“I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Didn’t sleep well?”
“Not really.” It’s hard to sleep when I picture Meredith draped over Toby every time I close my eyes.
“You want to stay home today?”
So tempting, but I can’t stay home for weeks, and that’s how long Toby is going to have to pretend to date Meredith. I might as well get used to it now. Drive the knife straight through my heart rather than ease it in inch by inch. “No. I’m getting up.” I take a quick shower because it’s all I have time for and grab a granola bar to eat on the way to school. Tori isn’t at my locker waiting for me. Guess she’s at Ryder’s locker, or he’s at hers. She finally got the guy she was pining over. I guess things do work out for some people. Apparently I’m just not one of them.
The crowd is gathering at the other end of the hall, and Meredith’s shrieky voice carries to me. I slam my locker shut and turn away before I have to witness the reunion. I hope Toby can get through this, but I also hope he’s miserable doing it. I don’t want him to enjoy any part of being with Meredith. I know it’s selfish and I should want these next few weeks to be as painless as possible for him, but he’s supposed to be with me. I don’t want him to forget that.
I barely see Tori all day, and that sucks because we really need to talk about the crappy way she cut Allison out of my life. She and Ryder even sit together at lunch, which is weird since Ryder sits with Toby—and Meredith. They’re an awkward foursome, but I can’t help thinking that Tori is enjoying being in the popular crowd for once. Maybe she and Toby will actually start getting along and sharing friends. That might make her more open to Toby and me dating…when this is all over.
Mr. Rollar passes out a quiz in trig, and I’m surprised when I actually know all the answers. I’d be happy, but my heart is too crushed to feel anything but hurt. No, that’s not true. I also feel jealousy and self-pity. I hand in my quiz when the bell rings. Mr. Rollar scans it and smiles at me.
“Nice work, Miss Daniels. I see the extra tutoring sessions with Mr. Michaels are paying off. Seems like you two make a good pair.”
If only he knew.
The rest of my week is more of the same torture. I can’t avoid Meredith and Toby all the time, so I’m forced to watch them hold hands and walk to every class together. I even catch a few kisses in the halls. Even though Toby is always tight-lipped, my heart tears. Our evening study sessions are few and far between because Meredith is filling Toby’s schedule. She doesn’t want people to know he’s tutoring me, so whenever they get invited to a movie or after-school meal, she makes Toby take her.
By Friday, I’m officially done. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t do anything about the Toby-Meredith situation but I can do something about Tori. She owes me an explanation for the Allison thing. I show up at her house unannounced and find her in her room.
“Tell me why you thought it was okay to end my friendship with Allison without even talking to me about it,” I demand, stepping into her room and crossing my arms.
She raises a brow at me. “Are you seriously still mad about that?”
“Yes!” Why doesn’t she see it’s totally crappy of her to pick my friends for me? “It wasn’t your decision—”
“I know.” Her voice softens, and she suddenly looks on the verge of tears. “I thought I was doing you a favor, protecting you from someone who’d toss you aside for a guy. Why would you want to be friends with someone like that anyway?”
“That’s not the point. Maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with Allison anymore, but it was my decision to make, not yours.”
She nods. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just got so mad that she chose Toby over me, you know? A real friend wouldn’t have done that.”
Crap. This was supposed to make her see that she was wrong. Instead, I feel awful because I’m sneaking around behind her back. I’m no better than Allison. All I can do is nod, which she takes as an acceptance of her apology.
“So are you and Toby finished planning my surprise party?” she asks, spinning in her desk chair as if we never fought.
“Sort of.” Her birthday is next Saturday, and I don’t even know where this party is taking place. I haven’t gotten her a gift yet or sent out invites.
“I haven’t seen you two study much. Did you grow out of your tutor?”
I shrug and keep my eyes down so she can’t see the tears forming in them. “He’s busy with Meredith. Can we talk about something else?”
“Sure. I know Toby isn’t exactly an interesting topic. Sorry to bore you.”
Up until last weekend, he was my favorite topic. I take a deep breath and blink back my tears. “How are things with Ryder?”
She stops spinning and gives me a huge smile. “So good.” She drags the words out.
I force a smile. “That’s great. And you guys are spending a lot of time with Toby and Meredith.” Damn it. Why can’t I stop thinking about them?
“I know. It was totally weird at first, but Meredith isn’t all bad.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
She picks up a pen from her desk and chucks it at me. “Yes! She’s awful. But Ryder likes her and Toby, so I get through it.”
“You really like him, huh?”
She nods. “More than I thought I would.”
“I’m really happy for you, Tori.”
“I know you are, because you’re my best friend.” She’s right. So maybe she would’ve been happy for me if I was honest with her about my feelings for Toby. Maybe I created this mess for no reason. Tori and I are better friends than she and Allison were, aren’t we?
Toby knocks on the door. “Becca, you want to hit the books tonight?”
“But it’s Friday night,” Tori says. “Why aren’t you going to Jeff’s party?”
He shrugs. “Meredith wasn’t feeling well.”
“Let me guess. She has cramps. She was extra bitchy today.” Tori laughs.
“Maybe,” Toby says.
