped her up in his arms, kissing her madly. She pulled back, and he could immediately tell something was up.
“Ah, crap!” he said, blinking rapidly. “You’re not coming, are you?”
A flood of tears streamed down her face. “I can’t, I just can’t. You have no idea how much I want to. What a dream. That is what I was swept up into yesterday. A dream. But when I had a chance to actually figure out the logistics, it can’t work. I’m so sorry.”
“But it can. You can’t overthink it. We can do whatever we want.”
“That’s the problem. You can do whatever you want. But I have Millie to worry about—what’s best for her? I know her; she won’t handle living out of a suitcase, never knowing where we’re going next, and for so long. A week or two perhaps, but what we’re talking about is a whole year—maybe more depending on how things go. Besides, I can’t ask you to be financially responsible for the two of us. It’s not fair to you.”
“That is my choice.” A slight edge was introduced to his voice. “I want you to come, both of you.”
“And there’s something else.”
“That you’re going to have to explain, and it better be a damn good reason,” he said, his eyes narrowing
“I think it is,” she pleaded.
“Don’t you understand how hard I made this work for us? I’ll seem like an idiot in front of my boss.”
Emmeline took a deep breath as she led him into the Wedgewood blue dining room. The table was covered in the papers and pictures she had collected last night.
“Sit down,” she said, offering him a chair.
“What is this?” Joel started to pick up some of the papers. He glanced at a hastily drawn image of a bakery storefront titled Option Eight and dropped it casually back on the table.
Emmeline started telling him about everything. About Pernella, and how she had said they could stay. About how Ginny had found the letter, and that she had totally forgot about it when Pernella had got sick. About how Joel had always talked about following your dreams. She had listened to his words. About her grandmother, and the Emmeline name legacy. She told him the details about the building and its location. Then she showed him the plans she worked up, the pictures of how she wanted it to look like, and told him how Ginny had volunteered to help her to find the rest of the money she needed to open the place. Lastly, she talked about Millie, and how she finally got a chance to direct a part of her play, and how she couldn’t take that away from her. It wouldn’t be fair. She talked about how she felt she couldn’t be an effective school teacher for Millie; she didn’t have the patience or even the first idea of how to do that. Millie was always so much farther ahead than she thought she was, and Emmeline constantly felt like she needed to keep up.
Finally, when she had finished, he said, “Well, shit.”
“Beautiful words, coming from a writer!” she teased and then wondered if now was the time for such jokes.
“This looks great, but I don’t see why it all won’t wait until we get back. Come with me now, and you can open up the bakery later,” he said. He put her arms around her and pulled her close.
“I don’t think you’re listening to me. There’s a lot more reasons why I can’t go beyond the bakery.”
“You could have told me all this yesterday so I wouldn’t have wasted all day working on our trip—you know, the one you agreed to go on.” His arms dropped to his sides, and Emmeline felt the air cool around her. Guilt wracked her body.
The telephone rang, and Emmeline went to get it.
“I think you could let that go. We’re talking here,” Joel called after her.
Emmeline ignored him, grateful for the break.
“Hello,” she said into the receiver.
“Who is it?” asked Joel.
“Shhh,” Emmeline answered him. “It’s Callum.”
“Really, you’re talking to him now? What could he say that’s more important than what we’re discussing? That guy is always creeping around, showing up. Was this whole thing his idea? You were so happy yesterday. What did he put into your head?”
Emmeline put her hand over the receiver. “Joel, that was exactly what I was going to tell Callum. But you know what? I’ll get to you when I’m done here. Callum, I’m back, what’s going on?”
Joel was pissed, she could tell. She could almost see the steam coming out of his ears. She hadn’t expected him to be happy that she wasn’t coming, but she was really hoping that he would be supportive and say things like, “We’ll make it work,” or, “I’ll come back and visit you half way through the
year.”
“What was that, Callum? I missed what you said.” It was hard to pay attention; her eyes were glued on Joel.
Joel scowled at her. “You know, perhaps I’ll come back when you’re not so preoccupied with him, and you’re ready to come back to your senses. You’re giving up everything, for what? You’ve never even been on your own, and now you think you can open up an entire business with no experience. I bet Callum is just loving this. He gets to swoop in and save the day as if this is what he meant to do all along. Plan one, get rid of me. Plan two, get you to move back to Port Hope. Plan three, get in your pants.”
Emmeline hastily said goodbye and hung up the phone. “You are sounding crazy.”
“I’d be crazy if I didn’t say what is really going on here.”
“What is really going on here is that I actually have a chance to do something for me for the first time in years. This is what I’ve wanted since Millie was a tiny little baby, and I finally have this perfect place for me to do it. That is it. I have no idea why you think that I’m running back to Port Hope straight into Callum’s arms. There has never been anything between us. We’ve never even kissed.”
“I doubt that. There is no way a guy would stay around like he does without a little something on the side. It’s the reason why you’ve kept Millie away from me.”
“I kept Millie away from you because you lied to me, and set my kid up for an incredible disappointment.”
“So now you’re throwing that in my face. I told you it wasn’t my fault. She was crazy.”
“Crazy or not, you—the situation that you created screwed that up. Then Pernella got sick, and then you were away. You have to admit a lot has been going on. That’s the reason why, not because I’m sleeping with him!” Emmeline’s voice was rising with every word. She needed to calm down. She didn’t want to wake Millie, but it was getting harder and harder to hold her temper.
Crush: A YA Romance Collection Page 67