“Ooh, trouble in paradise already?” Tori asks.
Toby ignores her. “So, Becca, what do you say?” He looks hopeful. We haven’t hung out since Saturday. I’m dying to be alone with him, but after the week I’ve had, I don’t know if I can handle it. Even though he was only pretending, he still spent the week kissing Meredith instead of me. I can’t just pretend that didn’t happen.
“Go study. I have to get ready. Ryder’s picking me up in an hour.” Tori grabs her towel and ushers me out the door. I guess I don’t have a choice. I follow Toby to his room.
“I don’t even have my trig book, you know,” I say, stepping into his room.
He shuts the door and whirls around to face me. “Good.” He pulls me into him and presses his lips against mine. Everything I’ve felt for the past week comes crashing down on me. I can’t keep it in anymore. Tears stream down my cheeks, and he pulls away.
“Whoa, that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.”
I shake my head and wipe my face with my fingers. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.” I sit down on his bed and pull my knees to my chest. The ache inside me is overwhelming. “It was actually better when you didn’t even know I liked you. When I didn’t know you liked me.”
“Don’t say that.” He sits next to me and rubs my back.
I raise my head to look at him. “You have no idea what it’s like to watch you be with her.”
“But you know it’s just an act. I don’t care about her. All I want to do is be with you. I’ve been dying to kiss you all week. I even went to the stage every day during fifth period, hoping you’d show up.”
Part of me knew he would, which is why I avoided it. The fact that this is all an act doesn’t erase that it’s happening. “I can’t kiss you. I can’t stand the thought of kissing you after I know you’ve been kissing her.”
“When I kiss her, I feel nothing. It’s just a quick peck. Nothing.”
“Put yourself in my shoes. Would you be able to
watch me kiss another guy?”
He turns away, curling his hand into a fist. “No.”
“Look. I think until this thing with Meredith is over, we need to stop whatever this is.”
“Don’t say that.” He puts his hand on my knee.
“Toby, I can’t. It’s just too hard. Once she breaks up with you, we can see if we still feel the same way about each other, but until then…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I can’t be around you.”
“Wait.” He stands up. “I was objecting to you calling our relationship ‘whatever this is,’ but you don’t want to even be around each other?”
“You think we’re in a relationship?” When did that happen?
“I was hoping we were.” He sits down again. “I’m really new to being someone’s boyfriend, but I definitely didn’t want my first attempt to be with Meredith. I hate this just as much as you do.”
I believe him. I really do, but it doesn’t change our situation. “How much longer do you think Meredith is going to make you go through with this?”
He shrugs. “I was thinking I’d start acting like a tool and hope she ends it sooner.”
“Just don’t piss her off too much. She might extend your punishment instead.”
“Good point.” He tilts my chin toward him. “So you really won’t kiss me until Meredith is history? I could wash my mouth out with soap if you want.”
I smile. “Come on. I’m not that good a kisser that you’d be willing to endure that torture.”
“I’m enduring Meredith for you. A little soap is nothing.”
I lean forward and press my lips to his. He wraps his arms around me, and I can tell he’s dying to let loose. But I keep my legs pulled into my chest, forming a barrier between us. He lets go.
“I’m not trying to punish you, you know.”
He nods. “I know. I get it.”
“Um, I sort of told your sister that we were planning a surprise party for her next weekend.”
His head yanks back. “Where did that come from?”
“It was my sorry attempt at a change of subject.” I was hoping to ease this tension between us, but it’s a major fail.
He stands up. “If I can’t touch you right now, I’m going to sit over there. Okay?” He points to his desk chair.
I nod. Distance is probably good. I’m not sure how long I can hold out either before I cave.
“So, why did you tell Tori we were throwing her a party?”
“She saw you called me and that we talked for an hour.”
“She went through my phone? I have text messages on there from you, too.”
I wave my hand. “I don’t think she saw them. She picked up your phone by mistake, and she tried to dial me. She saw my number in the call log. That’s all.”
“And she asked you about it.”
“Yup. I had to make up something.”
“A party was a smart idea.”
“Yeah, except now we need to plan it.”
“Well, I can cover the invite list. I’ll just spread the word at school. And we could have it here. It’s too late to book a place on this short notice.”
I nod. “I guess you’ll be taking Meredith.”
“I guess. Unless I get lucky and she dumps me before then. But knowing her, she’ll take my birthday and make it all about her. The girlfriend of the birthday boy.”
“You just called her your girlfriend.” The word is like a sucker punch to my heart.
“I just meant that’s how she’ll see it.”
“Right.” I feel my dinner threatening to come up. I get up and walk toward the door. “Well, I guess you have the party under control, so I’m going to head out.”
“Becca, wait.” He jumps up and reaches for me. “Please don’t go.”
“I have to.” How can he not see how this is tearing me up inside? I know he’s a guy, but come on. I shouldn’t have to spell this out for him.
“You’re not going to wait for me, are you?”
I meet his eyes, and for the first time, looking at him doesn’t make my heart flutter. “I don’t know.”
Chapter 18
“Look what Toby bought for me!” Meredith holds her necklace up for her admirers to see. “Isn’t he the sweetest boyfriend ever?” She turns and smiles at him.
I study his face, trying to see if it’s true. Did he really buy her a present? Did I ruin everything Friday night when I said I wasn’t sure if I was going to wait for him?
“Hey, what’s up?” Tori leans against my locker. Ryder adjusts his bag on his shoulder and nods at me, his typical greeting.
I tilt my head in Meredith’s direction. “I guess your brother bought her a present.”
“That dick. My birthday is this weekend, and he buys her an expensive gift. All I know is, he better have spent a pretty penny on me, or he’s getting a serious ass kicking.”
“Your birthday’s this weekend?” Ryder teases. Tori elbows him in the stomach in a really playful way. They’re cute together. Too cute.
“Well, I’ve had my fill of couples for one day.”
“But it’s only seven a.m.,” Tori says.
“What’s your point?” I shut my locker. “Your party is all taken care of. Toby really handled all of it, so you can thank him.”
“Ugh, you let Toby handle it? Great. There’ll be basketball decorations, beer, and beef jerky. Thanks, Becca. You’re supposed to be my best friend. Couldn’t you have at least made sure he didn’t ruin my party?”
“First, it’s supposed to be a surprise, so we shouldn’t even be talking about this. Second, he’s always with Meredith. It’s not like I could help him plan it.”
“Then why did you involve him in the first place?”
I shrug. It’s not easy to avoid lying, no matter how hard I try. “I’ll fix it. Don’t worry.” I take off toward my class with Meredith’s squeals of joy chasing me down the hall.
I start down the stairs when someone grabs me from behind.
“Got a second?” Toby asks.
I look around at the crowded hallway. “This isn’t a good time. People can see us.”
“Then meet me fifth period. Please.” His eyes plead with me before he walks away, getting lost in the flow of traffic. I can’t help wondering how he got away from Meredith.
All morning I debate meeting Toby. I know if I’m around him, I won’t be able to end this, but a huge part of me thinks I should end it. I won’t have to lie to Tori anymore or risk jeopardizing our friendship. Toby and Meredith could be the power couple everyone thinks they are, and my life can go back to normal. Only I don’t want normal. I want Toby.
Mrs. Engleberg nods off about ten minutes into study hall, so I grab my bag and head to the stage. I have to take the long way to dodge the security cop, and Toby is already behind the stage curtain when I get there.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” he says.
“I did too.” I fiddle with the strap of my bag, not sure how long I’m staying.
“I didn’t buy her that necklace.”
“You didn’t?”
He steps toward me. “Of course not. She bought it over the weekend when we were at the mall.”
“You’re hanging out on weekends now too?”
“I had no excuse not to. You won’t see me, remember?”
I shake my head. “Don’t turn this around on me. You don’t have to go along with her plan.”
“It’s what you wanted. You asked me to do this. For us. Or did you forget that?” His tone is more hurt than angry.
“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t fair to either one of us.”
“You really thought I’d buy her a necklace?”
I shrug, and my bag slips from my shoulder. Toby grabs it for me, putting it back in place and brushing my hair behind my back. “So, she bought it for herself and told everyone you gave it to her? That’s kind of sad.”
“What can I say? She wants her status back. I’m just a means to get it.”<
br />
“That’s not all you are.”
“To her it is.” He lowers his head. “And after our conversation on Friday, I’m not sure I mean anything to you anymore either.”
“You do.”
He raises his eyes to mine. “If I asked you to prove it, would you?”
“Here?”
“This is our spot.”
“In hiding.” I nod and let out a sigh. “I hate that our spot is a secret. That all we are is a secret.”
“It was fun at first, but I’m pretty tired of it too.”
Is that why he asked me to come here? To tell me he’s giving up on us? “I understand.”
“Understand what?”
“What you’re trying to say.”
“Which is?” He wrinkles his brow at me, not following.
“You don’t want to sneak around anymore.”
“We haven’t been. Not really.”
I nod again. “I get it. Um, I guess, thanks for telling me.”
He shakes his head. “Telling you what? I feel like we’re having two different conversations right now.”
“That you don’t want to be with me. It’s fine.” I choke on the last word. It’s anything but fine, but maybe this is the only answer for us.
He grabs my hand. “No, it’s not. Because that’s not what I’m saying at all.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I want to come clean.”
“About?”
He grabs my face and stares into my eyes. “Damn, Becca, why aren’t you getting this? I want to come clean about us. Tell Tori. Tell everyone. I’m tired of pretending I’m not into you. I’m tired of seeing you and not being able to kiss you.” His eyes lower to my lips. “If I ask for permission to kiss you, are you going to turn me down?”
“Are you asking permission to ask me permission?” I give a small laugh, and he does the same.
“I guess I am.”
“Then you have my permission.”
“To ask or to kiss you?” His eyes search mine.
Instead of answering, I lean forward and kiss him. It’s not like last time. I don’t feel hurt anymore. I feel like fixing this. All of it. Because Toby and I should be together, and I need to make everyone see that. He wraps his arms around me and lifts me off the ground. I let out a little laugh, and he sets me back down.
Crush: A YA Romance Collection Page 103